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Mojisola

I've got to repeat what others have said - you are not getting enough sleep! Sleep deprivation can have long-term health problems. You must sort out things so that you get enough sleep.

If your wife won't respond to normal requests to do her share, then get a chart on the wall with the jobs listed and divided between the two of you.

Ignore the in-laws. If the best they could do was produce an idle, selfish daughter, they have nothing to get at you about!

After trying everything, if it doesn't work out, please don't walk out on them - take your son with you. You are by far the better parent.

tiamai_d

I need to have a rota for my DH. He sounds like your wife! Right down to the spoilt family! His mother did everything for him.

Have you ever left her a list of stuff to do? She could do the ironing when your sleeping, no noise and she can still stare at the telly.

I'd start with

Wash and dry dinner dishes
Tidy livingroom and kitchen
Quick clean of the bathroom

This should not take her anymore than an hour, it's what I do when the kids are in bed.

Actually as I am in a very cranky hormonal mood today I'd be inclined to slap her and tell her to grow up, but it's not the best of ideas really.

Girlzmum

2 1/2 hours sleep is nowhere near enough, you will do your health some serious damage by keeping that up. Does the baby nap during the day? Can you not sleep then?

nsms

talk 2 your wife about how you feel. if you still want to leave her, then do it, but make sure you will still be there for your son in anyway shape or form that u possibly can. dont just abandon him just like that.

dont stay in with your wife just because of your son. life is too short. if you are not happy. leave. find your happiness somehwre else. u deserve to be happy, and not the way that you are feeling right now.

goodluck.

squashy

Just something quick to add. Could it be that your wife just doesn't really know "how" to do it? I know that might sound really silly but I can remember feeling very overwhelmed by a messy house. I still do! If that is the case maybe start small, give her something to be in charge of eg the bathroom, whatever, and build from there. I learnt lots of tips from Flylady aswell www.flylady.com such as to just spend 10 minutes in a room tidying and then STOP.

grastgirl

Having read your posts OP, I think you might possibly be a saint and your son, in laws (and yourself) should be very proud.

You really should be getting more than 2.5hrs sleep a day, I hope you at least have a little nap when your son does. Bear in mind with that little sleep you're probably not fit to drive to work (or hospital if something terrible should happen to your son) as driving while tired can be worse than drink driving. Perhaps you could take your son to his grandparents for a few hours on odd days and get your head down at theirs while they look after him, gives them quality time while you get some sleep.

Would I be right in thinking that your wife moved straight from her parents home to the marriage home? If so, then I think she's just not grown up the way people who live alone/in a house share are forced to and so now you have to do the job her parents should have done and make her grow up. I think a rota may be the only option and while she's getting used to it, you'll have to grin and bear the mess and also nag occasionally.

Strangely I'm reminded of another post that was on here (or in the arms) where a guy was complaining about his sex life and people were saying that women in similar situations to yourself use sex as a bargaining chip. Now I'm not saying use it as a long term solution, but if you were to say no a few times, until she asked what was wrong and you used the opportunity to say "I'm using a despicable tactic usually utilised by women who feel unappreciated and exhausted by the unequal amount of work they put into the family home to make you see how important it is to me that this changes" she might take the hint.

verysillyguy06

Thanks for the post SillyGuy, I understand what you mean and do generally not contemplate leaving my son. It is scary when you begin to rationalise in your mind that your son will be better with out, but this is how I feel at times. Read above for my reply to Gonzo and you will see the leaving thing has more to do than just mundane thing like house cleaning. I just do not feel like a good role model, I do feel positive aspects about myself but my son is not going to grow up boasting to friends that his dad plays the role of a house wife and works a crappy job. Even if my wife did not re-marry and he did not have a positive father figure around all the time, his granddad in my wife’s father would play that role. He is a popular and wealthy man who would set a fine example to him, one I could never portray.




You seriously need to stop, you are like many people in a situation that they think its normal when it is clearly not...however many excuses you have, the amount of sleep is not healthy !!

I have done mammoth hours without sleep...you dont notice anymore the effects, but I bet you are becoming jumpier by the minute...its like an eating disorder !

One can get addicted to the feeling of managing...you have tried soooo hard to do what you think the best dad and husband on earth should do, overcompensating for the lack of your dad...wake up...it is not possible...!

You are beating yourself up and by hiding it in real and practical issues make it less visible..

..you are doing an impossible task and managing admirably...

Let me be harsh:Yes, things need to change, but you are too extreme...what if your wife wont manage? the next 'dad' willl not be doing the same things and guess who will suffer when 'princess' is not happy????

Please I do accept i am using shocks but do you really want to loose your son? how difficult would it be if you want to see him?

Thats is all part of your lack of sleep...crazy things and solutions like yours seem 'normal' and the best...I have done over 80hrs on the trot...i

saw green little men and played space ball with them...and it seemed all fine to me ( They called ernie, ramon and peet...they still bring me sometimes spacedust...)

Please do the right thing....stay and try and tackle each thing at a time !!

