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Bettyboop

smoothgroove, I haven't read every reply but most importantly deserting your son because of problems with your wife is by no means the best way to go about this. If you choose this option come later in life you will most certainly regret it. My mother came to the UK to attend my wedding and never went home. She had built up so much resentment towards my father and as a result my brother now 18 has many problems. It's not easy for a child to understand why things happen but being deserted by mom or dad can be one of the worst feelings ever. In the contrary I do 99% of the housework as I like a clean and tidy home. Like you I am not obsessive but find it uncomfortable to relax if everything like laundry starts getting too much. Instead of talking to your wife how about writing her a letter? State everything you have said here but also make it very clear that you are surviving on little to no sleep as well as trying to raise a baby. That's one of the most important jobs in the world. In a nice way say what you would like her to do even if you have told her 100 times. Leave the letter for her to find when you have already gone to work... that way when the baby is asleep she can digest and think about everything. You both work, the baby is both of yours and the housework should be shared equally regardless of who works during the day or the night. All the best I hope you get everything sorted out soon.

tsstss7

OP I wonder if in some way your wife feels like you have "taken over"? and has just stepped back and let you get on with it. She is a mother but you do most of the the child care and the housework too. Maybe she just cannot see what her role is in your household and perhaps is maybe a touch resentful and so doesn't help and acts more like a child of the house instead.

You do sound a bit controlling - how would you feel if your wife was giving you "rules" rather than asking you nicely to do or not do something?

Also I agree with posters above you really should organise your day so you have the possiblity of at least 8 hours sleep. I know you can get used to managing on less but your health and general wellbeing will get worse if you do not start to get more sleep and your LO needs you to be in good shape for him in the day.

angie12

There is some great advice on here already. I seldom post, but, you sound so like my younger self, I couldn't resist. I've been there and done all that.
I too, began breaking down with stress at 24 years old. Like you, I did everything in the home. Pleas for help from my partner fell on deaf ears. He'd just say, "Leave it then, no one is making you do it." I was knackered, constantly felt hurt and eventually weak and worthless. Apart from the occasional row, I just let all the stress and burning resentment build up inside me. I'd push myself harder, trying to be the perfect wife/mother. I piled the pressure on myself by doing more, not less. I thought that if the house was messy, people would blame because I'm the woman.

Then I was diagnosed with a life changing chronic illness. I strongly believe the stress has caused it.

It shouldn't have taken an illness to make me find my backbone.
I just didn't understand that some people aren't fair minded and are downright selfish and that's the way they are, they just can't help it.
They don't do it on purpose, they don't even realise what your going through. To them, it really isn't such a big deal.

If you don't stand up for yourself now, you'll look back in years to come and nothing will have changed except you'll suddenly realise :eek: your not young anymore!

Don't worry about what your inlaws think of you. They are watching their daughter run you into the ground. Oh,They probably feel bad about it, but, they'll make themselves feel better by saying it's your own fault for allowing it.
If she loves you she will change her idle ways. If she doesn't, there are plenty of others out there that would love a hard working lad like you. Sit her down and lay your cards on the table, if she slips back to her lazy ways, leave her and stay away for a few weeks. Give her a taste of your exhausting lifestyle.

My partner told me he only sat up and took notice when I told him he could do/not do, whatever he wanted because I just didn't care any more. He said it scared him.

I have had to learn to be selfish for my own healths sake and am surprised at the sense of freedom it's given me. Days spent laid in bed in agony have changed my priorities.
My partner does more than his fair share now, because I can't. He's loving, patient and kind and I love him for it, but, I can't help thinking if he'd been a little more supportive all those years ago, we would have had a much happier life.
The kids are grown up now and we have lovely grandchildren. We should be having the time of our lives but we're not, because I'm often too poorly for us to go anywhere.


I do feel happier now it's all finally all sorted out, but, I still feel a little sad knowing now, that whatever I had feared would happen if I stood up for myself - probably wouldn't have happened after all. I also know it is nobody's fault - but my own. I let it happen.
You only have one shot at life, you can't go back and change things, you have to do it now! Don't find yourself 10 or 20 years from now, regretting wasting precious years waiting for someone to change their ways when that 'someone' is you!

Your obviously a great dad and your son will love you no matter what. Make sure no more children come along until it's sorted out. You've got enough on your plate as it is.
Don't waste the best years of your life waiting to be respected or appreciated. Stop worrying what other people will think of you, Think about it, does it really matter what anyone else thinks? You know yourself. Put yourself in your wife's shoes. Could you let her run herself ragged? No, so don't let her do it to you. When you make a stand it will either make or break your relationship. I think you'll find your new stronger self will make her appreciate you much more - it worked for me.

Respect yourself, then you'll be respected - believe me, it really is that simple.
good luck.

loopy_lass

just a little snippet i heard today.... can be applied to all kinds of issues, but.....

sometimes we focus on the problem and not the solution..

i think this is true, and when we focus on the problem and not the solution, we have no time to find it....

hth loops

Phatmouse

Only read your first post but have you asked your wife how she feels about childcare. You choose to look after the child, but you wife may well prefer the child to go to nursery so you can get some sleep, it sounds to me like she has PND and you are choosing to take too much on and getting ratty about it. My partner wanted me to not put my kids in nursery on a friday because he is over precious about them (there is such a thing) when I go to college as he works from home on a Friday, but it would mean he got no work done, if he was called in I would have had to miss a day, then he would complain even more about the amount of work he had to do and the little time he had to do it in. I stood my ground everyone is happy, he knows they are safe, they love it and come back so much wiser each week and I am almost qualified. Might be worth thinking about how much pressure you put on her when I had PND I just gave in and agreed to anything even if it was a ridiculous suggestion.

Hope it works out x x x

notisis

Talk to the wife. Explain how it is. No accusing. Just say "I can't survive on 2.5 hours sleep". And "I'd rather my one cabinet is kept clean". Ask her "What do you suggest - how do we split childcare and home chores?" Book an appointment if necessary at the weekend where you both go for a coffee in a neutral environment and be careful to keep your tone light.

If she says you do it - then you know where you stand. It may well be savings can go out of the window for the next few years. It may be one or both of you can go part time or ask for help from family members. Amazingly you can survive on less if needs must, providing the rent/mortgage and standard bills are paid. Look at your expenditure but do it together so you both have input.

I must admit for days I asked other half to wash up and eventually (after 4 days) got so fed up I simply emptied the whole of the sink (glasses, plates, cutlery) into the bin and told him well that solved your problem didn't it?! Only thing was it cost to buy some new stuff! Things improved for a while but not for long. He just doesn't see dirt or understand that it gets to the point where an untidy home actually makes me depressed. Sometimes I'd rather not bother coming home from work. Most men simply don't see the mess.

smoothgroove

Thank you so much for all your help :-)

Zara33

smoothgroove wrote: »

Thank you so much for all your help :-)

Help that could well of helped others but you delete your original first post