Another OH with debts

hippychick1

I have just read this thread from the start, and just want to tell you what a star you are! I would also like to say a few things about your OH, but it would not be polite :mad:

If he needs £1000 tell him to save it up. Where does he think this money is going to come from?

My OH is also not great with money at all, it's such an uphill struggle isn't it?!!

Good luck to you x

RAS

he does not need £1000 for hearing aids; he can have the naff looking ones from the NHS. Until such time as he sorts out his debts, that's it.

thevinternet

Buy him a cheap old-school ear-trumpet ladybez - they must be one on Ebay!!

This man is really taking the pee now. :mad:

xx

JayJay7777

I dont know you or your OH and as you know I am in debt whilst my top OH isnt! But I would never tell her it is none of her business especially if she is trying to help me out which is what you are trying to do with your OH!

I think you are being a complete star and if he cant see that then you probably know what you need to do, which I am sorry to say as well.

Lottebear

Well done you for taking all of this on, my OH came with debts it has taken 4 years to make him understand what he done. His salary goes on paying them off, I save mine.

Please make sure you protect yourself and your childern first.

LydiaJ

Hi ladybez

What a horrible situation. (((hugs))) You are doing so well to be keeping a clear head and doing everything you can for your kids.

I wonder if there is more you could do for him, though. Before everyone shouts me down, I DON'T mean more you could do to pay off his debts or make his life easier. I mean I wonder if there is more you could do to make him face up to his responsibilities.

There's a rule that says "whatever you are doing now is perfectly designed to get the results you are seeing now" and another rule that says "you get what you tolerate". If nothing changes, it sounds as though he will carry on letting things get worse and worse, lying to you about the extent of his liabilities, and letting you carry the entire burden of providing for the family, until the next major crisis - like a charging order on your house.

It's all wrong for him to be able to live rent-free in your house, providing absolutely nothing and refusing even to talk, but still getting all the advantages of being part of a partnership - getting his washing or cooking done, or whatever domestic things you do, not to mention more personal benefits of being with you. Life ought to be getting steadily bleaker for him until he chooses to face up to his issues.

Look at the comments being posted by JayJay7777. That's the attitude your OH ought to be taking. Once he's serious about taking responsibility, once he really wants you to help him to deal with things HIMSELF rather than do it for him, and once he's willing to be completely honest with you, then you can "be on his side" and support him emotionally while you help him to learn how to deal with money responsibly. But from what you've posted so far, it seems your OH really isn't at this point.

If you love him at all, do everything you can to withdraw the props that are stopping him from collapsing, because he won't change until he hits whatever his personal "rock bottom" may be. If letting him collapse makes him face up to things, then eventually he will look back and thank you for it. If it doesn't persuade him to change, then nothing would ever have made any difference.

Those are very hard words, and I have not enjoyed typing them. But you seem to be someone who would rather hear the hard truth so that you can deal with it. Do a search on "enabling" and maybe on "intervention" in the context of addiction - after all, whether or not he has a gambling or drug addiction, he certainly has an overspending addiction.

Finally, you might like to read a book called "Boundaries in marriage" by Henry Cloud & John Townsend. It helped me. It's a Christian book, so if that's not your cup of tea then you'd need to skim through the God bits, but it has the best advice I've read about dealing with a partner who's out of control (whether married to them or cohabiting).

Hope that helps,
Lydia

chevalier

I posted on here about what he would need to do for me to help your OH if I was you. It involved him having no financial control what so ever over his money, being honest about what he has spent it on etc

Ref the cash withdrawals. That still doesn't rule out a drug addiction. Dealers don't exactly take plastic only cash...... Sorry but you really need to rule this out. Because he will never be able to sort out his debt if he has this sort of addiction and needs to fund it.

Ref the credit cards he does have. They are pretty much all over limit, and if he isn't paying them he will be defaulting his agreements. Which is why he needs to do something NOW about it. The charges on the overlimit cards will be painfully high, as will the interest rate, so at the very least he needs to get them all back under their limits AND NOT SPEND ON THEM EVER EVER AGAIN.

SIGH
chev

ladybez

When people ask me how many children I have I oftn say 4 plus a husband, so that makes 5. It was meant as a joke, but with everything which has been happening, it feels more like a fact!! Lydia, you have suggested things I had never thought of but am at the stage where I will try anything and yes, I will try to get a copy of "Boundaries in Marriage" we have a Christian Bookshop in town, will have a look next time I'm there. Chev I have suggested I take full control of all the finances, OH (unsurprisingly!!) not keen on that idea. Once again many thanks for all your thoughts and support

RAS

ladybez

I think you do need to get much more serious about this.

OH is not far off his creditors getting fed up and taking legal action against him. That means county court judgments to start with. Since you have a house, it also means that some bright creditor or a DCA to whom they sell the debt will try to go for a charging order, securing the debt on the house.

If OH deals with the CCJs properly and pays them absolutely on time, there is a good chance you can avoid this. He will also need to fight any attempt to get a forthwith judgment There is only a two week turn round on the legal documents and he has to get it right.

Are you totally confident that he is motivated and capable of preventing creditors from securing their debt on the house? And if that happens are you totally confident that he would pay the charging orders on time as well?

If not you really do need to act, more for your children than yourself.

Have you been to see a solicitor?

Have you taken time to ring a debt charity so that you understand the financial implications of your OH's actions.

Dinah93

Just read this thread from start to finish, and it's really quite upset me.

You are clearly a bright, articulate woman who is doing everything she can to provide for her family. However you can't provide and make everything right. He is an adult, same as you, and at the moment I fail to see anything he is bringing to the table. His attitude is irresponsible, he's downright rude to you after asking for help, and is not financially contributing to the family. Sounds like he does not want help unless it is on his terms, and he in no way has attemped to face up to his problems. I think the advice of RAS is harsh but very fair. All the effort you have put in to your family is very quickly about to be undone because he has treated himself at your expense for years.

Best wishes to you in sorting out this mess, you should be proud of how you have taken care of your family, but your actions are enabling him to make you 'the bad guy' and take no responsibility for clearing up his own situation.