Support for people with Depression

beachbeth

clipboard2 wrote: »

Dear Friends,
You were not born with depression; it is what your parents and others have done to you that have given you this horrible illness.
It is not your fault, although you feel that you must be to blame somehow.

Thank you for this, Clipboard. I completely agree. I think certain people are born predisposed to being at risk from getting depression. Some will develop it and some won't, depending on their upbringing. This is why my childhood, (though not really bad or abusive, it was difficult for me) caused me to get depression even though my siblings have had the same upbringing and don't have depression.

jenniewb

whitevanwoman wrote: »

CCStar and Jenniwb
I have problems with my parents too and much of my mental health problems are the result of a difficult childhood. My dad is a very clever bully - a bit like Archie Mitchell on Eastenders - very nice and respectable on the outside, a pillar of the community, but a mean, vicious and vindictive controlling bully on the inside. People outside the family have no idea of how nasty and spiteful and aggressive he can be. My mum was totally destroyed by him and finally divorced him after nearly 30 yrs of marriage - unfortunately she has never been able to move on and is now very bitter and twisted. I suspect both my parents have mental health problems of their own but neither of them would admit it and neither of them have really shown any support to me with my mental health problems - my dad simply ignores it and my mum thinks I should just pull myself together, stop moping and think about all the people who are worse off than me.

I haven't really made any effort to keep in touch with my dad but he has maintained contact with me and I see him for a couple of hours every 3 - 6 months when he comes to visit. The visits are a duty, and I breathe a sigh of relief afterwards. On the surface we get on ok, but for me I treat him in the same way as I would treat a vague aquaintance, ie, general chit chat about the weather etc, nothing important and nothing emotional. That works for me, as I expect nothing more from him and give him no chance to get inside my head so I don't get hurt or upset by him. That is emotionally easier to deal with than breaking off all contact and having to deal with the consequences of a row or confrontation as unless there was a specific incident, he would continue to pursue me. I think he also knows that if he tries his nasty tricks on me now, I would not tolerate it and would go straight to the police or would "shop" him publicly - he is a magistrate and retired army officer and hobnobs with the mayor etc and so has alot to lose. But he is very sly, and lies, and it's sad not to trust your own father as far as you could throw him.

I am struggling though with my mum and after a horrible horrible Christmas last year I decided not to have any contact with her. I ignored her phone calls and emails until Oct when I gave in and she came to see me for a very brief visit. Mum is very wrapped up in being a victim and tells me regularly that I am selfish and thoughtless and wrapped up in myself (just like my father!). She uses emotional blackmail - ie how ungrateful I am when she gave up and went through so much for her kids, and now she is alone and no-one cares about her etc. She is definitely getting worse, and also forgetful and confused but she is NEVER wrong, it's always someone else's fault. I have really tried not to let it get to me but the effort of trying not to disagree with her (even when I feel really strongly about something she says), and to be what she wants me to be is just too much. It's hard, because she is my mum, and she's not going to be around for ever, and despite what she is like now, she used to be ok - maybe not the best mum in the world but I could have had a lot worse. At the moment, I have minimal contact - I don't answer her calls but tbh she doesn't ring that much, but I send a brief polite reply to her emails. I'm torn in 2 between wanting to be with my mum but not enjoying being with her. V difficult.

I don't know why I've just poured my heart out to you but your posts about your parental difficulties triggered something in me and I guess I just wanted you to know that I have some idea of the emotional difficulties you must both be going through with regards to your parents.

Lol at the Archie Mitchell comparison- for about 10-20 years I've had many people compare my dad to Ian Beale! Now Ian has softened up and stopped acting like a b*stard the comparisons have stopped- its funny how soaps can be so convincing- but in reality, its only because we can relate to them that they feel realistic. Otherwise they'd just be too out-there to pay attention to. Its not just all in the acting!

No worries about "pouring your heart out", I do it all the time and now just try not to think about it the next day when I wake up a different person:embarasse;)

You family life sounds very hard! Mine is hard enough but at least its not as venomous (mind you I just took the venomus part out) I had to make the necessary changes to try to get back some breathing space and make a statement :that things are not OK to carry on the way they were. My mum although uses emotional blackmail ("you should just forget about the past...""your father is just too old to change""your being selfish/mean/unfair/unkind, you need to just not let it get to you"...etc etc)which my sister likes to join in with. But its nothing that raises voices and I am quite capable in standing up for myself against them- I had a very distant relationship with my family growing up that in a way it doesn't feel so hard now to tell them "no".

