When to start dating again?

Taye

sarymclary wrote: »

HTH, and just enjoy your Dave time. The fact that you're finding yourself more physically attracted to Dave is a significant change, and it's probably when you are becoming suddenly 'aware', that you're having your jumpy moments. Consider what the thoughts in your mind are when you feel the urge to jump or flee. What is causing that panic, and if you are beginning to feel it's a bit irrational, try to create a method to deal with it, ie. you feel the panic, but give yourself 5 seconds before you react, and then attempt to leave the room in a more relaxed manner, or excuse yourself to the loo, get a drink, and create a 'normal' situation out of what you're beginning to see as 'abnormal'. In time I am confident they will just fade away. If you don't see them fade, then you will probably have to discuss it with Dave, and just reassure him that it's just you, and you wish it wouldn't happen, so it's not a planned reaction, but the chances of it remaining are slim. Is the thought about your fear to do with the 'next step' you may want to take physically?

I think thats the problem, i am starting to realise how abnormal it is and although im not ready to jump right into a full blown physical relationship, i am wanting to advance from where i am? if that makes sence? im not saying i want to jump into bed with him, but a bit of a snogg without a panic attack would be nice, i have all the right feelings i just can't seem to get over the hurdle beyond "peck goodnight" "cuddle on the couch" thing is im also worried now that dave isn't going to push it which i know is a good thing... he seems happy with what we have now and because he is being conciderate it's not pushing me into getting over the jumpy bits .. ugh am i even making sence?

1 and 7 ... ugh ... i now what his friend ment about him going abit fast now!

Dave left for his month yesterday morning, last night we had a good talk on the phone, during the converstation he mentioned that he'd ordered bunk beds for the boys?! for his house!?.. he's planning on getting rid of the double bed he has in the spare room and putting bunk beds in for the boys when they stay over.

I have to admit i got abit annoyed/upset i guess i snapped at him abit.. im not sure he realises the "sleeping arrangement" i have going on at my house i've never really seen the need to explain it and as he hasn't asked it's just been one of those things. I dunno maybe i was being unreasonable it's just that i work hard for what i have and i know it's not much but the last thing i want is for dave to lavish the boys with things i simply can't afford, i mean what will it be next?? computers? games, trips holidays?? im thier mother and i dunno i sort of feel like if i can't provide them i don't really someone else "out doing me?" I know it probabally doesn't make much sence.

Things got abit heated i guess i was kinda upset, he was trying to calm me down and during the whole thing he sort of suggested that maybe me and the boys should just move in with him??!! i sort of snapped back for him to stop being idiotic to which he replied that if he was it wasn't for the fact that i'd think he was idiotic he'd have asked me to marry him already!!? :eek: i can't really remember what my reply was something about him making fun of me, at which point i slammed down the phone.... he tried to ring back but i didnt answer .... stupid man!

NOVASTAR

:huh:Taye - there's no reason to be so hard on Dave. He is just very eager and keen on you and is just thinking ahead, which is lovely.
If he wants to buy bunk beds for his spare room, thats ok as its up to you when/if you use them.
Just relax abit as you know that you don't have to do anything that you don't want to ..... i'd certaily get to know him alot better and be wined and dined before anything like moving in happens!
I think that its a good idea to let him know that you are still interested in him and eventually he'll slow down to match your expectations (to a certain degree).
Have you not contacted each other since the phone call?

jinky67

Whoa whoa whoa.........

i can see why you were upset about the whole bed thing. I would feel exactly the same hun:cool:

And I can see why Dave's friend warned you about his *enthusiasum*:rotfl:

But you need to phone him and explain to him that he is thinking waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay into the future.

Dont his idiotic, silly, sweet nature ruin this.....just tell him calmly that you are no-where near that point.

