Leaving home at 17

rev_henry

Looking for some advice here. I'm 17, and my girlfriend of 18 months has asked me to live with her at their family home. She and I have talked about it to her parents who have thought through it and agreed to it. The main reason we want to is because we live on opposite sides of the country, 4+ hour train ride away, so we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like. This is obviously putting some stress on the relationship, and we've now got a bit fed up of it tbh, so this was our idea of doing something about it. I'm in the middle of my AS levels, and am wanting/thinking of moving after my AS exams, so my education isn't messed up. We've found a good 6th form college that I can go to over there, and I've spoken with the college and all seems ok in principle.

The thing is, I have not yet told my parents and need to very soon. I find my parents very difficult to talk to about these kind of things; my dad (who lives down the road) doesn't particularly care for my gf, and my mother (who I live with) has somehow unintentionally managed to instill a great sense of awkwardness about my gf and that kind of thing. I also have parents evening at school next week, so wanted to tell my Mum at least before then, so we can discuss it a little with my teachers next week.

My GF's parents are completely opposite to mine, the nicest and most supportive people I've ever met; they've said that its ok for me to move there as long as I tell my parents properly etc.

So basically I'm looking for some advice about how to talk to my mother about it. I'm guessing she will either dismiss it as utterly ridiculous and laugh it off, or I'm not quite sure if she were to take it seriously. I obviously don't want to upset her, but feel that this really is what I(we) want to do and want her to know that.

My dad I'm sure will try to tell me I can't or something like that, to which I will point out that at the age of 17 I can if I want, but I'd also like some advice on dealing with him.

Thanks in advance for your replies which I'm sure will be wonderfully helpful! :A

Princess_Jane

I moved away from home aged 17 and it was one of the toughest things I've ever done, but def made me the person I am today. (age 30)

I didn't get on with my parents AT ALL but within a couple of months of leaving home I appreciated them so much more!

Never realised how much they did round the house to keep things nice and how expensive everything was. You have to pay for water??

There were some days when I could have happily run home with my tail between my legs - no money, walking four miles to buy cheap mouldy food from the market to make soup for tea, living in a little flat on my own with no heating and a toilet that froze up in winter, living in really rough areas where the door would get kicked in on a regular basis by local hoodies, my flatmate being beaten up on the doorstep 'coz we wouldn't pay the local thug for pretending to clean out our bin.

But there were also the weekend-long parties, the feeling of independence and learning to run a household.

A word of warning - however nice and chilled they seem, it all changes when someone moves into your home.

Perhaps a test run stay will be better. And if you do go through with it, thrash out the money side of things before you do, so you'll never feel like you're not paying your way, and ask them to lay out some house rules.

And don't burn your bridges with your parents, even if it does cause a row when/if you move out.

madmalteaser

Unfortunately I'm not very knowledgeable about these things so don't really have any advice to offer at this point, but I'm sure someone will be along soon who will be able to.

I just wanted to wish you luck. It sounds like you've thought this through a lot and done your research about your education. What, exactly, would be your living arrangements at your girlfriends house? Would you be paying rent?

I presume (although I could be wrong here) that at the age of 17 you are old enough to make this choice alone, regardless of what your parents say? You do sound very mature for your age but do try to think about all the consequences of a decision like this.. how it will affect your relationship with your parents - and with your girlfriend for that matter, it can be quite stressful living under the same roof, even more so with her parents there.

Hope it all goes well for you though, whatever happens.

KarrieBee

could you spend the summer holidays there as a trial or wait a year and apply to Uni in the same place or move in together when you are both working. I had a boyfriend living at mine when his parents threw him out (yeah what a nice family they were!!) and I found it pretty difficult. Moving in with someone can take a lot of getting used to and making that adjustment to not only living with a partner but her parents may be more difficult than you anticipate.
If your mind is made up I would arrange to speak to your mum first as it is her you are living with, she may be upset at first be if you can be calm and talk through your plans well with her you may find that she treats you with more respect than you thought. Going in on the defensive won't help your relationship with her.
Remember if you do this and it doesn;t work out you need to make sure that you can go back to your mums and not be afraid to admit mistakes.
I left and moved to London with the boyfriend from hell and was soo grateful that I could go home again - not that i'm saying it won't work, I hope it does. I'm just urging caution.
all the best

rev_henry

Thank you so much guys.

Princess Jane, thanks for that insight. As I'm living with my gf's parents I don't think things will be quite like that but very helpful all the same.

Also my gf's parents are very used to having people stay in their house, I'm over there quite a lot as it is (but not enought obv!), sometimes for up to 2 weeks at a time when school allows etc. They've had friends of her sisters living there all the time during the week.