My father was willing to be treated like a leaper, he did not really care about us.... did not mind at first but lost all respect after many...many ...many years of seeing it...yes your situation need changing and it needs changing now...but tackle it head on !!!!!


Look, no honey from me as the other posters have done a great job, i am wanting to give you another perspective....

PLEASE STOP BEING A MARTHA BUT STAY AND CHANGE !!

Pee

nsms wrote: »

talk 2 your wife about how you feel. if you still want to leave her, then do it, but make sure you will still be there for your son in anyway shape or form that u possibly can. dont just abandon him just like that.

dont stay in with your wife just because of your son. life is too short. if you are not happy. leave. find your happiness somehwre else. u deserve to be happy, and not the way that you are feeling right now.

goodluck.

You do deserve to be happy, but do think really really carefully before you put yourself in a position where you may never see your son again. I do not think form your posts that you could be truly happy without him. I have seen a lot of people make this mistake, for various reasons and very few as good, imo, as yours, and I have seen them regret it and wish that they were back in that situation that they were complaining about.

But as the OP says, you should talk to her.

Just to let you know I am thinking of you.

Steel_2

OP you have a serious problem - you are too scared to open your mouth and tell your wife you've had enough. I'm not sure what you're scared of - perhaps that she'll leave you with the little one if you upset her?

You come across as someone who finds it difficult to stand up for themselves with people they really love. Do you think if you become assertive she will not love you any more?

I'm fairly convinced that if you told her how you felt, she wouldn't have a clue that this had been going on. You see, when she doesn't like doing something or doesn't want to do, she doesn't. She's assuming that you work the same way - so therefore, when you do the housework and work all hours, it's because you get satisfaction from doing it. Why should she do anything when you do it for her EVEN WHEN YOU'VE ASKED HER TO DO SOMETHING AND SHE HASN'T. Clearly in her mind, you must enjoy otherwise you wouldn't do it.

"Things improved for a few days without ever discussing this incident, I think she was a little shocked, so much so she even did the washing up that evening."

She gave you a helping hand on that occasion. BUT crucially, you didn't discuss it with her and tell her it was an ongoing thing, that you've felt bad for a long time and actually considered leaving. So right now, she thinks that was a one off because you had a bad day and needed a hand.

She may be lazy, but you're allowing her to be that way. You're both bad at communication and equally to blame for the situation getting to the point it has. Sorry for the tough talk, but no-one can make you feel the way you do unless YOU let them.

Hubby and I have been doing this game with each other since we met 5 years ago so I recognise it when I see it. We've only now realised we can actually tell each other when we're !!!!!! off with something without fear of the other one getting offended, upset or leaving. Ditto arguing. Did you know, hubby and I had our first argument at Christmas? :eek: Until then, both of us swallowed down our natural emotions and reactions to things thinking it wasn't nice or supportive or loving to confront each other or display anger.

He actually told me his parents had never argued in the 50 years they were married (that's why they'd been married so long he said) and was amazed when I asked his mum about it and she said they'd have some teribble hum-dingers during their marriage - but usually never in front of the children. His mouth just hung open. :huh:

That helped a lot - he understood a good marriage doesn't mean not arguing. Another thing that helped was us actually opening our mouths and telling each other how we felt, and accepting that part of the problem was I was brought up in a house with a domineering father that cleaned to very high standards (and therefore somehow expected that from my hubby too), and he was brought up with a submissive mum that did everything for him and enjoyed it (and therefore thinking that I would enjoy it like she did). I had to lower my expectation and he had to raise his. We had to treat each other like individuals and not pile our own beliefs and baggage onto the other person. We're not in the middle yet, but one day we will be.

Look at how your parents approached things like this, then look at hers and see if you can make any parallels to way you're living now and the roles you're playing.

Next time you ask her to pick up her washing from the floor and she doesn't, leave it on the floor and don't wash it so she has no clean clothes. Eventually she'll run out of knickers and do something about it.

paddy's_mum

If the two of you were stood in front of me now, I would be attempting to bang your silly heads together, honestly I would!

You for being so lacking in self esteem that you allow your wife to walk all over you and her for being so grasping and contemptuous. She is able to play the role of sofa-reclining empress because you let her and because you won't/don't/didn't speak up.

Are you aware that kindness can be taken too far, so that instead of being of value, it becomes another form of weakness? Does it occur to you that if you don't sort out the bedrock of respect within this marriage, all your long hours will be in vain since there won't be a family unit any longer?

She needs a kick up the backside for choosing to ignore the health and the welfare of the family and you need a clout alongside the ear for enabling her to do it. Talk to one another, for heaven's sake, before this whole sorry situation erupts into a disaster that can't be repaired.

She may be "pretty" but she sure as hell doesn't sound very loving unless you think that treating her husband, child and home with such slovenly disregard is the hallmark of genuine and unselfish love.

I wish all of you a happier and more balanced life in the future but it isn't going to happen unless you insist that changes come about - a grown woman shouldn't need a rota of chores put in front of her in order for her to see her fair share, should she? Good luck.