Sibling issues

UKTigerlily

I just wanted to say that although my Brother doesn't have kids, I think I can understand how you must feel. I hope more than anything to be an Aunt someday & my Brother isn't into keeping in touch with family either; at 25 he's just started to remember to send birthday cards (Or to bother maybe as he's had to move from London back in with our Mum & Stepdad so can't *pretend* he didn't know it's a birthday)

I can so imagine him being this way if he ever does have kids & it'd break my heart to not be a part of any nephew/nieces lives.

My Stepsister has two Daughters aged 7 & 4, she's never bothered to keep in touch either, i've seen her 4yr old twice, once when she was 12 days old & only because my Stepsister came to my house to bring over a Cat she no longer wanted that I took on! The second time was when she was 4 months old as I worked at Asda & my Stepsister was in shopping at another till, so I called her over to say hi.

She's not my *proper* Stepsister but my Stepdad used to be Married to her Mum so she's his ex Stepdaughter & he's the one who brought her up. It's a shame she turned into such an ungreatful brat, she's recently got in touch with my Stepdad & he's going over at some point, but she'll never be a regular in anyone's lives through her own choice.

It's upsetting but all you can do is try, i'd try to call him as MrsTine says, just to see if everything's ok & then leave it to him but i'd still send the baby cards & presents & ask about it.

melancholly

Claire3121 wrote: »

Update-
they came down on friday,so we went to see them yesterday(they're staying at my parents). Spent a fortune in baby gap and barely got a "thank you" which hurt a bit. Felt a bit of atmosphere too,which also felt awkward. Found out they had sent everyone home made birth announcement cards with a photo in the post,and I never recieved one.
Luckily we had a prior engagement yesterday so couldnt stay long,which im kind of relieved about. Isn't that an awful thing to say?

maybe there were a bit sensitive to you spending lots of money when they don't have any...? do you think that could be at all related?

i'd also avoid assuming that you didn't get sent a card... it may have been lost in the post.... just don't always assume the worst - their priority is their baby, not you... it doesn't mean that they don't care, but you they aren't focussed on the same things as you right now (which is understandable with a new born).

Claire3121

melancholly wrote: »

maybe there were a bit sensitive to you spending lots of money when they don't have any...? do you think that could be at all related?

i'd also avoid assuming that you didn't get sent a card... it may have been lost in the post.... just don't always assume the worst - their priority is their baby, not you... it doesn't mean that they don't care, but you they aren't focussed on the same things as you right now (which is understandable with a new born).

I have been thinking a bit more about things and what they said on sunday. I know money is extremely tight for them,yet they had to make a big thing about how much certain baby things were(maybe to make themseleves feel better?). Ie that they were going to go private for seperate MMR jabs(approx £1,500 for all 3 injections)and things like this.
I didn't spend a HUGE amount on the gift,but maybe a little more than most as we only see them once a year if that,so I wanted to spoil my niece a bit.

floss2

Claire3121 wrote: »

I have been thinking a bit more about things and what they said on sunday. I know money is extremely tight for them,yet they had to make a big thing about how much certain baby things were(maybe to make themseleves feel better?). Ie that they were going to go private for seperate MMR jabs(approx £1,500 for all 3 injections)and things like this.
I didn't spend a HUGE amount on the gift,but maybe a little more than most as we only see them once a year if that,so I wanted to spoil my niece a bit.

Personally I think that's setting too high a financial target when they are on one income, and they've been paying into the NHS for their working lives..... maybe they would have liked you to buy something "useful" in their eyes rather than Baby Gap (cute as it is!)....I gave my brother & SiL a box of bits & pieces that I'd bought during the pregnancy, and we asked them what else they needed (ended up paying for a mobile for their daughter).....

Anyway, at least you have had some contact - it sounds like they have a new life in Cornwall and you have your life in London. Also, remember the old wives' saying and apply it to your brother "a son's a son til he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter for the rest of her life".

Claire3121

floss2 wrote: »

Personally I think that's setting too high a financial target when they are on one income, and they've been paying into the NHS for their working lives..... maybe they would have liked you to buy something "useful" in their eyes rather than Baby Gap (cute as it is!)....I gave my brother & SiL a box of bits & pieces that I'd bought during the pregnancy, and we asked them what else they needed (ended up paying for a mobile for their daughter).....

