I dont want my family at my wedding!

beautyqueen88

Apoligies in advance for the rambling post but could do with your thoughts on this as im not sure what to do!

Me and OH plan to get married in October, from being a little girl i have always wanted to get married on a beach somewhere so we decided to tie the knot in St Lucia because we totally fell in love with the place when we visited last year.

I've always believed that getting married is between you and you partner and i've never have the desire to have everyone and there grandad standing around watching me because it's nothing to do with them, the thought of aunties, uncles and whoever else standing around blubbering just makes me cringe. i know some people love huge weddings but it's just me maybe im an unsociable bint already at the age of 21 lol

Anyway originally my mum, dad and nan were coming along with OH's mum and sister. also our daughter who is 3 who we very much do want there no matter who else ends up going. We thought this would be ok at first but the more we sit and think about it the more its our worst nightmare, my mum and Dad would be coming for the whole 2weeks, and i really think they would ruin the whole thing, they completly spoil our daughter to the extent they have never set any rules, let her get away with anything so she behaves totally differant when there around because she knows if she cry's she gets whatever she wants off them, she's a totally differant child when she's just with us, i can barely stand been at their house for more than an hour anymore so i dont know how i would spend 2weeks with them listening to our daughter throwing tantrums when theres no need for it. and the rest of the time they are uptight and deadly serious (specially my dad) i dont want to see his miserable face for that amount of time.

Than on the other hand OH's mum wants to bring her boyfriend who just happens to be OH's uncle, they got together when she had split from his dad. he can accept the bizzare situation to the extent he will talk to them but really doesnt want them there as he doesnt get on wth his mum anyway and understandable he doesnt want his uncle there in place of his dad. His sister we have no problem with at all but i dont think she's going to be able to afford it.

So im not sure what to do i need to be booking it now but i just cant bare the thought of spending sooo much money on a wedding/holiday we just arnt going to enjoy.

only options i can think of are
1. just !!!!!! off on our own and probably p*ss them all off. im on the verge of doing this but i dont want to fall out with them really.

2. get married here and know we'll deffinitly enjoy our honeymoon without them after. I cant seem to bring myself to do this as its always been my dream to get married abroad so i don't see why i should totally ruin that just for sake of keeping everyone else happy, specially when as i see it it has nothing to do with them anyway. plus if we get married here then everyone will end up coming.

3. just go for it and spend about 6 grand creating my worst nightmare.

4. just not get married to avoid the whole thing. Again not fair because im letting everyone else rule me.

Do you think were being unreasonable? i not sure what i'd say to them, i wish i hadn't attempted to plan it and just gone to vegas or something, i've always been a bit of a wild card so my family would have understood this but i think i've gone soft since having my daughter and suddenly dont want to upset anyone.

OH just doesnt give a sh*t if he upsets anyone or not and is bluntly refusing to go if they are all coming so i've been left to sort it on my own. Advice greatly appreciated! :eek:

minimoneysaver

Option 1. Do what you and your husband to be want to do. It is your wedding. They will get over it. Have a fancy dinner out or party/wedding reception over here after the wedding. That is a good time to invite the extended family & friends. It gives everyone time to congratulate you and you another time to wear your wedding dress! Good luck.

ailuro2

Go off and do it on your own, hold a reception when you come back.

Say you've decided it's not fair to put pressure on people to spend that kind of money, what with the credit crunch and everything, that you would feel too guilty to realx and enjoy it when other people were spending their money to be there....and also that your sis doesn't have the money to come and it is all family or none.....

Let the mothers organise the reception party for when you're home, that's only one night, it will give them something to occupy themselves, and you get to wear your dress a second time.

Or be like us, go off to Vegas, get hitched and tell folk when you come back. :j It is personal to you when you get married, and let's be honest, some people just don't want the hassle of complicated families spoiling their weddingmoon (that's what it's called when you get married on honeymoon) Just don't tell your family that version.;)

whitewing

We got married last year (in England but away from home). I didn't want my family (specifically my mum and dad) but there were a couple of friends that I did want. I know my friends would have felt uncomfortable without my parents there. So we asked everyone.

While we enjoyed our weddingmoon, my dad made me furious on the day itself. The afternoon was fine but I sort of still feel that for the amount of money we spent, it would have been better to have gone off with just DH and DS. (It's not that we spent so much; just that it was a lot of money for us). I couldn't let my dad walk me in and I got asked so many times in the run up if that's what he would do that I felt really bad. (They usually asked in front of him).

My advice is to go off alone. I'm not badly disappointed by mine (and a lot of more distant relatives made aspects very special, but would have done so at a party at home anyway), but could have dealt with the same amount of worry/negative aspects on the run up only, and then at least had a great less worry holiday.

