When to start dating again?

mummy_Jay

Taye, have you considered he wants kids and an instant family where he can skip the messy baby part might be his perfect scenario? He may not want to have a baby with you, just get to play dad to your boys.

As for the garden stuff, I think this is more excuse for him to play with a mini digger etc. He sounds like a man who likes his boy toys and he probably doesnt find many excuses to play with this type. As for the money, you can't afford to pay him back everytime he tries to spoil you (and you may embaress him, so don't) Just say thank you with a nice homecooked meal on the day and a promise he can have some of the fresh veggies once they have grown. I don't think he means it as charity, its just the only way he knows to show you how much he cares but you may want to point out he's not allowed to pull these stunts too often as they embaress you.

Try and enjoy your time with him this weekend and don't over analysis it, you haven't signed up for a lifetime yet so just let it run its natural course.

rach29

Taye wrote: »

You see it's this bit here that worry's me!!

...in my conversations with him, most of the reason he split up with his ex boiled down to the simple fact that he wanted KIDS and she didn't.

Now the fact that i have 2 gives me a check in the box as far as he's concerned. However as far as im concerned I've had my kids, i do not want more. Im just not entirely sure it's fair to go down this whole path if at the end of it he's just going to end up back where he was 5 years ago, at a position of his life where he wants to start a family but the woman he's with has no intention of doing so. It just doens't seem fair on him.

Taye I understand where you are coming fro here, and actually it's rather sweet that you are so thoughtful about this.

I'll tell you my story a little if you don't mind, I was a single mum with two children of 5 & 10 when I met my OH. I had most certainly ditched my maternity years (been there done that & no intention of doing it again)

My partner had been on his own for a few years & like Dave had "the house" The cars" and was earning £100k+

We now have a 3 1/2 year old, the older kids are 11 and 16, we sold "the house" and one of the cars, and he gave up his lucrative career and started a business from home. We have a lot less money but my OH is here to see the children grow up & I gave up my job to be a SAHM, I couldn't be happier.

I'm not saying this is what you should do, I'm just showing you how things can change if a relationship is right.

Remember, whoever Dave was to meet, that children might not result.

Stop over thinking & go with the flow, you can have the deep & meaningful conversations in time.

swiss69

Stop over analysing things too much! You havent even snogged him yet:D

What will be will....You havent had any fun for the last 7 years by the sound of it so go with the flow, enjoy his company and get to know him better.

It might turn into the love story of the year but it might not. Life is like that...Run with it !!!

k2tog

You are definitely over-thinking now! I refer you to Swiss's fine point above - re snogging! I am an over-thinker too and it can become very unhelpful. I'm concerned that you seem to be looking for a loophole so you can "escape" because this is all strange and new and a bit scary, or maybe you are looking for reassurance that it's all OK? Either way, don't sabotage yourself with all this. Doesn't it feel wonderful that an attractive, decent man wants to spend time with you and thinks you are great? Tell me no and I'll bet you're fibbing! Please try and relax. There is huge potential for you all (and I include the children in this) to have fun and something brilliant to happen even if it doesn't last the course.

barnaby-bear

Taye wrote: »

You see it's this bit here that worry's me!!

I know what your saying is 100% right, im sure part of my "appeal" to Dave is based on the fact that she is looking to settle down, change his life from what it is to something more perminant.

He split up with his wife because they wanted different things from life, he wanted to settle down and start a family, while she was very career orientated, now ill grant im fairly family orientated and i have no career to speak of which im sure is what he finds appealing about me.

However and it's a big however ...in my conversations with him, most of the reason he split up with his ex boiled down to the simple fact that he wanted KIDS and she didn't.

Now the fact that i have 2 gives me a check in the box as far as he's concerned. However as far as im concerned I've had my kids, i do not want more. Im just not entirely sure it's fair to go down this whole path if at the end of it he's just going to end up back where he was 5 years ago, at a position of his life where he wants to start a family but the woman he's with has no intention of doing so. It just doens't seem fair on him.

Oh and yeah yeah i know im super over thinking it because chances are this is never gonna get that far, it one of my worst attributes.

I was trying to make the point that his life probably isn't perfect. Nobody's is. People find they can't have kids and don't break up.