I have good days and bad days (though pails in comarison to a deep depression- a depression makes family dynamics feel like a picnic for me!) but overall, making choices for my life rather then theirs made a posative difference. I still have a firm memory or working out the day I decided (whilst in a psychiatric hospital) that I was never going back to live with my father and it felt like such a relief and celebration! Again, not something that works for everyone but it definetly improved my life and even if I cannot get my parents to take some responsibility (gutting/frustrating/disappointing) at least I know I am doing my best. And hope one day they may read one of the books I've suggested, read one of the letters I've written or just ask me a question. We live in hope!:o

Tiff_2

Hi guys!
...





Back later I hope. Safe journeys everyone.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

Tiff_2

Hi miro!
How are you hun? I'm so sorry to hear about chubby. She looks just as adorable as her sisters and I'm sure she loved you just as much as they did too.
If it's any consolation angel, house cats tend to have a longer average lifespan - generally around 5 years longer than the 'in and out' cats! Sadly we can't do anything about old age but the fact that they've been so happy and healthy for all this time, is all down to your tlc. And it's no mean feat to look after 5 sibling kittens - and for all these years too!

For what it's worth, I've seen a site which you and others may wish to have a look at. This is a site with a free pet bereavement support service and some useful pet care information: http://www.bluecross.org.uk/web/site/AboutUs/PetBereavement/PBSSIntro.asp

pbss wrote:

''The Pet Bereavement Support Service (PBSS) offers support and understanding to bereaved pet owners through a national network of trained volunteer telephone and email befrienders, all of whom are ready to help. All calls and emails are treated confidentially.
The service is run by The Blue Cross in conjunction with The Society for Companion Animal Studies (SCAS). PBSS is a member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy and adopts its code of ethics. The service is also a member of The Helplines Association, and is supported by the British Small Animal Veterinary Association.

Help and support by telephone
Call the support line on 0800 096 6606 (UK only). The support line is open from 8.30am - 8.30pm everyday. All calls are free and confidential from a landline. If calling from a mobile phone, some phone networks may charge. Support is provided by trained volunteers. The service does not offer a counselling service but is able to offer emotional support and information for grieving pet owners.

Help and support by email
Sometimes, it's easier to write about about how you are feeling rather than talking to someone about the loss of a much-loved pet. We can offer you support through our email support line Email [EMAIL="pbssmail@bluecross.org.uk"]pbssmail@bluecross.org.uk[/EMAIL]. We will answer your email as soon as possible and within a maximum of 48 hours. If however, you want to contact someone immediately, please use the telephone support line.

Our All About Pets range of nearly 80 leaflets gives expert pet advice and support for owners to keep their animals healthy and happy. The leaflets are easy to read, illustrated, and are a trustworthy source written by experienced members of Blue Cross staff. Visit the dedicated All About Pets website to browse the range and download leaflets for free.''

Spiritually, in the world of pet bereavement, heaven is often referred to as "Rainbow Bridge", based on a prose poem written by an anonymous author in the 1980s. There are countless references to it on message boards and tribute sites.
"Rainbow Bridge is a mythical pet heaven," says Ms Murray. "The spiritual side of pet bereavement is powerful. [Those that believe in it] come from all walks of life - they are not wacky people."
Very loosely inspired by the Norse legend of Bifroest, the "rainbow bridge" represents the notion that owners will meet their pets again after death in a joyous reunion.

''Rainbow Bridge.''

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends, so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food and water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigour; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing: they miss someone very special to them who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. The bright eyes are intent; the eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to break away from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together.

Author - Anon

Apologies if this has been posted before, folks.

Remember that you're not on your own hunnie - you've still got 5 cats, a sazzy, a gem, an ethel, a shaz, a beth, an rbk, a wvw, an amber, an lm, a katie-tulip, and a ccstar, (to name but a few!), and about 500 other posters here who depend on and enjoy your posts. You may not believe it, miro but people think a lot of you. I know it's a tough time for you now but there are always people here who do listen to you and do care.
Sending lots of hugs and good wishes your way.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

Miroslav

jenniewb wrote: »

I think thats how it is- they will always be with you. An old Indain saying reads that we are only alive as long as the last person we know remembers us.

I think it will get easier though, you just gotta ride out the storm, keep holding on, give yourself space and time. Hope your getting by OK- know it must be v.hard.

It's not the same as having them here physically though

Very hard. I just feel pointless. Only the cats accept me. Just two to go and then i've had enough

I don't think i'd be here without my cats either. Alot of people rely on their animals for companionship.

I hear what you say. Not sure if losing them to death or them just disappearing is worse, never knowing. At least this way I know I gave her a good full life, all of the cats.

