When to start dating again?

MissMitch

The way I see it, Dave is obviously a very active, hands on* kind of guy...else he wouldn't be living in the house he's living in, so I'd say he'd probably finds it impossible not to get stuck into a project like your garden. I don't think it has to have an ulterior motive other then trying to make your life better and impress you with his willingness.

Taye, you've done amazing so far but please be careful not to go hunting for problems with him because if you do you'll find them for sure! You'll find plenty of things that annoy the hell out of you about him in the fullness of time, but for now enjoy the attention, enjoy the attraction and try to let things unfold naturally and eventually you'll discover whether it'll work out or it won't. He's already shown the ability to listen to your concerns and been considerate enough in his behaviour...it's a flaming good start if you ask me! :T





*I'm not just talking about his wandering hand gym antics here!

barnaby-bear

Taye wrote: »

Eeeeeek i hope he's not earning £650-£750 a day ... that would mean he earns per day more than i do a month .. ugh.

I really have no clue what he earns i haven't ventured to ask it somehow doens't seem polite, besides i don't want him thinking im after his money cause im not. I know he must earn quite abit (judging by his house etc) and im guessing he has savings because it doens't seem to bother him at all that he's currently bettween contracts.

Tbh i know he offered but i just feel bad, im not someone who takes handouts easily and although im sure his intentions are honerable it still makes me feel like im taking advantage of his kindness.

I just like to pay my share and while the logical rational side of my brain tells me that not everything should come down to money it's harder to belive it when someone else keeps doing the paying!!

Also Stupid things are playing on my mind, he's nice i like him but i can't help but feel im somehow doing wrong by him.

I realise it is VERY VERY early days and i really should just focus on the now. But i'm pretty sure we both want compleatly different things out of life. It's niggling at the back of my head, telling me to call it off while things are still fun, before they get serious.

Calling it off after falling for the guy would be soooooo much harder, im just not sure im being fair on him.

Make sence?

I dabble on the fringe of this world. Yes the IT contracting world can be £50 an hour BUT you get no sick pay, no pension, few prospects and it compensates for the fact it's because you are utterly disposable - weeks, months no work - it's not for the faint hearted and you have to gamble - no dependents might be ok but most settle for the consistency of a salary and knowledge you'll get enough for the mortgage at half or a third of the money all the time. There's little satisfaction it's money, job is X, goodbye. The work doesn't lead to promotion or personal satisfaction. This guys been married it didn't work out - I imagine a lot of his friends moved on - the salary / lifestyle is shallow and temporary. Contractors boast how much you earn p.h. is the badge of honour it's the only measure of worth you have. There's always someone who made a smarter move in the dotcom and no-one admits when the contracts are scarce - £600 a day when you do 2 days if that in a month and have a flashy lifestyle don't go far.

Dave's mates/colleagues won't register his hourly rate, you notice his possessions and his freeness with money - maybe he's playing big fish small pond. Maybe he wants something less shallow, maybe he wants something less temporary and to go over the top playing husband. I'm sure he isn't without issues. He's mid-30s he's without home cooking, kids, stability etc when most of his peers have that .

Regardless of Dave you have control of what you do with your life/time and attitude - Dave's a sideline he isn't going to change your life, the realisation only you can do it and that you do deep down (however many squiffy excuses you fluster) have the capacity to take control. Dave has a lifestyle based on easy-come-easy-go not a huge amount to offer.

barnaby-bear

Taye wrote: »

I realise it is VERY VERY early days and i really should just focus on the now. But i'm pretty sure we both want compleatly different things out of life. It's niggling at the back of my head, telling me to call it off while things are still fun, before they get serious.

Calling it off after falling for the guy would be soooooo much harder, im just not sure im being fair on him.

Make sence?

He lives on microwaved meals. He's on his own. He has a failed marriage - many of his peers don't. He could have been a dad down the park these days - he has lots of long unfilled days between contracts to fill - think he doesn't think about that?

k2tog

Stop over-thinking this Taye. You're looking for problems!
Enjoy it.

This brings to mind a line in a Robbie Williams song that I'm too tired to remember - anyone? Something about splitting before getting involved?

That's by the by. Don't worry about his finances - they are his business just like your finances (or lack thereof!) are your business. Weather permitting, it should be a lovely non-pressured way to spend time together and get to know each other better.
Make sure he lets you have a go on the digger

MissMitch

Corrected - "Before I fall in love...I'm preparing to leave her" from Feel ?

k2tog

MissMitch wrote: »

Corrected - "Before I fall in love...I'm preparing to leave her" from Feel ?

That's the badger!
Thankyou MissMitch. All this emotion must be wearing me out if I couldn't remember that cos I :heartpuls him!

Taye

barnaby-bear wrote: »

maybe he wants something less temporary and to go over the top playing husband. I'm sure he isn't without issues. He's mid-30s he's without home cooking, kids, stability etc when most of his peers have that .

You see it's this bit here that worry's me!!

I know what your saying is 100% right, im sure part of my "appeal" to Dave is based on the fact that she is looking to settle down, change his life from what it is to something more perminant.

He split up with his wife because they wanted different things from life, he wanted to settle down and start a family, while she was very career orientated, now ill grant im fairly family orientated and i have no career to speak of which im sure is what he finds appealing about me.

However and it's a big however ...in my conversations with him, most of the reason he split up with his ex boiled down to the simple fact that he wanted KIDS and she didn't.

Now the fact that i have 2 gives me a check in the box as far as he's concerned. However as far as im concerned I've had my kids, i do not want more. Im just not entirely sure it's fair to go down this whole path if at the end of it he's just going to end up back where he was 5 years ago, at a position of his life where he wants to start a family but the woman he's with has no intention of doing so. It just doens't seem fair on him.

Oh and yeah yeah i know im super over thinking it because chances are this is never gonna get that far, it one of my worst attributes.

tiff

My sister was a single parent with one child when she met her husband. He has no children and said that he is happy with the fact she doesnt want any more kids as long was there was a child in his life (my nephew). It can work as long as youre honest from the beginning.

whitewing

Taye,

Stop this thinking right now. Just enjoy yourselves.

I have only one DS. As a single parent, I wouldn't have wanted any more kids ever because I would have been convinced I would end up on my own with them all. I married last year. We are trying for a baby. Things change. If I had been dead set against more children, I wouldn't have married DH as I wouldn't want him to lose out. There's a time for the 'having children' chat, and now possibly isn't that time.

Even if things don't work out long time, you can both have good memories of your time together now. Your children can enjoy being with mummy and her friend, but again, it isn't going to traumatise them if things don't work out forever. It may make them a little sad if you split up, but that's a natural part of life. What happens, happens. It's your choice on how you look at it.

Enjoy the moment!

Lunar_Eclipse

Taye,

Three things re: Dave & kids:

1) On the one hand it's good that you're aware of these things because it shows you're thoughtful, but you could make incorrect assumptions.

2) He might be very happy not having his own children, but still having a family life - and he won't know what the answer is yet fyi, although if you're really worried you could always ask him and let him know that you don't think you want any more children and why. Don't make assumptions on this one; it's complicated. The fact that his divorce was down to kids won't be the full story.

3) Don't rule anything out for you with regards to future kids. Whilst you may be quite sure you don't want any more, if in a few years time you were madly in love with someone and had the choice between them no longer being in your life or having a child with them and getting to raise that child and your boys via being a SAHM living in comparative luxury to the way you live now, you might just choose what you currently least expect.

Seriously, just relax. I don't think you could walk away over this anyway tbh. xx