Anyway, at least you have had some contact - it sounds like they have a new life in Cornwall and you have your life in London. Also, remember the old wives' saying and apply it to your brother "a son's a son til he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter for the rest of her life".

A gift is a gift and people should be appreciative of the gift whatever. I didnt have to buy anything at all but chose to. Manners cost nothing.

floss2

Claire3121 wrote: »

A gift is a gift and people should be appreciative of the gift whatever. I didnt have to buy anything at all but chose to. Manners cost nothing.

I agree, but I think that you probably had an idea that they may not have the same regard for polite behaviour as you do from them not sending you a birth anouncement or even calling you. You did say you "barely got a thank you" - was that an ungrateful "oh thanks" as they threw your gift on the floor or perhaps just not as effusive as you thought you should get?

People move onto different stages in their lives when they start a family - he has moved to another part of the country which is a big enough change without the added pressure of changes in income & a new baby.

I think that your brother has moved away from his previous life and is starting a new life with his new family. Perhaps you should acknowledge this, accept that he has this new family life away from you and move on, even if you cannot fully be happy with it. After all, you probably don't wish to create such a gulf that your children & his never even know about their cousins just because their parents don't speak after they fell out when one of them was a baby.

Claire3121

floss2 wrote: »

I agree, but I think that you probably had an idea that they may not have the same regard for polite behaviour as you do from them not sending you a birth anouncement or even calling you. You did say you "barely got a thank you" - was that an ungrateful "oh thanks" as they threw your gift on the floor or perhaps just not as effusive as you thought you should get?

People move onto different stages in their lives when they start a family - he has moved to another part of the country which is a big enough change without the added pressure of changes in income & a new baby.

I think that your brother has moved away from his previous life and is starting a new life with his new family. Perhaps you should acknowledge this, accept that he has this new family life away from you and move on, even if you cannot fully be happy with it. After all, you probably don't wish to create such a gulf that your children & his never even know about their cousins just because their parents don't speak after they fell out when one of them was a baby.

He's only at the other end of the country and not the other side of the world,so I dont think thats really an excuse.
When we gave them the gift it was "oh she already has 3 wardrobes at home" in a groaning tone. I thought "why did I bother". These were useful things too,and something her her to wear when she's a little older.

Glitzkiss

Claire3121 wrote: »

Update-
they came down on friday,so we went to see them yesterday(they're staying at my parents). Spent a fortune in baby gap and barely got a "thank you" which hurt a bit. Felt a bit of atmosphere too,which also felt awkward. Found out they had sent everyone home made birth announcement cards with a photo in the post,and I never recieved one.
Luckily we had a prior engagement yesterday so couldnt stay long,which im kind of relieved about. Isn't that an awful thing to say?

Is it possible that this is one huge misunderstanding on both parts? Perhaps your card got lost in the post and your brother and SIL are wondering why you haven't thanked them for it. Consequently your actions, sending cards, giving presents etc whilst not acknowledging their homemade offerings, are as bewildering to them as theirs are to you

floss2

Claire3121 wrote: »

He's only at the other end of the country and not the other side of the world,so I dont think thats really an excuse.....

But you said yourself that they don't have a landline and no PC so no internet access...... Cornwall is the largest County in England , so maybe they DO feel that they are on the other side of the world.

My younger brother lives 50 miles away and now he has a 3 month old daughter he doesn't text or call me anything like as often as he did before. He has more important things to him in his life now, and I am very happy with that. THAT is what I meant by people moving on......

Claire3121 wrote: »

When we gave them the gift it was "oh she already has 3 wardrobes at home" in a groaning tone. I thought "why did I bother". These were useful things too,and something her her to wear when she's a little older.

Gap do gift receipts - if you have one of those then send it to them so they can exchange for something she doesn't have or that will fit her in a few months.

Anyway, you & I both know that babies not only grow, but leak from both ends so her parents will probably be grateful for "3 wardrobes" of clothes as some point!

Claire3121

Just been on the phone to my dad and my brother and SIL had my mum in tears over the weekend,with things they said,certain looks etc. My dad surprisingly said that he wishes they didn't come down last weekend. So they've left a bad taste in our mouths. As I said we dont see them often so would be nice to all get on when we do...
If it wasn't for my niece,I dont think i'd care if I didnt see them again tbh...their attitudes are just nasty and they have characteristics that I despise in people:mad: