should i wait to set up supervised contact?

jetcat

hi all

i know i have mentioned trying to sort this out on previous threads, but please forgive me, my head is a bit all over the place at the moment.

Basically my ex has been a complete pain over contact and maintenance regarding our DD's (2). Things got really bad about 6 weeks ago, and basically i stopped all contact, informing him in writing that he should take legal advice if he wanted to have contact again.

Fast forward to now - he is not happy that DD's have not been up for Easter (despite him not actually having any contact with me to let me know this) - and i am left with a few injuries as a result.

Guess this is the wake up call i needed - he was violent in the past which is why i left him, but i never thought it would happen again.

SO, after my ramblings (sorry!) i am thinking that i would be happy if my girls never saw him again, but i know that there will be a time when they will want to see him. Should i set something up now regarding supervised contact, or should i leave things as is - ie. said he needs to make the first move?

hamstercheeks_2

jetcat wrote: »

hi all

i know i have mentioned trying to sort this out on previous threads, but please forgive me, my head is a bit all over the place at the moment.

Basically my ex has been a complete pain over contact and maintenance regarding our DD's (2). Things got really bad about 6 weeks ago, and basically i stopped all contact, informing him in writing that he should take legal advice if he wanted to have contact again.

Fast forward to now - he is not happy that DD's have not been up for Easter (despite him not actually having any contact with me to let me know this) - and i am left with a few injuries as a result.

Guess this is the wake up call i needed - he was violent in the past which is why i left him, but i never thought it would happen again.

SO, after my ramblings (sorry!) i am thinking that i would be happy if my girls never saw him again, but i know that there will be a time when they will want to see him. Should i set something up now regarding supervised contact, or should i leave things as is - ie. said he needs to make the first move?

i think it is so thoughtful of you to even consider this after what you have been through

there's too many folks out there think of themselves and NOT what the children want

McKneff

Good for you for thinking this way and putting your childrens needs first.
too many parents are spiteful and use their children as pawns when a split happens.

I would maybe make the first move and offer him supervised contact and if he kicks off let him stew in it then and then wait for him to make a move.

jetcat

hamstercheeks wrote: »

i think it is so thoughtful of you to even consider this after what you have been through

there's too many folks out there think of themselves and NOT what the children want

thanks hamstercheeks. I am trying to put them first, but am so confused. I just feel so bad - physically and emotionally. If ever there was a time when i felt like giving up, now would be that time.

jetcat

anniehanlon wrote: »

Good for you for thinking this way and putting your childrens needs first.
too many parents are spiteful and use their children as pawns when a split happens.

I would maybe make the first move and offer him supervised contact and if he kicks off let him stew in it then and then wait for him to make a move.

thanks annie - though thats where we are kind of at at the moment. I did tell him that contact would have to be supervised (as eldest DD is scared of him when he loses his temper - which happens almost every hour) and he has kicked off - which is why i am now sitting here with a baseball bat incase he comes back.

I struggle with going out/talking to people, and now that seems even more impossible. I am terrified of going back to the police, as ex's best mate is a policeman, and although i have offically complained about him in the past, i know he still gets very involved in the situation between me and ex. I know that if he found out i had contacted the police, he would tell ex, ex would come back here............

zztopgirl

G-d I hope you got the police out on him, make sure you have enough evidence as possible. If you do have to contact him, do so via letter, email or text message only. Get legal advice if you can too.

I offered the olive branch to my ex despite him walking out on me in front of our dd, being verbally abusive whenever I tried to sort contact out, and he didnt contact me/was uncontactable for several months. Now he has launched proceedings for joint custody and is making out that I have withheld contact, but unfortunately for him, I sent him several emails begging him to see his dd, which he ignored. Its no good trying to tar all women with the same brush as being vindictive b****es who withhold contact, I drove everyone around me crazy by wanting him to see his dd.

