Marriage troubles (long)

worry_worry

I'm a long standing poster here, but feel embarrassed to post all of this under my real name. My marriage is in trouble and I don't know how to save it.

A few issues have arisen and I've put up with them for a while but finally snapped last night and told him I was sick of the way I was being treated.

When we first met, I was working part time and claiming working tax credits etc., as a single parent. He agreed when he moved in that he would give me what I lost in single parent benefits. However, I didn’t factor in the additional expenses of him living with us such as the increase in council tax as I lost my single person discount, and the cost of his food, toiletries etc. He’s never increased the amount he pays me.

Due to the way day to day living costs have gone, especially food and utility bills, plus we’ve had another child who needs feeding, clothing etc., our expenses have gone up quite a lot. At the moment I feel a lot of resentment about this. Basically he is contributing about a third of his income to the household running costs, and I’m putting in 100% of mine and struggling to get by.

Although he has quite a lot of money left over for personal spending, he has somehow managed to run up a lot of debt. I’ve no idea what on as he won’t tell me. I’m scared to answer the telephone now as it’s normally people he owes money to and he won’t speak to them. He gets a lot of official looking letters which I think are debt related but I’m just speculating here as he doesn’t tell me what is in them. He just seems to be burying his head in the sand hoping it will all go away, meanwhile I’m worrying in case the bailiffs come round. I already have experience of dealing with these people, as the previous owners did a moonlight flit, and I had debt collectors calling for them. It wasn’t nice.

I’m currently annoyed as he hasn’t contributed a penny towards Christmas. I’ve had to buy all the presents for the children and all the relatives, and he hasn’t offered anything towards the food for Christmas dinner.

He borrows money from me and I don’t always get it back and asks me to buy him beer and ready meals as he won’t eat the meals I prepare, but I don’t always get the money back that I spend on his beer and food.

Despite all of this, he’s just spent a few hundred pounds on himself buying a games console and some other gadgets.

At home he washes up after tea, although there is often food left on the stuff and he never cleans the sink out afterwards, so I end up re-washing stuff and cleaning the sink. That’s his sole contribution to the household. I do all the other cleaning, laundry and other household jobs. He says he works full time, so he needs a rest on an evening. However I work full time hours too, and it builds resentment when he’s laying around watching a film or playing on the computer on an evening, while I’m still working. He had a week off work recently and did absolutely nothing, whereas I was poorly a few weeks back and went back to bed for a couple of hours, and he wasn’t very happy about it as he had to look after the children. I don’t mind hard work, but I feel it’s unfair that he isn’t pulling his weight around the home.


We’ve got no sex life whatsoever. I’ve tried asking for it, and I bought some stuff to spice things up. He took that and it’s not seen the light of day since. If I do get lucky, it’s not like it used to be – just quick and mechanical, with little foreplay etc. I’m a bit shy when it comes to sex as I was sexually abused in the past, and I don’t really know what to do about this at all.


I don't like the way he treats my children from my first marriage. He has no patience with them, and they get sworn and shouted at a lot, and he hit them a few times which concerns me. I don't agree with the way he disciplines them, but if I intervene, then I'm siding with them and I get into trouble too. Our parenting styles are very different and it causes conflict.


I think I just feel like a skivvy rather than a wife. I just feel like I pay for everything, I do everything and I get little back in return.

I’m sure I’ve got my faults and I’ve obviously done something to make him treat me like this, but I’m not sure what I’ve done wrong as he doesn’t like discussing relationship stuff. I’ve asked before if we can go to Relate or similar but he said I’d have to go on my own, which defeats the object really. I've tried to discuss bits of this in the past, but I always get accused of being in huff and it gets swept under the carpet.


Just wondered if anyone had any ideas of how I can tackle this and make things work. Although I feel resentment at the money, household jobs etc., I still love him and still like him as person, so I don’t want to lose him.

Sorry it’s so long.

Triggles

Sorry, this puzzles me. You want to try to make things work with someone who hits your kids? I put up with that type of behaviour from my ex for awhile, but the minute he lifted his hand to my child, I packed up our stuff and me and my child were gone. He's extremely lucky I didn't report him to the police and have him arrested. Thankfully, I eventually met a wonderful man who treats me well and treats our children well. Nobody "does something" to make someone treat you like dirt - except allowing them to continue to do so. That's something it took me a long time to figure out. If you can't find the strength to just leave, at least go to Relate or similar counselling by yourself.

SugarSpun

You haven't done anything to deserve being treated badly. More to the point, nor have your kids.

A relationship should be founded on equal principles, and clearly yours isn't. You can keep trying to make it work or start thinking about whether you'd be better off alone. It's hard to know which, and I wish you luck.

jack*tigger

Pack his bags for him one day while he's at work. Get someone to babysit the kids for the evening. Then when he comes home have a proper sit down talk. Lay it all out for him - how hard it is to work and look after the kids, how its a partnership not a hotel, how worried you are about money, how much things cost these days etc. Everything. Make sure he knows you still love him but that things have got to change.

