Empty

SandC

Just a note on the post natal depression issue. From how you've described your family life I personally didn't see this, but can understand why others have. But depression whether post natal or otherwise is caused by something happening in the brain - it can be triggered by an event and often childbirth (which is the reason why there is a specific condition related to post natal) and is in no way connected to how fortunate you are, what a good upbringing you've had, what a good baby you have or what a fantastic life you have.

It doesn't work like that - you cannot simply way 'what does she have to be depressed about?'. It's a chemical reaction in the brain.

But as I said, you don't appear to be describing any symptoms of it - she does purely seem to be lazy and likes being looked after. Mostly people who have been spoilt at home will be a different person once they have their own place, realising everything that has been done for them and, well, quite simply, growing up. You need to talk to her and change things, perhaps gradually. At the moment I am sure that she genuinely doesn't realise how lazy she is being and how deeply this is affecting you. Basically she needs to be nagged!

margaretclare

I agree - PND is not simply a matter of 'what has she to be depressed about?' There are different types of depression.

Sometimes there is a 'reactive' depression - I had that following widowhood and redundancy. I was told by a consultant psychiatrist that with life events such as those, it would be abnormal NOT to be depressed!

In earlier years, I too had PND. Some would have said then that I had little or nothing to 'be depressed about'. PND is something that happens following the huge hormonal, physical, social and chemical changes in pregnancy, childbirth and the postnatal period. It doesn't always manifest itself immediately. In the most extreme form it's called puerperal psychosis.

About being childlike and liking Harry Potter and fantasy literature, she's not alone! My younger daughter loved all those, the Terry Pratchett books and any other fantasy literature she could lay her hands on, and she was far from being childlike, in fact, from an early age she was more mature than most.

I agree with all the advice given above by Susan Frost. In particular, I have always been against the idea of making meals separately for one member of the household. I once knew a woman who would make 3 separate evening meals for husband and grown-up sons because they all 'would only eat' different things. She went without herself, because this is an incredibly expensive way of catering! I also knew a woman who was being run ragged by 5-year old son because 'he won't eat school dinners, he'll only eat this or that, and I have to rush home for him in the middle of a working day'. 'Making a rod for your own back' is the phrase that springs to mind.

Pee

hamstercheeks wrote: »

my OH was in the sameboat. He worked full time,got up with the babies during the night, did washing/cooking/cleaning

but there was a difference his wife wasn't working:rolleyes:

he's not there anymore unsurprisingly:D

I can quite understand why your OH left his ex. Did that mean that he lost contact with his children?

lynnexxxo

Hi there,

I'd also just like to say 2 and a half hours sleep is not enough. You need to get more, long term you can not function on that. Yes the child is your responsibility but theres nothing wrong with getting a childminder for a few hours so you can get some sleep.

I'm not defending your wife but its a thankless task tidying up toys, by the time I've put them away my ds's have got more out! I am not saying live in a hovel, but surely a few toys lying about isn't that big a deal?
I think we are all seduced by these show house pics in magazines with their shiny surfaces with no finger marks, no clutter and everything in its place. Seriously, is there anyone with children that can keep there house like that?

Mrs_Moc

I dont think your wifes laziness is such a big problem that it is beyond solving. Your own lifestyle and work commitments are also contributing to this problem and again can be easy sorted.

If your unhappy in your job or not happy with the hours then look for something else, I know thats easier said in the current climate but not impossible.

If anyone in your household is depressed I would say its you. Your wife is bound to be picking up on your unhappiness, if not you must be exhausted from hiding it so well.

Simple conversation and explaining to her how you feel is the only way forward.

I think you also have issues with your own self esteem, who cares what people think? Money is not everything, and personal happiness is so much more important.

2 1/2 hours sleep would be enough to make anyone grumpy I would defintely do something to change this.

I think you need to make changes in your life, but walking out is a really bad idea.

UKTigerlily

Just going to go back & read your post, OP, but you asked what does she have to be depressed about? Depression doesn't work like that! Having a baby causes PND, but in my case it's a brain problem, the chemicals are messed up & there's damage to the front lobal part. You see the rich & famous with Depression, you could have the best life in terms of money/family etc but still have Depression.

If you met me you'd be shocked, most people when they find out how I am say but you of all people can't have Depression, if she's cheerful etc it doesn't mean she's faking it, it's hard to describe, it just subconsciously happens, to most i'm the funniest person they know & always smiling, yeah right!

