broody

Dinah93

myothercarisaferrari wrote: »

Well tried to talk to him last night and he's 'not ready' for children and he's 'not ready' to get engaged. I asked within a few years, five years and he said 'he doesn't know'.

Feeling really sh*tty this morning after that. Please don't think I am trying to pressure him or anything but I just feel stuck in limbo and we have nothing too plan or look forward to.

You only get one chance at life. I thought I was unhappy with my ex because after 3 years it was still just talk about getting engaged and going the next step. Then he took me shopping for rings and I had this moment of utter clarity that it wasn't that he hadn't proposed that was making me unhappy, it was simply that the relationship wasn't right. I left him a year ago and met an amazing man who makes me happy every chance he gets, and I don't feel like I need to take a next step, because I'm just happy with wherever life takes us.

Sadly I think you might be in a similar place to me last year, thinking you want this man to commit, but thinking about it you're starting to think maybe there is more wrong than a commitment would fix.

Not an easy place to be.

sillylittlejill

We just both need to find a way to work it out then, hehe

I'm going to have a good talk with OH and try and plan things out with him tonight. I find things much easier if I have a basic idea of whats going to happen over the next year or so. I need something to focus on.

Good luck!
xxx

myothercarisaferrari

He isnt one to talk though. He thinks I am nagging him or getting at him then just walks off in a sulk, then is my friend half an hour later.

I think I know what I am getting at here :-(

sillylittlejill

Ah, hun, can't help you there then. My OH loves talking, so much to an extent that sometimes I wonder if I should talk about my feelings more...

If you need to talk pm me

xxx

Dinah93

If you can't talk to him like equals myothercarisaferrari, you're never going to have a balanced relationship. Psychologically one of the major warning lights to whether you have a healthy relationship is whether you have to wait for certain times to catch him in a good mood, or you need to do ground work to have a conversation about an important or contentious issue.

myothercarisaferrari

thanks Dinah, its definitely the latter xx

sorry for rambling folks.

Dinah93

No need to apologise, I love rambling, almost consider it a hobby.

Cissi

myothercarisaferrari wrote: »

Well tried to talk to him last night and he's 'not ready' for children and he's 'not ready' to get engaged. I asked within a few years, five years and he said 'he doesn't know'.

Feeling really sh*tty this morning after that. Please don't think I am trying to pressure him or anything but I just feel stuck in limbo and we have nothing too plan or look forward to.

Oh Myothercarisaferrari, I can so relate to this. You may not want to hear my story - except that I think your own thoughts are going in the same direction. At 24, I had been with what I thought was the love of my life for three years and was getting ready for commitment of some sort. I didn't want children yet, nor even necessarily marriage - but I wanted to know that we had a future together and to at least make decisions such as our plans for continued studies/work etc together. Although older than me, OH (28) still had very much a "student mentality" and was nowhere near ready to even think about settling down. Similar to your situation, he wouldn't even discuss where we might be five years down the line either Long story short, once we started talking about this we soon realised that we wanted different things and broke up. A few months later I fell in love with a friend, and another year and a half later we were married and moved to another country together

Looking back, there were a lot of warning signs that something was wrong with my previous relationship. Whereas I felt committed to this guy and involved him in my daily life, with him his mates still came first. The last summer we were together he went on holiday with his best friend, springing the planned trip on me (and the friend's GF) when it had already been booked. Granted, it was an adventure trip that I wouldn't have wanted to go on, plus I had to study for exams that September - but it really, really hurt that he didn't even discuss it with me in the early stages (I would have encouraged him to go and enjoyed being involved in the planning!) but instead actively hid his plans from me. I think that's when I realised that he didn't see me as a partner, and probably never would.

By the way, Sillylittlejill, this is very different from what you describe on your other thread, as my ex didn't even want me to try to move with him (he was looking for positions overseas). I think he wanted to be "unencumbered" and free to meet someone else - which he did, again and again until one day he wrote me a letter declaring how stupid he'd been to let me go, how he hadn't realised what he had until it was too late, yada yada yada. In short, he'd grown up - but too late for me.

Myothercar... I think it's great that you've started to question the basics of your relationship. That's the only way you'll be able to decide whether you truly have something to build on or not. Ask yourself, if in 5 year's time his answer is still "I don't know", what will you do then?

Good luck - one way or the other this is going to be an emotionally difficult time for you.

myothercarisaferrari

I think I will try and broach it tonight with a simple ' where will we be in 5 years....'

ka7e

Personally, the knowledge that we were both "on the same page" with regards to having children would be one of the main factors in a relationship. I can't imagine bumbling along for several years not knowing for sure what my partner felt on such an important topic.

My OH had a grown-up family from a previous marriage and although the age difference didn't bother me, his attitude to raising (another!) family with me, did. I wasn't broody or anything but I knew I wasn't prepared to pursue a long-term relationship with someone who was unsure about having kids. Luckily he loved the idea of having children with me and 6 months after we married the broodiness kicked in. I have never experienced anything quite so intense - it was a real physical and emotional longing and I would have been totally wretched if OH had not agreed to starting our family then!

I know for sure that if he had had a change of heart after we married and had said "No children", I would have left him!