Money wedding gift. How much to give

skintstudentnurse

omen666 wrote: »

£20 is ridiculous. A round £100 IMHO

The OP isn't attending the wedding and doesn't see these relatives that often, I think £20 is fine.

dizziblonde

And THIS is why I refuse to buy into the whole "request cash for wedding presents" idea - because there's always a tendency to reduce family relationships down to pounds, shillings and pence (well not shillings but you get the idea). How you can say that sibling of the groom is quantified as more than £20 or not is beyond me - to someone like MY brother who's a student £20 is a fair whack of cash, to someone like Richard Branson - it would be nothing much at all really... so to lay it down point blank as "if you're the sibling of the groom you pay X" isn't right and is pretty vulgar really.

As for the people who've said it's wrong to give a gift if they've requested cash. I'm sorry, but I find being asked to my face for money tantamount to mugging - I'm in this situation at the moment with a family member, I don't want to be pressganged into opening the chequebook for just the reason detailed above, the person in question IS one who'll sit down and total up who's given what and I don't want to be part of that great "Lurve Competition" (they've also had quite expensive stag and hen "weekends" with the assumption people will spend a few hundred quid in travel to join them in their designated venue for an entire weekend - so there isn't much thought for anyone else going on there). I'll buy a gift in acknowledgement of their happy occasion, but I'm not handing over cash for the amount to be analyzed and dissected (and more than anything else, like most people - we're hurting financially). I think if you go down that requesting cash for presents route you need to accept that there are a lot of people out there who DO feel quite strongly about the issue (particularly older people, but not always, I'm still relatively young myself) - and offer them an alternative, or accept that they're likely to take an alternative.

For our wedding - I'm not planning on going down the wish list front. If people want to buy something, our parents have a good enough idea of the things we could use (my mother's bought us a present in advance as she knew we needed a decent set of pans for the kitchen), but I'm not getting married on the expectation of presents to open - I'm getting married because I love my fiance and want to be his wife. I actually find the whole fuss about my own wedding to be quite embarassing and have no wish to be making grand demands of anyone - it's mine and my partner's day, people are welcome to come along and share it, join in a small party afterwards - but I'm not going to become some hysterical screaming bride demanding a holiday on the family's expense.

MsChazzer

dizziblonde wrote: »

I'll buy a gift in acknowledgement of their happy occasion, but I'm not handing over cash for the amount to be analyzed and dissected

Absolutely. I didn't realise people actually did that until reading a previous thread on this subject on here.

Poppy9

fernliebee wrote: »

Well lucky my family are all very close, so they know when I say this, I truly mean it! I wouldn't have bothered inviting people who I didn't really know as this is not the point IMO. I wanted my close friends and family around me, and did not expect them to spend a fortune in order to be able to turn up. I also said not to bother buying new outfits etc, just wear something they feel comfortable in- I hate wasting money!

But if you ask them all to answer you honestly if they feel obliged to give you money what would their answer be. Also would they say their answer would be different if you hadn't included a note saying that cash is useful?

I also didn't realise that people felt obliged to buy a new outfit for a wedding. Is this normal? I've often worn something already in my wardrobe for a wedding as I don't often wear posh clothes. It also would never have crossed my mind to tell someone they didn't have to buy new as I know friends/relatives wheel out the same wedding outfits sometimes or borrow from each other to mix and match etc. My Gran at my wedding wore the same frock and jacket she had worn to most of her grandchildren's wedding (and we have a big age range). She didn't think at almost 80 it was worth buying new. I don't think anyone would have known if she had said.

zippychick

teaspoon1 wrote: »

OP, sending £20 is a handmade card is a lovely gesture, esp since (a) you're pensioners and (b) you're not actually going. She will be very touched and grateful.

To everyone else - I sympathise! I also advise you never to accept an invite to a wedding in Ireland - €100 PER GUEST is considered the minimum acceptable gift for all attendees (that's €200 PER COUPLE), or more if they're your best mate/immediate family. And everyone asks for money as a wedding gift. It is truly shocking. I live in Northern Ireland but have attended a fair few weddings in ROI so I speak from experience.