PND can come on months after the birth & it's difficult to always tell for reasons you describe, it does sound as though something is wrong though but she may not have it, your post upon reading it screams PND though! Some people *are* just lazy, my Stepsister being one of them. I just think it shouldn't be ruled out, or you having Depression for that matter, it's a very misunderstood illness as your reply shows & could be a contributing factor, again it may well not be, but only a Dr will know. Ok i'll go read the rest now!

UKTigerlily

Ok i've read it! What comes across now, quite strongly IMO, and this is just the way it appears to me, is that your Wife has been spoilt so either doesn't know any different or expects everyone to be her skivvy, maybe because you do things she doesn't bother, she knows you'll do it!

I also see it as you want to provide for & look after your family but maybe feel abit emasculated (If that's the word?), maybe because you're trying to work, to look after your Son, to keep the house nice all without help? I totally understand about wanting to be there for your Boy, and to want to work, and to have to do it all around the house can't be fun.

I know how it can get you down, what others say. But sod them! Do you get on with her Parents? Could you go to see them & have a chat with them & see if they can help? As in, help to get their Daughters !!! into gear!

My Stepsister is a lazy thing, she had a premature baby with her ex b-f & he was about your age I believe & doing everything, for her, their baby + her Daughter from a previous relationship who was about 3 at the time. It's not fair on you at all, but I strongly do NOT think your Son will be disappointed or ashamed of you, I think he'll grow up with good values & treat women well, will know how to look after himself (How many of us wish our guys could do half of what you do, Op!) & I think he'll be owing it all to you.

You sound like a fantastic Hubby, I mean just the fact that you care enough to come here, tell all to complete strangers who can at times be b1tchy, and to express it so well, i'd've given anything for my ex to communicate even half so well. I think you need to show her this post, maybe let her read it, or even write her a letter?

You come across as more than reasonable, i'm wondering if you wrote to her & left her to read it, if it'd help? When we speak to each other it can get heated & come across badly when we don't mean it to, maybe be open & honest, make sure you let her know how much you love her & don't mention leaving or anything, but tell her how you feel & ask for help?

Keep us updated whatever you do x

liney

OP, your wife and yourself need to create a rota. It is simply not acceptable that a wife and mother cannot tidy her own mess or clean her own home. I would work out some "quiet" jobs which she can do when you are asleep and purchase some earplugs to combat her cries of "But i might wake you up after you have been awake for 20 hours straight" (!!) and tell her to get on with it!

If she protests to any great degree then take her to the Doctors, but to be honest it sounds like she has become accoustomed to the faires doing the work like a lot of men i know, and if it was posted that way as Leila did a couple of weeks ago the responses would all be to tell him to pull his finger out.

Of course, if she feels she is hard done by, perhaps she could set her alarm and only sleep for the few hours you get each day and see how she feels after just a couple of days.

spaghetti_monster

Hi there,
Sorry I haven't read absolutely everything, but I just wanted to comment on something (as some other posters have done): you say that your FIL is a better role model for your son than you as he is wealthy and popular. Then you later say that you find some of your inlaws materialistic.
In my opinion (just my personal view point), I don't think that being wealthy and popular are the best things to aspire to. Some of your own characteristics (from my quick read) I find much more appealing - you seem hard-working, determined, you care for your son, you really want to overcome your problems and improve your life and relationships.

Also, I would seriously weigh up the value of enough sleep/quality of life versus working so hard to save for the future. Again, it's only my personal view but I would much much rather have a better quality of life in the present than work myself to the bone to make big savings for the future. Actually in reality, I try to find a balance - you do need to save/watch the pennies but not at the expense of your present quality of life.

Good luck!

UKTigerlily

alex_w wrote: »

Hi there,
Sorry I haven't read absolutely everything, but I just wanted to comment on something (as some other posters have done): you say that your FIL is a better role model for your son than you as he is wealthy and popular. Then you later say that you find some of your inlaws materialistic.
In my opinion (just my personal view point), I don't think that being wealthy and popular are the best things to aspire to. Some of your own characteristics (from my quick read) I find much more appealing - you seem hard-working, determined, you care for your son, you really want to overcome your problems and improve your life and relationships.

Also, I would seriously weigh up the value of enough sleep/quality of life versus working so hard to save for the future. Again, it's only my personal view but I would much much rather have a better quality of life in the present than work myself to the bone to make big savings for the future. Actually in reality, I try to find a balance - you do need to save/watch the pennies but not at the expense of your present quality of life.

Good luck!

I totally agree with the above. Personally i'd like you to get more sleep, OP. You may not think you need it, but you should have at least 6 hours! Looking after a 1yr old, working & running a house are tiring & your body needs time to rest. You don't want to end up exhausted for the little un's sake!