outside opinion required please - arguement with DS

Curlywurli

Does he work or is he a student? If he works he can start paying towards the bills. If he's a student and wants pocket money tell him to get a Saturday job.

libbyc3

sorry i should point out that i never and never have refered to their father negatively since we split, only being realistic and telling them that we are unlikely to see any of the arrears or any current maintenance as we never have.
DS is at college and has a part time job - earning £100 per week so he is fairly self sufficient, he only owes me money for his motorbike insurance because he can't get a direct debit of his own and he has always paid on time.
I almost wish the CSA hadn't caught up with the father as this has stirred up a whole kettle of fish - we have trooted along nicely over the years with very little mention of him unless it was a quick phone call to arrange visits. obviously my son has bottled up a lot of feelings about his father which is coming out over £15.

ajaney

Your DS is being very unfair to you. You are being more than generous in passing on a portion of any money you have received. My only comment would be that despite everything that has gone on, this man is still the father of your son & I'm not sure the tag of 'Sperm Donor' will be doing anything to help matters!

puddy

you have identified the issues correctly, this is not about 15 quid, its about his dad, angry at dad, cant express it to dad so expresses it to you about something hes a bit peed off about in an inproportionate way.

in reality, the kids shouldnt be geting any of the money, the money is for you to clothe, feed,, educate, stimulate, provide, house, warm etc the children over the time you have provided for them on your own.

i would write your son a letter and put it on his pillow or something. state calmly and firmly within it that you have cancelled the insurance because he says he wont pay it back but as soon as he is able to decide to pay you back you will ring the company and reinstate it. write also about the money and the purpose of it and that you have been more than fair and necessary to agree to gift a third of the payments to him and his sister

Zazen999

Play him 'No Charge' and write him out an invoice.

Kids eh???

Tammy Wynette's version

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3g_P3clEf8&feature=related

Blackpool_Saver

libbyc3 wrote: »

he has already stated his intention to go on income support rather than pay.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it?

consultant31

Perhaps the SD would like to have his son live with him - that way he won't have to pay maintainance for him and your DS can have all the pocket money he can squeeze from Dad!

It never fails to amaze me how many 'fathers' would rather go on the dole than pay for their children.

No wonder you call him a sperm donor....it's all he's done, he really can't be called a Dad!

libbyc3

oh blackpool-saver you've know idea how true! DS earns £100 per week and although does pay me on time (until this development) he is permenantly skint and has no idea how to manage money - it is scary how much like his father he is.
and since this issue has arisen DS has had several phone calls from the father on his mobile and is almost turning into him before my eyes. I know it must be good to have his father initiate contact after years of it being not regular, but under these circumstances it is not healthy. I would bet the father is telling him i am a money grabbing !!!!!, etc, etc, but i don't know and i don't ask about their conversations.
part of me wants to phone the CSA and tell the not to bother as he's going to avoid paying anyway, but most of me thinks there might just be justice after all!

libbyc3

oh god if DS went to live with his father - not inconceivable as i think DS feels i am being such a !!!!! towards both of them - DS life would be seriously ruined.
i know that sounds dramatic and it is his father we are talking about but it would simply be revenge on me and sperm donor thinks education is a waste of time, claiming dole is an automatic right, is a heavy drinker and takes no responsibility for anything. ever.
although DS has not been brought up like this in anyway, like i say he is so in sympathy with his father and hangs off his every word as he is so grateful for this renewed contact, i really worry if he did go he would simply fall into his fathers way of life.
i know i can't stop it and will not bow to any emotional blackmail over this but it does scare me.
anyway, that is worst case senario, hopefully we won't go down that road

Rachel85

I completely agree that any maintenance payments you receive via the CSA should be yours. You have, I assume, made sacrafices over the years for your children which you may not have had to do had their father been contributing towards the cost of raisnig them. You may also, had you been receiving financial support, been able to secure a fund for them to go to university or get married, or whatever it may be. So any payment you do receive via the CSA could go towwards that.

However, I can actually see where your DS is coming from with this. He's been told by his dad that he has given him £50 pocket money (albeit via you). Now whether his father should be dishing out pocket money when he owes you so many thousands is another debate, but ultimately DS sees this as his pocket money from a dad who's quite frankly been pretty rubbish with everything over the years, and now you're trying to take a cut of it. (I'm not saying its wrong, just seeing it from your DS's point of view). In the past when he has given the odd £20 as pocket money, have you taken a cut then? If not, perhaps this is why DS is getting annoyed now.

So in short (sorry for the long post), I would say that if you receive anything via the CSA this is yours and yours only. But if he has given money to the children and stated that it is pocket money for them, then I don't think it would be unreasonable to split it between the two of them.