should i wait to set up supervised contact?

whmn

Hi Jetcat,

I know where you are. I've been there. I am just coming out the other end. I won't go into it now but trust me I know.

You CAN get through this and come out the other end too - alive - and sane. And with your children- happy.

You have to be STRONG. You have to stay STRONG. You are a GOOD, KIND, PERSON & A DECENT CARING MOTHER. The fact that these things are happening are NOT YOUR FAULT, though I expect you feel they are....YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME HERE SO STOP THINKING THAT WAY. YOU ARE NOW FIGHTING FOR YOUR FREEDOM, HEALTH, PEACE, HAPPINESS AND THAT OF YOUR CHILDREN'S ALSO. YOU ARE DOING YOUR BEST TO PROTECT THEM.

This is not about being nice to him. You can be nice to other people. That is where PEACE and LOVE lie. The only path to Peace & Love & FREEDOM for yourself and your children is through a ZERO TOLERANCE APPROACH with this man. YOU HAVE TO GET TOUGH. IT IS THE ONLY LANGUAGE THESE MEN UNDERSTAND. ZERO TOLERANCE. THAT MEANS ACCEPTING NO Bullsh+t WHATSOEVER. If this is not you at the moment, or you don't feel it is you naturally, don't worry. You have to get HARDER - but only with this man. That won't make you a worse person. You are allowing the cycle of abuse to continue if you don't & it will never end then. Only get worse. Believe me. You are doing this for your daughters. Find the MENTAL STRENGTH THERE.

I found this out the hard way after years of escalating abuse, multiple count GBH and permanent injury. The police told me years before the GBH that I would end up in a pool of blood. I didn't believe them then....

It will make you STRONGER if you say to yourself that you are doing this for YOUR CHILDREN. There you will find an amazing source of strength that you need right now. It is inside you - whether you believe it or not - it is. Because you are a mother and it is a natural instinct to protect them- even if you feel you aren't strong enough to protect yourself. Other sources of STRENGTH - FRIENDS - we're here....(they can be men aswell as women - not all men are like this) - but don't underestimate that power - and Family - though that can also sometimes be problematic - though they can be a great source of PRACTICAL SUPPORT - like your sister offering to help with your children. My advice is to accept her offer of help. She wants to help you. Let her. You need time out from looking after the kids too, so you get a chance to think straight and explore avenues to freedom. You cannot do this alone. You do not have to. NO (WO)MAN IS AN ISLAND. It's easy to just feel like you don't want to see anyone - and you need time to heal - but trust me, you need a few good friends you can talk to - only when you want to, who'll listen....
Don't bury your head in the sand. If you do, this will not go away. You have to face it head on. Running away is not the answer either.

If there is one practical thing you do to help, read the book - The Freedom Program by Pat Craven. The police gave it to me after spending 5 working days with them making a statement regarding the history of abuse from when I met my ex.

(This site won't allow me to post links !!!! but do a websearch for
freedomprogramme (.co.uk)


and one for

hiddenhurt (.co.uk) - abuser - dominator


For me reading this book was a revelation. It made sense of years of abuse & why I found myself in the position I was in.... and has given me the mental tools to understand and not fall for any more !!!!!!!!..... To understand the years of mental (and physical) control exercised over me by my ex husband and father to my daughters (I have two of them also) ....and how I allowed it to continue.....

I promise you this book will help you.
That's all for now - more than enough - good luck.

And keep smiling. (Even if you have to force it at first!)
It releases natural chemicals to the brain which in turn make you happy....

zztopgirl

Thanks so much for posting about this book, ive just ordered it, just read the chapter on the website and its brilliant.

Heres the links again. Only wish that my ex would be able to do that course and stop trying to abuse me through our daughter.

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/freedomprogramme/index.cfm

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/

wannabe_sybil

zztopgirl - I would be interested about how you find the book, as it does sound interesting. However whmn has only posted once, to promote this book. It may be that someone has posted under an ae because they felt uncomfortable, and it does sound a remarkable book, but it did make me a little wary. However, if you find you could recommend it please could you pm me.

Many thanks, and sorry, OP, for taking this off topic. I hope things are working out for you.