If he is prepared to sit and talk and work through things all well and good.

If he's not he can take his bags and go until he is.

This isn't going to get better on its own. You are going to have to be brave and force the issue before it gets very much worse. Easier said than done I know.

Good luck !

plzhelpmesave!

I agree with Jack*tigger. You need to take a stand NOW rather than letting it go on. Doing something visibly drastic like packing his stuff up will show him you mean business and he needs to do something to keep his family together.

I know its hard hun, i have 2 friends right now who are both in the middle of trying to save their marriages, but please don't blamce yourself. Remember who and what you are and look at how much you have achieved in your life - don't let one man take it away from you.

Good luck hun x

stef240377

Maybe i am reading between the lines but it seems there will be no way forward unless you can both sit down and talk over how you got in to this situation.

Also i think that because you have been abused in the past you are too easy to blame yourself when things go wrong and take a back seat thinking that the person you love is also your protector, this is so wrong on many levels. Unless you stand up and make yourself heard it will continue down the same path.

Parenting skills do differ from person to person and while many people think nothing of smacking a naughty child others are outraged by it. Your partner may think that discipline is needed and has intervened thinking he is doing you a favour but is left feeling undermined if you are challenging him about his approach infront of the children, which will then lead to the kids resenting him aswell.

If after sitting down and discussing all your issues (write a list in order of priority that you want things raised) you are still banging your head against a brick wall im afraid it may be time to part company. You have already expressed you managed fine on your own before and after some readjustment could quite easily do it again.

Whilst trying to talk to your partner arrange for someone to have the children it could make matters worse for them to hear you arguing and even if it is done while they are in bed they will still hear you and pick up on the tension.

Good luck with it and hope it works out for the best in what ever you decide.

cobbingstones

I would like to mirror what Stef240 has written so well.

Try and take time to TALK! without blame. Only you know what you want. Please try and discuss the punishment of children asap, because this needs your urgent attention. It sounds to me that he talking his frustrations out of them, and they must feel confused and hurt that you're not backing their corner. I don't mean this as a put down at all, please don't take it the wrong way!

Wishing you good luck

MM

worry_worry

The children thing bothers me most. I agree with a light smack as a very last resort, which I've done on a handful of occasions, but he reacts too quick and too heavy handed IMO, and I don't like them being sworn at. I hate the C word etc., and don't think you should call children that.

If I say something at the time, then I undermime him and he goes off on one with me. But if I don't say anything at the time, the children think I don't care. Just can't win on that one.

They're not really naughty children either. Just normal children who get up to a bit of mischief and arguing with each other now and again.

He's not speaking to me at all now, so I'll try talking again later if he's in a better mood.

I'm not scared of being on my own. I've done it before and I can do it again, and financially I'll be no worse off than I am now. I'd just rather try and save things if I can.

pinkshoes

This isn't a marriage - it's having another child to deal with!

I would give him an ultimatum. Either he has his wages paid into your bank account, and explains exactly what debt he's in, or it's all over and he needs to move out. If you don't have honesty and trust, then you don't have a marriage. End of story.

How many years were you together before getting married? Has he always been like this??

You deserve a lot more than this.

aliasojo

worry_worry wrote: »

I'd just rather try and save things if I can.

Why?

I'm struggling to see any positives in this relationship. What is it about it that you want to keep? Are you sure it's not habit or the unwillingness to accept another failed relationship that's the reason you want to save it?

If there are indeed still some positives left, are they enough to balance the negatives? Are they enough for you to work on?

You say you still like him as a person, that's the bit that worries me tbh. How can you like someone who is selfish, greedy, intolerant, quick to anger and is to be frank, a user. Is this really the life you want? I'm all for trying to sort out problems and I do think people on the whole tend to separate too quickly without working on their problems first....but in this case, I think you and the children would be better without him.

Please think about this seriously. Your children look to you for care. Your partner yelling and hitting them is not care. His unwillingness to discuss things and his dismissive attitude towards your points says loads about him tbh.

Try to imagine a friend or a sister or someone close in your position. What would you tell them to do?

belfastgirl23

I think you need to talk to him and tell him you're deeply unhappy in the relationship. And tell him that you are so deeply unhappy that you are beginning to think that you might be better off apart. How he reacts will give you everything you need to make that decision. If he tries to brush it off you need to make it very clear that the next step for you is relate and after that the next step will be splitting up if he isn't prepared to talk about it. As madsmum says you need to talk without blame. After all you have allowed this state of affairs to emerge and continue. I know that sounds harsh but a relationship is two people. And both carry certain responsiblities for their own happiness.

Either he will be gobsmacked that this is how you feel and will try to shape up or he really genuinely won't care. The latter would be hurtful but you'd be best off knowing. The former would actually be more work in the end up.

It is very easy in long term relationships for people to not notice how their partner is feeling and to take them for granted. I'd say give him a chance and see if you can shock him out of the old routine. And if you can't then at least you'll know you've tried....