Britney can wait. She won't, but she could. I think anyone right now would be good. Flatmate is a pain, loud and in my face and annoyed because I feel sad and don't want to do anything. She's always about her though.

whitevanwoman wrote: »

Miro
Haven't been on the forum for a week or so and only just read about Chubby. I'm so so sorry to hear the sad news and am sending you MASSIVE hugs and LOTS of love - I don't care if you are ugly (although I suspect you are not) as you are a lovely lovely person, just the kind of guy I need! If it is any consolation, Miss Tibby Tabby sends purrs and cuddles, and Rigg the pig sends woofs and licks xxx

It is SO hard to lose a pet, especially for a singleton and especially for someone whose mental health is up and down. I was absolutely devastated by the loss of my first dog in Dec 08. He was my life. I would not be here now without him. He got me through so much and I learned so much from him. A year on I am now able to look back fondly and with real gratitude for the priviledge of having had him in my life for nearly 15 years. It's only been recently that I've been able to look at photos and videos of him without getting upset. His ashes are next to my bed and bring me comfort.

Last easter my 11 year old SidPuss disappeared - he was home on Good Friday when I went to bed and I never saw him again after that (named because for the first 48 hrs after I brought home this tiny flea ridden feisty little kitten, he arched up on his legs hissing every time he saw the dog - Hissing Sid! - they soon became good friends though).

I searched and put out posters but there was no trace of him. It was about 3 months before I fully accepted that he was not going to come back. I'm not sure if that was harder than having to take him to the vet - the memories of those last minutes at the vet with my old dog are still so vivid and upsetting, but at least once it was done and I got his ashes, I could start the grieving process and start to accept life without him.

Despite the sadness of losing my beloved friends, my life has definitely been far richer for having them in it, and I have done things in my life which I would not have done without them, especially the dog. I am a better person for having had them in my life, and that is their legacy which will never die.

Much much love to you at this sad time, do feel free to PM me - I'm not blonde like Britney and no longer as slim as she is but I try hard to be a nice person and that's the important thing xxx

Thanks. I don't feel nice, not anymore. How could I be nice if no-one ever likes me.

Tiff wrote: »

Hi miro!
How are you hun? I'm so sorry to hear about chubby. She looks just as adorable as her sisters and I'm sure she loved you just as much as they did too.
If it's any consolation angel, house cats tend to have a longer average lifespan - generally around 5 years longer than the 'in and out' cats! Sadly we can't do anything about old age but the fact that they've been so happy and healthy for all this time, is all down to your tlc. And it's no mean feat to look after 5 sibling kittens - and for all these years too!

For what it's worth, I've seen a site which you and others may wish to have a look at. This is a site with a free pet bereavement support service and some useful pet care information: http://www.bluecross.org.uk/web/site/AboutUs/PetBereavement/PBSSIntro.asp




Spiritually, in the world of pet bereavement, heaven is often referred to as "Rainbow Bridge", based on a prose poem written by an anonymous author in the 1980s. There are countless references to it on message boards and tribute sites.
"Rainbow Bridge is a mythical pet heaven," says Ms Murray. "The spiritual side of pet bereavement is powerful. [Those that believe in it] come from all walks of life - they are not wacky people."
Very loosely inspired by the Norse legend of Bifroest, the "rainbow bridge" represents the notion that owners will meet their pets again after death in a joyous reunion.

''Rainbow Bridge.''

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends, so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food and water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigour; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing: they miss someone very special to them who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. The bright eyes are intent; the eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to break away from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together.

Author - Anon

Apologies if this has been posted before, folks.

Remember that you're not on your own hunnie - you've still got 5 cats, a sazzy, a gem, an ethel, a shaz, a beth, an rbk, a wvw, an amber, an lm, a katie-tulip, and a ccstar, (to name but a few!), and about 500 other posters here who depend on and enjoy your posts. You may not believe it, miro but people think a lot of you. I know it's a tough time for you now but there are always people here who do listen to you and do care.
Sending lots of hugs and good wishes your way.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

I understood the average house cat lived to about 16, so I feel short changed. Not by much, but the way they went as well was difficult.

Thanks for the link and the poem.

I don't know to be honest. I'm too tired and miserable now. I don't see a future. I nevr have done, but now...i'm losing my family, the only one I know and flatmate is a right pain. All she cares about is herself and her facebook/twitter friends and Z list reality TV show people.

Sorry can't reply to much else, i'm just not able too

Tiff_2

Hi guys!
Morning everyone.




