outside opinion required please - arguement with DS

traveller

I really feel for the OP AS i'm in a similar situation.My ex has told the kids he'll only pay csa judgement if he can give it directly to them.Well my older ones are 16,10 and 12.They obviously are over the moon.It dosen't matter that i scrimp and save, go without ect.They see it from their point of view.

The problem Is the fathers In these equations.They begrudge paying because they see this money funding the PWC to do as they please rather than there share of bringing up theit children.Because of this they play silly games, involving the kids-and your left to pick up the pieces.

Good luck, as I'm not best impressed with my 16 year olds attitude at the moment, so i do sympathise.It'll pass;)

consultant31

Taye wrote: »

your son is 15 .. the WHOLE WORLD is unfair when your 15, he's having a typical 15 year old tantrum

OP's son is 17 not 15 and plenty old enough not to behave so badly. He works and earns £100 a week which slips through his fingers (OP said he was permanently skint).

Why do people insist on posting their opinions when they haven't read the previous posts and answers?

Taye

consultant31 wrote: »

OP's son is 17 not 15 and plenty old enough not to behave so badly. He works and earns £100 a week which slips through his fingers (OP said he was permanently skint).

Why do people insist on posting their opinions when they haven't read the previous posts and answers?

Sorry i got confused as the OP refer's to both her Daughter and Son as DS in the inital post, i it's only later than i fathomed one of those DS's is actually a DD..

still ... 15, 17 not much difference .. at 17 i was working in macdonalds pee'ing all my earnings away on alchol i doubt in all fairness i was that much more mature than i was when i was 15.

The fact that he can spend £100 a week in earnings and have nothing to show for it only compounds my opinion that he really doens't need the money and if his mum wants him to benifit from it, saving it till he has something he really needs and will benifit him far more.

Gingham_Ribbon

I'd be asking for board and it would be significantly more than his third.

libbyc3

sorry for the confusion - my DS is 17 and DD is 15 - mistyped in 1st post.
DS is now cutting off his nose to spite his face and told me to cancel his bike insurance as i am not getting any more of the money for it.
I do understand his point of view that his father told them it was pocket money - but previous pocket money had been paid directly into the kids accounts. I did explain to them that this would no doubt be the only money i will ever see from him - he has stated to DS his intention of going on the dole to avoid the CSA payments - and as the money was put into my account i felt it was a ploy by him to try and get the CSA to back off - therefore i see it as maintenence and would keep a 3rd.
i am torn between sympathising with my son - though not backing down - and feeling extremely frustrated that he is behaving like a spoilt brat - manipulated by his father.
OMG i was 19 years old and gonna be the one to change him!?!?!?

whitewing

My philosophy is that until a father (or mother) is providing for a child's living expenses then he has no right to be even thinking about giving pocket money or gifts.

My friend's dad used to buy her dollhouses etc but her mum always sent them back as he didn't pay maintenance. Decades later, my friend agrees with her mum about this, although it broke her heart at the time.

Savvy_Sue

You say he has said to cancel the insurance, tell him he has to give you the keys and V5 so you can put the bike up for sale!

mrcow

If you cancel the insurance - make sure you remind your son that there are cancellation fees which he will still owe you. They' more likely be more than £35 btw!

Make sure that you also confiscate and hide his keys. He can not be allowed to drive uninsured.

Steel_2

You could always reverse the transfer of the money and tell their father to give their 'pocket money' to them directly?? That way you're out of it and any issues are down to them and him.

It's only when you leave home and start paying for everything you realise how good you had it. But until then everything is a catastrophe, although to be be fair a kid of 17 doesn't have this sort of thing happen to them very often. They have no experience with which to measure it against so they will over-react. We've got used to paying hundreds every month and really £35 is a drop in the ocean - one bill payment - but for him it's his whole world. The first time I handed over money for bills when I left home at 19 I remember the feeling of having nothing left after I'd been paid and realising this independence lark wasn't all it was cracked up to be :rotfl:


However, needs before wants. Bills before fun money. Just to put this into perspective, my 17 year old nephew uses his pocket money and other money he gets for studying to pay for his own driving lessons, xbox games, clothes, phone top ups etc etc. My sister pays for his keep but the things he wants he pays for and he's always done this. The kid could twist a penny and make it scream. He worked and saved for his own £500 laptop and always has a stock of money in the bank just in case. :rotfl:

Then there's his sister, my 13 year old niece. When my niece took up the flute, my sister bought one rather than fork out for the rental and made it clear that if she gave up lessons it would be sold to recoup the money. They hold their value very well and could get back what she paid no problem. It was made clear it wasn't a gift, but a way of saving some money on the rental of the instrument.

Fast forward 18 months, the niece is kicking off because she wants the £150 it made on ebay as it's 'her' instrument. She told all her friends they could go out on a shopping spree when she got the money. All hell is breaking loose over there at the moment. While my niece was telling me at the weekend she had tears in her eyes because it was all so unfair and my sister was being horrible to her. It's 'her' flute and 'her' money.

My sister's refusing to give in. Neither should you.

Taye

Sometimes to be a good parent we need to be the bad guy!