Another OH with debts

dumpy

Hi Ladybez

I had a similar situation, OH terrible with money, wouldn't discuss the debt, didn't want to curtail his lifestyle.

I took over all bills etc so he could use his money on his debt. Instead he bought golf clubs and kept changing his car.

If I mentioned him taking responsibility or said how it was affecting me, I was told that it was his problem and he would sort it, although he never tried to.

He also said he would go away if things got too bad. Making me feel guilty.

If I mentioned I had a problem with a bill he would suggest I got rid of something of mine.

Your OH is doing the same, he is making it your problem and it isn't.

I'm afraid I'm no longer with my OH. I'm a lot happier and lot more relaxed and I've finally realised it wasn't MY fault he had debt and couldn't control his money.

I wish you al the best

ladybez

Thats given me a lot to think about!! Mrs Tine, there is about 110K equity in the property but I take on board what you're saying. Up to now I'donly been thinking about How to get him out of the mess, perhaps I should be thinking Should I get him out.

RAS

\Hi
Would agree with the comments here. Do you have an idea how he accrued this debt?

ladybez

Won't actually say. Each time I try to bring it up he just says "you know, things, nothing in particular" So I've really no idea. I don't think that its gambling or anything like that

samaki

hi there lady bez!

just wanted to say hi and good luck.
you seem like a lovely and suportive partner, you are offering to help him out of a messy situation.
in contrast, he seems totally oblivious and ungrateful of your help (sorry if thats harsh), won't give you the full picture of his debt and seems unwilling to change his habits..

i think its sad but true that if you pay off his debt for him he'll never really learn his lesson.. especially with his current attitude. some people really need a tough lesson to learn the value to money and the weight of debt

If I was in his position I would be totally overwhelmed with gratitude that I had such a great person willing to stand by me and help me change.

he has to change or you'll forever be picking up after his mistakes..

sorry if any of this seems offensive but I think you both need to realise how great you are being and how lucky he is to have your help and support.

silvadebtfree

Hi LadyBez

Just wanted to drop in and say hi. I agree with what everyone else has said. Hats off to you for offering to help him out, however it doesnt sound to me like he's really grateful for it. OK, so you cant force him to tell you what he spent the money on, but if it were me i'd make it clear that i wouldnt get involved in any way shape or form unless he did, and i wouldnt pay it off for him, which i doubt you will do. After all, he spent the money, and so he needs to pay it back and face up to him. I know some men (referring to my OH personally) expects and prefers me to sort things out for him. If you have to, then do this on his behalf but with his money. He has to realise that he needs to stop buying golf clubs and cars, and get back on track and dragging you into it by remortgaging etc isn't fair on you at all.

You sound like a lovely partner, i hope he appreciates it!!

Good luck!

ladybez

Would like to thank everyone for their contributions. It never ceases to amaze me the support that people you don't really know can give and I am very touched by some of the posts (almost in tears!!) Your replies have really made me think whether my first thoughts were right. However, I feel reluctant to be taking on part of such a huge debt.

laura2481

ladybez wrote: »

Won't actually say. Each time I try to bring it up he just says "you know, things, nothing in particular" So I've really no idea. I don't think that its gambling or anything like that

Hi, just wanted to say I have been reading you posts and alarm bell have been ringing!

if it really was 'nothing particular' why isn't there anything to show for it? £50k is a LOT for 'nothing in particular'. I ran up less than £7k over 9 years on this and that, and bits and pieces and generally over spending. But didn't have any holidays/cars/expensive purchases. For £50k i would expect for there to be more to show, ie you would have seen (and possibly also enjoyed) holidays/cars etc SO WHERE IS THIS MONEY?!

I'm sorry but gambling or some other kind of adiction could be a possibility.

PLEASE do not take on the debt in your name, or in joint with the mortgage. You will then be risking your home, and your future because of his irresponsibility. It sounds as though it may be time for some tough love: Sort it out or you're out. It may be what he needs to realise he is taking you for granted and be more honest with you. After all, you deserve honesty if nothing else.

hugs
Laura
x

Steel_2

Have to agree with laura here...what exactly has he run up £50k on?

That much money gone signifies a much bigger problem that frittering can cause. Either drugs, gambling or (and I hate saying this to you) other women.

You deserve some honesty here or you're going to get used and ripped off. Don't lift a finger yet to help him sort this problem until he starts coming clean about EXACTLY how much he owes, to whom and why. Otherwise you'll be spending half of YOUR share of the equity in the house on a problem he neither acknowledges he has or makes any attempt to rectify. In fact, you only know about the debt he's told you about. He could have much, much more hidden.

Another poster on here recently discovered her OH has been blowing wads of cash on cocaine (after previously running up over 70k in debt on unspecified stuff) with no outward sign of his addiction at all. Good dad, great husband then all of sudden meltdown and confession.

One thing he did do towards the end was pretend she was the one with the problem, refused to talk about it and ended up literally running out of the house to avoid talking to her about it if she brought it up.

Protect yourself at all costs and don't let him use you and take the easy way out.

You deserve much, much more than that.

Steel_2

Sorry to post again, but I keep coming across posts today about serious amounts of debt being wracked up by 'unknown' means.

In poster Twirlypinky's own words when she posted a few days ago about the same situation happening to her:

"My ex H racked up loads of debts, most of it on i don't know (or want to know) what. In his final attempt (while I was with him) to consolidate these debts the bank wouldn't lend him the money on his own, it had to be a joint debt (because we owned the house together I assume). So I stupidly said yes.

Fast forward three years and I have nothing, no home, no savings, no husband and nothing to show for the last 10 years of my life but a few wrinkles and a pale circle on the finger on my left hand where my wedding ring used to be. I get so upset sometimes I can't breathe - i wouldn't wish that on anyone. No matter how much you trust him, please don't get into this, or if you really have to, get some kind of agreement like a pre-nup to say that if you split it's his debt."