Marriage troubles (long)

wannabe_sybil

Hmm. Continue to suffer lack of affection, verbal abuse, emotional blackmail, stress from lack of money, exhaustion or...

No, Natashasprite, for you there is no or. Only just carry on. Not everyone changes. Not everyone is willing to change. Refusing to admit what the debts are about is not an indication that there is any likelihood of respite.

My view is that marriage is a sacred institution that should be worked at and cherished, but not to the point where it is abusive. If worry worry asks the husband to leave then he may perhaps wake up and take such steps that are needed to regain the marriage. He is not currently taking those steps. Until and unless he does so, why should any human being be put in the position of worry worry?

MrsGrey

I think the previous posters have covered most of the basics.
Perhaps the hardest part for you, both now and in later relationships, is facing what has been in it for you, in a hidden way. I don't mean what is good about him, but what you are getting out of continuing to go along with his childish and abusive behaviour. In your post there is a lot of " I have to". I'm sure it feels as if you do have to. Perhaps what you get out of colluding with this man is that you get to continue to feel like a good person and in the right. The worse he is and the more tolerant you are, the more you are the persecuted victim. I am NOT excusing him, I am just saying that it ALWAYS takes two - and you have a responsibility also in that you have let him get away with this. The bad news is that there are no other prizes, and your children are suffering. Own your rage and use it to get out. No more Mrs Nice Guy! :mad:
It will be tough, as you are then no longer a suffering victim who can blame someone else, but you will gain in strength and this will also help your kids. Kids brought up in this way tend to repeat the pattern and I'm sure you don't want that.
BTW, my experience predicts that this guy is beyond the talking phase. Consider also if you fear him being violent with you if you challenge his behaviour in a direct and forthright way. If so, only speak in the company of a counsellor or trusted friend, for your own safety. Or take the advice of one of the other posters and leave when he is away and be prepared to take out a non-harrassment injunction.
DO go to a counsellor for yourself. Go to the BACP website and search for someone local to you. Or send a private message through the site and I will be happy to help you find someone affordable and qualified. (Not me!)
Go girl!

spendaholic

natashasprite wrote: »

Stop encouraging someone to break up a marriage at the drop of a hat and actually take up the vows that were promised

This is hardly the drop of a hat. He's hit her kids, !!!!!!. That is inexcusable. what happened to the vows that say "love, honour and cherish"?

natashasprite wrote: »

even if the other person is letting their side down.......

"Letting their side down"? Quite an understatment there.

I've been the victim of a physically abusive partner in the past - have you? - and it IS difficult to get up and walk out. Very difficult for lots of reasons. However, the minute he raised a hand to one of my PETS he walked - well, I helped him ...

What you take yourself is down to you but when you are responsible for another living being you have a duty of care towards that being. If I'd got kids and he hit them I'd have killed him.

I'm sorry if this is blunt and I DO know it's difficult, but the minute he laid a finger on one of MY kids, whether they were his or not, would have been either the last minute of his life or the last but one minute before *I* walked.

OP has a lot to consider here, but if it were me, he wouldn't have got past hitting anyone, let alone anything else. Sure, people change, but how long should someone put up with this kind of abuse while they get around to it? Let them go away and prove they've changed, and then earn the right to return.

MoneySavingMumof2

I think we need to ask NatashaSpryte this question:

If this was your relationship, and these things were happening to you, would you stay???

I think the answer is probably no, and god forbid if the answer is yes, then perhaps NatashaSpryte needs to take a long look at her own self worth and values.

If the op does decide to leave this man, then that is her choice, no one elses, regardless of marriage vows. Her partner certainly hasnt taken them seriously.

Geenie

Apart from the OP and her children being treated badly in my view, someone "buying games consoles and gadgets" doesn't sound to me like a person ready to deal with their debts and give his family a better life.


The OP states that he moved into her home, and I don't know the law, but would be worried about how his debt could impact on her and any rights he may have now to equity in it if owned outright. Also his debt could be affecting her credit rating if tied into the same address. There will be others on here who know how these things work, but I have seen some horror stories on here of partners being left with the mess of debt run up by OH's without them realising their details or property were being used to back up getting credit.

If he is not going to be upfront about his debt and think only of himself, I think the OP needs to start thinking about herself and the children now, and disassociate herself from him as soon as possible, until he gets it all sorted out.

natashasprite

MoneySavingMumof2 wrote: »

I think we need to ask NatashaSpryte this question:

If this was your relationship, and these things were happening to you, would you stay???

I think the answer is probably no, and god forbid if the answer is yes, then perhaps NatashaSpryte needs to take a long look at her own self worth and values.

If the op does decide to leave this man, then that is her choice, no one elses, regardless of marriage vows. Her partner certainly hasnt taken them seriously.

I have been in a mentally abusive relationship but not physical... like I said though a close friend of mines husband was physically abusive and he has changed... and my husband never says horrible things anymore....thats why I say people can change ...I was very close to walking out ...but I am so glad I did not because now my husband is very wonderful and he appreciates me so much more and we have a lovely relationship.


As far as children goes this is the only way I can judge...no child should be abused but if the person is going to stop and they are sorry it is not worth putting a child through a divorce which is also very traumatic...

wannabe_sybil

Natashasprite - I am really glad that things have changed for you, and I am glad that you have managed to make your marriage work. I agree that it is really important to try and build a stable relationship, especially if there is children.

However, for there to be change there has to be the desire for change, which worry worry has not indicated. Perhaps later, when the husband realises what he has lost, then there can be change and after reconciliation. Children will assume that when they are verbally and physically abused that they somehow deserve it. I think that when children are suffering so much that at the very least a trial separation may be a good idea. It is likely if this continues that the children will be damaged, if not so already.

natashasprite

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

Natashasprite - I am really glad that things have changed for you, and I am glad that you have managed to make your marriage work. I agree that it is really important to try and build a stable relationship, especially if there is children.

However, for there to be change there has to be the desire for change, which worry worry has not indicated. Perhaps later, when the husband realises what he has lost, then there can be change and after reconciliation. Children will assume that when they are verbally and physically abused that they somehow deserve it. I think that when children are suffering so much that at the very least a trial separation may be a good idea. It is likely if this continues that the children will be damaged, if not so already.

Yes this may be needed depending on how oh now acts ...someone does need to be sorry and although we do not expect fairytale apologies you can tell when someone means it...and if there are no sorrys then maybe like you say a break is needed ...to help the oh realise what they have and what they would lose ...and then they need to change

poet123

This may not be a popular view, but tbh I dont believe that any man who acts in the way described, or who bullies/abuses a weaker person emotionally or physically will ever really change. They may pay lip service to change,for their own ends,and while all is on an even keel. But in tough times,when things are not going so well,they will revert to type.

I have been married a long time,and would not advocate leaving a marriage lightly, but my advice would be at the first sign of any of the above,get out and dont look back,no second or third chances. Or waste your life,and end up regretting that you allowed someone excercise such control over you that even the self preservation instinct was supressed.

Mely

Poet,,,i couldnt agree with you more!
My dad was abusive mentally, and physically violent when i was a child/teenager. My mother never left him for many years. He would always PROMISE that he would change. He NEVER did. I dont think men like this really can change and usually revert back to type. You have to think of the children and what they are being put through, and not just yourself and get out of the relationship ....asap!