Another OH with debts

Fire_Fox

ladybez wrote: »

Yipee ppi has paid out on several of his cards and one loan, so that accounts are . with one exception, below limit. Guess what he went out and did? Bought 3 new jumpers, two fleeces, a jacket and another torch. I don't think he's ever going to wake up to what he is doing. Its now totally up to him to sort his mess out. I'VE HAD ENOUGH. (sorry for shouting!!)

Tell him he is taking these items back to the shop and cutting up his cards, or packing his bags. He does not seem to care for how stressed you are, this cannot be good for your health or your children to feel the tension. I am so :mad: for you!!!

ladybez

Jenna, you have hit the nail on the head. My clinical psycologist has been expalining PAC relationships to me and OH and I spend most of our lives at different points I in parent mode OH in child mode, and I am fast coming to the conclusion that if he doesn't change soon I would be better off without him. Our relationshaip is not well balanced. I cook, shop wash iron attend to homework and reading and work full time, he occasionally flits round with a vacuum and yes sensitive conversations do have to be timed, which I know is wrong.
Paul I would love him to take some responsibility for his mess but it is just not happening
Ilovecheese, beginning to agree with you!!
REdsarnie, his family is not rich, I would say comfortable, but they have worked hard to get there (his parents are in their 80's)
Firefox cant take them back as he's already worn them!! I suspect that if I did cut his cards up, he would just apply for replacements!!
With regard to hearing aids, he got them at the time of his appointment and because of his age does not qualify for free ones from our PCT

thevinternet

RAS wrote: »

You really have got to take ALL his cards from him and stop all further transactions.

I agree. Distract him with something, then just take all those cards out of his wallet and cut them into tiny tiny pieces. So tiny that he can't reconstruct the numbers using the bits of card left!!

Wishing you all the best Ladybez, cos your OH is acting like a tool. Sorry if that sounds harsh. xx

Iron_Pyrite

Ladybez,

Sounds to me like you know you should leave him, just wanted some support, so good luck with doing the right thing.

He will come round or not- I would say a win win for you.

Paulgonnabedebtfree

ladybez wrote: »

Jenna, you have hit the nail on the head. My clinical psycologist has been expalining PAC relationships to me and OH and I spend most of our lives at different points I in parent mode OH in child mode, and I am fast coming to the conclusion that if he doesn't change soon I would be better off without him. Our relationshaip is not well balanced. I cook, shop wash iron attend to homework and reading and work full time, he occasionally flits round with a vacuum and yes sensitive conversations do have to be timed, which I know is wrong.
Paul I would love him to take some responsibility for his mess but it is just not happening
Ilovecheese, beginning to agree with you!!
REdsarnie, his family is not rich, I would say comfortable, but they have worked hard to get there (his parents are in their 80's)
Firefox cant take them back as he's already worn them!! I suspect that if I did cut his cards up, he would just apply for replacements!!
With regard to hearing aids, he got them at the time of his appointment and because of his age does not qualify for free ones from our PCT

Those parent/child relationships can be pretty destructive when it's two adults playing them out. I've been in a couple of them myself before I started to understand a bit better. Transactional analysis is very useful in dissecting that stuff but at the ends of it, it comes down to can you live with him without feeling bad about it.
It's all very well separating how you feel from the way he behaves. I'm sure many of us are acquainted with the theory and/or practice. I went through a load of stuff like that myself years back. I suppose it comes down to why should someone have to constantly work hard on their own self developement in order to tolerate a partner when the alternative is to live alone and find a bit of peace and maybe eventually, meet up with someone who they feel more in tune with.
Going into therapy often changes the balance of power in relationships and many don't survive it.
I wish you well whatever choices you make.

Caroline73_2

How are things going Ladybez?

ladybez

no real change, he has started hiding his cc's so I can't cut them up. I have phoned on of them to see if they will reduce limits but they will only deal with the account holder. CAB say my options are limited as the debt is his and I can't at present take over the mortgage on my own, the impression I was left with was that financially I would be more secure without him, as yet, I am not sure I want to go down that path, so stalemate I'm afraid

fatpiggy

Oh dear, now he is hiding his credit cards from you. What else is he hiding? I'm sure there must be more behind his debt than just expenditure on "odds and ends". I know you think it isn't drugs or gambling, but could he have a second family somewhere? He knows he is doing wrong as he is clearly very defensive. I'm so sorry for you because you have done nothing wrong but are left with all the burden and worry. Does he have relatives your could talk to about it?

Caroline73_2

That's awful. I really feel for you. He is being so selfish, not just the spending but now hiding the cards from you.

I can't see that he has any intention of changing, he is showing you no respect at all. Do you want to be with him or is it just a case of it being easier or you not being able to take on the mortgage alone?

Dinah93

Unfortunately you claiming back the PPI, taking on extra shifts etc is akin to rearranging the deck-chairs on the Titanic, things might look better but it isn't going to change the outcome while he is spending on the cards. He has offloaded all responsiblity onto you, and seems to think by saying he has this debt he's dealt with the problem, when in fact he's done absolutely nothing to pay it off. Have you told him how much more it is than his original amount?

I can't help feeling you and your children would be happier in the long run, knowing the roof over your head will stay there, and no one is about to come knocking on your door demanding money. Lots of people have been in that situation and it is VERY scary.

You keep getting angry that he's gone and treated himself again, but then he gets away with it, so he's clearly decided your displeasure is worth it for some new treats since there are no lasting repercussions.

No one should be in this situation alone, and I'm so happy you've found so much support on here, but you shouldn't have to time your situations so as not to anger him, he caused these issues, when is he going to face up to them and appreciate the amazing efforts you have gone to to help him?