To think you thought you were overthinking things He is worse than you

bevan840

Taye wrote: »

I think thats the problem, i am starting to realise how abnormal it is and although im not ready to jump right into a full blown physical relationship, i am wanting to advance from where i am? if that makes sence? im not saying i want to jump into bed with him, but a bit of a snogg without a panic attack would be nice, i have all the right feelings i just can't seem to get over the hurdle beyond "peck goodnight" "cuddle on the couch" thing is im also worried now that dave isn't going to push it which i know is a good thing... he seems happy with what we have now and because he is being conciderate it's not pushing me into getting over the jumpy bits .. ugh am i even making sence?

You are making sence, the thing is, with the few snippets you've let us know about your Ex I'm quite suprised (but very happy) that you've got close enough to cuddling and even the peck on the cheek.
My OH was unfortunately abused before I met him, not in the bedroom department but outside of the bedroom, but he still finds it difficult to let the past go and we've been together nearly 4 years now. He now knows that I'm not like his past but there are still times when it affects him and he gets scared of me. (Small arguments etc which would prompt ex partners to turn violent). I can honestly say I have/will never touch him in anger.
My only advice is to just do what your comfortable with, try not to worry too much, it's not abnormal, your just used to a different sort of treatment and need to get used to receiving kindness, which can be difficult after a 'rough' relationship.
Take things slowly, it is good that he is standing back, he is letting you find yourself, and once you do and feel ready for the next step let him know, until then just enjoy the time you have, he is now that he know's where he stands.

I agree with some of what NOVASTAR said as well, it is nice that he is thinking ahead but it is a little bit early. If he want's to go ahead with the bunk beds then let him know that it doesn't mean you are just going to move in asap, it is your choice to stay there so even if/when he offers you can still say no. Where does he think your going to be sleeping if he does get the bunk beds? That's another thing you need to mention, especially if you aren't ready for that stage yet. Take care, your doing so well!! *hugs*

sarymclary

Oh Taye, Dave sounds like my husband (altho' Dave sounds much hunkier TBH). He proposed to me after we'd been dating 14 days! He just said he knew I was 'the one', and that there was no way he was going to let me get away. I think Dave is trying to be really considerate of your needs, without being able to consider your thoughts. He's not in your financial position, and sounds like he never has been. You can't begin to presume he'd know how you'd feel, but that's not to say you can't tell him. Rather than telling him he's an idiot, which, yes, that's a possibility, he's just trying to show his kindness and thoughtfulness, but does it in a clumsy way.

Dave sounds like a 'doer'. He's a problem solver. The double bed seemed like a problem, and the bunks was the solution. He's clearly used to solving problems without much consultation - he needs reminding that you now need to consulted about things like that. His actions came from a good place, so try not to be too hard on him, but like any over-enthusiastic child, he needs reigning back in.

At least you know he's got long-term intentions towards you, if nothing else. Bless him, he's like a big, bounding puppy isn't he? I can almost imagine his bright shiny eyes, and rosy cheeks desperately looking at you for approval for bringing home a prize (bunk beds), and you kick his backside, and send him to his kennel! hah! (albeit over the phone).

As for the physical side of things. If you're going to be consenting adults about this, and bear in mind this is all new territory for you, why not follow a step by step plan? That may sound rather clinical, but it would offer you the reassurance of set boundaries, offering you the security of measured increase in intimacy. So long as you have a reassurance and promise from Dave that no matter how much the fire inside him is roaring, he follows your lead, and your pace, I think you'll both do just fine. What those steps are is for you to decide. So, for example, step 1 could be you instigate a longer, more lingering kiss, but nothing too intense. Step 2 could be a more full-on snog. Step 3 could be a massage, but without moving forward to anything explicit. You get the idea, and before this starts to look like racier Mills & Boon I'll stop. The key is that it's measured, and both you and Dave devise it, but with the ultimate aim that it leads to you both having a fulfilling, full physical relationship. It could be that you stay at step 2 or 3 for a couple of months, but it may be that you feel more confident to go further sooner. The fact that this feels like a big deal to you, may mean that if you have any specific no go's, you must let him know sooner, rather than later. That could be something as simple as you don't him to ever pin you down, even as a joke, because it scares you, or your prefer to not give/receive something sexually. You get my drift, but if you're going to be a proper couple, these will need to be considered, and addressed. The more you think about this aspect of your life as a positive to be enjoyed, and shared the more you and Dave can share the rest of your life together too.

