I dont want my family at my wedding!

ailuro2

A wedding is only one day, marriage is for the rest of your life.;)

We didn't have anyone there, didn't have a party when we got back either (I don't have contact with my side of the family, and DH's family were scattered across countries, neither of us has a wide circle of friends:o)

Our vows were made to each other, no-one else, and we've stuck by them for many years, I'd go back and do it all again tomorrow (might need to let the dress out a bit, though:rotfl:)

BuddyBonthenet

UKTigerlily wrote: »

Is it so hard to believe that some people, no matter how close to their family, might want it to be between themselves & their OH? Maybe they don't like doing things in front of people too, so what? It's still THEIR day

No, it isn't hard, but it rather unusual even in this day and age.

I can understand why people just go ahead and do their own thing when they are not close to their families, but I struggle a bit with excluding family altogether when that's not the case.

I got married in the middle of my Mum & Dad's divorce and this definitely made things a bit awkward, but I would never have seriously considered getting married without my family and friends present. In the end my wedding day was wonderful and all my worries came to nothing in the end.

It does make me wonder when people say their families were okay about not being at the wedding, if in fact feelings were hurt but nothing was said so as not to spoil things for the bride and groom which is quite sad really. I can easily imagine a mum who didn't see their son or daughter married shedding a quite a few secret tears and thinking wistfully about that time for the rest of their lives with the son or daughter completely unaware.

Yes, it is the couple's special day, but I'd say please think hard about doing things on your own if family are involved in your life. A lot of thought and just a little bit of compromise might make your special day really special.

zztopgirl

When i was planning my wedding, my xmil tried to take over completely, she even chose the date for us. Her only other son had a destination wedding with nobody else invited, so this wedding was to make up for that to which she wasnt invited. Which was completely unfair on me and my now xh. However, they did have a huge reception when they came back, xsil wore her wedding dress, etc.

Im not saying that its selfish for those to have destination weddings or even marry in secret, but imo its up to the b&g how they want to plan their day and a line should be drawn over loving parents happy with whatever their children want to do, and selfish interferring parents who want to take over the entire day and feel their children should have the white church wedding to their taste, invite who they like, use it as an oppurtunity to have a 2nd wedding day, etc (this is not a knock at anyone here btw, just my personal experience). My xmil did have a wedding blessing several years ago, but i also got the distinct impression that she was using my wedding as a chance to have HER day all over again.

Due to unforseen circumstances, we ended up getting married with only my parents in attendance, his parents were furious and never acknowedgled(sp) me as their dil. We actually tried to cancel the wedding due to the abuse his parents were giving us (i was being blamed for the circumstances why they couldnt attend:rolleyes:) but my parents told us to do whatever WE wanted to do, and not bow down to pressure. I consider myself lucky to have my parents:D

poet123

lostinrates wrote: »

For me a controlled small wedding with our closest family and friends would have been ideal. It didn't work out that way though, and thats great too . But the post above made me reflect on why our choice really worked for us: I don't see the rest of our marriage as being time alone for us, purely anyway, I see it as time in which we are facing the same challenges, providing the same support and being s involved with other fmily stuff as before, but doing it together, almost absolutely the opposite to the, most commonly held, perspective, as peot 123 very clearly and accurately states it. For me, our life goes on and our union makes us able to offer our respective families the same as before we were married as indiciduals, but also our new combined dynamic and is not something removed from the families, even if our actual wedding was.

Similarly of course, it isn't unreasonable to expect some give from the couple to their families, but I don't think this should lead to disagreements and discomfort. OP clearly indicated that all is not easy in the family arrangements, this is not something of OPs making and miht be something she sees as not enhancing to her family. I'd be loathe too under those circumstances, to have a big gathering and put a brave but false face on it, if I felt things could be dealt with more pleasurably and genuinely in a non-conventional way. I do however think it is a politic move to have both families or none at the ''day'' itself. Otherwise it is bound to cause resentment.

Good luck OP, whatever you decide, have a lovely day, but more importantly I wish you a strong and fulfilling marriage

I think I need to clarify "time alone". By that I certainly did not mean, having no interaction with family after the event, far from it. I simply meant that after the wedding, there would be a raft of other initimate moments for years to come, that are not by tradition, shared with family and friends, that each evening when they shut their door, they can be together, alone.

In fact I fully agree with your analysis of what married life entails, where we disagree is that it needs to begin with just the two people. To me, and thankfully so far, to all my family, we have had joyous wedding days we will remember for years to come.

Of course if there are family issues that is another matter. For most people with no family problems, I just think it is a shame to deny those closest to you the opportunity to celebrate such a momentous day with you.

Also.(and donning tin hat here) I think the "it's your wedding do as you please,beggar anyone else sentiment" is indicative of the breakdown of family life, and a very selfish and self contained school of thought.

