Sibling issues

melancholly

is there a chance he's just caught up with a new baby, not getting any sleep and is in that place of fear of looking after a tiny little person?! he may not even think of texting/ringing because they are both overwhelmed.

Bex45

Men are definitely different to women when it comes to keeping in touch! But maybe his partner might be influencing the situation? Some OHs can be quite strange - even jealous - when it comes to their husband/wife having close contact with their own families. It happened to us with my OH's sister - her husband did everything he could NOT to be part of the extended family, and to isolate her from the rest of us, too. Very sad.

MrsTinks

DH has minimal contact with his very small family so I can kind of understand... But he gets really wound up when he DOES speak to them after bailing them out of trouble so many times he's just fed up with them.
Personally I keep in touch with my half brother and my half sister but it's sporadic - we've never felt the need to speak weekly or even monthly... ditto my parents...
We all have our own lives and are quite content that way. However if anything EVER happened we'd all be there in a flash! My stepdad had a bit of a breakdown a few years ago and we all turned up on the first available mode of transport (very expensive flight in my case :eek:) and we all know if something happens everyone is there for us (well... maybe not my step siblings... but then that's absolutely fine by me!)

With less than 6 weeks to to before my first is due I can sort of understand the stress he might be going through... And there could be complications which means everything other than the baby and his OH is frankly just not registering on the radar... heck the phone could have died, he could be out of credit or he may have changed numbers... Try calling him and say it's just that you were worried that everything was ok as he hadn't replied... doesn't have to be a long call - tell him to get back to you when he has time - but you were just a bit worried

mountainlioness

Hi there - thought I'd just offer a slightly alternative perspective. May not be relevant to your situation butsometimes it helps to think about things from a different angle... Apologies for the long post!!!

My DH's family are close (he lived with them til he met me) and they would expect to talk every week - the phone has to be passed round everyone - and see each other regularly. His parents don't work, which probably raises expectations a bit as they don't have any commitments really, but they are generally a 'high contact' family. It's not necessarily high quality contact as they often just watch TV but they would ideally like a very regular visit.

My family on the other hand is very different (very like MrsTine's by the sound of it!). We don't tend to do too much random chats but will plan visits in (both my parents have demanding jobs so it is a bit diary-driven!) and try to arrange nice things to do when we do see each other. It's always nice to catch up but there aren't really any strong expectations of frequency, or any upset caused if there's no reply etc. I'd say we're just as close, but it's expressed differently.

Of course, everyone is used to their own family set-up. When you get married or whatever you have to adapt to another family's way of doing things. But I admit I find his family's expectations to be an additional pressure sometimes. I know it's just a different way of doing things as that they care but it can be a bit hard sometimes. Pressure is probably the best word for it.

You're talking about your brother so it is a different situation but just to say that people differ in terms of how much contact they're comfortable with, and how and when they prefer to make that contact... If pressed to behave in a way others expect, they may react against it, not consciously but almost instinctively... I know I do, and I don't like it in myself particularly, but it's hard not to want to resist their demands, because that's what it feels like! It may not be 'fair' but it does sometimes feel like that. I don't suppose they think about it from my side, just like I don't from theirs - and then you get the problems!:o

Once you're an adult, you manage your relationships with family members differently - I know I have very different relationships with my mum, dad and sister and have contact with them different amounts. I guess it's just something that gets 'negotiated' over time.

I'm not sure I'd advise pressing him for a response... Maybe send a card but let him get back to you in his own time. He's got a lot on his plate and if he is feeling the pressure to respond in a particular way and time, it probably won't help, however well-intentioned and understandable your concern is. Knowing a family member or friend is there when you need them is worth its weight - am sure he appreciates you and will be in touch when he's ready.

Claire3121

silvercar wrote: »

When my and OHs siblings had babies, we visited them at the earliest opportunity. Also 200 miles away, but we made the effort because we wanted to see the babies. A text is not really enough. You can't sit at home and moan that you want to be part of their lives. No-one with a new born can be expected to make a journey like that, so you have to be the one that moves yourself.

Where in my post did I say I expected him to drive down to me?
All I was after was a phonecall(which my mum said would happen the evening of the baby being born) and never happened. A quick text would have been better than nothing,esp if they're busy....it only takes 2 mins to text if he's not up to a big phonecall.

floss2

I wonder if they are a bit overwhelmed with everything, have suddenly realised that they are on one income with bills to pay & are struggling a bit, and have a baby to care for. That in itself can be exhausting, without any further worries.

Why not write to him and suggest he calls you at a certain time from his in-laws then you can call him straight back? Or what about email? Do they have internet access? The no-landline issue may be down to cost, as it is not cheap to have a line installed.

Claire3121

floss2 wrote: »

I wonder if they are a bit overwhelmed with everything, have suddenly realised that they are on one income with bills to pay & are struggling a bit, and have a baby to care for. That in itself can be exhausting, without any further worries.

Why not write to him and suggest he calls you at a certain time from his in-laws then you can call him straight back? Or what about email? Do they have internet access? The no-landline issue may be down to cost, as it is not cheap to have a line installed.

I'm going to do this. Thank you. Yeah I remember what it was like having a new baby to care for etc
They dont have a computer,Sis in law had axcess to one at work but ob isnt working at the mo.

Claire3121

Update-
they came down on friday,so we went to see them yesterday(they're staying at my parents). Spent a fortune in baby gap and barely got a "thank you" which hurt a bit. Felt a bit of atmosphere too,which also felt awkward. Found out they had sent everyone home made birth announcement cards with a photo in the post,and I never recieved one.
Luckily we had a prior engagement yesterday so couldnt stay long,which im kind of relieved about. Isn't that an awful thing to say?

patchwork_cat

Perhaps your brother has heard on the grapevine that you are fed up with him not getting in touch and is peed off. My FIL insisted on coming to see my DS after he was born. He demanded . I was only in hospital 12 hours afterwards and we had no help, but he arrived with SIL, stepMIL and GrandpaIL next day and no sign of help and then complained that we forgot to offer him a cup of tea. I nearly passed out at one point as they had taken all the chairs and I had to stand!

Sorry, but after a baby family has to help and not demand. If you visit - take a shepherd's pie as they probably haven't eaten, put a wash on. Yes your brother should have replied, but some don't.

Claire3121

patchwork_cat wrote: »

Perhaps your brother has heard on the grapevine that you are fed up with him not getting in touch and is peed off. My FIL insisted on coming to see my DS after he was born. He demanded . I was only in hospital 12 hours afterwards and we had no help, but he arrived with SIL, stepMIL and GrandpaIL next day and no sign of help and then complained that we forgot to offer him a cup of tea. I nearly passed out at one point as they had taken all the chairs and I had to stand!

Sorry, but after a baby family has to help and not demand. If you visit - take a shepherd's pie as they probably haven't eaten, put a wash on. Yes your brother should have replied, but some don't.

I take it that you've not read the whole thread? I sent a letter approx 9 days ago,still no response. I cant call him as he doesnt have a landline and he doesnt reply to my texts. He lives in cornwall and I live in london,so any food I was to preapre would be pretty inedible by the time we got there,not that I can travel anyway,and what got my back up was the lack of manners re my gift yesterday. Theres no excuse.:rolleyes: