When to start dating again?

mummy_Jay

Stop beating yourself up over this.

You have made progress, our relationship issues don't dissolve over night but in time with the right person they will fade into the past.

After being on your own for such a long time, I can understand you got attached so quickly, as Dave brought hope of something you'd discounted.

Dave may yet call but if he doesn't look at the progress you made and be proud of yourself. However much you feel upset by this look to the positive, your boys are open to you dating (especially of the guy has an x-box) and you able to be affectionate with a man.

Lunar_Eclipse

k2tog wrote: »

I'm a female BTW in case you didn't guess, and I must be a strange one because I cannot see the charm in Russell Brand

Me neither. We are twins.

Some absolutely brilliant replies recently; really great input.

Taye, fingers crossed today is better than yesterday. But you normal and doing very, very well. Don't be too hard on yourself; I'm very impressed with how far you've come and some of the things you've realised in such a short space of time. It's all good, whatever the outcome with Dave.

Keep positive, I really don't think it's the end, but perhaps be mindful of some of the interpretations on how he might be feeling as you move forward. There are two of you in the picture. Take care.

Mutter_2

This is why Taye, meeting someone through friends makes the whole progress so much smoother. You regularly meet in mixed company and some time later, maybe much later, the spark happens and you both move from being just friends to something more.

The advantage being that you know one another well before that spark happens.
One of the biggest handicaps to going out with an unknown, is not only the whole process accelerated but there's the question and answer session as to have you been married, have children? etc, etc. Not the most relaxing way to spend a date.
Dave or no Dave, try to develop a social circle. Invite a friend of the children to stay one Friday night so you get to meet the parents. Join Gingerbread, important too for the children as the groups will include lone Dads, male interaction for yours. Plus there's outings for all at reasonable cost.

The Daves of this world can wait a bit longer, otherwise you've come from one relationship to another without discovering Taye in the meantime. Do that and you'll be ready for the next Dave that happens along.

BTW, you mentioned your friend in your OP. What is her take on the situation?

Taye

My friend in the origional post is someone i met at the gym, we've been out a couple of times for drinks but she's not really a "close close" friend.

Tbh im just not a social person, when the kids where younger i did try and take them to various groups that my docter set up for me we took the kids out a few times, and i've got and do various activitys.

I ended quiting though after getting really upset at one of the organisers, she was concerned about my eldest sons development which was fine but she spent half her time blaming me for his lack of development kept telling me it was my fault. Incidently i got him diagnosed with Dyspraxia a few years later so as it turns out it wasn't my fault.. stupid cow.

I also tried joining groups like tumble tot's and did a few courses at the local family center with the idea of making friends but i just felt like i didn't really have much in comman with most of the women there.

I know it sounds awful but I live in a really bad area and as much as im not exactly rolling in money now i was just bought up in a compleatly different way to them and i just found it really hard to connect most of them where alot louder and brasher than im used to and tbh i found most of them abit intimidating.

I also spent years and years in therepy there was a time when i just locked myself in my house and didn't leave i used to get food etc delivered, and easily went 6 months without stepping outside. I had a worker from the local family center who used to visit me once a week she was there just to be someone to talk to because i could quite litterally say the only time i left the house was to take the bin out but eventually everyone sort of just left me to it when i finally started working and they felt i didn't need the help anymore.

I still have regular contact with the doctor though im not reciving any medication or therepy anymore. Just at a point now where i have to get on with things.

sarymclary

Taye, read, and re-read Duchy's post above - it is full of brilliant, sound advice.

Time is not always the magical cure for our past. As human beings we can be really sneaky with ourselves, and spend years convincing ourselves that we're fine, everything is OK, and in the past, but it only takes one trigger point to hit the fast rewind button, and take us back to pain, fear, loneliness, love, arousal, excitement, jealousy, insecurity, etc. (add any negative/positive you wish).

I have a bit of experience with this, on a professional level, but in my training I also had to experience it myself, and was amazed at what came out of the dark corners of my mind given the right triggers. What I found was that rather than trying to tuck them back away again, and hide from them, it was actually healthier, and more positive to deal with it, face it, confront it, and turn my back on 'it', having made a decision to move on, and accept it was part of my past, it was part of what had moulded me, but I had the power to choose for it not to be in my future, or to mould that too.

The suggestion of Gingerbread is a great one, they will do things that will fit in around your working hours, will give your family activities and meet-ups at weekends, and the opportunity for you all to create a social circle. Your boys will be old enough, in the blink of an eye, to get on their bikes and leave you to go out to play, and it's when that happens (take it from me) that it starts to dawn on you that the children need less of your company, and more of their friends' as they get older, but that can leave a big gap for you - although the peace and quiet is lovely too. Check them out here: http://www.gingerbread.org.uk/portal/page/portal/Website

If you'd like a bit of help moving forward, then just PM me for some pro bono exercises. No strings attached, just a friendly offer, if you want it.

rach29

Aww Taye, can you see what a long way you've come?