Safe journeys all.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

Tiff_2

Hi guys!
Loved this one when I saw it.




So that's where I've been going wrong!
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

beachbeth

Morning Tiff!:hello:

All the snow has gone where I live and its nice and sunny today so Im going to take my dogs for a nice, long walk. Should do me good to get out in the fresh air after the way Ive been feeling lately.

Miro - Hang in there. You are understandably upset after losing your cats and this clouds the rest of your life and makes you feel low. Try to concentrate on the good life you gave them and happy times you shared. There are plenty of us here who know how you feel, so you are not alone. Hugs for you. ((()))

shazrobo

morning all, the snow has cleared here too, but still dont feel upto going out.
just want to lie down and hide from the world, have had a bad week with joshua in particular, always shouting at me, blaming me for everything, and general bullying me. broke down in tears on friday night, couldnt take any more, tried to explain how he treats me, is making me ill again, probly in one ear, and gone out of the other, i know he has his problems, but he so needs to control his outbursts.
beachbeth, enjoy your walk hun, i used to love walking, but joshua refuses to walk anywhere, and justs moans and shouts and has a temper tantrum, if i try taking him for a walk anywhere.
miro, you are a kind decent bloke, please dont put yourself down, you have given your cats the best life they could have had, wish i could give you a real (((hug))) to make you feel better. your flatmate sounds just like one of my sons.
tiff, how are you hun? hope your taking care of yourself, love the pics, they bring a smile to my face.
rbk, hope you doing ok hun (((hugs)))
sazbo, how are you hun?, hope you having a lovely weekend, you know me, looking forward to monday myself
ccstar, hope you ok
everyone, (((big hugs)))
shaz xxx

Horasio

shazrobo wrote: »

morning all, the snow has cleared here too, but still dont feel upto going out.
just want to lie down and hide from the world, have had a bad week with joshua in particular, always shouting at me, blaming me for everything, and general bullying me. broke down in tears on friday night, couldnt take any more, tried to explain how he treats me, is making me ill again, probly in one ear, and gone out of the other, i know he has his problems, but he so needs to control his outbursts.
beachbeth, enjoy your walk hun, i used to love walking, but joshua refuses to walk anywhere, and justs moans and shouts and has a temper tantrum, if i try taking him for a walk anywhere.
miro, you are a kind decent bloke, please dont put yourself down, you have given your cats the best life they could have had, wish i could give you a real (((hug))) to make you feel better. your flatmate sounds just like one of my sons.
tiff, how are you hun? hope your taking care of yourself, love the pics, they bring a smile to my face.
rbk, hope you doing ok hun (((hugs)))
sazbo, how are you hun?, hope you having a lovely weekend, you know me, looking forward to monday myself
ccstar, hope you ok
everyone, (((big hugs)))
shaz xxx

How do you cope?

I could not cope with being bullied by my child in my home. My mum wouldn't allow me to be aggressive and my dad smacked me when I had one.

I feel quite clear today and I don't like what I see.

I felt good on Friday and got on well with my OH but as soon as I overstep the 'line', he makes me feel uncomfortable. The 'line' is feeling too good or too tired/low.

You have raised an issue by talking about your son bullying you. I have been bullied in my home by my mother as a child and by my OH as an adult. Both say I bully them but I was seen as a 'bully' when I stood up to them, and maybe go OTT sometimes and they have used every trick to put me down, so much so I haven't been able to function over the years. Combined with my PMDD/child rearing/lack of money, I was pretty much trapped and unable to function and get away.

I would like to work but I feel worried I will be bullied at work like I was at school and in some of my jobs. I notice I get bullied when I feel tired from being bullied at home and a general low feeling, they seem to 'know' and 'get' you. I was never bullied when I felt good or strong. I am always worried about how I come across in case I am 'got'

We are having to move out in 4 months and reviewing my relationship with my OH and family.

My mother was a total cow on my OH birthday. With other factors, her unreasonable behaviour towards me spoilt it for him.

I feel she uses control tactics in a similar way to my OH. Both deflate when I feel good and are nasty when I feel tired. I married my OH to get away from her and went straight into another nasty controlling relationship. Maybe I have 'control me' written on me. I worry I have an aura that attracts people to control me.

I have never lived on my own, I went from living at home to living with my OH. One part thinks it would be freeing, another makes me wonder if I would feel lonely and low in that way. At least I could get away from controlling people in my home, even if I encounter them outside. I could build enough inner resources to cope with them on a short term basis. It is when you have to see them and not feel you can get away from them or stop them being horrible that brings on depression for me.