Another OH with debts

Lois_and_CK

Great news about your daughter - congratulations!

I think you're being very sensible making your children and the roof over your heads the priority. And you're doing the right thing in giving him another chance of talking it over properly with you - I do hope he responds well and takes some responsibility this time.

On a smaller scale, CK wasn't too receptive to MSE ways at first and had a few strops when he came to use the kettle and it was switched off at the wall for example. But he slowly came round and now he tells me off if I leave lights on and so on. I know they're different situations, but I tell you this because it could sounds like you're the sort of person to efficiently get on with dealing with a problem straightaway, whereas your OH might need some time to come round to it?

ladybez

You've hit the nail on the head there Lois and ck!! His debts have been mounting up since at least 2000 and only within the last 6 months has he actually come round to admitting it is a problem!!
Continued thanks to everyone for their help and support.xx

dumpy

ladybez wrote: »

I still can't believe how much people want to help and this alone has made me feel better and more able to cope.

We want to help because some of us have been there and know that it is a lonely place and very stressful. I was lucky I had someone in real life who let me talk and I really did need to talk.

Congratulations to your daughter on her job. :j

ladybez

Tiny glimmer of light!! Some of OH's cards and loans are covered by PPI and he was off sick for about 8 weeks last year and had put in claims which appear to have been accepted. Hopefully that will take cards to within limits. Also my manager has suggested I put my name on the Bank list so, when I feel up to it, would be able to work an extra shift a week. Will look into this today

laura2481

ladybez wrote: »

Tiny glimmer of light!! Some of OH's cards and loans are covered by PPI and he was off sick for about 8 weeks last year and had put in claims which appear to have been accepted. Hopefully that will take cards to within limits. Also my manager has suggested I put my name on the Bank list so, when I feel up to it, would be able to work an extra shift a week. Will look into this today

Ok, this next post may come across harsh, but please understand it's not to be nasty..

Right- WHAT ARE YOU DOING???!!!
Why are YOU thinking of doing extra shifts to pay his debt?
Why are YOU looking at his statements and PPI and trying to sort it out?
And I am horrified by the idea you are glad your daughter has a job so that you will have a little extra money- I hope you were not thinking of using that money to pay HIS debts. Is that fair, your daughter essentially working to pay her father's debt off? (of course, if you are using that money for yourself and the other kids to make things easier then that's fair enough)
HE NEEDS TO SORT HIMSELF OUT
If you continue to bail him out, sort out his finances and pay his debt when he won't even tell you where this money has gone, he will never learn and keep going around in a vicious circle.
You need to confront him. it's not going to be nice. He's probably going to be defensive, he may even threaten to leave... but until he realises what he is doing to you and your family then this is NEVER going to be resolved.

And sorry to say this again but 80k is a lot of money. And no matter what he says, this hasn't been spent on 'this and that' and 'nothing in particular'. He is lying to you if he says this. Especially as you take care of mortgage, holidays etc

Stop trying to sort out his mess. Look after yourself. Look after your children. AND MAKE HIM SORT HIMSELF OUT. It is HIS responsibility, not YOURS.

So, like I said- it sounds harsh. Put I read all your posts, and everyone else's on this thread and it makes me so sad that you seem to be doing exactly what you said you would not do at the beginning: continue to be taken for granted. So don't be hurt if this message is harsh, I'm actually saying it because I care.. honestly.

Hugs
Laura
xx

[Deleted User]

Hi Ladybez

I have read through all of the posts and whilst it is great that you are beginning to understand your other's debts etc., I too am worried that you are taking on the responsibility of "sorting" these problems out. I think it is called "enabling".

He needs to step up, own up, seek treatment, sort out his problems (with you by his side if that is what you want), and make a lot of amends. I understand why you are doing this as it would probably be my first response too, but you are his partner not his mother.

I still think there has to be more to these debts that cocaine (unless he was dealing???), that is a lot of money.

I have friends who have had cocaine addictions of varying degrees, and an awful lot more "debt" was uncovered following their first "confession" and one of my friends had some very unsavoury people turning up at the door demanding money (she couldn't pay and their house was "burgled" the following week).

Please don't take this the wrong way, I don't want to scare you, but if your OH isn't sorting out this mess, then I think there may be more heartache to come.

I wish you all the love and strength in the world.

ladybez

Sometimes it takes an "outsider" to state what should be blatantly obvious!! I personally feel that there are more "revalations" to come yet. I am only helping to sort this out insofar as I am ensuring that I and the children are not left homeless. Rest assured that I have no intention of repaying his debts and DDs contribution will Not be going towards his debts. Joining the bank seems to be a non starter at present as I had 5months sick leave last year following a bout of meningitis (any monies from this source would have gone towards "fireproofing" myself. Once again thanks for your support and hugs.xx

RAS

ladybez

I know you only have a fairly small amount of debt from you SOA, but it would be a good idea to do what you can to reduce this even further in case things go pear-shaped.

Based on your SOA, you are effectively raising the whole family on your incoem anyway as the whole of OH's only pay his debts off. If you can use this time to reduce your liability for unsecured debt it would be a good idea.

laura2481

ladybez wrote: »

Sometimes it takes an "outsider" to state what should be blatantly obvious!! I personally feel that there are more "revalations" to come yet. I am only helping to sort this out insofar as I am ensuring that I and the children are not left homeless. Rest assured that I have no intention of repaying his debts and DDs contribution will Not be going towards his debts. Joining the bank seems to be a non starter at present as I had 5months sick leave last year following a bout of meningitis (any monies from this source would have gone towards "fireproofing" myself. Once again thanks for your support and hugs.xx

good for you. More hugs
laura
xx

ladybez

Thanks RAS. Barclaycard paid off in in process of getting account closed. £150 paid off my RBS card. Have transferred 4500 from egg to 0% tesco card. THEN it cost me £200 to get dd's car fixed!!!! talk about 2 paces forward and 1 back!!