Please, please advise

newlysingle_2

As the title suggests I really need some advice, a close member of my family went for her 20 week scan yesterday. She has been told that she has a 1% chance of having a 'normal' baby. The baby's head is lemon shaped instead of being round, they also cant find where the spine ends. She is at the moment in denial. She has only told 3 people. She has asked me for support to keep her busy until she goes for a specialist scan on Tuesday. I have never been in this situation and feel like a fraud, I have 3 healthy children myself. Has anyone been in this situation, are there any help line she or her family can contact. Feel really upset at the hospital, she has been given no information and left to stew on this for 4 days. She is only 20. Any imput will be gratefully received. Many thanks. xx

tiamai_d

Just be there for her to talk to, rant at, cry on. No idea how it will turn out, but she will be going through a whole load of emotions. From mourning the loss of her expected, 'healthy child', to dealing with the anger and unfairness she will feel at being dealt this huge blow. As well as being in limbo until the birth, or loss of her baby.

Best wishes for her and baby, and you for being a good friend.

oystercatcher

http://www.arc-uk.org/

Above website. Antenatal choices and results offers lots of information.

Denial is a totally normal part of the grieving process.

As mentioned above the best you can do is to be there and listen. Don't offer opinions or advice just listen, hug, make tea, whatever necessary.

The hospital will offer counselling and probably more tests to confirm the problem so that the couple know as much as possible about what is happening and can make decisions based on this.

This will be a horrible time for you all but you will get through it.

love and hugs

Oystercatcher

newlysingle_2

That you both so much for taking the time to reply. I fully intend to be there for her, whatever happens. I am hoping she will open up on Mon, her mum suggested takin her to a local beauty spot and just going for a walk. I am trying so hard not to break down, I have to be strong for her, I can cry later. Its so hard, I have seen the scan picture today, and something doesn't look right, but hard to pin point what. I have forwarded the link to her mum, she doesn't even want to think about anything until Tuesday. Don't think i've prayed so much in years.

amani_2

Hi, I am so sorry to hear about your family member.
When I was in my twenties I had a scan at 20 weeks with my first baby I was told the same as your friend, the baby had a lemon shaped head. after further tests and scans I was told the baby had hydrocyphilus(sp?)(water on the brain) and spina bifida. It took 2 weeks for all the test to be completed I was in a right state, I think the tests would be a lot quicker now this was in 1990.

All you can do is be there for her.

AMANI XXX

newlysingle_2

Thank you for that, I feel like I am being torn, my cousin is in denial, her mum wants her to think worse case senario. I feel pleased that she has confided in me, and can trust me, but in a wierd way wish I didn't know. I know that makes me sound horrible- I feel it, but like they say ignorance is bliss. Need to get a grip and pull myself together now.

msb5262

Hello newlysingle,
Poor her and poor you. What a sad situation. You are very kind to offer her support and please, don't think you are horrible for wishing you didn't know - who would choose to know something like this? I can only say that the waiting is the worst part (I had an abnormal scan at 16 weeks but everything turned out to be fine by 20 weeks), at least it's only a short wait to find out what's going on. If you can, make time for yourself to feel what you're feeling - I bet you need a good cry.
You will be in my thoughts, as will your cousin.
Best wishes,
MsB

newlysingle_2

Thank you all so much for your kind comments, just hoping I will have some good advice for her for Monday. Gonna go bed now before I start the tears again. And again thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. xx

amani_2

actually when I read my post back it sounded a bit matter of fact, I did'nt mean it too, but when I read your post It just all flooded back. The consultants told me after all the tests that the problem was 4 fold and suggested a termination which I had. I had to go through labour and deliver the baby at 22weeks, the baby was dead it was a horrible experience. I had very good family support but the hospital never offered counselling but as I said this was back in the 90's.

AMANI XXX

msb5262

I'm so sorry for your loss, amani - you are brave to face the issue by sharing your experience on this thread.
All the best
MsB

amani_2

Hi msb5262, It has had some effect on my life and wish I had been offered counselling. I now have 4 healthy children 16yrs down to 2yrs