Leaving Wife

TigersEye

Mutter wrote: »

Go for it!
If the rope breaks, then all happy.
You get out, Mum and the kids are whooping for joy as they are insured.
Great score all round.

Yes problem solved

ianian99

H4ppyasLarry wrote: »

I was in a similar position to you. My wife and I had been going through a really difficult time with our relationship so we decided to go on the marriage course.
<http://themarriagecourse.org/marriage/welcome/whatisit/default.htm&gt;
Two weeks before we were due to start the course, things were so bad that we decided to separate. However, as a last resort, I pleaded with my wife to still attend the course which she did. We have a two-year-old son so we wanted to do everything we could for his sake.
It was difficult at first but we got through it. It wasn't long until we really enjoyed attending each week. It was like going on a date - We got a lovely meal and then we watched a DVD. Next, we then did some exercises ourselves in private. The DVD presentation was excellent. It was amusing and informative.
The course was amazing and I couldn't believe what we learnt on it. It felt like we had discovered one of the secrets of the universe. My wife thinks now that it should be compulsory for every married coupled to attend this course!
If it wasn't for this course we would be divorced now. I would urge anyone married couple to attend this course. It is not soley intended for those who are having marriage difficulties but to any married couple no matter how long you’ve been married. One couple on our course were married for 2 years, the other 30 years).
It might be something worth thinking about?

SPAM SPAM SPAM

can someone report it

Jo_R_2

Mrnidgap wrote: »

Been married for 21 years but now I want to move on. No real problems except I don't love her. We have 2 children one at collage the other 12. I want to get my own place and still pay the whole mortgage on the family home. My wife works 12 hours a week and from what I have read she will go on to Income Support who will chase me for Child Support. My problem is the mortgage is £1,000 which is far more than CS but I can not afford both and my wife would not see any of the CS payments. What are the options avaiable?

Interesting. OP being as you feel your wife is basically a nice person but you aren't in love with her (paraphrasing but you get the idea) and you are so bothered about the family home then why aren't you considering staying in the family home, caring for your 12-year-old and letting your wife find her way?

Sammz

Charis wrote: »

A perfect example of the pot calling the kettle black, as my Gran used to say.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Not at all. Begging someone to stay is controlling. No?

elkay115

Triggles wrote: »

I don't agree with this. If the situation were reversed, and it was the wife posting on here saying she wanted to "move on" and there were no real problems, just didn't love him, I would be frustrated with her as well and I have no patience for anyone - male or female - that treats marriage so lightly, especially after 21 years. Nobody ever said marriage was easy, sometimes you have to work very hard at it.

As I said previously, the OP really needs to be discussing all this with his wife, a solicitor (for the legal aspects of the house and childcare arrangements) if he decides to go through with it. If I were the wife, I would be very hurt (not to mention offended) that my DH discussed this on a message board with a bunch of strangers rather than sitting down and discussing it with me like 2 rational adults. As we don't know all his financial information, mortgage details, and the like (and don't want to know, thanks!), we can't really give him any specific idea as to what options he has anyway. That's what solicitors get paid for. If he can afford £1000 per month mortgage, plus separate living expenses for himself, he can afford a 1 hour consult with a solicitor, surely.

Not loving someone IS the problem!! If you don't love someone why would you want to remain with them and be miserable and make everyone else round about you miserable? That would be just plain stupid!!

And for the record I am female.

krisskross

Give the guy a break.

Their younger son is 12, plenty old enough to understand.

There is never a right time to end a relationship but this chap has made the decision. It is going to happen. He wants to do the right thing by his family but staying is not an option. For goodness sake he has been with his wife since he was just a few years older than his younger lad.He was very young to make a lifetime committment.

I wouldn't want a bloke to stay with me purely out of duty, there is more to life than that.

I am sure his wife can get a full time job, why shouldn't she? With some financial support from the OP it should all work out.

Good luck with whatever decisions you make

Oldernotwiser

Pssst wrote: »

Not on here they wouldnt.
The Amen corner fully supports a sister who leaves her husband.

But not one who leaves her children!

looby-loo_2

And your 12 year old - ask at his school what the concequences of a split may be

paddy's_mum

I've been accused of many things on these forums. (Fora, for the pedantic perfectionists)

I've been told that at times I make people wince with straight speaking, I've had threads locked, I've been 'shouted' at that how dare I judge, I have been told that I should hang my head in shame. I've also been thanked. The one thing (as yet, at least!) that nobody has ever said is that I treat men and women differently, so I hope my comments here rise above the anti-men/pro-women dispute going on currently.

I would hope that I am truthful when I say that I treat selfishness/unkindness/cruelty - call bad behaviour whatever you choose - the same whether it is a man or a woman doing the poor conduct stuff.

There is one thing I would like to say that may be of relevance to this thread. OP has been (assuming the original posts are reasonably true) constant, loyal and conscientious. There is no suggestion that he has been an %^&*(+£" of any kind.

He now has changed (grown up?) - what person is the same at 16 years of age as they are 20 years later? That is a tremendously young age at which to join your life with another - and don't we older folk tell our youngsters "this is puppy love - you'll get over it - it can't last - one day you'll want your life to go in a different direction" Assuming that the OP is caught in exactly this scenario, what is he to do? Stay and spend the rest of his life feeling that he has been a mug and is giving his family only a fraction of the good of which he is capable? Move out and make a new life, which may not be half so lively and rewarding as he thinks it may be?

I can speak only from experience. I made my full quota of huge mistakes and hopefully, have come out the other side having learned just a little. One thing I did learn is that two mules in a shared harness can pull the heavy cart nowhere if they are not pulling together, in the same direction, with the same degree of effort. If you can't pull together, take the mules out of harness and set them to separate tasks, for all else is a waste of time, however much you may wish for perfect harmony and perfect achievement.

In my day, warring couples stayed together despite pretty much anything. Separation or divorce was heavily frowned upon. Therefore, the adults chose poorly and suffered, their lives were miserable and their innocent children observed and endured too much, which (I am quite sure) affected their own marriage choices and conduct.

Then the scales tipped and separation and divorce became commonplace. Innocent children are caught between warring parents. Money cannot be spread thinly enough. Everyone is miserable. The only thing that I can see that is different today (and thank heaven for it!) is that the abiding love of parents for their children is allowed to rise to the top of the milk and be the most important and valuable thing.

I feel sorry for the OP who, it seems to me, is different from so many other posters whose sole aim when seeking advice is "how can I lawfully shirk my responsibilities" or "tell me a !!!!!! way to evade spending out so that I can fritter the money on which my children must depend upon my whims instead". I suspect we would be furthering the aims of MSE by giving him our best information.

I would join others in urging OP to discuss the whole issue with his wife, since who else is going to find their entire life turned topsyturvy by all this?

Equally, I feel very sad for the wife who is still in love with her husband (the OP) and probably can't think straight once he said he wanted to leave.

OP - if there does indeed happen to be another woman hidden in the wings, then you deserve all the scorn that will be heaped upon you. You will spend years getting your child/children to talk to you again and centuries getting them to trust you once more.

However, in the spirit of your posts and your desire to do the best by everyone in this sad situation, I wish you well.

Oldernotwiser

elkay115 wrote: »

Not loving someone IS the problem!! If you don't love someone why would you want to remain with them and be miserable and make everyone else round about you miserable?

You only make others miserable if you're self indulgent and lack self control!