Support for people with Depression

geminilady

shazrobo wrote: »

when he goes out with the lads, it is just the lads not their partners if they have one, holidays are for the lads, as are weekends away to watch rugby.
just looked on his teams website, they play from feb thru til september, not always on a sunday tho, notice easter weeks match was on a fri hence he was free easter sunday, as no work that day either.
i am very lonely thats why i am in this position of being in a relationship that going nowhere, or choice of being totally on me own, no easy answer, find being on my own hard enough, just wanna feel loved and cared for, seems too much to ask sometimes in this life.
yes we did go on holiday together, who wouldnt come on a free holiday?, i paid as it was for kids too, and a caravan costs same regardless of how many stay in it
i love him, and this choice hurts, and i know nobody can make this choice for me, i to do it for myself.
thanks for all your support

shaz xx

Shame about the rugby only off for four months and i did not know you had paid for the holiday,did he buy food,meals out ect and help with the petrol?.I do understand about the lonelyness,i have been on my own for eleven years now.I also have two boys living at home as you say its the wanting to feel loved and cared for that makes us lonely.Its funny how people say how can you be lonely when you have children but they don't understand. I think when the samaritan lady said enjoy yourself without Ian she meant try not to make him the center of your world develop other interests.I know you enjoy your craft classes.Is there anything else you could do while the boys are at school? or is it the weekends and holidays you find hard?.I do not think it is fare that you have to cope alone and there should be some sort of respite care available.

Miroslav

Jo_R wrote: »

Aw that made me smile Miro!

I am having a pretty bad day so far. Yesterday we planned to paint the living room so dropped DDs off at my parents. On the way back the car broke down, so by the time OH got back after being towed, the shops were shut so didn't even get any paint.

OH is still in bed, with baby asleep next to him. I'm feeling pretty p*ssed off, being as yesterday was a wash out, I was hoping to at least get some shopping done before my parents drop off DDs (expecting them sometime soon) so we don't a) end up dragging three kids round the supermarket, b) end up with no food until tomorrow, or c) OH escapes the chaos to go to the supermarket on his own whilst I end up with the kids (I know which I'd rather do!)

Suffice to say as he's still asleep, we haven't gone shopping. The car is decidedly dodgy anyway today, it wil start up but we don't trust it to go much further than round the corner so I can't even go by myself in the car. We have OH's work van but I can't drive that so it's either wait for OH or not go Doesn't look like we're going then!

I hate this, I feel sometimes like my life is run depending on other people which is why I feel so much out of control and it's like it switches a green light on feeling down and then the downward spiral starts... It's crazy because in itself, not being able to get the shopping is a small inconvenience.

The thing is, I know when OH drags himself out of bed, he'll be moaning about how he wishes he'd gotten up earlier... :mad: He'll insist he goes shopping in the van (can't fit all of us in so I'd have to stay at home with the kids) and whilst in theory it's a good idea because we'll at least get the shopping, I'm going to be majorly p*ssed off because my parents will have gone home by then and I'll have DDs and baby whilst he goes off - the thing is he'd throw a stress if it were the other way around and I left him at home, so he knows how hard it can be sometimes.

I've been up three times to try and get him up but to no avail, so I'm sat here stewing because the minutes are passing in which we could go and get the shopping before my parents get back and he's still catching an overinflated amount of ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz's:mad::rolleyes:

Sorry for rambling, can you tell I'm annoyed?:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

I'm glad it made you smile.

I know what you mean about life being dependant on other people. I think we all have to rely on others to a degree, but when they aren't very considerate, it doesn't half make things harder

I hope your day got better.

Miroslav

shazrobo wrote: »

he a typical single bloke i guess, enjoys rugby, beer, weekends away with the lads, and has me for the other

Rugby annoys me, I don't drink and I prefer female company (the right female company!)

Honorary female? Maybe, i'm straight, wear NO makeup or womens clothes, so maybe just a big sensitive fool.

Miroslav

shazrobo wrote: »

just wanna feel loved and cared for, seems too much to ask sometimes in this life.
shaz xx

I know the feeling, but keep going. He does have to appreciate that a relationship is give and take and that he needs to start putting something into it.

Miroslav

shazrobo wrote: »

i know they not his kids, and we arn't his problem,
sorry rambling on

shaz x

When you get into a relationship, if the other person has children, then he takes them on, regardless of biology.

So if he is in any kind of relationship with you, you all should be of concern to him.

He can't just pick the good times and when the going gets tough, decide to go away with the lads. It's not really on.

Miroslav

geminilady wrote: »

as you say its the wanting to feel loved and cared for that makes us lonely.Its funny how people say how can you be lonely when you have children but they don't understand.

I guess their is more than one sort of lonely.

I have my flatmate to talk too about every day things, but the loneliness we talk about here is something which only a person you are in a relationship can offer.

In my 2 previous relationships since my partner passing, I have felt very lonely in them.

Forgive me for asking, but what became of the chap you used to text?

