We are in serious trouble.......

benjo

If there are mental health issues - that are so far undiagnosed, then please take your wife to a GP and insist on a referal to the Community Mental Health Team a full psych assessment might well reveal the reasons behind the behaviour.

Get good criminal legal advice urgently.

Debt counselling is available at most CAB's, address the debts before people start chasing you.

I think it is admirable that you stood by your wife the first time this happened and that even though she has done this again you are wanting to do what is in the best interest of your children - only you are truely in possession of the full facts that inform your choices, nobody here can advise you on that score.

owner

The OP's wife needs support and professional help. She did something like this a second time because she didn't get the right help the first time (it is obviously more of a serious problem than first expected).

A lot of tree huggers on this thread, the woman is a serial criminal and should be locked up. This would probably be the best thing for the OP to move on, I bet you lot wouldn't be shouting that the person needed help and support if it was the 2nd time they had molested a child.

lostinrates

QTPie wrote: »

... if many of you would consider ditching your own wife (assuming it is otherwise a good non-abusive relationship and she is a good mother) - when she obviously needs the help MOST - it isn't surprised that we live in such an uncaring, selfish society... :rolleyes:
.....
Really good luck to the OP on this.

QT

I'm either agreeing nor disagreeing, but would point out that the moral standpoint could be that the OPs duty is first to his children and that showing them that they do not have to be victims to another's obviously sad but destructive action, and that their mother is in this respect not a good role model, and indeed, protecting them from any repurcussions to their financial future.....again, I'm not suggesting this is the case, only that it could be.


OP, no advice, just wishes of good luck for you.

DAB1209

Goodness what an awfull situation to be in...Im all for compassion but seriously when I took my vows this is not what "in sickness and in health" means.If my husband put our family home and the lives of mine and our children in jeporady I dont think I could forgive him.He has stuck by her before and he is left to pick up the pieces again.Thats not fair.

She needs help.Has their been an unsolved issue from her past/childhood this could be the reason behind the theft,maybe it makes her feel in control.

I do hope you can get to the bottom of this and if she is prepared to seek help and give you the answers you need only you can decide if you want to stay or walk. GL x

QTPie

owner wrote: »

A lot of tree huggers on this thread, the woman is a serial criminal and should be locked up. This would probably be the best thing for the OP to move on, I bet you lot wouldn't be shouting that the person needed help and support if it was the 2nd time they had molested a child.

There is a hell of a lot of difference between theft and child molestation... :rolleyes:

Anyway, the woman is not a "serial criminal" (she has been in serious credit card debt before, but not been guilty of theft before). She DOES have serious problems with money, which need to be tackled. But this is probably a symptom rather than the root cause. So as LoughtonLad says - in addition to legal help and tackling the finances (to ensure she can't do any further damage), she needs some serious counselling too.

We have a choice how we live out lives, owner: we can either be "every man for himself" or we can try to "work things out together, through rough and smooth" (or "tree hugger" if you will). I know what sort of world I would rather live in.

QT

cranezoe

excessive spending can be a real problem in some mental health problems. Its difficult to manage too encourage her to seek proper help for it. If she is already getting help for it then prehaps her care co-ordinator could explain the nature of her mental health prob to the employers?

that aside, the issue is also how you can live on your wage. Go to the citizens advice to see if you will be entitled to any other benefits due to you being the only wage earner. Also find out what your wife should be doing - job seekers/incapacity benefit etc.
you say you get £1000 a month tax credits which could in theory cover the mortgage for now if you take the childminding costs away (ie wife not working will be at home to look after the children)? you need to look at your income and expenditure and where you can make cut backs etc. again go to citizens advice and try the debt free board here.

Consider taking control of the finances. Seriously. Stop her from having any cards and make her ask if she needs some money for anything. including food shopping etc. If she cant behave with money (whatever the reason) then she should be expected to have it taken from her - in fact make sure she is fully aware of the lengths you are going to to support her.
In light of it happening before trying to stop it from happening again is pretty important.

How is she feeling?

