Another OH with debts

mogchops

Hi Ladybez,

I have just sat and read your entire thread and wanted to say that I think you are an amazing strong woman, and I really hope that your OH finally "sees the light" and treats you with the respect you deserve. Good luck honey. xxxxxx

ladybez

Lydia, Rest assured I already have a bank account in my sole name, although it would not be possible to save the amount he is paying in min payts as that more or less equals what I earn, which would leave more important things like the mortgage and monthly household bills unpaid. I have been hiving off smaller amounts, since I found out about his debts, into a Building Society account. He actually told me about his debt, what prompted hime too?? I think it was because he was no longer able to rob Peter to pay Paul and could not get further credit, but he did say it was about £50k, which would have been bad enough but as you can see from SOA, it is far more than this. As I think I have said somewhere when people ask how many children I have I have often answered 4 plus a husband making 5, I think that says it all!!

ladybez

AARRRGGGGHHHH!!!! sorry about that. OH has found a good deal on hearing aids only £875.00 for 2 and guess what? he paid on his credit card, which the ppi had paid out on!!! need I say more

sheba

Hi Ladybez,
Just thought I'd say hi as have been reading your thread for a while now and feeling your frustrations too!!

It seems like he's a long while off any LBM at the moment leaving you to shoulder the responsibilities alone- and I can't really offer you any advice as to that as you'll do as you see fit when you feel you need to. But with regard to the hearing aids- why does he not wear NHS ones? Doesn't he like the look of them(over the ear models normally)? I too, wear hearing aids and would prefer in-ear models but hey needs musts, beggars can't be choosers and all that (but in fairness I've been wearing them since age of 7 so got over over any 'associated stigma' at about age 14).

Anyways big hugs to you and I pray he'll wake up to himself before he loses his most valuable asset- his family

xx

RAS

ladybez wrote: »

AARRRGGGGHHHH!!!! sorry about that. OH has found a good deal on hearing aids only £875.00 for 2 and guess what? he paid on his credit card, which the ppi had paid out on!!! need I say more

You really have got to take ALL his cards from him and stop all further transactions.

Jenna

I agree with RAS ... or failing that, lower the limit on each one as the PPI pays out. It's possible if you call the hearing aid company and explain they may yet cancel it?

I know you're trying to do the best thing for everyone in this situation and keep the family together, happy, and with a roof over your head / food on the table. Your determination shows through clearly in your posts and I admire you for that (and even more so for your patience!).

You are the only person who can set out what is, and is not, OK for you. For example my OH is in debt too but because we keep our finances separate (and aren't financially linked) I don't mind if he wants to have a little spending spree or add something to his CC. I don't exactly approve (!) but I won't argue with him over it. I just keep our money separate and let him do his own thing (hopefully he too will have his LBM someday ).

On the other hand - a good friend of mine is married, and her hubbie still spends like there's no tomorrow. She has to give him pocket money, he's so bad! :eek: Fortunately she takes care of paying the bills etc so that side of things is organised.

If I had shared finances and my OH was still running up debt whilst I was working my backside off to get DF, I'd start to ask some serious questions about his attitude towards the relationship. If he knew it was that important to me and still went ahead and did it ... well, monogamy is also that important to me; as are my other core values in life.

Good relationships are 'interdependant' e.g. they recognise that different people are better at certain things. That can be good e.g. you rely on your partner to cook whilst you wash the dishes (that's a minor example) - or you look after the money side of things while he takes care of the kids, organises homework, etc. That's all well and good whilst there's an equal balance ... but when there's not, it starts to cause problems and resentment builds up (and that's a relationship killer, along with lack of communication!).

Another example would be that I'm quite dependant on my partner right now as I'm not well... and haven't been for a few months. He takes care of the cooking and most of the cleaning - I try to clean a little now and then but am mostly focusing on resting and getting well. BUT when I am well I fully expect to pick up my share and possibly bake him some nice cakes to say thankyou ! And in the meantime he knows full well that I am appreciative of everything he's doing and the support he's giving me. (I should add, there's been times in our relationship when he was depending on me for that kind of support, so it balances)

So in a long term relationship the balance of dependancy will absolutely shift from one person to another and that's OK ... but I am concerned from what you are saying that he is just leaning on you and expecting for you to prop him up and support him indefinitely. It's not as though you're telling me he's crap with money but fantastic with the kids, cleans around the house, and buys you flowers 'just because' etc etc.