Rikki

Difficult decision I know.

I had a similar problem but not with a wedding abroad.
I was the oldest child, first grandchild and the idea of not inviting close family members really upset my Mum; to the point my Dad called me as I didn't realise how much I'd hurt my Mum.
I still had a small wedding with only twenty guests and I'm glad I did.

I know its your special day but there are other people who are looking forward to seeing you getting married, from when you were very little, so think carefully and sympathetically to the feelings of others too.

mountainlioness

Hi Beauty queen

I'm a great believer in doing things as important as getting married your way... we had a humanist wedding in a castle in scotland and didn't invite most of DH's family (his nan came even though she usually refuses to go to any non-christian wedding - she later said it was the most moving and meangingful wedding she'd ever been to). It was perfect. There was no-one there that we didn't look at and think how glad we were that they'd come.

On the other hand, just ****ing off will probably cause more trouble than it's worth - after all, you'll have to come home at some point! I would go with your dream private wedding but perhaps arrange something else afterwards that can include your family in a way that's less pressured (especially given your complicated family arrangements). Be honest about what you're doing though and how much it means to you to do it your way but you want to find some way of sharing the start of the rest of your life with them. Compromising on who comes to the 'after show party' might be easier after you've had your dream wedding exactly as you imagined?

But compromise too much on the wedding itself and you may come to resent them and regret not having the day you wanted?

BuddyBonthenet

What a difficult situation. It is your special day, but those who love you will want to share it with you in some way. Personally I don't think it is really just between you and your OH, as one of the reasons for having a wedding ceremony is to declare your union to witnesses and more often than not that includes some family.

If your OH is refusing to go if they all come then that has got to be your starting point for deciding what to do.

If he won't compromise then either you abandon the idea of getting married for the time being or he has to start getting involved so you can both reach a decision that won't spoil your special day.

His uncle is not really representing his Dad as the groom's father has no formal role and you can make sure his uncle doesn't appear in the photos in his Dad's place by explaining the situation to the photographer (they will be used to this kind of thing) and telling him in advance what groupings you what photographed.

I would also plan to get married at the beginning of the holiday and then leave everyone (except your daughter) behind to do what they want and then spend the rest of your honeymoon by yourselves somewhere else on the island.

MagicMummy_2

BuddyBonthenet wrote: »

I would also plan to get married at the beginning of the holiday and then leave everyone (except your daughter) behind to do what they want and then spend the rest of your honeymoon by yourselves somewhere else on the island.

I dont think you can get married at the start of your holiday as I am sure you have to have been in the country for a week at least sometimes 10 days.

BuddyBonthenet

MagicMummy wrote: »

I dont think you can get married at the start of your holiday as I am sure you have to have been in the country for a week at least sometimes 10 days.

Sorry, I didn't realise that.:o

Mojisola

beautyqueen88 wrote: »

I've always believed that getting married is between you and you partner and i've never have the desire to have everyone and there grandad standing around watching me because it's nothing to do with them, the thought of aunties, uncles and whoever else standing around blubbering just makes me cringe.

I've always thought of the marriage ceremony as a public statement made in front of your family and friends that you are committing to each other so it is something to do with your family. But that doesn't mean you have to change the way you want to do it to suit others.

gabyjane

Hmm my sister will probably read this so will be careful although she knows how i feel by now!
I got married last october on a cruise ship, was similar to you and didn't want the whole big wedding with everyone staring at me!! glad we went away as it was fab, there was me and dh!! and dd, my sister, dh's best friend as best man and his girlfriend so 6 of us in total. It was really really nice and it is all i wanted there tbh and still glad to this day we did it like we did.

My dad and i haven't got on for some time and despite attempts i realise i am going nowhere fast with it all so decided not to invite him to the actual wedding..i did invite him to the party we had when we returned and he declined much to my upset but hey this is why he never got a proper invite. My brother doesn't work, lives in a tent and couldn't afford to come, he is very hard to deal with and for various reasons i didn't invite him either..the rest of my family are all london areas and haven't seen them for years so was easier for me i guess! I invited my grandad and uncle and they came and it was fan to see them again too.

I personally would do what YOU want and forget anyone else..i KNOW if my dad had come it would have been extremely arkward and would have never ended up a happy trip..if my brother had come i would have been highly stressed and probably thrown him overboard!! (bless him i love him really!) and as much as i wanted them there it's no point trying to do things to please other people on your special day so do what you want and deal with it afterwards..have a big party and just say sorry but your day and that's it.
Good luck hope it all works out!