Holy moly! Seriously? Ive never been to a wedding down south, but that is an insane amount to expect. I had friends who got married, and I paid for the whole hen night (50 for the stuff ), also for my and her dinner, bought a wedding present that cost £50 - a framed poster which was really nice, and ive bought them two engagement presents. Plus the expense of a wedding. They barely buy me a birthday present!

To the op, £20 is more than generous. If they are the type to think you didn't give enough, lets face it, they can't really care too much. I always believe it is the thought that counts over anything.

dieselhead

Having thought about this a little more now, I would expect to give a small gift for a wedding, like many other £20 seems appropriate gift. I see it as part of the same tradition of birthdays, and christmas, giving a gift when attending a wedding to me is the done thing. (I probably wouldn't give a gift if I wasn't going to the wedding).

I think in terms of the money versus, gifts, it is preferable to give a gift, but lets face it even if you buy from a wedding list it is going to be known how much you have spent and for that matter if anyone is really that shallow what ever you buy can be found and priced within a few minutes on the internet. And as has been said before many people have everything they require for their home when they get married.

So I think that asking for a gift of money (which is what I seem to wind up giving for birthdays these days anyway rather than guessing and the gift is then unwanted) is OK. However I think it would be nice to know what it is being spent on for example a gift towards their honeymoon, or a deposit on a house together. Its the big things that couples need help with these days not the small, and I am happy to make a small gift towards whatever the couple want when attending a wedding.

fernliebee

Poppy9 wrote: »

But if you ask them all to answer you honestly if they feel obliged to give you money what would their answer be. Also would they say their answer would be different if you hadn't included a note saying that cash is useful?

I also didn't realise that people felt obliged to buy a new outfit for a wedding. Is this normal? I've often worn something already in my wardrobe for a wedding as I don't often wear posh clothes. It also would never have crossed my mind to tell someone they didn't have to buy new as I know friends/relatives wheel out the same wedding outfits sometimes or borrow from each other to mix and match etc. My Gran at my wedding wore the same frock and jacket she had worn to most of her grandchildren's wedding (and we have a big age range). She didn't think at almost 80 it was worth buying new. I don't think anyone would have known if she had said.

Well obviously some didn't mind as a few couldn't afford to and gave nothing which they told us before and we were fine with, we really were just pleased they could make it. Some people helped with the preparation instead of giving a gift which we were so greatful for as it would have been so tricky without their help. Maybe some did feel they had to give money when they may have normally bought a gift but tbh most of my family would have preferred to give us cash even if we hadn't of asked for it, so we could buy things for new house and baby. Some people did buy gifts rather than give money, and they were very well thought out and we really loved them.

I made sure everyone knew that this was a low key affair- lot's of people were invited as we have large families, but I didn't want people to waste money. People who talked to me about what to wear (most of the female guests) I told them seriously not to worry, and just wear something they had and suggested outfits they had that I think looked good on them (in a friends, getting ready for a night out way- not a bridezilla way!). Our male friends and lot's of my DH friends were talking about buying or hiring suits, and we said they would be welcome in their normal clothes as they are NOT suit wearers at all (:D), we didn't want them to go to the hassle of getting clothes they didn't feel comfortable in, and wouldn't wear again. Maybe it's difficult for you to understand as it's obviously so different to how you feel, but I know for a fact that if anyone had, had a problem they would have spoken to me about it, as I would have to them if the situation were reversed.

I can't explain very well, but I am a very relaxed person and didn't stress out about the wedding organisation at all. Me and my mum did everything- self catered etc but all I cared about was that me and DH were married, and that our family and friends could spend time with us. If I wasn't getting worked up/ stressed out by it I was adament the guests shouldn't.

Sorry for long post, but I just wanted to finish by saying that I really feel your concerns over giving money are more a fear of being judged than anything. IMO a gift should be something you know someone wants, in that situation buying them something they don't want is just a waste of money- if you feel that strongly then don't get them anything and have the strength of character to justify your actions. It really seem's to me as if you are more worried that you will be judged for giving too little, so give what you can afford and be happy in the knowledge that you did that- don't worry what other's will think! Does it really matter? If it's someone who knows and loves you they will understand, and if they don't understand they are ungrateful sh1ts who don't deserve what you DID give never mind anymore!!!