As a starting point - you are both into the gym that's a common interest. The fact he doesn't drink means he probably isn't that into bars/clubs. Maybe he's genuinely interested in having a constructive gardening hobby, and there is the digger. Maybe spending time with you and your kids adds something. You're just going to have to look for the common interests and the things that you bring that complement each other.

Quackers

swiss69 wrote: »

Stop over analysing things too much! You havent even snogged him yet:D

What will be will....You havent had any fun for the last 7 years by the sound of it so go with the flow, enjoy his company and get to know him better.

It might turn into the love story of the year but it might not. Life is like that...Run with it !!!

Yep. Definately.

Your thoughts are thinking too many thoughts which dont need thinking about

Its best not to think.

Its best just to do what feels good & enjoy

duchy

I know quite a bit about contractors too
My ex isn't one but lots of his mates are and yes it's a very shallow lifestyle and lots of them find their lives lacking something REAL and those brave enough move on to find it.

Moving along a very good friend of mine who also works in IT loves gadgets and all the big boys toys, is good at spending money -but earns it so why not, is very generous-not just in material stuff but in time and thought too and although is in a very committed relationship has absolutely no desire to have children of his own. His partner is older than him and has children and grandchildren and he's great with them (and with my teenage son too-who is really hard work at times because of his Aspergers) and totally involved -but has zero desire to have any himself and never has. I could just imagine him doing exactly what Dave has done with the garden and hiring the tools -and loving it all. It also struck me that Dave may also see this as a good way to spend time with you without the babysitting issue raising its head again. Maybe he wants kids, maybe he just wants to be part of a family -maybe in time you may decide you want another child as part of a committed relationship (yes I know you don't now-but we aren't talking now or even forseeable future) , Just get to know him and in time all these questions will be answered naturally as you get to know each other. Good relationships are about communication and sometimes compromise but on both sides not just one. Hyperthetically you don't want a child -he does-but he may decide he wants a relationship and ready-made family more than a possibility of a child with someone else-you just don't know.

Chill-be prepared to keep your workforce fed and watered -and stop worrying. You ARE over-thinking this all a bit.

SugarSpun

You've not even kissed him yet. It's too soon to be thinking about whether he'll be upset that you might not want to have his kids.

Enjoy the moment, make sure there are refreshing cold beverages available for sweaty gardeners and relax. There's time to think about kids much later, for the moment it should be all about the raised beds (snigger).

NAR

Taye wrote: »

You see it's this bit here that worry's me!! (KIDS)

Taye, I think you are being your usual thoughtful self. Dave has said that he is hoping for a long-term relationship, as you probably are too. You are concerned about "falling" for him and then hurting him over the kids issue.
I think it is a topic for discussion, but a little further down the line - you have only just become a "couple." If things are still going well in a couple of weeks I would make it a topic for conversation then.

Horace

Taye - you havent been going out with him long enough to even discuss kids, if you are still with him in 12 months then bring them up but no need to do so now. Enjoy the moment - life is for living so live it.

I hate being considered a charity case so I know where you are coming from, I have been seeing my chap now for 6 years and I was made redundant in 2007 and since then have been on the dole and now have my own business - currently earning zero:eek: My chap comes from a wealthy family and he often brags about how much he has in his own bank account but I don't care. He understands that its not his money that I like but him (even though he drives me around the bend and up the wall), he will buy shopping for me and even clothes (although the clothes are from Primarni), he even takes me out for dinner but when he comes around, he gets his washing done, a roast dinner occasiionally and I don't feel beholden to him. Mind you I would love him to be like Dave as mine won't even put up some shelves - he did once but since then has done nothing:rolleyes:

I have a friend who was in a similar situation to you - she started going out with her ex when they were still at school and got married at 16, she went on to have 4 kids, there were problems with her OH and in the end she managed to kick him out and they got divorced...she became a beautician as that fitted in with her kids and eventually she met someone else after going out with a few weasels in between times, she has now re-married and despite saying that she didnt want more kids, she has a son who is now 8 months old:D She now works for herself.

So stop stressing about what if...enjoy what you have whilst you can because you don't know what is around the corner - none of us do:D Oh and its great to feel attractive - I met up with an ex boyfriend a few months ago, we last went out when we were in our early 20s and split up because I was afraid of getting pregnant:rolleyes: - he slipped me his phone number and we have met up for coffee a few times and had a good old natter..will something come from it? I don't know but if he asked me out on a date date then I would definitely go, he makes me feel like a 20 year old all over again:j