Well done for sticking to your principles, and don't feel too bad about reacting to the bunk beds, but do let him know the reason why. He won't have a clue. Tell him you don't want the kids to be spoilt by him, and that you can't have them get used to it too soon. He can spoil the boys with his time, they must really like having a bloke around at the mo, so suggest that instead. Tell him to buy a kite to fly at the park, that sort of thing.

bevan840

sarymclary wrote: »

Oh Taye, Dave sounds like my husband (altho' Dave sounds much hunkier TBH). He proposed to me after we'd been dating 14 days! He just said he knew I was 'the one', and that there was no way he was going to let me get away. I think Dave is trying to be really considerate of your needs, without being able to consider your thoughts. He's not in your financial position, and sounds like he never has been. You can't begin to presume he'd know how you'd feel, but that's not to say you can't tell him. Rather than telling him he's an idiot, which, yes, that's a possibility, he's just trying to show his kindness and thoughtfulness, but does it in a clumsy way. Similar to mine, he told me he loved me after one night!!! :eek: Took him 6 months & a very big prod from me to get him to finally make a move, although once I found out why it took so long I completely understood, but he told me if I hadn't we probably wouldnt be where we are now.

Dave sounds like a 'doer'. He's a problem solver. The double bed seemed like a problem, and the bunks was the solution. He's clearly used to solving problems without much consultation - he needs reminding that you now need to consulted about things like that. His actions came from a good place, so try not to be too hard on him, but like any over-enthusiastic child, he needs reigning back in.

At least you know he's got long-term intentions towards you, if nothing else. Bless him, he's like a big, bounding puppy isn't he? I can almost imagine his bright shiny eyes, and rosy cheeks desperately looking at you for approval for bringing home a prize (bunk beds), and you kick his backside, and send him to his kennel! hah! (albeit over the phone). I now have that image also!!! Poor puppy :rotfl:

As for the physical side of things. If you're going to be consenting adults about this, and bear in mind this is all new territory for you, why not follow a step by step plan? That may sound rather clinical, but it would offer you the reassurance of set boundaries, offering you the security of measured increase in intimacy. So long as you have a reassurance and promise from Dave that no matter how much the fire inside him is roaring, he follows your lead, and your pace, I think you'll both do just fine. What those steps are is for you to decide. So, for example, step 1 could be you instigate a longer, more lingering kiss, but nothing too intense. Step 2 could be a more full-on snog. Step 3 could be a massage, but without moving forward to anything explicit. You get the idea, and before this starts to look like racier Mills & Boon I'll stop. The key is that it's measured, and both you and Dave devise it, but with the ultimate aim that it leads to you both having a fulfilling, full physical relationship. It could be that you stay at step 2 or 3 for a couple of months, but it may be that you feel more confident to go further sooner. The fact that this feels like a big deal to you, may mean that if you have any specific no go's, you must let him know sooner, rather than later. That could be something as simple as you don't him to ever pin you down, even as a joke, because it scares you, or your prefer to not give/receive something sexually. You get my drift, but if you're going to be a proper couple, these will need to be considered, and addressed. The more you think about this aspect of your life as a positive to be enjoyed, and shared the more you and Dave can share the rest of your life together too. I totally agree with this, as much as we wish men were mind readers (as they assume we are) he won't know the things to stay away from, my OH did something my Ex used to do to me once and I screamed and ran away from him, locked myself in bathroom and wouldn't come out!!! Once I calmed down and explained why he asked why I hadn't told him sooner, I honestly don't know why I didn't, maybe I was just thinking it would never happen again. He now knows not to do it again though

Well done for sticking to your principles, and don't feel too bad about reacting to the bunk beds, but do let him know the reason why. He won't have a clue. Tell him you don't want the kids to be spoilt by him, and that you can't have them get used to it too soon. He can spoil the boys with his time, they must really like having a bloke around at the mo, so suggest that instead. Tell him to buy a kite to fly at the park, that sort of thing.

