Empty

hamstercheeks_2

my OH was in the sameboat. He worked full time,got up with the babies during the night, did washing/cooking/cleaning

but there was a difference his wife wasn't working:rolleyes:

he's not there anymore unsurprisingly:D

yoni_one

smoothgroove wrote: »

I do love my wife, but I'm actually thinking of just disappearing for good. She obviously has no respect for me. I love my son more than any thing else, but I don't want him ending up being a loser like his dad, and I worry he'll pick up on my bad traits seeing the way his mum treats me like a personal slave. Maybe it would be better if he just did not know me and I left while he's at an age not to remember me. No one knows the resentment I'm building up towards my wife, mainly because I'm embarrassed and don't want people to realise just how pathetic I am. I'm also concerned if I carry on like this I may just have a complete breakdown.

Does anyone else think I should walk away? Being a personal slave to the supposed love of your life is not very fulfilling. Thank you for any help

I really feel for you, it is horrible when one partner takes the other for granted in the home.

Stereotypically it is usually the other way around and I can't help but wonder what the responses would have been had you been a mother asking if anyone else thinks you should walk away.

It shouldn't be any different should it?

Being a personal slave to the supposed love of your life is not very fulfilling, how right you are.

Let her know how serious this is, maybe marriage guidance would be helpful?
http://www.relate.org.uk/

I really hope you work this out because there will be many many readers who understand what you mean about the resentment building up.

I also agree that when one person expects and allows the other to take up most of the slack it is disrespectful.

hamstercheeks_2

OP sounds like u r the one who is depressed.

have u tried talking to her bout this?

why dont u try (n i know it will be hard) to NOT do any of these things for a week n c if she says anything

squashy

Sounds like you need to really talk. You say you have tried dropping hints eg leaving a sink full of dishes but it is not working. All that is happening is you are building up resentment for her not noticing the hint and believing she has no respect for you. The reality is, it is not so importantant to her to have a sparkling kitchen all the time and she actually hasn't really thought about a possible hidden message in your action.

I can tell it from the other side (in fact I asked my husband if he'd been on MSE posting about me :rotfl:). My husband is always tidying and cleaning. I on the other hand would rather save it all up and have a big tidy up. I will spend a sunday morning chilling out by the TV then when i look there are three coffee cups, a magazine, 2 pairs of slippers, a biscuit wrapper and a myriad of toys all around my feet. I seriously don't know how they all got there! But in fairness I will put them all away eventually. Although a few years ago, when I was in my early twenties, I may have left them for days- I have definitely got better at it with age.

At the moment, I work full time and my Husband has the baby during the day as, like you, we did not want to go down the chilldcare route. In the past though for our other children we have used the services of a nursery for maybe one day a week, even when we've been at home, just to get a chance to catch up on everything. It does sound to me as if you are both fed up and need a break somehow. I bet you don't do much together as a family with the split shifts (been there done that), or have much of a social life outside of the family, either of you.

With regards to sharing hte housework, there is no magic formula about who should do what prooprtion. But as long as you agree then you both know where you are coming from. My husband does most of the housework and the cooking as he does not work at all, and I tend to just generally pick up after myself and everyone (although I have to really try at this as I can walk past mess and not notice unless I make myself. But habits do form eventually!) I also do a lot of the washing and the putting it away, I bath the kids, that sort of thing.

I have to say though, I am still up in the night with my daughter, still breastfeeding so this is something my husband can't do! :j

Steph998

I am on these boards because of problems with my son. He is 18 now, so it is a long time since I had to sterilise bottles....but I read your post and just wanted to reply.

Speaking as someone from her own broken family (at a very young age....my husband left when my son was five months old) Please, please do not leave on account of your low self esteem. You sound so articulate and such a lovely person...but you also sound depressed to me too. Berating yourself etc... 'better of without me' . Being slightly (can I say?) obsessive compulsive about your cabinet?

Do you still love your wife? Can you imagine life without her? Do you still make love, does your heart beat faster when she walks in the room? If her lazy behaviour is truly changing your feelings for her....then perhaps I can see why you would not stay in an unhappy marriage. But if there is still something there...even the tiniest glow...then fan it, breathe on it, bring it back to life. You are so young! You have so much opportunity to actually live the life you thought you would have when you married.

The first few months with a new baby can be absolutely terrible, for both parents. and no one warns you. It is hard for both ...but I have to say, especially for a woman... simply because of the fact that this child came out of her body. You can't help but be physically more attached. You go through nine months imagining you will be the best mother on earth, with the best baby, then you give birth to a seemingly screaming parasite who never shuts up. No matter how much you love your child, there is the huge, earth shattering realisation that your life will never again be the same. You suddenly realise you will never be free from fear again - ever - for the rest of your life. Your body changes. Your hormones change. All you want to do is look after your child, then become a child yourself. To sleep. Clean houses cease to be important. I can't explain why this is...but it is the reason many young Mums are wandering around in their dressing gowns all day like robots.

