Empty

aliasojo

She might still have pnd, but imo it sounds more like the pair of you have fallen into a way of working that has just grown unevenly. You seem to have become something of a doormat and she is happy to wipe her feet. I dont believe for one second she means to, I think she is just so used to you doing everything that it's now so easy for her to just not bother. It probably doesn't even occur to her now tbh. This has nothing to do with respect, it's simply being unthinking.

You are now feeling so put upon and low, that unless things change, you will be the one with depression. I urge you to talk as soon as you can, quietly and calmly. Tell her exactly how you feel and about how unfair the situation is. You need to deal with this as adults so that your relationship can grow again and your little boy keeps his Mum and Dad.

This isn't a huge problem at the moment....it only becomes one if your wife cant or wont take on board your needs. Dont think about all this in your head yourself ....talk to her.

verysillyguy06

smoothgroove wrote: »

Hello Gonzo, haha yes family visits can be very stressful. Especillay when tired due to the most exhausting thing being putting on a happy face all the time!

I have to confess I have not gone in to detail about how I feel with my wife, I have been accused in the past of bottling things up, but she can see how I am affected by her lazyness, and if she loves me I feel she would surely be motivated to do something about it. I really do have the energy to work and look after the baby, I've always been very energetic, and I love looking after the baby, as they always say children fill you with energry and I know I'm priviliged to get to spend so much time with him. It's just so dejecting to come home to the place I spent the previous day cleaning, and in the few hours I've been away theres suddenly mess everywhere again.

It is only recently I have had thoughts about leaving. My wife is a pretty and sociable woman and I know she could soon meet someone else, and hopefully someone who could actually be a positive role model for my son. I just feel I have nothing worthwhile to pass on. I do have a small but very close family to lean on, the problem is I do not want them to see what I've been reduced to. Everyone thinks we're so happy and good together, and thinks highly of my wife. I like that image and want to keep it that way. I am also the eldest sibling and feel I have an example to set, and do not want to appear as someone who can't cope and needs help.

OI !!!!!

Dont you dare think like that !!! :mad: :mad:

I am a father myself and YOUR SON NEEDS YOU !!!

YOU...YOU are already that positive role model...you are overtired and stressed...

The mind does awful things then, your situation will appear hopeless in a tired out mind but it is not !

Talk to your wife, maybe get a babysitter, family to have son, have a nice couple evening and then approach the subject...make a rota...she could cook at w/es, do some house work...are your cleaning standarts as they are? Honestly? Blokes or shall I rather say certain people to stay PC, can get obsessed and disable one's partner...does she feel needed? Maybe you are too efficient... do not bottle it...do not leave without more tries at solving it


YOUR SON NEEDS YOU !!!!!!!!!


You sound a great person who cannot see the wood before the trees....well done for coming here but get some rest and then tackle it....good luck !!!

Susan_Frost

Please, please dont abandon your son. If what you say is true about the state of the house, etc. if left to your wife, then how do you think it will be for him? You are obviously a good dad, thoughtful and caring. He needs you. He also needs his mum. Perhaps you also both need more of each other.

As previously posted, your wife may have pnd, but also perhaps a general GP check up is needed anyway. She could have thyroid trouble, anything. She may have always been a bit lazy - but sometimes that just comes down to having different standards. Can she get on with things she likes doing?

Try to get a babysitter, or better still, have baby looked after for an afternoon at the weekend elsewhere so you can have a good talk at home. Any emotions will not be on show to outsiders and you wont be overheard by others. Try to explain exactly how you feel, but also get to know how she feels. What does she want. What is bothering her.

Get an agreement about sharing chores. It is usually easier if a person is totally responsible for something rather than having to notice it needs doing. I know it sounds like you have been down this road before, but try to get over to her how serious you feel about it. No arguement, no anger, just calm, reasoned discussion.

If you feel you cannot solve the issues together, try going to Relate. They are very good and help each partner to identify what they want, and also to see things from the other's perspective. GPs often have a counselling service too. I know there can be longish waiting lists, but if you get on the list your name will come up eventually. Or is there counselling available through either of your work organisations.

