Marriage troubles (long)

natashasprite

daphne_descends wrote: »

I guess you do mean that he calls your child c-u-*-*'s then - it is them I feel sorry for, don't you owe them more than this?

It would have broken my heart if my mother had let a man like that live with us. Anything less than changing the locks is condoning and enabling this behaviour.

I don't mean to sound quite so harsh but don't your children come first?

Hey hey we cannot judge people say lots of horrible things when they are angry and people can change if they realise they need to...

daphne_descends

natashasprite wrote: »

Hey hey we cannot judge people say lots of horrible things when they are angry and people can change if they realise they need to...

You are honestly telling me not to judge a man who calls a child - a CHILD !!!!!! - a !!!!? Because I will judge - that is absolutely disgusting. No excuse, none at all, everyone gets angry, and everyone says things they don't mean but my word - there is a line and this is so so so far over it.

Saying !!!! is not an overreacting, and overreaction is 'I hate you!' - horrible but you can take that back. You can't take back such a crude, vulgar and deeply offensive insult.

And I have yet to hear of a man (or woman...) who has changed to that degree.

natashasprite

I know someone who used to be abusive towards his wife and he has completely changed and not laid a finger on her for years and years , they are very much in love and the children are happy to see their parents have made it work and have changed and sorted things out. And my husband himself has changed he would say horrible emotionally damaging things and this has not happened for at least a year...and I am sure there are people on here who's husbands have changed... but yes you have to make a step and a stand to make men realise their behavior is not fair...but it does not mean the end of a marriage or family.

aliasojo

natashasprite wrote: »

I know someone who used to be abusive towards his wife and he has completely changed and not laid a finger on her for years and years , they are very much in love and the children are happy to see their parents have made it work and have changed and sorted things out. And my husband himself has changed he would say horrible emotionally damaging things and this has not happened for at least a year...and I am sure there are people on here who's husbands have changed... but yes you have to make a step and a stand to make men realise their behavior is not fair...but it does not mean the end of a marriage or family.

What stands out for me though is that the OP's husband seems to have rather a lot of different things that he isn't very nice about. It isn't just one or two issues they have. You can work at sorting problems out, and people can change things they do.....of course they can BUT this man seems to have so many things he needs to work on that I suspect his basic character just isn't all that nice tbh and there may well always be issues. (Sorry OP, I understand seeing the person you love being discussed like this must be a bit upsetting.)

As for the remark about calling the children that word in anger......yes, people do say things in anger that they regret later BUT no decent person would use that word to children, angry or not. IMO.

natashasprite

No parent SHOULD use bad language towards their children ...but we live now in a generation where sadly even primary school kids call each other the C word and they know exactly what they are saying....Which is just awful and there is no excuse for it and the person should stop...but it is a horrible world and for improvements to be made we have to help a person realise what they are doing or things will only get worse...a family should not be broken just because someone swears at kids ...the person must stop and been shown and helped to stop ...then if that does not work action should be taken... but first try and help and sort things.....

wannabe_sybil

Natashasprite - I don't think using ugly language is the BIG problem. I think the 'how do I afford to get enough food on the table and when do I find time to cook it because I get no help' is the big problem. Also things like no sex. Also not eating anything but ready meals and insisting beer is bought out of housekeeping.

Being abusive and derogatory to the mother is just part of a big picture. My experience is, regrettably, that people do not change. You have quoted instances where people change, but under pressure it is very difficult not to go back to basic type.

paddy's_mum

Perhaps worryworry should tell us what her husband does within the home and their lives together that does make her proud of him and loving towards him.

I'd bet money that her parents/family loathe the man and have done almost since day one. Would I be right in thinking that those who know and love you almost begged you not to marry this man?

Loretta

This marriage is over, you know that, you have posted this as the last final think about it all.

You have managed before as a single parent and it sounds like you are very good at managing money. The only thing left now to think about seems to be how you would manage financially so you should write a list and make a plan. If he is spending like this and you are paying for everything I am sure you will be no worse off if he goes and you and the children will be much happier without him.

I think you have made your decision and I am sure it is the right one all you have to do now is find the courage for the next step

I wish you the very best of luck, just think by this time next year it could all be done and settled and you and your children could have settled into a new and happy life

poet123

natashasprite wrote: »

Hey hey we cannot judge people say lots of horrible things when they are angry and people can change if they realise they need to...

Lots of things are said in anger,but decent men do not speak to children in this manner no matter how angry they are. As Daphne says, there are lines which should not be crossed and and my book this is certainly one of them.

Sometimes as a society we are not judgemental enough,and sometimes the results are catastophic. I am sure there are pockets in schools where this language is used......fortunately I have never experienced it,could not excuse it,and cannot believe it is the norm. If we do not pass judgement on this type of thing we are letting down a generation of kids.

Without wishing to offend the OP,(but probably about to)can you look in the mirror and say with certainty that your kids feel happy, loved and safe? if not then surely you have your answer?.

annie_d

Pack his bags and get rid of this dreadful, terrible man