RAS

jetcat wrote: »

hi again, and sorry i havent posted in a while. Keep logging on but the words dont come.

Jetcat

Thank you for posting. Please never apologies on here. You do not owe us anything, but we are here if you want us.

jetcat wrote: »

Sorry, i guess the floodgates have opened!

And to the offers of chats via pm's, please dont be offended if i haven't pm'ed you - my social anxiety has kicked in big time, and i am struggling with it all - but the offers were very muchly appreciated x

Knowing how you feel if it is OK, I will just keep posting the occasional little message of support. Do not reply as that is not required.

Just want you to know that people do care for you, even if we have never met.

Diamond78

Im so sorry to hear what you have been going through. I have been in a similar situation with the father of my son. Although I split up with him when I was pregnant, he still tormented me and abused me both pysically and mentally. I was in and out of womens refuges and hostels. It took me a good few years to pull myself together as I was very afraid of him.
Due to not having my own family, I guess it was easy for him to bully me. I only have my brother here in London and my mum lives abroad so all the stuff i went through caused my depressin to come back and get worse.

To cut the story short, my ex was always violent and aggresive in front of my son who was a toddler at the time. I am quite petite and smalled framed and my ex is huge. A typical Millwall hooligan. Even though I moved around, he always found me as he would make me feel bad and guilty so I would meet up near where he lived so he could see my son. Somehow he would follow me, until I clocked on what he was doing. But when he had a girlfriend, or it was xmas or coming up to my sons birthday, he would vanish. I always use to tell him it wasnt right that he was in my sons life when it suited him, Id rather he had supervised visits but he always refused.

I was terrified of him, still am but now Im a lot stronger. Anyway, for years he did this and it was not good for my son, seeing him a few times a year. It was not right and messing up my sons head. I gave this man one final chance to be a father to my son as no one wishes for their child to grow up without a father as i did and it did affect me in a bad way.

Last year in march was the last time my son saw this thing, he cant be called a man coz a man should NEVER hit a woman, he is just a thing!!! My son was 6 then, so old enough to know and understand. But again, he flipped, he didnt hit me this time but again threatened me and swore at my son. I told this spermdonor that in future to never call me and if my son wanted to speak to him, my son would call. Him swearing at my son and making him scared like that really messed up my son and he had to have some counselling. I blame myself partly as If i had stopped contact, then I would of been the worse mum ever. But i thought I was doing the right thing, I was very vunrable, depressed and so scared of him.

I stuch to my guns this time, so when my son said i want to speak to my dad last september, I allowed him to call him. But my ex never called my son back even though my son left him a voicemail. Next month my son called again, again this thing did not call my son back. I lied to my son saying his dad had probaly gone away for a while. When my son would ask me why his dad was the way he was, I told him he was ill.
Yes I know I should of never allowed access but when people call you names for not letting a violent man see his child, you think you are in the wrong.

When I look back now, I know I trid and my son knows he tried. As my sons mother, it is my duty to protect my son. He has always been violent in front of my son and it was not right for my son to witness the sick stuff he did.

This year I applied to the CSA which I now fully regret. Over a year has passed and my son has not had a relpy from this spermdonor. But 2 weeks ago, he left a voicemail message on my phone, stating that now i had gone CSA, he wanted to see my son. I asked my son if he wanted to see his dad, I did not tell my son he phoned me as I do not want to get his hopes up as when there has been contact, he sees my son for a while and when he knows I wont get back with him, he gets nasty and abusive.
My son at this time does not want contact with his dad. The man is not a dad and has never behaved like a dad. I know oneday my son will want to see his dad, he is a boy and aged 7, all boys want to know a male figure, a man they can call dad.

I went to see a solicitor a few weeks back after the message was left and basically, I do not have to let my son see his dad. Im not stooping contact but i am protecting my son. I will only allow supervised contact in a conatct centre as many times my ex has threatened to kill me and take my son away.

Im not risking anything for anyone. My son is my life and he is only just started getting settled and feeling secure. saying that, my ex has found where I live as a month ago he walked straight pass my house. Yes im scared but not as scared as I use to be.

Please what ever you do, protect yourself. Your kids needs you. God forbid he hits you and you bang your head, I cannot imaginge what can happen. Its a known fact that big grown up men die from one punch by hitting their heads on the ground.