Jo_R_2

shazrobo wrote: »

ian works some weekends, he does shifts, driving, but on the weekends he dosent work he likes a drink with the lads, and also rugby on a sunday with more beer.
i usually see him midweek. we spwnt easter sunday together as it was the kids birthdays, and his team wasnt playing.
told him loads time how i feel, but he just tells me to chill, and enjoy the times we do have together. we have never been out on a friday, saturday or sunday night, always midweek. feeling like a broken record.
really like him, but wandering if this is worth it, so whether i should just accept this is the way it is if he wont change.
feeling desperatly lonely, and planning on ringing the samaritans wen kids in bed, cant talk on phone wen they around

shaz xxx

I've been thinking a lot about your post and thought I'd try and formulate some kind of coherent reply, so bear with me!

Ian sounds a lot like my OH when me and OH started going out and became a couple. FWIW I can see both sides and can really relate to what you're saying because it sounds so much like the things I used to think too.

OH had been single for a while and was very set in his ways. Certain nights were for going down the local with his best mate, then Fridays and Saturdays were for going out into town, and very rarely did this change. We'd usually see each other the nights inbetween, then at the weekend I might go out with him if DDs were at their dads, or else I'd stay in and he'd go out, rarely if ever would he stay in with me.

We had argument after argument about it, to the point where I actually told him I'd had enough, I couldn't live like that. To me it wasn't as simple as us just arranging to see each other, but was reflective of his commitment to me and DDs and the family unit. Funnily enough the next morning he rang me in tears saying he'd been stupid and would I reconsider?

We've been through loads of ups and downs about the same thing since and I think I'm lucky in that he did change during my pregnancy and now I really don't have anything to complain about

However I really do believe that there is something to be said for not making yourself quite as available as he might expect. It might mean at first you miss an evening you might have otherwise spent together but being less available means he won't take for granted seeing you.
Also is there a chance you could arrange something in particular for a weekend night? Rather than something casual like wanting to go for a drink, could you, say, get tickets for a film, or book a table somewhere for dinner (somewhere moneysaving of course!) Would he go for that?

I used to hate that OH was so stuck in his ways - but that was part of his single bloke life and once me and him started forging a life together, we developed our own little patterns and ways that were 'ours' and not just his.

Not sure if that's any help - and it's certainly not coming from the world's expert in relationships so feel free not to take any notice LOL!:D

Horasio

shazrobo wrote: »

weekdays between 9 am and 3pm, i can be me, shaz, do as i please within reason, come weekend and holidays i'm just mum/housekeeper/taxi driver/slave etc.fed up being a referee to 2 teens who don't get on, one of them so aggressive, i fear for the safety of the other,as well as myself at times.

feel so lonely too, and this is perhaps the hardest thing. i go to craft groups and chat to others, but unable to go anywhere weekends or school holidays, feel resentful being tied to 2 ungrateful kids.

bf is living the single life, and enjoying himself as usual, but instead of being happy for him i'm jealous. wish i was happy, and had the freedom.

do i stay with him, and enjoy the good times we have together, usually once a week, sometimes twice, or do we split just because i ask the impossible and want to spend some weekends with him, instead of being on my own.
he a typical single bloke i guess, enjoys rugby, beer, weekends away with the lads, and has me for the other

i know they not his kids, and we arn't his problem,
sorry rambling on

shaz x

There are different types of 'mates'

There are the types who are caring and are there for you when you have problems, and help you out as well and there are the types who you see for fun only

Your boyfriend sounds to be the latter.

They will take you out and help you escape the misery of everyday living but they don't tend to help out with the everyday living and hassles.

You have to weigh up your needs. Do you want a person who will give you time out and help you escape twice a week, or do you want a person around more often to help with the everyday chores/hassles?

If you feel you need someone around more often to help out and feel resentful towards him not doing so, then you have to assess whether he his the type of guy you want/need just now.

beachbeth

geminilady wrote: »

Its funny how people say how can you be lonely when you have children but they don't understand.

When my kids were little I was very lonely. (My husband was working a lot and all my friends and relatives were in full time work). You are there for your kids as their carer and to make things right for them. They are your responsibility. However, they are not there for you and, when they are young, do not provide support for you and you can't talk things through with them or moan about life etc. This is why you can be lonely when you have kids. You can't lean on them for support like you can with an adult.

shazrobo

geminilady wrote: »

Shame about the rugby only off for four months and i did not know you had paid for the holiday,did he buy food,meals out ect and help with the petrol?.I do understand about the lonelyness,i have been on my own for eleven years now.I also have two boys living at home as you say its the wanting to feel loved and cared for that makes us lonely.Its funny how people say how can you be lonely when you have children but they don't understand. I think when the samaritan lady said enjoy yourself without Ian she meant try not to make him the center of your world develop other interests.I know you enjoy your craft classes.Is there anything else you could do while the boys are at school? or is it the weekends and holidays you find hard?.I do not think it is fare that you have to cope alone and there should be some sort of respite care available.

i paid for petrol etc, as i would have if it had just me and boys, he contributed towards food. its just the weekend and holidays i find hard, as have both kids 24/7 with no respite. i love my craft classes, and try and go 3 times a week, but cant attend durign school hols as no child care.
i was on my own 9 years when the boys were smaller, so i know how you feel, its the lack of adult conversation you miss, the normal day to day stuff

shaz xxx