Another OH with debts

ladybez

RAS,we have separate bank accounts each having our own salaries paid in, thank God, at least that way I know that mortgage council tax utility bills andinsurance are paid!! Will be paying of B/card tomorrow. Cap 1 interest is 1.48%pm.
Clearing out my pockets. Hug much appreciated. Yes I did check my credit file last week and nothing untoward seen!!

JFC_2

Just wanted to come on and offer you support. I dont have anything advice wise to offer, but listing it all down like you have done is the start of the process that leads to recovery. I understand how you feel, although this is his debt, you love him and want to come out the other end as a family. He sounds like he needs to attend some sort of course to learn how to handle money.

As you say its been built up over years not months, he has been regularly living beyond his income.

For what its worth, I think you are a wonderful wife to be so helpful. Make sure that you dont let any of this debt transfer to your name.

He still seems to be following a head in the sand approach which is familiar to all people in debt. In time I am sure that will wear off and he will feel much better to come clean with you and communicate all of his debts.

It would be better for you to receive his salary into your bank as well and hand him a modest amount for living expenses. It may take 10+ years to clear but he will feel a sense of achievement by living within his means. He earns a good wage, its sad it has come to this but once you have the full picture I hope you can work and communicate together to resolve it.

Best of luck

xxxxxxxx

RAS

Ok that's 19.28% per annum, ameded the list.

You really do need to get some legal advice as to the situation if you stay with him,, or part.

I would also suggest looking at www.entitledto.com to work out what you would be entitled to if you split.

There is a strong chance that in the current climate, with his over-spending having gone beyond all his credit limits, at least one creditior will soon start procedding with the aim of getting a charging order soon. AMEX have been known to bankrupt people.

OH neds to contact a debt charity and talk to them urgently. http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan#help

I suggest you organise you own finances as much as possible to reduce you liabilities. Sort out some balance transfers to reduce your exisitng very high Aprs and then pay off as much as you can.

With his debt, restrict your efforts to seeing if there is stuff that can go on e-bay, amazon or to a car-boot sale to reduce his debts within limits.

He must also have a whole load of late payment charges that he can reclaim

In the short-term, accept that he is incapable of contributing anything to the household expenditure, in fact you have to maintain him if he is even to the interest off.

Max_Headroom_3

As a household you have about £4,400 coming in, and a mortgage of £300.

Leaving you over three thousand pounds a month to live on!!

Even after food and bills that has to be way over £2,000 a month, which is more than most people earn before outgoings!

And even with that much money sloshing about every month he's managed to rack up a sum of debt that not long ago would have bought a decent house outright!!!

And there is nothing to show for it!!

I don't say these things to criticise, I say these things to try and add a little perspective.

This is way way beyond a simple debt problem.

Tread carefully...

TCM_3

just wanted to pop in to say i'm thinking of you.
Stay strong
xxx

dumpy

You've had some really valuable advice here, do keep posting for the support even if you just want to rant and cry over your keyboard.

It's a very lonely place to be when your OH racks up debt then doesn't want to know.

Keep talking to all the people here.

clearing_out_my_pockets

If your OH won't open up to you, point him in the direction of this thread. That way he'll see that it's not something he can just ignore, it is a serious issue and it will affect you...

Toni_Broke

Hi

I also want to wish you support in getting through this very difficult time - whatever decision you come to.

You've had some excellent advice and i really hope you can reach some sort of solution. I agree with the poster above who suggests showing your oh this thread.

All the best

Tonixx

Jenna

Hey,

Just read through your whole thread and wow what can I say about this it's inconceivable to me that someone could run up so much debt in such a selfish way - without a thought for his wife or kids. He is risking your kids future and home by having done that.

Out of interest, what sparked the conversation about debts last September? Did he "own up" voluntarily or did you ask him outright?

I agree with RAS that you should seek legal advice re the property and the position if you stay together and if you split. Even if the debts are in his name, my understanding is that a seize can still be put on his assets (incl. his portion of the house), because he will have been contributing to the mortgage and/or everyday household expenses.

I do think it's very worrying that he can't/won't say where the debt has come from. My gut reaction to that would be basically that until he is going to be completely honest with you, you can't help him.

Would agree that re-mortgaging is a VERY bad idea (at the best of times - and an even worse one right now). What would that take your LTV ratio to - what if you couldn't get a new mortgage deal when this one runs out as a result? Also would agree that simply on principle it's not acceptable for HIS debts to go on the FAMILY'S mortgage.

If he is making veiled hints towards ending things and making you feel guilty - this isn't good on all sorts of levels. He must know that you're being treated for depression - so him saying those things doesn't reassure me of his kind and considerate nature shall we say! It is possible that he actually IS desperate but surely, if that were the case, he'd be talking with you honestly and making a real effort to clear the debt down ASAP? I would say that (in order to give you a clear conscience) then OK, take it seriously, but don't feel bad about how he (might) be feeling. Just tell him if/when he wants to talk you are there for him - maybe even offer to go with him to the GP's if he wants to talk about some options e.g. anti-deps or seeing a psych. But whatever you are doing to support him - take care of your own needs first and get lots of support.

For me personally ... I have to say that I wouldn't be bothering to go through his post and try to cobble together an SOA. I don't mean this to sound harsh at all but I do think he needs some tough love to get his act in gear. Why not sit him down and say you can't handle all of this pressure, it is impacting on your own depression, and you can't and won't help him unless he's 100% on board. You could give him a week or two to think about it and make changes ... but if there's no sign even after that, I'd take the kids and visit your Mum for a few days. And have a serious think.

And if he really is a decent and hard-working person who deserves a second chance ... when you get back he'll come running and work WITH you on this. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership after all.

OK - I don't mean any of that to sound terribly harsh and I am sure it does - but please get some legal advice and think seriously about this. I wish it sounded like "just" a debt problem but it really doesn't. Is he out a lot, does he go out on "boys nights"? He ought to have something to show for that kind of cash ... and from what you've said there's not, so I can only think some sort of addiction. But I really hope not for your sake.

Keep us updated xx

Steel_2

Hi Ladybez

I so pleased you've finally managed to get some information, but obviously not so pleased you found out it was so much more than you thought.

Are these credit cards up to their limits yet? If so, where else is he getting money from besides his wages? Do you know if he's borrowed money from friends and other family members, or is it likely he may have got anything from loan sharks?

Can you see if the money that he's consistently overspending is being taken out as cash withdrawals or is it just rubbish he's charging to his debit and credit cards, then consolidating as loans?

One way of approaching the problem with him not wanting to acknowledge anything is to get that statement of account, complete the debts section, increase the font size to make it nice and clear and then hand it to him saying: "That's just the ones I know about. What about the rest?" and see if it prompts a confession or conversation. Be prepared for him to be really angry with you and accuse you of spying on him and it being your fault. Also be prepared for him to demand what he sees as "his half" of the equity.

You'll already have twigged that any more debt you find out about will pretty much wipe out most of your equity if you go down the remortgage and possibly destroy your credit rating as you are associated with him. He's started defaulting so things will come to a head pretty quickly now if you really start to push...there's no way back for him now he's told you.

Keep strong and good luck!