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kyssyn

*Hug* You're not pathetic and you're not a loser. You're angry and embarrassed and that's quite understandable. However, I don't think her laziness automatically means she has no respect for you.

You say she's always had a lazy streak but it's gotten worse since she's had the baby. Could she have post-natal depression? One of the ways which depression can manifest is through laziness as it causes unmotivation and tiredness. If you think it's a possibility you should discuss it with her and try to persuade her to go to a doctor. PND is quite common and nobody will look down on her/you for seeking help with your issues.

Secondly, I know you're not keen on child minders but I'd recommend reconsidering. It would allow you to get a (much needed!) break and focus more of your attention on your relationship.

I'm sure others will be along shortly to offer their advice too

GonzoAston

My god,

I can understand how you feel to an extent. I work nights also, so know how hard it is to get things done during the day. However, I dont have children, so dont have to stay up all day looking after them, and I still get tired. I feel for you. I think the way you're feeling is due to you being very run down, and tired.
I had family here just for 1 weekend, the weekend just gone, and I was exhausted and actually burst out crying in the middle of town for no reason, just through exhaustion.

Have you spoken to her about all these feelings? I will add one point, I really dont think that walking out on your Son will have a possitive impact on him. My father did this (when I was 9) and believe me, he will think you more a loser if you walk out permanently, than if you stay.

Have you got no other family support to turn to for help? It does sound like your wife needs a kick up the !!!!, but is she suffering from depression or anything?

elaina79

Why have you ruled out the PND. As a sufferer of it myself it took quite a few months for my husband to realise what was wrong with me. At the time I had no motivation to do anything and when my daughter was about 1 and a half I started working again. For me this was my way of "dealing with it". I had been on antidepressents but had stopped them, and just buried myself in work. I didnt want to admit to anyone how I felt but now I realise that I was just avoiding things.
My husband like you was at home with the kids all day and did everything, until it got to much for him.

You say that she is now outgoing with friends and family, but that is more than likely her cover. She may not want people to know how she feels when at home, I didn't and hid it as much as I could.

I would try and approach the subject with her and sit down and tell her how you feel, otherwise the situation is going to get much worse.

I wish you all the best.

GonzoAston

It sounds to me (not an expert or anything, have to say) that you are putting too much upon yourself.

As the eldest sibling, you may feel that you have an example to set, sure. But running yourself into the ground cant be a good example really. You sound really nice, and just want to help everybody out

Can you plan an evening where a family member babysits for you, and have a nice relaxing evening out with your wife, and try to talk it over? I know you're doing alot in the house, but remember, she's in work all day and then looks after the baby too in the evening. It maybe that she just wants to focus on him, more than the housework?

It may take a long time to get into a proper routine

Edited to say, dont mean you dont do your share with him. Just that maybe she finds it harder to get into a routine with everything? Just a suggestion. But, until you talk to her, may never know.

leiela

I had a similar problem when myself and my husband got married, after the kids where born i seemed to spend my whole life running around after him and kids while he sat on his !!! and watched TV. I got very angry and resentful, annoyed because housework needed doing and why the hell was i always the one doing it.

Things came to abit of a head and one day i just ranted at him.. ranted and raved like a lunatic for about 3 hours about how lazy he was, couldn't he see housework needed doing?? did he think the pixies did it?? there was two of us in the house, we both worked why was he leaving it all to me??

things got better for a while and sure enough slowely slipped till we where back where we where, this went on for a few years and i really was ready to leave.

Finally i decided that was it i was going i couldn't cope anymore, so sticking to my guns i told him that we where over and that i couldn't cope anymore, if i was going to raise the kids alone while he sat his !!! in front of the TV, i'd rather REALLY be alone, at least then i wouldn't end up frustrated hoping that one day something would happen and he'd change.

tbh he was really shocked, he knew things where bad but i think the fact that i was ready to leave over it really shocked him, yet again he appologised and we talked. thing is what came to light was that fact that even though i'd had the odd rant in the past when it came to housework, it was always done and he just didnt think about it.

