Another OH with debts

ladybez

Having been hovering in the background for several months, I have finally found the courage to post. Mine is probable not an unusual story. Last September, my OH announced that he was seriously in debt, he thought about 50k, and would I help him sort it out. My initial reaction was Yes but slowly I realised he wanted me to sort it and he was just going to carry on as before. I began to feel used and betrayed, and as I was already being treated for depression found it very difficult to start finding a way out. I am currently working on an SOA, and it appears that he owes more that he told me. He refuses point blank to discuss it, won't or can't tell me how it arose. His sole answer is to re-mortgage the house and clear all his debts at once. I am not certain that, particularly in the current economic climate, this is the solution. The hardest thing to deal with is the fact that he has not taken up any of my suggestions regards contacting creditors and explaining the position and has made veiled references to "ending it all" which makes me feel guilty. Sorry for rambling on and I know there are people out there in a far worse position than me!!

My_World

Hi ladybez, hope you're ok. I don't really have much advice but just wanted to say you've done the right thing posting on here. Maybe you could sit him down and tell him you want to help (help - not sort out his mess yourself!) but you need to know all the facts before you know where to start. There's no use in him telling you a figure if its really twice as much. Is some of it joint debt or is it all his own? I'm sure someone with more knowledge will be along soon!

Take care

xLx

ladybez

Thanks, My World. the debt is all his, which kind of makes his attitude worse

Dave101t

why are you standing for this?

the answer is simple. his debt- his problem.
if he wants help he cant dictate terms, and shouldnt even expect any help.

this is his fault, he has lied, he wont discuss things rationally, you need weigh up your options

lilac_lady

I'd make sure that I wasn't legally responsible for any of his debts and let him get on with. A visit to CAB (without him) would clarify your legal postion regarding his situation.

You shouldn't have all the worry when he's not man enough to start dealing with his problem.

ladybez

all these credit cards, loan and consolidation loan are in his sole name andnone of them are secured on the property, thankfully.

Prog_2

There's some useful advice here, but I'd like to add that it's never a good idea to get involved in things of this nature through feelings of guilt. By all means help, but only because you want to.

The very best of luck.

Glitzkiss

Hi ladybez

From your OP it sounds like your OH wants you to deal with the debt in such a way that his life doesn't change and he can carry on how he was before. Sorry if I'm reading this wrong.

If you sort out his problems then I suspect this is exactly what he will do and the debt will keep increasing until you lose your house. IMO the kindest thing you can do is make him deal with it himself otherwise his attitude is never going to change. And the veiled threats sound like emotional blackmail to me and certainly not the desperation of someone who can't see a way out of their debt. Afterall he's found his way out - you are going to sort it out for him.

Perhaps I'm being to harsh and perhaps he really can't deal with it all.

But I do think you need to help him help himself and not solve the problem for him

Good luck

The_Golden_Goose

Hello there!

Welcome to the boards.

Sadly, remortgaging the house isn't really a quick fix and doesn't really eliminate the debt. If anything it just hides it away somewhere else and you have a bigger mortgage amount each month. Working hard to pay off and reduce the existing debt is the only way that I think your OH will understand and have the messasge hit home that there are no easy fixes to debt.

Well done for saying you'll help.

I fear that your help will go unthanked and you are going to be expected to wave the magic wand whilst he carries on spending etc.

Like any of us in debt, for most of us, we only have ourselves to blame, excessive spending be it resulting in owing money through ODs / CCs / Loans. We all have to learn to cut back and take responsbility.

So I guess what I am saying is that his debt is his responsibility and its great you want to help, but I'd give him a few weeks and if he is still refusing to talk about it (male pride or no male pride) then I'd walk.

MrsTinks

Out of interest... how much equity is there in the house?
because you're talking about a lot of debt! And right now it's HIS debt, but if the house is joint mortgage then re-mortgaging will make it YOUR debt too... he'll be taking equity straight out of your share of the house... right now if the worst happens then they can only take money from HIS half of the equity

JayJay7777

Thought I would add my thoughts as well if that is ok

I brushed off my debt everytime my wonderful OH mentioned discussing debt, then one day realised that if I lost her then I had lost everything. So came out with the full amount which shocked her and scared me that she would leave

We looked at different things which could help, including remortgaging the house. However as others have mentioned that would place my emphasis on the debt being joint when it is me that created the situation. Therefore please dont remortgage your property because it isnt fair you have the debt as well.

I love my OH to pieces and it hurts that I created this mess, however without her support I wouldnt have got myself sorted. I am in a DMP with Payplan for nearly 4 years and it is hard at times, but hey I spent the money so I should pay it back.

The best thing you can do is be honest with him and explain how you feel, because I bet he is currently just thinking about himself and how he can get out of the mess. When debt does affect both parties when there is a relationship

Try encouraging him to approach Payplan or CCCS but what ever you do make sure he realises it is his debt not yours!

Good luck!