Please, please advise

nzmegs

My brother and his wife had the exact sme thing happen (water on the brain). They thankfully found out quite early and chose a termination. They had a funeral (of sorts) for the baby who they named and agree is part of their family.
Your friend must be sufferring terribly right now but all you can do is be there. I was very sad when this happened to my brother as I was pregnant at the time and went on to have a perfect child.
Incidentally they now have two healthy children with no further problems.

xmaslolly76

How awfull for both of you. My heart goes out to the poor woman facing this. The hospitals are less than helpfull it happened to a friend of mine who had to sit and dwell on it for a week before knowing for sure what was happening. She faced the worst Like Amani. You are being a wonderfull friend just by being there for her. I wouldnt try to force the issue on her yet if she has shut down for the time being let her be the flood gates will open once they know for sure what is going on after tuesday be it good or bad news.

tiamai_d

I would perhaps tell her mother that trying to get her to realise the worst case is not helpful. You don't want to know the worst case, unless it's from a doctor (even then you don't want to know). From your family you just want support.

newlysingle_2

Thank you for replying especially Amani. It must have been heart breaking for you. Thank you for sharing your experience. I am hoping after Tuesdays appointment the whole family will be offered alot more support than they have had at the moment. It helps to get other peoples views. Its so hard, I went round as soon as I found out, but she was acting so normal, I didn't understand the full extent until her mum told me the details. Her mum is so worried, as am I, I do understand her not wanting to think about it until she knows what she is dealing with. But I think thats why she conficts with her mum, her mum is a forward planner, but unfortunatley you can not plan everything. I keep thinking maybe I am the wrong person to confide in. It was only last night I realised how upset I was. But I can't cry, I can let out the odd tear, but not the gut wrenching sob I need to have. I know I need to stay strong for the family. My time to cry will come soon.

I cant help but get annoyed, when I think of all the drug addicts who continue to use while they are pregnant, who drink and smoke heavily through out, who have a healthly baby at the end. And she has never smoked, didn't drink eats healthily and something like this happens. She is one person I didn't expect this to happen to. She is such a nice girl, and would make a brilliant mum, whatever happens.

Sorry to go on, its just letting it out here is giving me more strength and determination to help her cope and make the desision that will be right for her and her precious baby. xx

amani_2

I also acted normal, because until all the tests are done you are just hoping and praying everything will be ok. When I found out the results this is when all the crying happened.

When i got pregnant again the doctor perscribed folic acid to take until I was 12 weeks. This is good for the developement of the baby's nervous system.

tiamai_d

I think you just like to pretend that everything is ok until the very last moment. It's also a way to say goodbye to the healthy baby you assumed you would have.

xmaslolly76

Unfortunately mother nature can be very cruel to the most deserving of people, Hopefully if the worst happens with a friend like you she will get through this and wont blame herself in anyway.

If i was you i wouldnt bottle it up either you can let it all out in private or let it out on here. Then you can stand strong for your friend when she needs you.

skintchick

ALl you can do is be there for her, and don;t assume if it's disabled she will want to terminate, because she may not and she will need people to be supportive of that and not shocked.

I have a friend whose wife, on thier fourth pregnancy, having miscarried three times, was told at the 20-week scan that their baby was severely disabled and might not live, or if it did, then it would only be for a day or so.

They found it so hard, and in the end his wife chose a termination against his wishes.

They found just talking it through was helpful - he talked to me cos he felt he couldn;t talk to his wife quite as openly because he wanted to be strong for her.

Just be a good shoulder for her no matter what she decides.

oystercatcher

skintchick wrote: »

ALl you can do is be there for her, and don;t assume if it's disabled she will want to terminate, because she may not and she will need people to be supportive of that and not shocked.

I have a friend whose wife, on thier fourth pregnancy, having miscarried three times, was told at the 20-week scan that their baby was severely disabled and might not live, or if it did, then it would only be for a day or so.

They found it so hard, and in the end his wife chose a termination against his wishes.

They found just talking it through was helpful - he talked to me cos he felt he couldn;t talk to his wife quite as openly because he wanted to be strong for her.

Just be a good shoulder for her no matter what she decides.

It is unusual but twice I have known women who have carried to term a baby who they knew would not survive, for them it was the right decision but there was quite a bit of opposition and amazement from everyone around them.

Another important thing is to remember that everyone grieves in different ways and this is normal and OK. It's far better to allow people to come to terms with this horrible situation in their own time and their own way.

Oystercatcher

Becles

I've been through similar with my third baby. At 30 weeks, I suddenly got much bigger than expected so I was sent for an extra scan. They discovered I had way too much amniotic fluid and they said there could be a number of things wrong with my baby.

I was sent for more specialised scans but again nothing was conclusive but they said there was a good chance of her having spina bifida or some degree of brain damage as there was a shadow on her brain and her head was too big. I was offered a termination which would have involved a injection then I'd have to deliver her. There is no way I could have done that so we decided to have her no matter what.

I was sent to another hospital who had more specialised equipment for futher brain scans on the baby, but by then she'd dropped into my pelvis and they couldn't get a clear picture of her brain. They did do a 4D scan as a freebie so I had pictures of her face, but they were sort of given to me in way to suggest if she didn't make it, at least I'd have pictures.

All through this I was in denial and I was convinced there was nothing wrong with her, and dismissed pretty much everything the medics told me.

I went into labour 4 weeks early and delivered a healthy baby girl who had no obvious problems. She had some tests and a brain scan, but they discovered there was nothing whatsoever wrong with her. They now think the shadow was the full head of hair she was born with, and she does have a slightly larger than normal head, but it just means she has to have a bigger size in hats! She's two now and her mental skills are fantastic so there's certainly nothing wrong with her.

Whatever happens you need to be with her and support her choices, even if she is in denial at the moment. She needs to deal with it in her own way and in her own time.

Hope all works out ok, and look after her xx