I doubt your wife sees you as her personal slave...she sees you as her ROCK. I would bet money on the fact that she would be totally horrifed if she knew how you felt right now.

Please...show her your OP. Even if you have to edit it. It sounds to me like she has not got a clue how 'used' you are feeling, and has just gotten used to the fact that you are obviously someone who just copes, just get's on with it...just does, without complaining.

I wish you all the luck and love in the world. Idleness is a horrible trait....but so are many others. Perhaps you are not so easy to live with either..?

GonzoAston

Kaz2904 wrote: »

.
The problem with working nights is that because evryone else goes to bed at night, they forget that you are working. They also have no idea how exhausting nights are and how sick you feel when you are getting no sleep. Most night workers have burst into tears over small things at some stage.

Very true. Ive done it a few times. Ive worked nights for 8 years now, and when you're run down and tired (alot easier to happen when working nights I find) then things seem 100 times worse. Ill never forget when I was outside of Holland & Barratt's and just broke down whilst xmas shopping (stressfull enough at the best of times). I'd been working 12 hours nights for 2 weeks without a night off and had had friends or family down (im from't north ) which meant I wasnt sleeping much during the day and at work all night.

The lady who was in work at H&B came out and brought me in. She sat me down and made me a cuppa. She also suggested a take some Gin Seng(sp?) tablets with me. I started taking them and sleeping properly and things improved greatly. I also realised I never paid for them so I went in a few weeks later with the money, a card and some flowers for her. She was so nice. :A

My point is, things do seem worse when you're exhausted.

Edit: It has happened since, but only when I havent slept hardly for a few days. Weekend just gone is a case in point. Im back on the Gin Seng again. St Johns Wart is supposed to help with feeling low too. Though, ive never tried it.

u01jet4

Steph998 wrote: »

But if there is still something there...even the tiniest glow...then fan it, breathe on it, bring it back to life.

Lovely words Steph998, they will help me too

UKTigerlily

Wow, i've just read all of this & OP, I think you sound like a really great person. Please don't walk out on them, I don't think you want that or will, I think you may well be suffering from some Depression, at least exhaustion anyway & this can make you feel like just leaving it all behind. It can be tempting to run from our problems, but they don't cease to exist when we do, your Son will still need you & want to know why you left him. You're NOT a bad role model for him, you sound like a really great Dad & Husband.

My first thought on reading this was that your Wife may well be suffering from Post Natal Depression. She may not even know it herself (If she is), i've got a disease called Bipolar Disorder & went many years before diagnosis just like your Wife. It wasn't that I didn't love my ex, I did. He did EVERYTHING round the house too & I wasn't able to work.

He'd come home & the place'd be a tip with me still in bed & nothing done, I didn't want to know him & all the time I felt he didn't love me anymore or care. I wanted to do everything, such as work & housework, but wasn't able to & how to tell him so he'd understand? You CAN'T understand unless you've been there.

I'm not saying she has PND, but she certainly could do, you also could be suffering from Depression. I'd personally make time to speak to your Wife, show her your OP, tell her you love her, how you feel, don't make her feel it's her fault, but agree to both be open & honest with each other & to let each other speak while the other listens.

I'm thinking you maybe need to do what many have already suggested:

1) BOTH see a Dr, together or seperately. If either of you do have Depression the quicker it's picked up the better & nobody will judge you, most Depression is easily treated nowdays.

2) Consider going to Relate, you can go alone or together. They can help you, even if they help you to learn how to communicate & how to work things out.

3) Childcare, I know you're not keen on it but it must be exhausting & if you're tired, it could be a problem (Slower reactions etc). Even one day a week could really help & it's good for the child IMO also.

4) Make time for yourselves, both individual 'free' time & as a couple & also with the littley.

5) A cleaner, this can be a huge help & well worth the money!

I'm wondering if there's anything your Wife hates to do, maybe cooking? Maybe you could say if you cook, will she do x/y/z that you hate to do? I never once cooked with my ex in 5yrs, well, longer as we lived together after we split up as friends also. Partly because i'm disabled & it's not safe to & partly cause I hate it & can't! Maybe she genuinely can't or doesn't feel confident, i'm 30 & won't make anyone tea or coffee as i'm not confident enough!

How's your Wife's relationship with your Son? As someone said it can mean housework just isn't as important anymore. I think there's alot of issues all coming together to make one huge problem & they need working on in small chunks, start small. You don't like her putting things on the cabinet, does she forget? Is it in a convenient place for putting things down? Like by the phone etc? Could you put a different one there & move it? I can't imagine she puts things there to spite you, obviously I don't know her but i'd hope not!