As long as people of both sides are reasonable they should be no problems that cannot be overcome imo, and that has been my experience with family weddings.

poet123

zztopgirl wrote: »

When i was planning my wedding, my xmil tried to take over completely, she even chose the date for us. Her only other son had a destination wedding with nobody else invited, so this wedding was to make up for that to which she wasnt invited. Which was completely unfair on me and my now xh. However, they did have a huge reception when they came back, xsil wore her wedding dress, etc.

Im not saying that its selfish for those to have destination weddings or even marry in secret, but imo its up to the b&g how they want to plan their day and a line should be drawn over loving parents happy with whatever their children want to do, and selfish interferring parents who want to take over the entire day and feel their children should have the white church wedding to their taste, invite who they like, use it as an oppurtunity to have a 2nd wedding day, etc (this is not a knock at anyone here btw, just my personal experience). My xmil did have a wedding blessing several years ago, but i also got the distinct impression that she was using my wedding as a chance to have HER day all over again.

Due to unforseen circumstances, we ended up getting married with only my parents in attendance, his parents were furious and never acknowedgled(sp) me as their dil. We actually tried to cancel the wedding due to the abuse his parents were giving us (i was being blamed for the circumstances why they couldnt attend:rolleyes:) but my parents told us to do whatever WE wanted to do, and not bow down to pressure. I consider myself lucky to have my parents:D

I agree with much/most of what you have written, but imagine for a moment it was your parents that could not have attended due to unforseen circumstances. What would you have done then? gone ahead, or postponed the wedding?

lostinrates

poet123 wrote: »

In fact I fully agree with your analysis of what married life entails, where we disagree is that it needs to begin with just the two people.

I don't believe it has to begin alone, at all. For us it was not the first choice at all, but it hasn't been a lesser choice. Its worked well for us, and I believe it is a position that is still less ideal than the small close wedding, but less ''removed'' from what marriage is a bout than a wedding full of show but lacking in sincerity. (And before anyone leaps on that I've been to meaning ful big weddings too)

Of course if there are family issues that is another matter. For most people with no family problems, I just think it is a shame to deny those closest to you the opportunity to celebrate such a momentous day with you.

I tentatively agree here: but I think its unlikely that a couple close to their families and with no underlying issue whatsoever would come to that decision, and certainly not easily. In our situation we were listening, it was our over enthusiastic families that were not. This was complicated by tensions with siblings with mental health issues and international arrangements and everyone having very demanding diaries from both sides of family.

We did celebrate the event with our families, as it turned out with my family, and then his family, separately. It was truely a celebration of our marriage and commitment with in our families, not of the day and the dress and the cake. Ideally I would have liked both, but I feel our half way solution turned out to be a better fit for our situation. We could all sulk that it didn't happen how each of us would have wanted, (and inevitably some people wouldn't have felt they got their way at a ''proper'' wedding) or we can share the joy in a less traditional way.

Also.(and donning tin hat here) I think the "it's your wedding do as you please,beggar anyone else sentiment" is indicative of the breakdown of family life, and a very selfish and self contained school of thought.

Again, I agree with this, but I think you see a similar and equally worrying thing at many weddings. About four months after my wedding I was t a friends wedding and, out of character for her, but obviously tense and emotionak, she her mother and mother in law were all having a tantrum about a stack of napkins tht the venue had not alligned properly on the bar (totally separate from the napkins on the tables we were having the sit down meal at). I would say losing perspecive about napkins (if you don't like it simply ask the manager to remove them or tidy them, no need for a three strong frenzy with tears about the photographs). I don't think its a black and white. big weddings are good and the slipping away is bad. I think the motivations behind the multitude of decisions involved in each one can be both good, bad, or a mixture of both.

As long as people of both sides are reasonable they should be no problems that cannot be overcome imo, and that has been my experience with family weddings.

Sadly, however willing the couple is, they cannot force others to be ''reasonable'' and its not always their fault. For example, DH and I both have siblings with mental health problems. Would we have loved them to be their and guarantee their mood/behaviour was on an up day? yes of course, but thats not a promise they can make, and the pressure of that would be a lot for them, and a trangression on their part or a feeling of let down on ours could leave more bad feeling than our alternative of having a lower pressure, de politisised meal with them where DH and I weren't tense for everything to appear ''just so''. In our case, we felt the unyielding side was from our parents more than anyone else, and that havin bent over to do as you rightlty say, is important, to be yielding and ccepting, we felt pushed too far, and when we tried to explain this were told we were being guided for our own good...:o. With the clarity of hindsight I think our parents would have retracted a little, accepted a cut in numbers, and been more open to our feelings on what the celebration meant for us. Had we capitualted more then, over things that are not as meaningfl as the marriage itself I think it would have been a bad move for our relationship and set a poor precedent for the value we plce on each others wishes and priority over family.