If you need any info or want to chat please feel free to contact me, big hugs to you.
PS: that police officer should be struck off, i know your scared but if you show your scared, you will be bullied more and you will end up getting really ill with depression, dont end up like how i did. Im a lot better than hw I use to be but i still have a long way to go.
xxxxx

zztopgirl

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

zztopgirl - I would be interested about how you find the book, as it does sound interesting. However whmn has only posted once, to promote this book. It may be that someone has posted under an ae because they felt uncomfortable, and it does sound a remarkable book, but it did make me a little wary. However, if you find you could recommend it please could you pm me.

Many thanks, and sorry, OP, for taking this off topic. I hope things are working out for you.

This is the book on amazon, but you can access a chapter on the website http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0955882702?ie=UTF8&!!!!!freedprogr-21&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=6738&creativeASIN=0955882702

I ordered it from amazon so hope it comes asap.

jetcat

thanks so much for all the kind thoughts, and diamond - am so sorry you are in a similar situation. I will pm, i promise, when i feel a bit stronger - i just wanted to post a reply as it means a lot you posting your story here.
x

Sharlee

Diamond78 wrote: »

I went to see a solicitor a few weeks back after the message was left and basically, I do not have to let my son see his dad. Im not stooping contact but i am protecting my son. I will only allow supervised contact in a conatct centre as many times my ex has threatened to kill me and take my son away. (This is serious, please contact the National Helpline or Women's Aid)

Im not risking anything for anyone. My son is my life and he is only just started getting settled and feeling secure. saying that, my ex has found where I live as a month ago he walked straight pass my house. Yes im scared but not as scared as I use to be.

If he has found out where you are living now, contact your local police Community Safety Unit or Domestic Violence officer. You may be able to have a panic alarm fitted, or your home strengthened, or have 'treat all calls as urgent' put on your address.

You sound like you have come a long way so well done. There also may be support groups in your area for yourself and your son, social services would have details of these.

Got to dash now but please pm me if you want any further info.

Regards
Sharlee

pinkfizz77

Nothing useful to add I'm afraid, just wanted to say how brave you are and how much strength you are showing. You might not feel either but you really are! Concentrate on you and your kids and what is right for YOU. You are obviously a great mum who cares deeply about her kids and you can get a great deal of inner strength from the knowledge that all you are doing is for THEM!
Don't ever feel you have to apologise for posting (or not), you have shown so much guts by posting in the first place.
You have a lot of support on here, make the most of it please. You're absolutely welcome to pm me if it would help, I may not know you but I do understand how helpful it is just to offload sometimes and know exactly how it feels to be scared and worried.
Keep going and get those barstewards seen for what they really are, cowardly bullies with no decency, morals or heart, all of which you have in abundance.
Stay strong hun