Good ideas about the money side of things. Her parents own a grocery shop, so it will be easy enough for us to sort that out as I'll just do some work there as my rent. But I'll defo discuss it more...
I don't want to burn bridges with my parents, I want them to understand how I feel and why I do. (Sorry that sounds dreadfully emo and depressing!) My Dad has never really understood how things are between me and my gf and I've no idea what my mum really thinks cuz she never speaks her mind, never has done bless her, and I just feel so awkward to ask that kind of thing as I said.

rev_henry

KarrieBee wrote: »

could you spend the summer holidays there as a trial or wait a year and apply to Uni in the same place or move in together when you are both working. I had a boyfriend living at mine when his parents threw him out (yeah what a nice family they were!!) and I found it pretty difficult. Moving in with someone can take a lot of getting used to and making that adjustment to not only living with a partner but her parents may be more difficult than you anticipate.
If your mind is made up I would arrange to speak to your mum first as it is her you are living with, she may be upset at first be if you can be calm and talk through your plans well with her you may find that she treats you with more respect than you thought. Going in on the defensive won't help your relationship with her.
Remember if you do this and it doesn;t work out you need to make sure that you can go back to your mums and not be afraid to admit mistakes.
I left and moved to London with the boyfriend from hell and was soo grateful that I could go home again - not that i'm saying it won't work, I hope it does. I'm just urging caution.
all the best

Thanks for that Karrie. I did kinda spend several weeks over there last summer, so kinda done that one! We were originally hoping to move in together when I went to Uni (she's not going), but we're just fed up with waiting and want to do something now. There's also the complication that she's doing a college course which won't finish till a year after I start uni. Can't really face the thought of waiting till finishing uni, I'm hoping to do vet science, which is 5 or 6 years so that would mean waiting till I'm 24 or something!!!!

Yes I do really need to not go in on the defensive! Thanks for that one, would be a good start. And also about it not working out is a good move as well, although obviously I'm sure it will.

kazwookie

How are you going to pay for other stuff, gas, electric, water, mobile phone, laptop, food, bus fares, school books, clothes, shoes, rent, council tax, etc etc

What will you do if her parents ask you to leave, or your gf does?

Good luck

RedBern

Lots of questions:
how old is your girlfriend? Are you planning to go to uni when you finish 6th form college? Is she planning on going on to further ed? Where will you go - both to the same place? Also, are your girlfriend's parents going to be expecting some financial contribution from your parents? or from you? Are you going to be 'living together' at her parents' home, or are you going to be in the spare room? (sorry, got to be asked ... are your expectations the same as her parents?):o

How about you going to stay over at your girlfriends at weekends for a time? That way, you can get on with your schoolwork during the week and then spend all weekend together. Don't fall out with your parents over this - if things do go awry you may find you need them.

rev_henry

kazwookie wrote: »

How are you going to pay for other stuff, gas, electric, water, mobile phone, laptop, food, bus fares, school books, clothes, shoes, rent, council tax, etc etc

What will you do if her parents ask you to leave, or your gf does?

Good luck

Don't need to pay for utilities etc, we won't be on our own. Bus fares I'll get funded by LEA, I get EMA for school stuff, but it will cover a lot more. Don't need a laptop, I'll use my gf's Clothes and shoes etc I'm not too sure on. I was hoping my parents would continue to pay for those kind of things. I know it sounds like wishful thinking and dreadfully cheeky, but knowing my mum she probably will. Thanks btw!

KarrieBee

you do seem to have thought this through but at the risk of sounding like an old fogie (OMG I'm only 30!!) it seems at 17 that a couple of years is forever but it would be a shame to rush things and perhaps damage a good relationship by putting too much pressure on it too soon. You will have the stress of your A2s next year and it is hard relying on someone for support all the time even as a adult, I don;t think I would have been capable at 17 but only you know if you and your GF are ready for this. As I said in an earlier post I do hope that it works out well for you and I think by talking through all possibilities including the nagatives you put yourself in a much better position.

kazwookie

rev_henry wrote: »

Don't need to pay for utilities etc, we won't be on our own. Bus fares I'll get funded by LEA, I get EMA for school stuff, but it will cover a lot more. Don't need a laptop, I'll use my gf's Clothes and shoes etc I'm not too sure on. I was hoping my parents would continue to pay for those kind of things. I know it sounds like wishful thinking and dreadfully cheeky, but knowing my mum she probably will. Thanks btw!

Some how I don't think your mother / father will continue to pay, you are worried in your first post about how to tell them of your plans.

I am sure your gf's parents will want you to contribute to the gas / elect / water after all you are going to be using it.

I think you need to get a part time job to support yourself.

Like has been suggested I suggest a serious talk with gf's parents and sort out the money and rules long BEFORE you move in.

Like I say good luck, as I have a feeling real life is going to hit you hard.