He wasn't trying to be disrispectful and he wasn't knowingly leaving me to all the work, housework was just something that never came up on his radar of things to do and because i always kept ontop of it the house never got bad enough that he'd realise it needed doing. (he and me still have different idea's of WHAT is clean)

After that we worked at it, i explained everything i did in a day, he told me everything he did in a day, and tbh i don't think he realised how much i did.

10 years later he's still TERRIBLE at housework, it still doens't come up on his radar he's not disrepectful, he just doens't think.

Things we've found that helped are.

If something needs doing i have to TELL him to do it, i can't assume he'll figure it out.. if i don't ask him to do something it WON'T get done.. period. But if i tell him XXX needs doing can he do it while im at work he will... he'll moan about it he'll complain that he's tired, but my usual response is im tired too but it won't do it's self.

Give him set jobs he's expected to do EVERYDAY.. my hubby does the dishes he knows if they arn't done by the time i get home he doens't get tea.. end of story, but the routine of doing the same job everyday makes it easier for him to remeber.

i write a list of jobs that need doing everyday on the fridge, and i EXPECT him to look at it do a couple and cross them off. its stupid but he won't "THINK" about doing housework and even if he does he doens't understand what needs doing "cleaning the skirting boards" for example would never enter his head.

Lastly i get most of the housework done at weekends while he's there, i start cleaning and say things like "this will get done quicker if you help, while i do XXX why don't you do YYY then we can BOTH take the kids out and do something nice"

My husband is lazy and was spoild by his parents but he does love me, i know it's insanely annoyying when you have a partner like this but it might just be that like my husband cleaning doens't come up on your wifes radar, maybe you need to sit down talk to her and work out a system of spliting up the housework together.

Paparika

Amazing the OP describes being the wife of the family in the form of what he does in the house, is complaining that the wife is lazy and does nothing. blimey women have had this for donkey's years and we are told to just get on with it.


Seriously though, OP you can't assume based on your wife's behavior that she is not PND, its her gp that does that, the illness can manifest it's self in many ways.

You say you sleep when your wife gets home from a full time job, so she won't be able to do any of the noisy jobs... vacuum etc as she may wake you up.

I think you are overtired, and stressed, running a household does that to you.

Perhaps it's time to reconsider the childcare, perhaps working nights is not good for any of you.

tattoed_bum

hi im not surprised you are exhausted , but something has to give and i dont think it should be your marriage .
surviving on a couple of hours sleep isnt good for any of you ,
how does your child sleep at night ,by that i mean it could be that your wife is up in the night with the baby so she may be exhausted to .
i think that you should reconsider child care if only for a couple of hours a day so that you can get more sleep ,sleep depravation can cause even the smallest problems seem a huge deal .
if you cant/wont have child care how about investing in a cleaner a few hours a week ,
this may seem like a luxury but it may make you feel less put upon .

but also do not dismiss the idea of pnd as a i also had this my dh would tell people that i was coping amazingly well but inside i felt like i was a mess ,women are good at hiding it ,i didnt want people to think i could cope or that i was a bad mum , but pnd is a horrendous thing for the people who suffer from it .
good luck with things and i do hope that the 2 of you can come to some sort of compromise in the future .

cross posted with meeps i agree with them lol

generaloneill

lmao, lolololol

jayII

I agree with leiela. If you've always done all the housework, your wife is probably just unaware of how much there is to do with a baby in the house. Have you ever sat down and shared out chores? That would be my first step on your situation. Try to pick a time when you're least tired, and sit her down. Tell her you're exhausted and need something to change, then make a list of everything that you both do over the week--e.g. 7 loads of laundry, vacuum 3x, wash up 3x daily, putting LO to bed each night, and so on. Ask her to help you share the tasks out equally, bearing in mind that some things are difficult to do in the evenings, in case they wake the LO.

I'd also consider looking again at childcare, or seeing if a friend/relative could help out. At least for a few hours a week, to allow you to get some sleep. It might be worth seeing if you can spend some quality time together as a couple--it's much easier to sort out problems and see a partners' point of view if we feel 'connected' with them.

chatnoir

Good you not get a cleaner a few hours aweek....I know that doesnt solve the problem of a lazy wife but would give you more time to just sit and not worry for a while.