Leaving Wife

pulliptears

retrocircles wrote: »

If it's only that you don't love her, well that can be solved by communication, marriage counselling and other methods of reconciliation.

You cant force a person to love another with all the counselling and reconciliation in the world.

Maybe OP is in a mid life crisis, or this is a spur of the moment decision, either way it does need a great deal of thought before action and OP hasnt stated whether he has done this or not, but if he is certain in himself that he no longer loves his wife I feel there is little he can do.

cazziebo

pulliptears wrote: »

I applaud the OP, he appears to be considering his wife and children and her best options rather than walking out and leaving them to fend for themselves. There are not many men who do that these days.

Actually - I know and hear of lots of men who do this these days - at least at first. A few months down the line they start to resent it, cut back the payments, get down to the minimum. This process speeds up if a new partner appears on the scene... Just look on these boards for the number of second wives/girlfriends complaining about how much their OH pays to the ex and kids..

There's no good age for your parents to split (I was 40! :eek: ) and my own kids were under three. I think adolescence must be the very worst time. I think you owe it to your 12 year old to rethink this and if there is any chance at all you stay with your marriage.

Mutter_2

This is quite obviously not the whole story.

A guy who's been taken care of by his SAH wife for 21 years decides to live alone in a flat, "because I don't love her."
Pull the other one.

Mrnidgap

Thanks for your comments. Midlife crissis that is what the wife and others say. She knows I am unhappy and have been for a few years but the last year has been the worst. I want to move on, live on my own and change my whole life. This is not an overnight thing and my wife does know I don't love her but she keeps asking me not to leave her. We have been together since I was 16 and I do care a lot for her but I feel as though I am trapped. We have tried talking and I have tried to love her but I don't and speaking to her or anyone else will not change that. A year ago my plan was to wait another 5 years then go but now I think if I do that I will stray and that will change everything. My priority is for my family to remain in the family home, after all it will not sell in today's market. I can pay the whole mortgage and still have enough for me to live on, just. But I need to ensure she will have enough income to pay the bills. I also believe my wife would be better off without me, yes she loves me but she wants to be loved which I can not give her.

pinkshoes

Why not work out what you want to do with your life, and include your wife in those plans? Perhaps she wants a new direction in life too?

Sounds to me you've just got stuck in a rut and are taking the easy and cowards route out.

The best starting point is to change your routine, and do something random! Go sky diving together, or do a bungey jump.

Mrnidgap

I have worked out what I want to do with my life and I do not think a bungey jump will help

snowmaid

If you have been with her 21 years already, I would have thought that this is worth at least trying to save. You don't love her? Instead of trying to stoke up the fires, which every relationship needs, you want to bail because you 'dont love her'? Whats the problem? Can't get it up anymore - perhaps this is your fault and not hers..... She doesn't look as attractive? - I take it you're no picture book yourself with your greying hair and droopy, middle aged stomach and skinny legs. Younger girl showing you attention? - As soon as she has used you financially she will tip you for a younger guy anyway. Oh wot the heck, do your wife a favour and leave her now. I wouldn't wish you on anyone. Sorry for the tone of this post folks, but people like this make me want to vomit! This has to be a troll.....!

teeni

Mrnidgap wrote: »

Been married for 21 years but now I want to move on. No real problems except I don't love her. We have 2 children one at collage the other 12. I want to get my own place and still pay the whole mortgage on the family home. My wife works 12 hours a week and from what I have read she will go on to Income Support who will chase me for Child Support. My problem is the mortgage is £1,000 which is far more than CS but I can not afford both and my wife would not see any of the CS payments. What are the options avaiable?

I presume that you wanted a bit of advice on the financial side of leaving, unfortunatly sometimes you just fall out of love, but as others have said sometimes we just get bored with routine and needs a bit ofspice, been married 31years so have felt like that on occassion over the years.With 21 years invested and children to consider maybe marrage counselling would be an idea before you make the move, but of course it is your decision and none of my business really.

Well if you r wife is on income support she may be entitled to mortgage relief after 13 weeks on the benefit for her 50% of the mortgage interest, ie. £500 You can then meet the £500 that would be your half and that frees up the rest to cover child support. However I would suggest that you discuss this with you r wife to find out what she wants to do should you leave as she may decide she wants to sell and start again. It may be possible to have a mortgage holiday to cover the period until the interest relief kicks in to avoid arrears building up. remeber that any money you give her will effect her entitlement to income support and it may be worth asking the cab to do a calculation of entitlement in various senarios to make sure before you make a decision.

Good luck to all of you with what ever you decide to do.

teeni

Mrnidgap wrote: »

Thanks for your comments. Midlife crissis that is what the wife and others say. She knows I am unhappy and have been for a few years but the last year has been the worst. I want to move on, live on my own and change my whole life. This is not an overnight thing and my wife does know I don't love her but she keeps asking me not to leave her. We have been together since I was 16 and I do care a lot for her but I feel as though I am trapped. We have tried talking and I have tried to love her but I don't and speaking to her or anyone else will not change that. A year ago my plan was to wait another 5 years then go but now I think if I do that I will stray and that will change everything. My priority is for my family to remain in the family home, after all it will not sell in today's market. I can pay the whole mortgage and still have enough for me to live on, just. But I need to ensure she will have enough income to pay the bills. I also believe my wife would be better off without me, yes she loves me but she wants to be loved which I can not give her.

sorry you submitted this whilst i was typing my response. Life is too short to stay because of anyone else, as you say you all need to move on and that includes the children

teeni

cazziebo wrote: »

Actually - I know and hear of lots of men who do this these days - at least at first. A few months down the line they start to resent it, cut back the payments, get down to the minimum. This process speeds up if a new partner appears on the scene... Just look on these boards for the number of second wives/girlfriends complaining about how much their OH pays to the ex and kids..

There's no good age for your parents to split (I was 40! :eek: ) and my own kids were under three. I think adolescence must be the very worst time. I think you owe it to your 12 year old to rethink this and if there is any chance at all you stay with your marriage.

not necessarily if the op is very unhappy and the children know how much pressure would that put on the child if he thinks dad is unhappy because of him. Kids minds work in weird ways especially when they are hitting teens.
None of us know why the op feels the way he does that is his business he asked for advice to ensure his family does not suffer financially whether he stays or not they will suffer emotionally because of how he feels and nobody benefits then. Who knows maybe a period away may make all parties re evaluate the situation and allow for a reunion