Have you a relative or friend who is trustworthy and cares about both of you who may talk to her? Or help you talk together, without being judgemental or giving advice.

Also, do you do things together, and with baby, at the weekend. You do need some together time. Sounds like both of you are alone in the house a great deal. Must be bored stiff, lonely and tied to the house. Spring is around the corner, try to get outside a bit - both of you.

Finally, your cabinet. Move it so she cannot easily put things on it. Can you put some protection on the top. Like the stuff you get for dining tables, with a nice cover over it. It can be very annoying when others dont respect your things, she will put stuff on it, so move it or protect it.

Good luck with it all. You will get lots of support on this site.

Flipped27

I know you said you weren't keen on childcare, but i really don't know how you manage working nights and then looking after a 1 year old every day?! I am on maternity leave with my 6 month old and the thought of going back to work AT ALL fills me with dread!! Let alone getting hardly any sleep as well.....

What about a compromise and putting baby in nursery or with a childminder just one or two days a week? Or three half days just so you can get some more sleep? In my experience, babies actually get alot of out of childcare, and a really part time place wouldn't mean they were there all the time, you would still be doing the majority of childcare We are all human and we all need a break sometimes.

As for your wife, sounds a bit like my husband to be honest - i have to literally TELL him when things need doing, he just doesn't see it.

At the moment, i do ALL the housework as I am home all day but when i go back to work in May we will have to share it (just like when i had my previous children) thats probably when the arguments will start in this house! But thats the way it is. Its important that the house is clean and run well and its not just one persons responsibility.

I wish you lots of luck - tell her how you feel, its a partnership and she needs to start pulling her weight, she might surprise you if you are brutally honest about how its making you feel.

Good luck

busiscoming2

You are a good role model and it would do no good leaving your son. I don't know anything about PND but enough posters have flagged it, that it must be worth exploring. I think you do need to talk to your wife, as has been said you probably both have different standards of cleanliness and 'tidy', this is usual in my experience. She may also not really appreciate how much you do and how tired you are. I think a cleaner or even as little as one morning in nursery so that you could at least get the chores done would help. I wish you luck and keep positive.

SandC

There's a lot of talk here about the wife possibly having PND, but to my mind, from what is written here, it is YOU, the OP who is suffering from the signs of depression.

This talk of leaving and being a loser and not been a positive role model for your son. How much more positive can you possibly be? You are there for your son every day of the week and your wife gets to do the fun stuff at the weekend - it's something of a role reversal.

Seriously, you need to lay things down on the line as you could be heading for a breakdown. The way you have been talking gives me cause for worry - it really does.

Please try to overcome this habit of bottling things up - you saw the reaction when you burst out crying. You don't want the next shock to be you having a full on episode of some sort.

Something needs to give and whilst I can understand that she is limited to what she can physically do in the evenings after 7pm, you could at least stop cooking a meal for her and if she wants to eat sweets then let her - at least there will be no dishes to contend with when you get in!

You need to talk, and talk fast!

loopy_lass

mmm, well just a short reply, but.... there seems to be a lot of issues all rolled up into one big mess. Can i respectfully suggest that you do a good/bad list and work thro them one at a time, to find a solution. Sometimes when lots of small things are rolled into one makes for a big scarey monster. Unravel it and break it down into its smallest components and try and deal with each one as a separate issue.

Im sorry you are finding things so difficult, i was made a single parent by surprise (he did one when dd was 8 months, he decided he didnt like it!!!)

i think you are taking on a lot of things which could be shared, try suggesting splitting chores, chill out and dont expect a palace when you have DS to look after, children dont mind the odd cup on the side, or a pair of socks on the floor, a dishwasher would help a lot, i beleive you can put baby bottles in them before sterilising them (?)... adults should understand you have other things to do imho.



i also disagreed strongly with childcare, but... a couple of hours or a morning to allow you to sleep im sure would help, and you would feel better.

