Marriage troubles (long)

love_lifer

how about weighing up the pros and cons, maybe write them down?

however, if u aren't getting any positives from a relationaship why on earth stay in it? really, its not good for u, ur partner or the children. drudgery has no merit

worry_worry

We had a chat last night.

He refuses to tell me what the debts are or how serious the problem is, which is annoying as I've got financial qualifications and experience, so I would know how to sort it out. He said that he's had so many charges etc., for missed payments etc., that it's all just snowballed out of control and when he does make payments it just clears the charges and not the balances.

I told him to read the NCCS site and consider sending letters asking people to freeze the interest and work out a payment plan. I told him he must put in he only wants communication in writing to stop the telephone calls. He also has a massive overdraft, so I've said to open another current account elsewhere where he can't go overdrawn, and then write to his current bank as well.

Due to this, he said he can't give me anymore cash a week, so I'm still stuck struggling with what I do get. Randomly an agency contacted me out of the blue yesterday with some ad hoc work, so I'm going to look into that today to see what extra I can earn.

He said he's not going to discipline the children at all and leave it all up to me.

He said he's going to help round the house more, and cooked a meal last night. Will see how this continues as he's said that before, hoovered once and that was it.

We see how things go. Thanks again everyone for their comments. I'll keep this thead bookmarked and keep referring back to it as things progress.

pinkshoes

worry_worry wrote: »

He refuses to tell me what the debts are or how serious the problem is, which is annoying as I've got financial qualifications and experience, so I would know how to sort it out. He said that he's had so many charges etc., for missed payments etc., that it's all just snowballed out of control and when he does make payments it just clears the charges and not the balances.

I'm still a little concerned over his refusal to tell you what debt he is in.

I would perhaps try approaching this again, and maybe even print out all the information for him to read, as to me it still sounds like he's burying his head in the sand over the finance side.

As your husband, he really shouldn't be keeping this sort of information a secret! The whole point of relationships and marriage is TRUST and a partnership.

Secrets like this will destroy a marriage.

aliasojo

Good luck. I know you want this to work out but his refusal to discuss financial things with you and his answer of 'leaving the discipline up to you' is still not right. The house stuff and cooking etc.....well that's just the trivia or marriage really, money and children are the biggies....both of which you just aren't partners in. So he'll cook the odd meal. Great. Shame he wont treat you and the kids with enough respect to change what's really important.

It's all very well seeing how things go but it would be a little silly (imo) to not be pro-active in this situation. If I were you, I'd be keeping one eye on looking after number 1 (i.e. you and the kids) whilst seeing how all this pans out. I know things are tight right now, but I think you should be tucking away any extra you may have in the future as a safety net. It's obvious to a blind man that your husband is number one in his life, I think perhaps you need to develop the same strategy. Which is a shame, because that's not what a good marriage is all about. But then, I dont think what you have is a good marriage. I honestly hope things change for the better for you, but you really should be considering the future, especially as his bad financial decisions are affecting you already.

tori.k

worry_worry wrote: »

We had a chat last night.

He refuses to tell me what the debts are or how serious the problem is, which is annoying as I've got financial qualifications and experience, so I would know how to sort it out. He said that he's had so many charges etc., for missed payments etc., that it's all just snowballed out of control and when he does make payments it just clears the charges and not the balances.

I told him to read the NCCS site and consider sending letters asking people to freeze the interest and work out a payment plan. I told him he must put in he only wants communication in writing to stop the telephone calls. He also has a massive overdraft, so I've said to open another current account elsewhere where he can't go overdrawn, and then write to his current bank as well.

Due to this, he said he can't give me anymore cash a week, so I'm still stuck struggling with what I do get. Randomly an agency contacted me out of the blue yesterday with some ad hoc work, so I'm going to look into that today to see what extra I can earn.

He said he's not going to discipline the children at all and leave it all up to me.

He said he's going to help round the house more, and cooked a meal last night. Will see how this continues as he's said that before, hoovered once and that was it.

We see how things go. Thanks again everyone for their comments. I'll keep this thead bookmarked and keep referring back to it as things progress.

im with pink shoes, the fact he wont tell you where the debt is from is really worrying, mine didnt want to tell me as he felt like he had let me down,but as soon as i asked for the full picture, we sat down with a pen and paper/bank statements and i knew the lot,mine is a old fashion type guy and thinks he should be the breadwinner and took a lot for him to let me take over the finiance,but he never hid from me...you must feel really paranoid...and that's no life for you, him or the kids...tho take heart coz your talking now and in a few days he may open up more...once he thinks it his idea to talk...as for the house work some people are just not tidy by nature and just dont seem to see the mess they are sitting in...you may have to alway's ask him to put the hover round, i gave up waiting to see if the kids/husband will help out round the house and just ask, save's the hassle,i tell them straight if you see the dishes need doing and dont want me to nag then do them...coz your going to do them anyway, stay stong love,big hugs and best wishes x

cobbingstones

Why do I feel like the cleaning, cooking etc is going to stop once he feels yur off his back? Like the above poster mentioned its not really that important anyway, you and the kids are.

OP I really wish you the best, good luck and have a good christmas x

MM

daphne_descends

I'm sorry worryworry, he is walking all over you - everything is his way - opting out of discipline? That's shocking, can't he just agree to control himself, and failing that seek anger management? Do you really think a non-disciplining parent is good for your children?

I am sorry it just doesn't sound like you are putting them first

The refusal to admit his debt - that alone should be a dealbreaker.

If you hyaven't got honesty - well what have you got?

He can't give you any more money - but you don't really know why! He is making a joke out of you - for all you know he could be completely lying and spending his money on beer, gambling, women - whatever, it should be FAMILY money and it's not.

He will only wear you down further.

He sounds truly awful, a bully, irresponsible, and a lousy father to boot

needawayout_2

daphne_descends wrote: »

I'm sorry worryworry, he is walking all over you - everything is his way - opting out of discipline? That's shocking, can't he just agree to control himself, and failing that seek anger management? Do you really think a non-disciplining parent is good for your children?

I am sorry it just doesn't sound like you are putting them first

The refusal to admit his debt - that alone should be a dealbreaker.

If you hyaven't got honesty - well what have you got?

He can't give you any more money - but you don't really know why! He is making a joke out of you - for all you know he could be completely lying and spending his money on beer, gambling, women - whatever, it should be FAMILY money and it's not.

He will only wear you down further.

He sounds truly awful, a bully, irresponsible, and a lousy father to boot

I completely agree.
So sorry you are in this situation worry but it's in your hands to change it. xxx

skintchick

He's paying lip service to make you leave him alone, He will slip back as soon as he feels he can. This is simply not good enough.

He is your husband and you have a right to know the family finances, and that is what they are, FAMILY finances, so you can then work out how best to deal with this.

If he won;t do that he should move out and go back to being your occasional boyfriend.

I feel so sorry for your children in this as it's obvious he doesn;t care for them and for me that alone would be a dealbreaker.

I think you need counselling for why you allow men to walk over you, then to change that boot him out. He is a loser - did you read the link I posted?

I know it's not easy but you will be so much better off without him (and normally I would never advocate breaking up a marriage so you can tell I really think this is serious!).

NAR

Good advice skintchick. worry worry you and your children were better off before this marriage and you know it. Do something about it; don't concern yourself with the "I told you so's".