It will get easier, you've got everyone hooked now so we're all watching, hoping for the fairytale ending, and if not, we're all here with hugs and kind words (although I don't think we'll be needing them )

(PS Sorry for pinching the post, but couldn't work out how to use the 'Quote' button without losing everything)

k2tog

Taye, it sounds like you're saying you are in a bit of a catch 22 situation - you want to "progress" but are scared to and you've told him not to, so he won't. Is that right? You are doing great. You "made" him "push" you the other week by saying you wanted to kiss him and not to let you bottle it before he went. Perhaps that might work again, but only when you know you are ready.
I sort of understand the bunk bed thing too. I think he is (in a bit of a clumsy way) trying to make things easier for you - trying to remove any obstacles but he's doing it before you've even got there IYSWIM which is maybe making you feel a bit pressured? As for the other (moving in/marriage) I think he's just trying to tell you how important you are becoming to him, and that he plans on being part of your life for quite some time!
Perhaps you need to set some ground rules with regard to your kids - get him to discuss stuff with you first - I really don't think that would be unreasonable. Don't forget, he hasn't been a parent, so maybe won't understand so you need to explain it to him. I am sympathetic to your point of view Taye, but part of me just thinks *bless* that he is trying to do nice things for you. He just needs calming down a bit :rolleyes:

Taye

Argh total nightmare...

Havn't been in touch with Dave since yesterday, he's texed me a few times today wanting to talk but i accidently left my phone at home so i've only just got the messages.

Clearly he doens't understand whats going on, understandable i suppose and judging by the fact that i've ignored him all day and his last few messages he now thinks im breaking the whole thing off.

Not good right?

Ok so first things first i need to reply back saying that im not breaking it off and that i do want to see him again... what next?

Argh i dunno the whole thing is a mess AGAIN and i dunno what to say, in one text he told me he loves me which is sweet but it's not like i can reply back saying "i love you too"

Come on guys this is silly right it's been what 2 weeks? he can't possibly love me?? should i be finding this weird?

I dunno it's not just the fact that he wasn't to get the kids a bed but it's 2 weeks!!!! 2 weeks and he seems to be planning a lifetime?? heck i think that freaks me out more than the idea of sleeping with the guy.

jinky67

So you text him back telling him you left your phone at home, and just explain to him that inviting you and the kids to move in was a lovely thought BUT it is just far too soon.

Tell him you really like him, but you cannot yet think in the long term, you just want it to stay *cool* for now till you build up your confidence a little bit.

And it is not necessarily silly. Big confession time.....I told my current OH that i thought I loved him before we even met each other, because we talked on the phone all the time and we had the same views on almost everything we spoke about. We talked about kids and marriage and everything, it just seemed right. And although it hasnt all been plain sailing, we are very much in love 7 months down the line.

BrokeBrunette

ok, the first thing you do is text him, letting him know you left your phone at home and that's why you haven't replied to his messages. That's the polite and decent thing to do regardless of everything else.

I agree with you that Dave is certainly the type of guy who likes to move quickly and I'd probably be freaking out a bit too. It's very early days and you need to remind him of this - in a nice way.

Don't let him bulldoze you into things you're not comfortable with, but you don't want to put the poor guy off for life. Just remind him that you do like him, want to spend time with him etc, but you need him to slow down a bit.

Sometimes it's not what we say to someone, it's how we say it, so there is nothing wrong with wanting to slow things down - just be gentle with him, he is a bloke after all