Marriage troubles (long)

RobertoMoir

natashasprite wrote: »

Hey hey we cannot judge people say lots of horrible things when they are angry and people can change if they realise they need to...

Well actually, yes we can judge. If more people did so, then maybe society as it stands today would be a much more pleasant one to live in.

Some behaviours are unacceptable, end of discussion.

Fizog

Home from work today ill, so have time to help.
You have posted this to :
A) put it down in writing and to discover if others tell you what you know you should be doing already.
I want to ask you ' If you only had 5 years left to live, do you want to live them as you are now, with your children being physically and mentally abused around someone who is treating you as a cash cow and substitute Mother figure?'

Every relationship has problems...it is your life to live as you wish- but his behaviour will influence your children. I work in a secondary school and observe children with appalling manners, low self esteem and mouths like navvies. They are copying learnt behaviour at home and know nothing else.

Mull over everything ...you will need a great deal of courage in the coming months and I wish you all the best for next year, whatever you decide.

moggylover

worryworry, there is not much I can add to the advice people have given on here: except to say that I understand how difficult it can be to make the break (even when you know on all levels that the relationship is abusive and doomed) and to wish you luck and strength in making the right decision for both yourself and your children.

It is always so easy to advise when one is not emotionally involved in the decisions oneself, but I know that in reality we sometimes have to have all that advice and then take our time to process it, strengthen our resolve, and then act on it. No shame in that, you are starting/following the process and I am sure you will come to the best decision when you are able to cope with it, and am also sure that there are many here who will be happy to offer you moral support when you have made that decision.

I will hope for you, because it seems to be what you want at the moment, that he changes: but in all honesty I doubt he will, and I think you doubt that as well and that that is why you have come here to ask for advice, part of you knowing all along what is going to be said;) but needing to see it and hear it in order to help you make a decision that is in part already made somewhere inside you - but needs the strength to push forward.

Good luck and I hope that things go well for you.

Moggy

natashasprite

RobertoMoir wrote: »

Well actually, yes we can judge. If more people did so, then maybe society as it stands today would be a much more pleasant one to live in.

And then maybe people would actually work at their marriage and they would last for years and years rather than for just a short period of time ...that would make a better society....

Stop encouraging someone to break up a marriage at the drop of a hat and actually take up the vows that were promised ...even if the other person is letting their side down.......only if the other person does no longer love you do you let them go ( this does not include someone abusing you or cheating on you though... although even this can come down to forgiveness...people do and can change if they realise what they could lose if they do not)

natashasprite

Worry worry, I really respect you at trying to make things work and I see that that is why you came on the forum ...to ask for advice to help the marriage... not how to break it. Well done for having a chat with him....in time he may tell you about the debts but men find it very very hard to talk about their worries. I wonder if there is a mutual male friend around that can talk to him?

RobertoMoir

natashasprite wrote: »

And then maybe people would actually work at their marriage and they would last for years and years rather than for just a short period of time ...that would make a better society....

Wouldn't argue with much of that. While I think people should be able to leave a relationship when it clearly isn't working, that shouldn't be the first answer to every problem.

natashasprite wrote: »

Stop encouraging someone to break up a marriage at the drop of a hat and actually take up the vows that were promised ...

So where, exactly, did I do that? I do like to be actually be guilty of the things I'm accused of, if that is ok with you.

daphne_descends

natashasprite wrote: »

And then maybe people would actually work at their marriage and they would last for years and years rather than for just a short period of time ...that would make a better society....

Stop encouraging someone to break up a marriage at the drop of a hat and actually take up the vows that were promised ...even if the other person is letting their side down.......only if the other person does no longer love you do you let them go ( this does not include someone abusing you or cheating on you though... although even this can come down to forgiveness...people do and can change if they realise what they could lose if they do not)

The drop of a hat?????????

He called her children !!!!s.

If a man did that to my children he would be GONE in a flash, vows or no vows. It is the absolute absence of any respect for the mother and her children. You can't come back from it. You can't say sorry I called you a !!!! to a child. You just can't. No child should EVER be subjected to that, it is abuse.

aliasojo

natashasprite wrote: »

Stop encouraging someone to break up a marriage at the drop of a hat and actually take up the vows that were promised ...even if the other person is letting their side down.......only if the other person does no longer love you do you let them go ( this does not include someone abusing you or cheating on you though... although even this can come down to forgiveness...people do and can change if they realise what they could lose if they do not)

I applaud your positive attitude and I do agree that people do on the whole tend to give up on marriage a little quicker than they should these days, but I think it's unfair to use the phrase 'break up a amarriage at the drop of a hat' as that is clearly not the case here. These are ongoing problems that the OP's husband is refusing to actually deal with.

Although marriage is a partnership, there does come a point where self preservation has to come into things, especially where children and money are concerned.

The OP knows what needs doing to save her marriage. She's intelligent enough to know how to deal with their financial problems and she knows fine his behaviour around the house and the way he treats the children is not right. The problem is, her husband either wont accept there are any issues, doesn't care enough to actually deal with the issues, or is selfish enough to not want to deal with the issues. Whichever it is, unless he participates fully then the marriage will remain one sided. She came here to ask how to fix things and the only answer is...you can't. Unless the other party is willing. And he is clearly not.

Hawthorn

natashasprite wrote: »

Worry worry, I really respect you at trying to make things work and I see that that is why you came on the forum ...to ask for advice to help the marriage... not how to break it. Well done for having a chat with him....in time he may tell you about the debts but men find it very very hard to talk about their worries. I wonder if there is a mutual male friend around that can talk to him?

You ever been in an abusive marriage Natashasprite?

galvanizersbaby

daphne_descends wrote: »

The drop of a hat?????????

He called her children !!!!s.

If a man did that to my children he would be GONE in a flash, vows or no vows. It is the absolute absence of any respect for the mother and her children. You can't come back from it. You can't say sorry I called you a !!!! to a child. You just can't. No child should EVER be subjected to that, it is abuse.

I agree with you DD but clearly the OP doesn't have the same strong thoughts on the whole calling the kids cu next Tuesday matter

I expect her children will use the same language themselves/or already do if that is how they are spoken to at home.

That said I don't believe WorryWorry thinks it's acceptable behaviour either but at the end of the day her main aim is to keep her marriage together (for whatever her reasons are) so if she choices to ignore it no amount of advice on here will alter that if that is what she is set on doing.
Sadly I fear it will be her children that suffer