QTPie

lostinrates wrote: »

I'm either agreeing nor disagreeing, but would point out that the moral standpoint could be that the OPs duty is first to his children and that showing them that they do not have to be victims to another's obviously sad but destructive action, and that their mother is in this respect not a good role model, and indeed, protecting them from any repurcussions to their financial future.....again, I'm not suggesting this is the case, only that it could be.

Agreed, that is why I said

(assuming it is otherwise a good non-abusive relationship and she is a good mother)

Only the OP can judge his own relationship, but he will know basically whether she is a good wife and mother.

He DOES need to get his finances sorted out - to safeguard his family and ensure that she cannot do any further financial damage.

If children were taken away from their mothers because they weren't a good role model, then there would be an awful lot of motherless children in this country... . I know that I see shocking parenting on a virtually daily basis (just walking through the city in which I live). If the OP's wife is basically a good mother, then they can work through this, and she can become an excellent role model (i.e. how families can pull together, work hard to solve problems and solve things in the end).

Only the OP can know exactly his family's situation. I hope it all works out for him.

QT

slummymummyof3

I think you need to see what financial assistance you may be entitled to now that she has no job.....and presumably no childcare to pay for - this may alter your child tax credits.
Sorry you are in such a position, it must be very hard to see someone you love pressing the self-destruct button, but equally it must be even harder to know that it affects the whole family.
Good luck, whatever you decide to do.....sorry I can't offer more help.

sarah_elton

Let's focus on the immediate issues before you think about the future and your relationship (and no one on here knows the full situation there or history). So that's the house/living finances and getting your wife some help.

You said that your income was £1200 and the mortgage was £1000. The bottom line is, if there's no prospect of your wife earning for a while to come, you can't afford to stay in that house unless you have enough in savings to cover you for, say, a year (unless you can now ditch the child-minder).

If you don't have the savings to cover your monthly living costs, get the house on the market ASAP. The last thing you need is to get into debt just paying the utility bills. Do you have any equity in the house? The housing market is poor and you do have to price low to get a quick sale, so if you can, then do this. The only risk I can see is that if the company does sue or whatever to get the cash back, then any equity raised from the sale could be taken from you. I don't know the legal issues on whether they can force you to sell to pay them back, or whether they can only take it if it's in the bank. If you go down the path of selling, I would seriously recommend renting instead of buying a new house right away. Go for the smallest place you can so the rent is as cheap as possible. Also, if you rent, it's much easier if you do later decide to split up than it would be if you owned a house together.

Whether you stay in the house or end up selling, as others have said go over the DFW board and look at some of the tips on cutting down your monthly expenditure. It'll be tight on your income but it will be do-able.

In terms of any mental problems that may be causing your wife to do this, I would have thought that if she can get help before the case goes through, that'll help her solicitor make the case for a suspended sentence. You do need to get her to be honest about what the money was spent on - if any of it is still hidden away somewhere, or was spent on things you can sell, you can raise some cash to repay the company. Again, that would surely help her cause.

You're in shock at the moment so it's not the time to make any massive decisions about the future. As I said, focus on the immediate issues; work out what you need to do to cover your finances for the next few months, and try and get her opening up and getting some help.

TTMCMschine

QTPie wrote: »

My goodness, no wonder the UK is going to the dogs...

... if many of you would consider ditching your own wife (assuming it is otherwise a good non-abusive relationship and she is a good mother) - when she obviously needs the help MOST - it isn't surprised that we live in such an uncaring, selfish society... :rolleyes:

QT

It always makes me chuckle when I read these kind of "tree hugging" answers as one other poster put it.

The notion that people being critical are uncaring and selfish is a bit rich when it's directed at a woman who has uncaringly and selfishly helped herself to someone elses money, and uncaringly and selfishly deprived them of money that they may well have needed - it might have had a severe & detrimental effect on their finances.

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is how would you have reacted if you'd just found out that she'd nicked £25K of your money?

Would you be sat consoling the poor thing with a box of tissues and a cup of Horlicks, or would you have gone ballistic & called the Police?

You selfish uncaring thing you.