It's easy to fall into the trap of 'mothering' men because they 'need you'. Well, yes they do, but not (if they're acting this badly) as an equal and loved partner - they just want a prop to excuse their bad behaviour throughout life.

Now I don't know your OH and I may be completely wrong in everything I'm saying ... I can only go by my own personal experience and that of friends, which is that the longer you 'mother' / look after them, the worse they behave.

I know that you joke about having '4 kids plus a hubbie so that's 5' and I think - as someone who uses humour as a defense - that I detected a note of that. It can make problems seem less 'real' when you joke about them and trivialise them - and that's OK for traffic jams and other such day to day stuff. But for the really big issues in life it can sometimes just cloud the issue.

It seems like you can't even communicate really honestly with him and just say what you think without having to plan it out ahead of time - or if that's not the case, then certainly he isn't getting the message. It's just disappointing as you sound like such a lovely person and I can't understand why he's being so unsupportive...

Well, anyway. I don't want you to think I'm critiscising (sp?) your relationship - I promise you that's not my intention. I am just worried to hear the gap between how you want him to be (mature, responsible man) and how he is acting (lets be polite and just say ... not what you need him to be).

I hope you're having a nice eve xx

Paulgonnabedebtfree

Indeed. Relationships are give and take. She took my money and I gave her grief over it.
I'm wondering, if the views about something so basic as finance are so far apart, is the relationship salvageable. Everyone has to make their own decisions of course because we can only live in our own shoes but unless he gets his act together, it would probably continue at least until the kids leave home.

paulpaulson

Hi,

I have a similar situation (where I am the one owing about 50K) it has all happened in the past year due to bad investment (not an excuse) all was under control for myself till 6 months ago where a huge mess happened with the bank and from a debt of 20 k I found myself down on 50k. I have come clean and my OH knows, I have been suffering with depression (and this is not an excuse). If he is down 50 it can only be down to only a few possibilities either gambling addiction or something similar. Until he comes clean I do not think there would be a chance for things to improve, he is probably (as I did ) trying to recoup the money in some ways and this just creates more debts. I am at a total loss and I know I do not have many options ahead of myself, my main concern is my OH as I do not want her to suffer for my mistakes.


I know bankruptcy would be a way out (dreadful as it sounds) but I am trying to avoid that as I would prefer to be able to pay at least some of the money I owe. He has to come clean and explain where the money went, otherwise I am sorry but things can only get worst. He needs to be honest at least with yourself, I even suggested to my OH to break up (she says she loves me to bits and would stand by me....) as I do not want her in any way to have to suffer, but and it is a big but he has to do something about it for his own sake as well….the issues would not go away and he HAS to do something to resolve them. I am in my early stage of resolving or trying to sort the mess out, and have countless sleepless nights but it might take what ever I know things would need to be improved somehow.

All the best.

ilovecheese

I thought I would add in my own story! Before I met and married my hubby, I had a CC card with a 0 balance and 1 loan for my car, other than car loans I had never been in debt. My OH had credit cards when I met him totalling about £22,000. We decide to move house and take out a secured loan with First Plus so we only had 1 payment going out every month (very stupid thing to do!!!) He then started a business (alongside his full time job) which went very wrong and re-did the FP loan for £54,000!! In addition he had two personal loans as well totalling £15,000 (which he tried to keep quiet about for a year!)

Anyhoo I will now get to the point! Although the £54,000 was in joint names my husband busted his gut working 70-80 hours a week and working overtime every other Sunday in order to put more money in the joint account, so I could have some money to myself every month. He never expected me to go without, and if needs be he would have taken on a second job to pay back the debt.

We sold our house in 2007 paid off the mortgage and the secured loan and the two personal loans will finish soon, my OH now has no overdraft no CC cards and will never take on debt again.!! He has completely changed his attitude to debt and your OH needs to do the same thing!

I think your OH is a selfish, self centred idiot! And you have the patience of a saint. I echo all the other advice, look after yourself and your children, and the best of luck!

redstararnie76

Can I ask if your OH comes from quite a wealthy family? Despite asking you for help, he seems to have the attitude that the money will always be there....