Anyway- I've rambled for far too long, but obviously we just have very different opinions and experiences in this instance.

Poppy9

fernliebee wrote: »

People who talked to me about what to wear (most of the female guests) I told them seriously not to worry, and just wear something they had and suggested outfits they had

I think it's a generation thing. I got married 22 years ago and I don't remember anyone bothering me with what they were wearing and following on from that I wouldn't dream of bothering the bride with what I was wearings as I wouldn't think they would really care.

fernliebee wrote:

Our male friends and lot's of my DH friends were talking about buying or hiring suits, and we said they would be welcome in their normal clothes as they are NOT suit wearers at all (:D),

We hired suits for the immediate men in our wedding as my father was fed up with buying suits for weddings and never wearing them and as he had to have made to measure they were expensive. My OH never wears suits but for him he always has to have a suit available for weddings and funerals and just varies the shirt and tie. I think it's an age thing as my nephews used to ring around the older men in the family for a loan of a suit for a funeral. I have noticed though that many younger men no longer wear suits at funerals. OH wouldn't dream of going not in a suit and black tie.

._fernliebee wrote:

Maybe it's difficult for you to understand as it's obviously so different to how you feel, but I know for a fact that if anyone had, had a problem they would have spoken to me about it, as I would have to them if the situation were reversed.

I don't find it difficult to understand but I do find it strange that people seem so obsessed with bothering the party host with their outfits. It's made me think now that perhaps the bride wants me to discuss my wedding outfit with her before I go to her wedding and that I'm not taking it seriously enough when it comes to outfits.

fernliebee wrote:

I can't explain very well, but I am a very relaxed person and didn't stress out about the wedding organisation at all.

it's okay. I'm very laid back too. My Dad told me what he could afford to contribute to our wedding, my in laws did the same and OH and I worked with that and what we could afford. One of my sisters couldn't believe I didn't buy a bride magazine and I never set foot in a wedding fayre. I even laughed when they told me they had dropped the wedding cake but I did feel sorry for my friend who had made the 3 tier cake only for 1.5 to survive.

fernliebee wrote:

Sorry for long post, but I just wanted to finish by saying that I really feel your concerns over giving money are more a fear of being judged than anything.

no not at all worried about being judged. I just think a gift is exactly that a gift and not a financial donation. I never give my DD money for Xmas or Birthday though it would probably be cheaper because once I/we become set on an idea of what sort of gift I want for her then that's it. i.e. this year most of her friends had £150-£200 off their parents for Xmas and just a small stocking. The money was to spend in the sales. DD hadn't asked for anything but we knew she would love a laptop and that cost a lot more than £200 plus I still did a stocking for her with other surprises. The joy for us in seeing her face and appreciating the effort we have put in to giving her a gift that she wouldn't dream of asking for.

fernliebee wrote:

IMO a gift should be something you know someone wants, in that situation buying them something they don't want is just a waste of money- if you feel that strongly then don't get them anything and have the strength of character to justify your actions.

There is always something that someone wants or needs but often they don't realise it. My parents didn't buy me a "wedding present" but they did contribute to the wedding and my mother bought me all the things I didn't realise I needed like a sieve, a colander, tin opener, peg bag. Fantastic gifts as my mother was always very practical.

fernliebee wrote:

It really seem's to me as if you are more worried that you will be judged for giving too little, so give what you can afford and be happy in the knowledge that you did that- don't worry what other's will think!

I'm not at all worried about being judged but I do dislike this move to greed. Wedding gifts traditionally were to help the couple set up home with practical household goods. Now most couples start out with the perfect home full furnished so they want a LCD Tv funded by wedding guests. I think this is dreadful and people of a similar age agree. If I had a silver wedding party and invited people I think it would be bad taste to ask them for money if they wish to give a gift. There is always something I could buy with the money but I would never ever put a note into that effect with an invite.