As it is it actually resolved some other issues with siblings. Particularly DH's siblings who were finding ''losing'' DH very hard and was trying to win a power struggle I wasn't creating. DH very clearly doing what he felt was right for us and not necessarily them was a very clear message that priorities had changed, and our arrangements to spend a day afterwards at our mutual convenience in a way they wanted to showed that together we wanted to be a family and there for them, but together now.

Truley I think most familes have degrees of ''issue'' and what from the outside seems pretty smoth running can be pretty different inside. I do think ultimatey the couple are making a commitment to each other foremost. For us that includes our families, complicated and difficult as they can be, but not to the detriment of each other.

poet123

Again, I agree with much of what you have written. No family is perfect, we all have family members with issues,(we have mental health issues in our family too) and at the last family wedding a close relative of the bride was dying from cancer, the venue had been under threat of closure, she found herself pregnant before the big day,and had a daughter, all these were issues which could have detracted from the day. In the event, perhaps because of these difficulties everyone rallied round and did their part, and the day went smoothly. I think that these occasions should bring out the best in families, not the worst, if everyone gives and takes.

With regard to the "doing it alone" style of marriage. I think this has become a trend,or a fad, and whilst marriage is a committment between two people, it is also the public acknowledgement of that comittment. The wedding is not about the party afterwards, it is about the vows, you can party anytime.

lostinrates

poet123 wrote: »

Again, I agree with much of what you have written. No family is perfect, we all have family members with issues,(we have mental health issues in our family too) and at the last family wedding a close relative of the bride was dying from cancer, the venue had been under threat of closure, she found herself pregnant before the big day,and had a daughter, all these were issues which could have detracted from the day. In the event, perhaps because of these difficulties everyone rallied round and did their part, and the day went smoothly. I think that these occasions should bring out the best in families, not the worst, if everyone gives and takes.

With regard to the "doing it alone" style of marriage. I think this has become a trend,or a fad, and whilst marriage is a committment between two people, it is also the public acknowledgement of that comittment. The wedding is not about the party afterwards, it is about the vows, you can party anytime.

Yes I think we probably have similar opinions from a different position

I think going a way has been a backlash against insincere overlblown statement weddings, and that is as sad as the overblown over indebted weddings IMO.

My pint is that you can't force other people to give and take. As the bride to be I really did try, and of course I wanted my parents with me, at least, and think I would have more easily backed them down on the difficult postitions. But I also felt it would be worng to put my parents above DH's family: for example, by going ahead with them and not his family there (one of DHs suggestions, it was he who instigated the alone wedding).

Incidently, we had a civil service, DH and I felt ''married already'' spritually, in commitment we had taken together in the decision. We are from differnet cultural/religious backgrounds (and indeed the dual officiates were part of the ''performance''..neither of us are adherant of our religions of birth although we feel culturally influenced by them.) as such we felt the actual registery office stuff was formailising a position we alread held...we had been engaged for a year, lived together for a year before that. i think those sort of thoughts on commitment and culture and religion can be also relevant to the deicison.

Snuggles

poet123 wrote: »

I agree,I think that those who do not want their parents,close family at their wedding have other unresolved issues. All families have their differences,but thankfully those I am involved with get past those and are there for each other through thick and thin.

I fully appreciate that this expereince is not universal,but if you have had a good,or reasonably good upbringing,surely sharing your special day is the norm?

Hi poet, I guess people are just different! I don't have any unresolved issues with my family, or my OH's family, yet I'm not sure that I'll particularly feel the need to share my wedding with them when we get married.

There are a couple of reasons, firstly I've never ever dreamt of a fairytale wedding day, as so many women seem to do. I have always looked foward to being in a marriage and sharing my life with the man I love, but the actual wedding is just a day, and I'm not too bothered about it. I would rather it was just between me and my OH, as it is about us and our life together. My family love me, and I know they would understand this.

The second reason is that I don't particularly like being the centre of attention and I don't think I would enjoy being gawped at. I don't feel the need to have lots of people there admiring my dress or whatever, and I'd feel much more relaxed if it was just me and my OH.

Not everyone wants a big day, and I don't think there's anything odd about it!

Bitsy_Beans

As a mother I can only hope that my children think enough of me to be able to watch them make their vows to their prospective spouses. As a bride (5 years ago) I can honestly say our 65 guests didn't make me feel uncomfortable (I am not one for being centre of attention at the best of times) but I can't only describe feeling so loved that so many people (pretty much all of them who were invited) came to see me and my H get wed. They were there JUST for us (no free bar at our wedding I am afraid!) and that made it all the more special.
I can understand if you have relationship problems which prevent you from having a sensible relationship with your family but I must admit I don't understand why those with "normal" family situations still want to elope. To deny close family and friends the pleasure of seeing you wed - having all of them in attendance just made the whole event even better.
Just my two-penneth worth