Leaving home at 17

Bogof_Babe

The phrase that worries me is "I'm a strange child". Does your girlfriend realise you still think of yourself as a rather amusing child, when to make your original plan work you really need to be thinking of yourself (and acting) as a reliable, responsible man?

Glad you are coming round to thinking this through properly. You won't regret it, I can assure you of that. There really is no rush.

Silaqui

I have to echo the thoughts above of whoever mentioned being proactive. I live with my b/f, it's been about 2 years now. He has always had everything done for him and even after two years he drives me crazy with always having to be TOLD to do things. I'll come in from work and notice the washing up hasn't been done, or whatever, and he'll say oh yeah but you didn't ask me to do it... No, fair enough I didn't, but it's not like it wasn't obvious!
It's one of the few things that irritates me about him and it's almost the only thing that causes arguments - don't underestimate the power of the washing up!
X

Bogof_Babe

You are right there silaqui, things like that need sorting out right from the start.

I still remember my husband when we had been married a week or so (nearly 35 years ago now), and we both worked full time, saying one Saturday morning "I've cleaned the kitchen floor for you". HANG ON A MINUTE!!! For me? It took both of us to make it dirty, so no way was I taking sole responsibility for keeping it clean. To be fair he never said anything of the sort again!

violagirl

Thank you everyone for all the supportive advice.I think we are reaching a reasonably sensible conclusion now!But I do still feel a little in a whirl as if the ground has been shaken rather in the past few days.
keep the advice/comments coming!

Silaqui

Bogof babe that is so true! Slightly off topic, but what is it with men and cleaning? They make a big show of telling you what they've done as soon as you walk in the door, oh look I've done the hoovering/washing up/moved my socks of the floor...
Yes love, ok what do you want, a biscuit??
lol
x

rev_henry

Well hello everyone. Sorry I haven't posted for quite a while. I've all but given up on this whole thing now. Basically for the variety of reasons we've already discussed. Before I reached this stage though, I did compare again the A-Level results of this college and my school atm. 40% As or Bs looked good to me, until i found out my school got a consistent 80%!!! That put me off pretty sharpish. I then stumbled upon a grammar school quite nearby which looked almost identical to my school, both in terms of results and the whole ethos.
I see what you mean about colleges (sorry if I'm repeating myself) regarding expectations. Both myself and my teachers expect straight As (or A*s) from my A-levels, as I will need for Vet College, so if a college teacher had a 'C is good enough' attitude I would not be happy at all!

I do understand what you're all saying about being told what to do in terms of housework, my gf already says similar things to me!

Thanks again for all your comments

lostinrates

I only saw this from your update, but wanted to suggest a different view, to reassure you that giving up on moving in together is not necessarily showing kack of commitment to each other. DH and I have been together since we were 23 (I think) but for the last 18months/2 years have spent much of the time living apart (although we lived together from VERY early on in our relationship). There was a period of time where he was working in a different country, and now he works in London while I stay in my family's home n the West Country and rather than rent or buy a place that we could live in together at this point in time he lodges and we save each month. We see each other weekly, he arrives friday evenings and returns at stupid o clock Monday mornings, but for a while it was fortnightly, or very occasionally with pressure of work/flight costs even less.

This is not always easy, and I imagine it must feel similar leaving your girlfriend each week to return to school/college, but in the long term it will be good for us. Living far apart is upsetting when you want a hug, or to chat for hours, but it makes every Friday night exciting and romantic. In the mean time, during the week DH has the time necessary to devote to his career, (he works very long hours in a tempestuous market ATM) and he doesn;t have to worry that I am tapping my fingers waiting for him to return to a cold supper. Its a not somethin that works for every one, and something we would love to put an end to, but our longterm dreams ....like yours of being a vet....are worth the sacrifice in our opinion.

Good luck, try and focus on the benefits and excitement of long distance and your commitment to each other can strengthen through this.

The_Girlfriend

hi there. i'd just like to say that i'm henry's gf.
i'm new to forums and this is actually the first time i've ever posted anything so please bare with me.
i'd just like to say thank you to those really positive and helpful people, you are definately the reason that my bf started this thread. however i would just like to say to those that were negative, and even at points rude, that you were no help at all and there was no point in your posts.
i would also like to add that if you've never had a long distance relationship then you can't begin to imagine how difficult it really is! me and henry do love each other no matter what anyone says. the fact that his parents really don't seem to appreciate me is constantly putting pressure on our relationship. (so if anyone has any ideas how we can ease that!!) i don't blame his parents for this and i know that they don't realise how some of the comments they make hurt me. i just wish things were easier.
i've been in my fair share of relationships but its never been like this before. he is so important to me and i really do love him.
he is a very intelligent boy, he is also rather strange but his quirks simply add to his charm. i want to do everything to support him in his career and am constantly telling him to get on with his school work as he does tend to procrastinate. Anyway what i guess i'm trying to say is that we love each other and i don't think any idea should be considered stupid. although we've given up on this one, that is mainly because his mother was so unsupportive. but thank you so much to all those people that invested their precious time in this.
PS. i know he calls himself a strange child, its just one of those silly terms he uses so don't take it so seriously!