I understand you feel you could just disappear, but i beleive thats not because of the "work load" its because you are shattered... as for your wife being pretty and being able to find someone else..... how are you going to explain that one to your son in xyz years??? come on, chin up, its not forever he will be at school soon, so you will have some time to sleep .. you will get thro this, as a team, but you need to start pulling as a team in the same direction...

all this is just my opinion, hth and welcome to parenthood.... its not easy.....

love loops

Kaz2904

You could be me a couple of years ago. My DH would moan if tea wasn't done though. He'd also moan if it was untidy.
The problem with working nights is that because evryone else goes to bed at night, they forget that you are working. They also have no idea how exhausting nights are and how sick you feel when you are getting no sleep. Most night workers have burst into tears over small things at some stage.

Over the years I've done the lot, ranting, raving, crying, shouting, leaving it, chucking it all away etc.
I think the last time I just didn't bother saying anything. I didn't shout or anything. I just didn't wash any of his clothes. I carefully sorted through the washing and left his where it was. If he had any mess downstairs then it was put on his side of the bed. He always used to moan about what was for tea so he had no tea cooked for him on plenty of occaisions.
Eventually he started pulling his weight a lot more. Now he gets onto me about the mess if he gets home and the house is untidy.
He still forgets to do the washing up in the evening when I'm at work so about once a week (generally when I'm out running the kids around), it will be left for him. Only when I've been in bed most of the day (my 2 are now at school). He'll come and moan about how he shouldn't have to do it when he gets home- nor should I. But he's been at work all day, and I've been at work all night, then done this that and the other and I'm going back to work again in a bit. Swap?

How about you say to her in the evening, I've done tea but the pans were too hot. I've left them soaking for when you wash up.
Or, Oh there's such and such programme on tonight, do you think you'll watch that after you've washed up? You can do the ironing while you watch it.
One thing that really annoys me is that DH WILL NOT put washing away at night. I can have it all folded and sorted but he won't put it away. He gets the piles and puts them back in the wash basket!

Pssst

24 is quite a young age to have all the responsibilities of marriage,children and all that it entails.

The same goes for your partner.

Having said that,your here now and you need to manage it. The incompatibility was there before you we married and perhaps you didnt see it then?

Once the initial excitement of love,lust etc fades,day to day life can sometimes seem very depressing and humdrum with nothing much to look forward to except more of the same.

I suspect that you are a little depressed and if you get into that cycle,it can often get worse.

Its quite strange but in many close relationships,we do actually find it very difficult to talk and say what we want. this is often because we are scare of hurting the other person but in reality,saying nothing is more hurtful in the longer term.

You and your partner need to have an open and honest discussion and maybe set some rules about who does what and when.

Amanda65

I agree with the above poster - you sound like the person in need of help (not that it means your wife doesn't as well).

From reading though your post and a couple of responses, it sounds to me as though you and your wife have got into a complete rut and need to actually spend some time talking to each other about how you feel.

You seem to need to have complete control - you don't want the baby in childcare, therefore he doesn't go - you want to save all your money so that's what happens - you want your wife to not eat sweets in the evening so prepare her meals - you want the house spotless so give instructions about where items can be placed. I'm not criticising you, much of what you are doing is comendable, but does your wife have any say in any of this . Have you sat down and spoken to her about how you feel and tried to sort out a solution. Perhaps some of the things that are important to you aren't to her, therefore she doesn't feel the need to rush around getting them done.

I also wondered about whether your wife wanted a baby just yet (sorry if that's too nosey). It's just that you said she took a while to take to parenthood so I wondered if it was actually part of her life plans? If not she could feel a little resentful (no matter how much she loves your son).

It sounds to me as though tiredness plays a huge part in your problems - everything seems so much worse when you are knacked, so I think the main thing you need to sort out is your sleep.

Could you get your son some childcare a couple or afternoons a week , with your wife picking him up on the way home from work? That would give you those two days when you could sleep through from lunchtime until you ahve to get up from work whilst still spending plenty of time with your son.

And I really would recommend some counselling for both you and your wife as a couple - you have been together since you were both very young and marriage and parenthood is tough.

Whatever you do though, do not abandon your son - you sound like a fab dad.