Just dont give up, be the better person, somedays I feel like packing it all in but I will fight to the end to prove that he is the vindictive party here. Btw, he hardly ever bothers to attend contact sessions, yet gets extra sessions to make up for those he misses and nobody gives a toss that I have to deal with the upset little girl who wonders why her daddy cant come to see her.

zztopgirl

I just spoke to oh about the police matter, he says that he should be suspended. Easier said than done I suppose, although im disgusted that people can cover up for abusers in this way. Oh also said that if you live in a town with a neighbouring police force, go to that branch and explain the situation.

I really dont know what else to suggest though but first thing is contact womens aid for advice.

llh189

Can we please not forget that you have been assulted this is your priority to sort out - I would think very carefully about contacting the police, if nothing but to log the crime.

His relationship with you and his relationship with the children need to be tackled differently, I would contact your local social services / family centre and start the ball rolling for supervised visits, he is entitled to see his children, unless of course he is a risk to them too.

Try to keep your chin, I can't imagine how terrible things are for you right now - is there a friend or family member that could stay with you for a couple of days.

Please think very carefully about contacting the police, he has no right whatsoever to physically hurt you, he has committed a crime regardless of his relationship with you.

c_l_a_i_r_e

You should think of yourself first right now before worrying about contact, which can be resolved down the line. Please do not sit in fear worrying about him coming back. You can apply to the court for a non molestation order which will prevent your ex from harming/harassing you, or coming near your property. Also report this latest assault to the police if you have not already done so. Do not be put off because his friend is a police officer, if this man is getting involved it is extremely unprofessional and his employers should be made aware of it. Go and see a solicitor asap, i really hope things will work out for you.

jetcat

thanks guys - i'm sitting crying now! Am so sorry for offloading on the forum, but i dont know what else to do. It is such a struggle to use the phone and chat to my mates at the best of times without me thinking i am bothering them too much (i have depression, social phobia etc) and now it seems like i cant ring them as i wouldnt be able to cope if they said they wanted to come over.

I have had really bad experiences with the police in the past (a long time ago though) which made complaining about ex's mate even harder - basically he was reporting back to ex where i was, what i was doing, sitting in the police van at the end of my street a lot of the time. I went with my carer and we spoke with his seargant, who said that it would be looked into. I was then told that he was off work for a while on the sick

I feel like such a failure - ex only knows where we live as he emotionally blackmailed it out of DD1 - i knew he would try something like that so i had prewarned her that if he asks outright, she is just to tell him as i am not having her lie to him, as lying is wrong. Yet here i am lying to my own kids, as it is blatantly obviously i have been hurt - yet i told them i fell down the stairs.

I hate him for making me feel like such a victim again!

ps. sorry for the lack of proper grammer/punctuation etc - i cant think straight

hamstercheeks_2

jetcat wrote: »

thanks guys - i'm sitting crying now! Am so sorry for offloading on the forum, but i dont know what else to do. It is such a struggle to use the phone and chat to my mates at the best of times without me thinking i am bothering them too much (i have depression, social phobia etc) and now it seems like i cant ring them as i wouldnt be able to cope if they said they wanted to come over.

I have had really bad experiences with the police in the past (a long time ago though) which made complaining about ex's mate even harder - basically he was reporting back to ex where i was, what i was doing, sitting in the police van at the end of my street a lot of the time. I went with my carer and we spoke with his seargant, who said that it would be looked into. I was then told that he was off work for a while on the sick

I feel like such a failure - ex only knows where we live as he emotionally blackmailed it out of DD1 - i knew he would try something like that so i had prewarned her that if he asks outright, she is just to tell him as i am not having her lie to him, as lying is wrong. Yet here i am lying to my own kids, as it is blatantly obviously i have been hurt - yet i told them i fell down the stairs.

I hate him for making me feel like such a victim again!

ps. sorry for the lack of proper grammer/punctuation etc - i cant think straight

jetcat you really need to talk to somebody about this,it's not doing you or your kids any good being isolated.

please call one of your friends. Trust me they willbe glad to hear from you