It may just be that it's in the sort've place that's somewhere to put things when the phone/door etc goes & she forgets to move them. Could you put a cover on it? Has it actually been damaged? Maybe just start with small things like that.

Anyway I can't be much help but please think positive, I can understand how it gets you down, but also the other side too having been the one that was 'lazy', in my case there was a genuine reason & I went on to have a 7 month breakdown, but either way, whatever's causing it with your Wife it's the same 'symptoms' as such, she's doing (Or not doing) what I did (Didn't) do!

I felt that my ex didn't love me, i'd gained weight & was down & was too low to bother anymore, if he didn't love me I didn't care about anything. Does she know you love her? I hope you work things out & come back as often as you need to, we're here for you x

GonzoAston

[\quote] Gonzo, I was thinking about this comment today on my return from work and it struck me, I’m the exact opposite to how you felt. My father was an alcoholic loser in an out of prison all my childhood, yet he would always show up again and my mum would always foolishly take him back, just to be made miserable by his exit once more. All I ever wanted was for him to disappear once and for all. When he eventually did the relief was enormous and everyone was much happier for it. I guess this would go some way to my thinking regarding my son being better off with out me. While a father figure is nearly always the best environment, sometimes a child knowing they have a loser as a father is surely more damaging. Knowing you come from a bad set of genes can mess with your brain at times, and make you question yourself. I worry my son will feel the same when he looks at me and see his father has not materialised to any thing other than on average wage in a mundane job who feels humiliated by his wife.

Out of interest do you know much about your father, and if you did and feel disappointed by the person he is, would you still want him in your life?[/quote]

Hello. My word, that was a long post, lol

Yeah, I know all about my father, although I havent spoken to him since he walked out. He has 2 other daughters, whom I got in-touch with via facebook a couple of years ago. I dont want him back in my life, as fair enough, he and my mum split, but that doesnt mean you split from your kids too, which he did, and never bothered trying to contact me or my sister.

Like others have said, you're a possitive role model for your son. You're a hardworking, loving family man as I see it. Whats your idea of a loser father? Mine idea, and sorry to be blunt, is what your father was to you. Do you really think that your son would benefit from you walking out? I dont. I think he would be better with a good role model as a parent that you seem to be. You just have some things going on, and just need to sit down and have a good old chat about it.


"""Gonzo I will check out the gin seng! You mentioned you were back on it but I could not sense if it was because you were low or because you enjoy it. I sensed it was because you were low, and wondered, do you think it is working nights that make you low, or you work nights because you feel low? I am still trying to work that question out myself.""""

Yeah, sorry. Back on Gin Seng as was feeling low again. Whether its mind over matter or not, I dont know. It works for me

Susan_Frost

My goodness, that was a long post. Now take a deep breath.

Thank you for so much feedback, we dont always get the indepth stuff, and it can be difficult to offer help at times.

Please dont compare yourself to your wife's family. You dont have to impress them, just judge yourself on your own values. You are doing great. You are only 24, give yourself a break. Things will come eventually. FIL cant have been such a good dad if he has spoilt his daugher to the extent she is selfish. I hope you will be teaching your son all you do so he can function well in the world when he grows up.

Would you feel able to show your wife these posts?
Why not have that talk and see if you can share the load more.

If it does not work, then you may need to tackle things differently.

Get a cleaner. Just 3 hours, one day a week would be sufficient to give the house a good clean, if it is tidy to start with. Then you know it is clean and you only have to keep it tidy. Though probably vacuum each day for son to play on the floor, wipe kitchen tops and billy whizz the toilet.

Do not make meals which are just for your wife. STOP IT

Dont do her ironing - you dont have to say anything or have an arguement, just do yours and the boys and leave hers in the ironing basket. Keep the ironing out of sight so you are not looking at it all the time.

Only tidy the house once a day, when you get up, so you have the benefit of it. Find a way in your head to ignore any mess created by her before you go to work and DO NOT CLEAR IT AWAY !!! It will leave until morning.

Get a dishwasher if you can afford it/have room. Not just for the washing up, but it does help to keep the kitchen looking tidy.

Spring is coming - get out during the day with your boy, try to interact with other people. I know it can be difficult when others are working. But do it. You need some fun too, and you can take baby with you. Get involved with something local that is held during the day. Other people work shifts, find them.

Have you covered that cabinet of yours up yet? Come on - get it done. Just small bits of taking control of the situation can make you feel positive.

It sounds like you do have good times in your marriage. She has always been like this, you know, but it tends not to be so noticeable/difficult to manage when there is just the two of you.

All the best.