Savvy_Sue

welcome!

The_Girlfriend wrote: »

i would also like to add that if you've never had a long distance relationship then you can't begin to imagine how difficult it really is!

Having had long distance relationships both before and after marriage, I know exactly how difficult it really is! However, I also know how fast time passes in the grand scheme of things.

I think we all tend to assume that the way our own family works is 'the norm'. When one family's 'norms' meet another family's 'norms', the result can be 'interesting'.

By the sound of it, your family is open and welcoming, people come and go, some stay a while. So it seems perfectly natural to you that your bf could move in, almost without causing a ripple. Also by the sound of it, your bf's family is not quite the same: for starters he's an only child, his parents don't live together, and he's a bit 'strange'.

Can you see how him leaving his family to move in with yours runs against their 'norms'? It's not that the way your family works is right, and the way his works is wrong, they're just different.

And I do wonder if your family would be as relaxed if the suggestion was made that you should move in with him next summer. Maybe, maybe not.

It also seems a bit unfair to call his mum 'unsupportive', and suggest that her attitude is the main reason why this isn't a good idea. In my opinion, changing schools between year 12 and 13 should be avoided if at all possible, especially by someone who needs to get very good results to do the degree they want. End of. Sometimes it HAS to happen, sometimes there's a really good reason why it should happen, but - and I KNOW this sounds patronising but I'm going to say it anyway! - at your ages, finding it hard to be apart would not for me be a good enough reason!

Your bf's mum was expecting her lad to leave home in about two years' time, and if she had any sense she was starting to prepare both him and her for that time. Suddenly, out of the blue, he wants to leave NOW, and not only that he wants to do it in such a way he's going to ruin his A levels. I exaggerate for effect - can you see how that looks from her point of view?

So let's think how it would look if his mum had been over the moon about the idea, might that not be equally hurtful to him? "Oh look, she can't wait to be rid of me." That feeling, whether justified or not, can be very damaging.

As for his parents not appreciating you, and the pressure that puts on your relationship, I'm not sure what I can say that would be helpful. You each have to make your choices. The first time I went to stay with my mum after getting engaged, we had a blazing row about something completely different, and I packed my things to go. I had to ask DH to walk over from his parents and 'rescue' me, because I was crying too much to drive. He tried to mediate with her, and she said "It's nothing to do with you, you're not one of the family, I have never forgiven her for not coming home after university." Which was actually very liberating, because not going to live at home after university was the best decision I'd ever made.

So, I think my DH knows all about not being appreciated! Which could cause pressure, if we let it. He's civil to my mum, she ignores him as much as she can, but I think she realises that he's the one for me and she's not going to be able to come between us.

Since I've never met a son's girlfriend I don't know how easy it's going to be to show suitable appreciation when the day comes. Seriously there's going to be an element of "My baby is far too young for this" running through my head, even though the eldest is now 21, and I'm going to have to make a conscious effort to overcome this. I'm also going to have to overcome the temptation to give a full interrogation about gf's family, education, career plans, age at which she's going to give me grandchildren etc etc etc on the first meeting.

What I've always tried to do with my MIL is fit in: offer to help, actually go and stand in the kitchen and chat to her if she doesn't want my help, let her do things her way rather than my way even if I think my way is better.

A final thought is that strong relationships are built by strong people. While you're apart, it's good if you can both be independent, fulfilled in what you're doing, not pining for the other and completely dependent on knowing when the next 'fix' is coming. That gives you things to talk about other than how much you're missing each other.

It's long past my bedtime. And I've rambled on. But I'm trying to be fair and see it from both sides here, so it can't be a quick "You're right / you're wrong" kind of answer.

rev_henry

Well hello again everyone, it's been a while since this was last touched. I just thought I'd let you all know we've put a deposit down on a flat together, for September when I'll go to University and she'll continue her college course at a local college.
My parents aren't too happy about it but we're looking forward to it and hope it all works out for us.