Whatever happens with Dave you have made a few giant leaps in the last week or so, and you should be proud of yourself!

Although you're not close friends with your gym friend she may offer you a friendly ear over a coffee, hey she could become a closer friend. She clearly cares about you as she encouraged Dave to try again when you turned him down.

I'm not a particularly sociable person, but I find if I push myself I generally have a good time.

I'm secretly still hoping you see Dave at the gym today and that the two of you will find a way forward.:o

barnaby-bear

Taye wrote: »

My friend in the origional post is someone i met at the gym, we've been out a couple of times for drinks but she's not really a "close close" friend.

Tbh im just not a social person, when the kids where younger i did try and take them to various groups that my docter set up for me we took the kids out a few times, and i've got and do various activitys.

I ended quiting though after getting really upset at one of the organisers, she was concerned about my eldest sons development which was fine but she spent half her time blaming me for his lack of development kept telling me it was my fault. Incidently i got him diagnosed with Dyspraxia a few years later so as it turns out it wasn't my fault.. stupid cow.

I also tried joining groups like tumble tot's and did a few courses at the local family center with the idea of making friends but i just felt like i didn't really have much in comman with most of the women there.

I know it sounds awful but I live in a really bad area and as much as im not exactly rolling in money now i was just bought up in a compleatly different way to them and i just found it really hard to connect most of them where alot louder and brasher than im used to and tbh i found most of them abit intimidating.

I also spent years and years in therepy there was a time when i just locked myself in my house and didn't leave i used to get food etc delivered, and easily went 6 months without stepping outside. I had a worker from the local family center who used to visit me once a week she was there just to be someone to talk to because i could quite litterally say the only time i left the house was to take the bin out but eventually everyone sort of just left me to it when i finally started working and they felt i didn't need the help anymore.

I still have regular contact with the doctor though im not reciving any medication or therepy anymore. Just at a point now where i have to get on with things.

Do your lads do scouts/cubs? Chav-breeders never send their kids to scouts/cubs so you may well have more in common with the parents there. Very cheap couple of hours of childcare, they'll take them away for the odd weekend even weeks holiday... they'll get to try out new stuff and meet a few male role models. Plus you could volunteer to help - and venture out a bit with the kids as protection. Or since you spend so much time doing fitness - kids sport group? Again self-selecting with regard to the type of parents involved.

sarymclary

Taye, we cross posted - you sound so much like me, and where I have been living for the past 3 years! I hated the place, and the neighbours more! They were loud, brash, crude, dreadful people, who made a bee-line for the village pub as soon as they finished work on Friday afternoon, rolling back for bedtime, back there for the next lunchtime, and so it continued until ending the weekend with a big bust up on Sunday night, and so the weekend would end.

I don't drink, or smoke, or scream my lungs out down the garden at the kids, or have a pregnant schoolchild, or think a white tracksuit is the height of fashion. I even had my children in schools 10 miles away, so they had no local friends (thankfully). I totally understand not wanting to mix with those on a social level far removed from what you're used to, or comfortable with. I was definitely different from them, and that seemed to p!ss them off! I have only just (last week) moved away, but like you, I grew up and had been used to a different way of life, and until my life imploded after my marriage, I'd had a good standard of living then too. There is nothing wrong with wanting better, and having higher standards, and greater expectations.

I also related to the part about not being able to relate to people at the mums and toddlers, or tumble tots, etc. I used to think I must be such a snob, or there was something wrong with me because I just found them all a bit thick, or uninteresting! Maybe it was me, but I wanted to chat about something other than babyfood, nappies & potty training, or the soap last night, and talk about what was going on in the world, politics, etc. It took several years until I finally 'clicked' with a couple of ladies, but I had to put myself in different situations to find them, and we've stayed friends since, despite moving away, or our personal situations changing.

I just wanted to let you know you're not on your own, and how you feel isn't necessarily that unusual. I think my youngest may be borderline dyspraxic, but the school he attends just think he's unable to concentrate, and is lazy. Frustrating huh?

Mutter_2

Taye, I understand completely about the neighbourhood, family centre etc.

You're right too, barnaby-bear regarding cubs etc. Though I hadn't thought till you said.

Taye

Mutter wrote: »

Taye, I understand completely about the neighbourhood, family centre etc.

You're right too, barnaby-bear regarding cubs etc. Though I hadn't thought till you said.

thanks, i always hate saying things like that out loud because i hate the way it makes me sound, im not a snob and i don't think im better than people ... but i just don't "get" some peoples view on life.

I just can't understand people who think it's ok to have a baby with the sole purpose of getting a bigger council house?? or why it's just fine to let there 12 year old drink and do drugs?? it totally baffles me.... it just makes me want to shake them and tell them to get thier act together for the sake of their kids.

Sorry i just can't relate.... if that makes me a snob then i guess thats what i am. I didn't grow up rich my mum was a single parent in a council house for years but i was always taught me you want something WORK FOR IT!!!