whmn

wannabee sybil - just looking up supervised contact centres on the web & stumbled across this site...... so hidden it's unbelievable - but I remember when I lived in the same house as my ex with him breathing over my shoulder & questioning every move I made & the fear of him finding out anything that you'd "done wrong" - so I kept it all in for years.....
I am divorced from my ex husband - over 3 years ago I separated after 10 years of every sort of abuse - which escalated in the cyclical spiral - got worse & worse more & more extreme. Made the stupid mistake of believing him after the separation that he would change, do "respect" courses, anger management etc., made me feel so guilty about leaving him, splitting up the family, I was Roman Catholic so divorce had been an absolute no for too long in my mind, until I realised I was only going to die or be killed by him if I stayed with him. However, I took him back (I even had an injunction in place by this time) and 6 weeks later he hospitalised me - multiple GBH - smashed kneecap, 3 broken ligaments supporting the knee, leg broken in two places, in hospital & recovery months. I am lucky I can walk again. I cannot run & I cannot do a lot of things I used to do as I was very sporty. Also before the "accident" I managed the stress of being with him with exercise. However, now I cycle - do Pilates, walk - always have to manage the injury - but it helps with the stress still too. I knew in hospital he would kill me if I ever reconciled with him - then the children would not even have a mother at all. Luckily there was a witness to the "accident" as he calls it. So because of that, whilst I was still in hospital he admitted guilty to GBH multiple count - without intent! (which is a joke) He was only given a 12 month non- custodial sentence - which means he wasn't put in prison and the fine he had to pay was less than £100. Unbelievable.
He has been harassing me still for the last 3 years in various ways. I had hoped that post divorce he would move on & get a life & leave me alone but it hasn't happened. Last December my (now) fiancee dragged me into the police station & things have happened from there. It's strange to say it but for 3 years my ex has had alternate weekend contact with my daughters - they are now 8 & 10. Because the violence had only been targetted at me (and not my daughters) during the marriage, my solicitor had advised me that if I were to go to court over them a judge would award him alternate weekend access anyway, and I had to save costs as the ex was trying to make it financially impossible for me to divorce him, so I would have to come back to him. I had savings so I was lucky (as I had joint assets with the ex I was not able to get legal aid and obviously couldn't touch them) I had these to use to see me through the divorce & financial settlement. So it's hard to explain, but what has happened is that over the last autumn all my instincts as a mother were telling me my children were less & less safe with the man. They would come home upset, distressed. Then they started saying they were scared of him. Didn't want to see him. One friday he was due to have the girls, I received an email from him (by this stage I had been given police advice to only communicate with him by email - so there was a full written record of it - with regards to the practicalities of the children) that he had walked into the local police station and accused me of harassment! I had only sent him 3 emails in the last 6 weeks - all to do with the children, (school uniform, french lessons, health). I knew he was in the mood for a fight so I could only do 1 thing and that was to get the girls out of school early and not let him have them for the weekend as I was so concerned about their safety. I explained to the head & got home with the girls and shut /locked the doors & windows - phone with 999 in my hand. The police called and said that he had walked into the station and said I had now abducted the girls! I explained to the police what was going on - his history was on their system - so they told me to sit tight in the house and call 999 if he turned up. Then they told him that without a court order they couldn't do anything. So he then started threatening me with court in the weeks after that. Basically it got to the stage where the police told me that I should go into hiding for christmas with the girls. They fitted an alarm linked directly to the station. I had to come out of hiding to deal with an emergency application to court he had lodged and the legal side of things. In hiding Ididn't have access to the computer. And I felt awful - actually really angry that I had had to run away from him again - 3 years after the GBH - 2 yrs since divorce. Why should all our lives be ruined and disrupted again by such a persistent @@@@ who just lived off terrorising us? Running away is not the answer. Plus in hiding, I was told not to tell friends or family where I was. That is no life. The girls had flu. I had to get antibiotics (my eldest daughter has a serious ear conditon too which I have to manage) from the local GP saying that I had no "fixed abode" for fear of him tracking me down (he's used private investigators in the past). I felt like a tramp then on top of everything else. It was a terrible time. So in January I returned to court, he came out with no access as I told the judge they were telling me they were scared of him & didn't want to see him and I had been offered police refuge and had to go into hiding over christmas. I also got another injunction. The last one had expired a year after the GBH and in hindsight it should have just carried on - without it in place the ex became so much more problematic. A cafcass officer was assigned to the case in jan - with a return to court after that. she came & interviewed me and the girls (and him too). I was told that was the best outcome for the first hearing. However, she spent hours with the ex & he lied to her about so many things, denied it was a marriage of abuse - just a one off accident, told her that my relationship with the female pc dealing with the statement I gave in jan was biased in my favour. This cafcass officer was so rushed. Kept complaining about enormous amount of case loads dealing with London & another county where I live, the girls told her that they didn't want to see him because of what he did to me, and they are worried he might break their knees or legs too. I then was called in and it totally threw me that the ex had denied anything about the abuse. I was then forced to recount it all which was very difficult and traumatic. (I have been dealing with the trauma by simply trying to move on with my life and get a new life! I think regurgitating it all the time isn't the ultimate answer - even here on this site - it's hard (and I don't think healthy) to always be talking about it. Anyway, the cafcass officer's report criticised me for telling the girls how the injury happened and they were only scared of him because of that!. I had on domestic violence councellors advice told the girls the truth - that daddy had done it. I had thought long & hard about this before I did it. I had originally blamed it on the dog. Then as other mothers at the school knew how it happened, I thought I didn't want the girls to find out about it in the playground. Also I couldn't lie to them for years & years. I didn't want them to grow up with a lie. I didn't want them to resent me for that. Anyway, the cafcass officer's report has criticised me for telling them the TRUTH! Accusing me of damaging them because of it! Saying that if I am traumatised (I know I have had post traumatic stress and have found ways to cope with it which work for me), then that puts a massive question mark over my concerns over the girls! Because he had access to them for 3 years and didn't "hurt" them then - even though I have well documented records of how he hurt them emotionally for a long time. The thing is I know now that he has lost all other forms of control over me. All my instincts were telling me he was turning to the children to use them as a form of control and as the girls were getting older and gaining in confidence they were starting to stand up to him to (but this I knew was putting them in danger - in the line of fire) Because I am getting remarried, he has in effect lost me. I am through the divorce financially. The children are the only things left to use to control me still. He was using them more and more last Autumn. I knew they were in danger because of various things that were happening and the way he was behaving, although he hadn't actually HIT THEM YET. My solicitors advice was still that until he hit them or hurt them, I couldn't do anything!!! I had evidence that he directed his anger at third parties - not just me though. Now the cafcass officer has reported that I am to have a psychiatric report to see if I have post traumatic stress, him to have one to see if he is a risk to the girls and the girls to have supervised contact until a trial - however, there is no way I can afford the cost of a trial....this is thousands of pounds!!! Unbelievable. The cafcass officer has told my solicitor that even if a report says that he is "more than capable of harming the children " she will say that he should be given unsupervised access as before!!!!! She has been totally taken in and won over by his charm. He lied to her through and through during his interview about me. He is such a real Jekyll and Hyde. (I fell for his charm myself many times so I know how persuasive he can be_) I truly cannot believe the injustice of this now. I have been advised by my solicitor to settle. (This is shocking as the children are not pawns - how can you do a deal with children where so much is at stake!!!) This has to be one of the most harrowing experiences of my life. So here I am on the web looking up supervised contact centres, then supported centres, then I have to allow him to take the girls out of the centres by himself, then he has them for a full day, then overnight again......this is what I am now facing......unbelievable.
I am going to ask that the cafcass officer be removed from the case. She has now accused to other sets of professionals of being wrong and the police being biased. That is not right. She has not understood the situation. I don't know how she thinks that mothers can afford the court costs when these ex's don't pay a penny - or the absolute minimum - towards the children....and make it as hard as possible for "their" women to pick themselves up again...... She also has no idea of how hard it is for traumatised women to get to the stage of facing up to men like this in court - how strong you have to be for that! This is why the injustice continues..... these men remain strong - and the women so weak and in fear ..... Because we are so weak and fearful after years of abuse, we know their capabilities, this is why outcomes like this happen.

