Another OH with debts

ladybez

There is some really good advice on here and I intend trying to put it into practise, I really do wish he would talk to anybody about this but is disparaging about any form of councelling.
Steel, as posted somewhere most of his cards are over limit and in arrears. Initially his cards were being used for purchases, but more recently for cash withdrawls, as I said, It looks like borrowing from Peter to pay Paul but now neither are happy!!
Jenna many thanks for taking the time to trawl thru' what I have posted, I know I ramble at times!! I have been tempted to take the children and leave but unfortunately neither of my parents are alive so would probably end up going to his parents which would be far from ideal!!

Paulgonnabedebtfree

thevinternet wrote: »

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He won't be fully onboard unless he comes completely clean about how he got into the debt,

I would want some paper evidence too.
Saying "gambling" is too easy. It's the easiest, and least offensive, thing to say if trying to hide something else such as drugs or other women, as there's often no paper trail. I think drink is probably unlikely as that's often easier to spot as symptoms are more widely known.

ladybez

I have checked computer history and can't find any evidence of online gambling, he doesn't go out at night so, unless it is someone from work, another woman is unlikely, will do some searching around about drugs

JayJay7777

Hey LadyBez

Hope you are doing ok! I have been speaking to my gf about your situation because it was so similar to ours as I have said before. Though the debt is mine I know that she shares the pain withe the creditors phone calls and letters which is upsetting because I never want to hurt her

She has said that if you need to chat to someone who understands what you are going through she is more than happy to phone you. If that is the case, PM me and I will send you her mobile and you can have a chat that way. Even if you dont want to do this at least you know you arent the only one to have a OH who has got into debt

laurasbump

I just wanted to send you some support.

I'm in a similar situation. My OH is a gambler and we're in £55k of debt. I found out last year when expecting our first. I'm now expecting number 2. OH has allowed me to take over management of his finances. I think it was actually a relief for him. He has a co-op card with no o/d which I pay £70 into weekly. He also has a credit card without cash withdrawal facility and a company card. I keep an eye on all very closely. I felt betrayed at first and much advise told me to leave him. At times I was tempted but I haven't and have said that although the debt is his we are a partnership. Unfortunately, gambling is an illness and I doubt we'll ever be completely free of it but I believe we can limit the damage. He 'evil' is fruit machines, he's one the road alot and spent a great deal of time playing them at service stations. I've laid on the guilt and he knows how upset I am. He admits he is completely in the wrong and needs help. In the end his coming clean is the thing that made me stay - he'd become desperate and for the first time in our relationship had to be completely open and honest.

We're keeping our head above the water at the moment but I don't know what'll happen when the next baby arrives. With 2 under 2 I doubt I'll be able to work full time. We are in negative equity and the debt hasn't reduced greatly. Our options are very limited but I'd rather be going through it with him than being a single mum living in my parent's spare bedroom with 2 babies.

Take a deep breath, take one day at a time and tell him that you know about how much he owes. Be angry, threaten to leave and give him a little time to think. Maybe 'he' should go and stay with his parents for a few days! Don't leave your home and don't remortgage. I really hope he comes round. You need to hear three little words "I am sorry".

I've subscribed to your thread and hope things go well.

Bug hugs,
Laura

laura2481

ladybez wrote: »

I have checked computer history and can't find any evidence of online gambling, he doesn't go out at night so, unless it is someone from work, another woman is unlikely, will do some searching around about drugs

Unfortunately i wouldn't rule out the gambling, he could be doing that online at work, or actually going into betting shops. I hope it's gambling, as opposed to drugs or other women. Even though it is an addiction it seems like the lesser evil...
You really need to find out what it is... sorry, stating the obvious.
Good luck hun
Hugs
Laura
xx

fedupandskint

(((((Hugs)))))) Good luck with dealing with this. Posting makes it real and hopefully finding a way for you to cope with this problem whatever the outcome is I hope in year's time you feel better about all of this

Lois_and_CK

ladybez wrote: »

OH decided to have an early night!! From the statements etc I've been able to find, it looks like his debts are closer to 70k, which is making me panic even more. More than ever it this was secured and he upped and left, there is no way I could afford to pay this on my own, as I already work full time (and shifts) and we are discouraged from taking second jobs.:mad. Sometimes I wish I swore, will have to make do with another glass of wine!!

Ladybez, have you stopped to ask yourself why you're the one sat up late at night going through statements and doing SOAs while he's in bed sleeping soundly?

I truly think you're an amazing person for wanting to help him, but he clearly doesn't want help - he wants you to deal with it without bothering him about it. Why are you the one panicking, drinking wine to calm yourself down and unable to sleep?

Someone else suggested you have his salary paid into your account and you manage his spends and paying bills. That's good advice, but do you really want to be this man's mother? Or do you want an equal partner in life?

How will you feel years down the line when you've spent hours and hours of your time diligently paying off these debts on his behalf and he's not shown the slightest bit of interest, support or gratefulness? Or as his credit frees up he shows you no respect for all your work and acquires more debts?

And how supportive do you think he would be should the situation be reversed? Could you rely on him for support, kindness, a shoulder to lean on?

I wish you the very best of luck, but I do think that until he gets his head out of the sand, you're going to be on your own dealing with someone else's problem.

ladybez

I still can't believe how much people want to help and this alone has made me feel better and more able to cope. I am doing the donkey work as I think I realise, far more than OH the implications of what he has done. I am determined to keep a roof over my and the childrens heads and if the only way of doing it is to suggest he moves out then so be it. Having said that will have one more go at talking to him and possibly show him this (he would be mortified if he knew I'd posted here!!) and see what happens.

One bit of good news: Eldest daughter has passed her probationary period at work and has now been taken on permanently (was supposed to be 18 month contract) even though its only part time. Will give me a little extra money each month

TCM_3

Hi Ladybez
I don't know what to say to you to offer financial advice but you have been in my thoughts since your thread started.
I hope that OH will realise just how good and kind a person you are and that you are willing to help sort out the situation and support him as best you can. He needs to appreciate that. I hope he will see sense.
I'm sure your head is going round in circles at the minute - keep strong girl!
T xx