At DD 14th birthday party recently I said to put in with the invites "no gifts please" as it was their company she wanted and it was a low key (but blooming noisy) house get together and the girls use their pocket money usually to buy friends presents but spend about £10-15. DD was horrified at this idea and needless to say the invites went out with no mention of no gifts. I think if she had put on the invite "no gifts thank you as it's just your company I want but if you really want to give me a gift money would be nice to get X" people would have thought it cheeky.

fernlielee wrote:

]Anyway- I've rambled for far too long, but obviously we just have very different opinions and experiences in this instance.

I like rambling I think it's an age thing as gift buying now is big business and younger people expect more. When I was a child I had one big gift which would be something like a cassette recorder player or a state of the art:rolleyes: digital clock radio or even a digital watch for Xmas or my birthday. These are practically stocking fillers now as I do think some people measure how much you care by how much you spend. There have been a few threads on these boards with people upset that their mother spends more on gifts for their brother/sister etc than they do on them. I am one of 4 and it never crossed our mind to tot up who had the most spent on them.

The last wedding I went to where they asked for cash was my neice. I told my sister & neice I didn't do cash. My sister agreed and my neice just said "okay". I did though pay for my DD bridesmaid dress/shoes/headdress etc. plus I bought her a bedding set that I had seen her admiring while shopping but she couldn't afford and her mother didn't take the hint and buy. ~Giving her cash would have probably been the cheaper option but I like to give a gift as there is a joy in giving.

fernliebee

I think although we feel differently about the money/ gift issue we are coming from the same place with the rest of it! I'm the same about greed and material goods as in I don't have a TV, mostly have second hand household goods and clothing etc and believe in repairing things until they are so beyond it that I have to replace. I think this may be the route of why I prefer money as I know some of my family are so extravagent they feel I NEED a TV, new curtains new everything, whereas I feel what we have is sufficient I know with money I can get a good bargain on something we really do need.

How you feel about money giving, I feel about gift lists! I hate the things, I feel it's a bit cheeky to ask for exact things and the cheap things always get bought quickly and then you can't afford to get anything else. I guess it's the same reasons you have against asking for money.

I also feel the same with gifts for immediate family. I would never give money or vouchers to them, but like you with your daughter, know what to buy to bring a smile! I love shopping for something they'll really love.

I think your probably right about the generational thing, as me and my DH have been together since 16 and got married at 25 so we really didn't need household items, just needed to decorate our new place and buy a few new things for baby such as carseat that we didn't want to get second hand, and re-useable nappies etc. Whereas my parents got married straight away and needed everything to set up house.

I do see what your saying about the joy of giving, I love to shop for a really nice gift for birthdays and xmas. I'm not sure why I feel differently about weddings- maybe it's the pressure to get something useful that I put on to myself so it's easier to give money. I don't like to be wasteful and would be worried I would get something they didn't like. Also the fact that the only weddings I have been to recently have been friends I haven't seen regularly for a while so in all honesty a bit out of touch with their likes/ dislikes. For my brothers wedding I bought his wife a present (charm bracelet) rather than him, as he was adament that he didn't want anything as I was a poor student at the time.

Lovely to ramble with you

x

northern_star

frankie55 wrote: »

It's not the 'giving' that I mind in modern weddings, it's that you never get a proper Thank You! Both my neices married late last year, one for the third time, she has also had 5 engagement parties, gifts to them all, and the other neice married in Las Vegas so we couldn't afford to go, but from neither, apart from a thanks as we handed them over and not opend at the time, have we recieved an acknowledgement of the gift. I don't mind giving money or gift vouchers, better than a gift they hate, but I would like to know that they appreceiated the present......yeahhhh I am getting old..........

Oh this one gets me on my soapbox too :mad:. What ever happened to a simple" thank you". We have attended 4 weddings in the last year or so and given gifts at each (gift vouchers to 3, present to 1)- and not one thank you . Of course we didn't give to be thanked or expect any 'gushing' gratitude but it seems plain rude to me not to have a gift even acknowledged.
ps Yeah I'm getting old too - but since when are good manners age-related?

rant over, lol