should i wait to set up supervised contact?

MrsTinks

Practical post - so if it's not filled with hugs and stuff don't think it's because I don't think you deserve them But I think you need some practical advice here too...

Firstly - go and get your injuries documented either at A&E or your GP. You need to get them officially recognised and documented otherwise as far as law is concerned it never happened...
This might sound harsh but you need to grab yourself by the scruff and get out of the house and start being pro-active instead of reactive to his whims and actions. Take some control back.
Contact the police, make sure you highlight the earlier informal complaint and that you want them to ensure this officer is not made aware of the new developments. Request a female officer - given the nature of the complaint that shouldn't be a problem.
Keep all messages from your ex - don't delete any texts or mails from him. You need to show them to the police and I would recommend you try to get a restraining order to stop him going within a certain distance of you. If he breaks it then given the violent history the police should treat any call from you regarding him as high priority due to the danger to your safety.

Sitting at home waiting for him with a baseball bat is not going to help you or your children. All you will do is further ingrain the fear in all of you that something bad is going to happen. You can't live if you live in fear all the time and neither can they... you need to look out the window - the sun is shining - and tackle this head on. It's a new day and a new beginning and you CAN stand up to him. The police WILL take you seriously - including your complaint about his friend. Don't let him control your life any more...

jetcat

i rang the GP this morning - who arranged for the female nurse to visit me at home. I am ok, just a bit sore - nappy changing is a challenge at the moment, as i can barely bend over.

We took some photos, and i have printed out all the emails and typed up the texts (kept them on phone as well). the nurse also rang womens aid for me (i was there, but struggle with phone) and got some good advice there (as well as from her, thanks :beer:)

I am going to go and see the original seargant i saw for my informal complaint - although he is male, and a bit scary he was really lovely, and told me to go back to him if there were any more problems, with either ex or policeman mate.

So, it is taking me a while, but i am trying to sort myself out - I havent said anything to eldest DD - and not sure if i will just yet tbh. Maybe if and when the time comes that he asks for contact, i will explain it to her then. I do feel though that i am copping out a little, as if he never asks for contact then i dont need to tell her. I am not sure she could cope with it all.

RAS

Well done for moving in the right direction.

Can you take someone with you when you see the sergeant? Maybe sis who must be worried out of her mind.

the sonner you see the sergeant the better as you will be visibly hurt.

jetcat

RAS wrote: »

Well done for moving in the right direction.

Can you take someone with you when you see the sergeant? Maybe sis who must be worried out of her mind.

the sonner you see the sergeant the better as you will be visibly hurt.

i am hoping that my carer will come with me (although she is on leave at the moment - i know she will want to come with me as she came to the original meetings.)

my sister is lives at the other end of the country to me, and tbh, i havent told her what has happened yet - i will, but dont feel ready to just yet.

RAS

When does your carer get back?

And I can understand how you feel about DS, hard enough coping with your own emotions without dealing with someone else's at a time like this.

But do tell her soon, as otherwise she will always worry that something has happened and you have not told her.

elona

Jetcat

Your DD is not daft - she must know you are hurt and in pain.

If she thinks you fell down the stairs then she is probably worried you will collapse at any moment and will be scared to let you out of her sight.

Good luck with going to see the sergeant and please show him the e mails.

Your ex is downight dangerous and someone needs to know.

Aylana

Jetcat,

I don't really have any practical advice but I just wanted to say that I know how hard it is to struggle with social anxiety problems. Something as simple as making a phonecall can be really difficult. You are doing fantastically though and it is wonderful that you are trying really hard for your daughters.

You have been given some great advice so far. Good luck seeing the sergeant when you go. Domestic violence is a big issue for the police at the moment, so he should take your complaint very seriously as they can't afford to have officers been seen to be supporting such behaviour!

It seems to me that your ex is more interested in regaining some sort of control over you than seeing his children. Them being emotionally safe and secure is more important than having a "father" in my opinion. I know that you will do whatever is best for them though either way.

Good luck hun.

Sharlee

I'm wondering how you got on?

Please do not allow any contact at this time. If you report this to the police, they may send an automatic referral to social services, but do not be worried about this, it is so that they can be assured that you are protecting your children. Your older DD is old enough to state what she wants and if she does not want to see him then it is unlikely that you would be court-ordered for this contact.

It sounds like the original sergeant has not taken any action. I would ask to speak to the detective inspector and talk about making an official complaint. But, do note that in my area at least, if you report a domestic incident to the police, they will take action whether you want that or not.

Please do post again.

Wishing you all the best,
Sharlee

jetcat

i have an appointment on Friday for a police officer to come and see me, and go through my options. If i am honest, i am an absolute wreck, as it is bringing up so many painful memories and i have no idea how i will manage this.

Eldest DD is still adamant she doesnt want to see her father, and for now, that is def my preferred option, so i am not pushing her. I have a nagging feeling though that my ex will try for contact, as depsite being apart for so many years, he still tries to control my life. There is no way that either DD is going to see their dad without some form of supervision though.

At the moment, i just feel like running away from it all - i think i was quite low before all this happened, and now its like the icing on the cake. Sorry, i was determined this wasnt going to be another 'poor me' post - but i dont honestly know what to say. Even typing out 'I am fine, and getting there' seems impossible!

lynzpower

jetcat wrote: »

i have an appointment on Friday for a police officer to come and see me, and go through my options. If i am honest, i am an absolute wreck, as it is bringing up so many painful memories and i have no idea how i will manage this.

Eldest DD is still adamant she doesnt want to see her father, and for now, that is def my preferred option, so i am not pushing her. I have a nagging feeling though that my ex will try for contact, as depsite being apart for so many years, he still tries to control my life. There is no way that either DD is going to see their dad without some form of supervision though.

At the moment, i just feel like running away from it all - i think i was quite low before all this happened, and now its like the icing on the cake. Sorry, i was determined this wasnt going to be another 'poor me' post - but i dont honestly know what to say. Even typing out 'I am fine, and getting there' seems impossible!

The points Ive highlighted show me tihs is not a "poor me" post.

You have been through an ordeal, and are naturally quite shaken.

However, I felt the need to highlight the very positive things you are doing to move things forward- away from the old life and into the new safer happier one you will all have with persistence. Of course it wont be easy, but although you may not feel fine you are "getting there"

Keep us posted and chin up ,we are all behind you x