Another OH with debts

silvadebtfree

Good idea from Steel if you ask me!

Emmsie21

I know its easy for me to say but I just wanted to post and say I agree with what everyone has posted. No matter how much you love, trust, care for him please, please don't take on his debt. What's to say that that isn't what he is aiming for and then he ups and leaves you to deal with the debt - i'm sorry I don't mean to sound harsh, and I don't know the background of your relationship etc - but it is HIS debt, that HE managed to acquire, by whatever means and do you really want to be left with it if things don't work out between you.

Stay strong and keep us posted.

ladybez

couldn't post yesterday as was at work. Te money hasn't been spent on him buying cars, his is on a lease so tax servicing etc are all covered by the lease. My car I bought myself for cash. Holidays I have always paid for (usually out of child benefit) When I think about it, most major household purchases I have made, which makes it sound worse. I do know that whatever he has wanted, he has just gone and bought(!!) I am going to break one of my house rules and go through his post to see if that shows anything up. Will keep posting, and once again thanks to everyone.

JayJay7777

I agree that you should try and find out how he ran these debts up, however be careful if he is already clamming up now and then he finds out you have snooped whay will the reaction be?

Please dont think I am saying this to protect him, more actually ensuring you dont feel any worse. Why not just lay your cards on the table and tell him how you feel, this would probably shock him and make him think twice and open up that way.

Whatever you do good luck!

PS I am happy for my OH to go through my post, but that only happened once I opened up and told her the position I had got myself/her/us in

dumpy

HI Ladybez

I think people have got confused with my ex OH buying cars. It doesn't matter but it might explain why some of the messages have crossed wires.

As more details come out it becomes apparent that he has spent a lot of money and can't explain where it has gone.

I'd be really worried about putting this on the mortgage, as if he doesn't know where it's gone, then what is going to stop him doing it again?

Take care of yourself and don't be made to feel guilty. If he tries that come back here and we will all set you straight!

ladybez

Thanks Dumpy. I am increasingly reluctant to go down the re-mortgage route for all the reasons highlighted by you kind people. which begs the question what should I/we do to resolve the issue? I am trying to get together a SOA but the figures I have up to now are embarassing and obviously I haven't yet got details of OH debts. As soon as this changes, by whatever means I will try and post it up. In the meantime thanks again for all your support.

dumpy

I think difficult as it is, you need to talk to him and find out what is going on.

At the end of the day he really does need to take responsibility but that is so easy to say and so difficult to do.

It is very difficult to not try and take on the problems of someone you love but you have to remember this is not your problem especially if he will not face up to the problem or admit the extent.

I still feel guilty about my ex, could I have done more, what could I have done, what did I do wrong etc etc. It's only now about a year later that I am finally facing up to the fact that I didn't make him spend the money and it is not MY fault.

It's a shame as we could have been very good together and I regret that deeply. But I don't miss the stress and the sleepless nights and the concern when I saw that he had treated himself again whilst bills dropped through the letter box.

Hucks77

ladybez - My ex ran up about 10k on debt as a student. After we brought a house all the letters arrived even before moving in. She denied everything, lied to me, my parents, her parents you name it.
She paid off a 2.5k over draught on my credit card, hid the bill and even defaced it!
She lied about ill health to throw me off the scent!:mad:
Basically she would stoop to lows i never thought imaginable and in the end i brought her out and asked her to leave as she was behond both honesty and help. All those that did help she never thanked or had an ounce of gratitute for.
She after leaving was pretty much debt free, got 10k from me and i continued to pay the bills on my own, as i always pretty much had done! The 25k equity i had has disappeared and still have some debt that i'm paying off.

i can't sell as there's no point with the market as i'll lose all the 25k i did have before the slump.
Use your head and not your heart, I work in finance and was determined to sort it.......she wouldn't allow me to!:eek: x

ladybez

Several of you good people have hit the nail on the head, yes he does need to start talking about it, but that has proved the first problem, he refuses point blank to discuss it. Talk about being an ostrich!! I have no idea, at the moment, whom he owes money to or the exact amounts, hence my thoughts of going through his post, yes he probably won't be pleased but at least I'd have a better idea about the sums we are talking about. Will have to do it when he is at work and the children at school

ladybez

OH decided to have an early night!! From the statements etc I've been able to find, it looks like his debts are closer to 70k, which is making me panic even more. More than ever it this was secured and he upped and left, there is no way I could afford to pay this on my own, as I already work full time (and shifts) and we are discouraged from taking second jobs.:mad. Sometimes I wish I swore, will have to make do with another glass of wine!!