We all have to fight back and help & support each other and do what's right for our children and ourselves. We have to pass on the knoweledge that we learn on the way so other women like us can use it. I have learnt so much now from my experiences - this is why I am passing on the knoweledge of the book re the freedom programme. That's all. I wish someone had told me about it years before. It would have armed me with such powerful knowledge of the situation - a situation I had not been able to make sense of for years..... I thought it was all in my head, my ex made me feel as if the problem was all me, that I was imagining it....

One other tip before I forget - any injuries - go to police or GP - will always be in confidence - everytime. Years later, you may be trying to persuade professionals that these things really happened and it's a damn sight harder when you've kept it all in and haven't told a soul, for fear of the repurcussions from him should he find out. Luckily - thank god - I had police reports in my favour......

All is not lost, I have highlighted my concerns about the girls and it is all documented on file now and in the courts. If the girls so much as return from any contact with him and say again they are scared or don't want to see him, I can just get (hopefully another) cafcass officer in to hear them and will stop all contact again. Then I will just say the same thing to the judge. As my solicitor told me - this time - now my concerns have been expressed to the courts and the right people, the ex will be committing "legal suicide" if he says or does anything to them which upsets them or they come home with so much as a scratch on them.

Remember - we are strongest together. We have to stay strong. We have to stay standing. The more voices highlighting this to the world the better. Let's fight this - for all the women - and their children - in the world. We have to be strong - for the sake of love and peace. Pass this on for all the women in the world xxxx