Marriage troubles (long)

tori.k

I agree to with the above's, you gotta sit down a have a honest talk,if he wont then tell him to walk, you managed as a single parent before you cope again, its not his/your money its the family income and all out goings should be out this pot,he's your husband not the loger,.....tho it may it be that he is worried and depressed over his finacial mess,and is burying his head in the sand,maybe be why he is short tempered and lacking motivation, im going thru a similar thing with my husband at the mo,if you can get him to open up that's half the battle won...good luck and best wishes xx

skintchick

I agree with what's been said. This is your HUSBAND???!!! He contributes nothing, financially or emotionally, he HITS your children and he treats you like dirt - WALK OUT!

Please have a read of the below link. THere are four pages so I can;t put all the text on here but some of it may ring true for you:

http://www.enotalone.com/article/4112.html

Seriously, though, you should never have agreed to that financial arrangement. He is taking advantage and you need to boot him out. Can I ask how old you both are?

daphne_descends

HE calls your children c-u-!-t-s?

poet123

That, in itself, would be enough for me,no child should have to grow up where that kind of derogatory term is the norm. Get him out now.

sarymclary

I have to agree with the posters here Worry Worry. I think that this all needs to be broken down into different areas.

The priority area is the treatment of your older children. I think some step-parents find it nigh on impossible to 'feel' very connected to children who aren't their own. Whilst they may do a good job of trying to maintain a friendship, there isn't the unconditional feelings there, and in moments of upset the true feelings will come to the fore. I absolutely, totally would not allow my children to be sworn at by any person, regardless of their relationship with them (parent, sibling, grandparent, friend, step-parent, etc). What this behaviour shows is that he feels both resentment of them, and possibly jealousy of their bond and connection to you, which threatens his status within the household.

The next area for attention is his hidden debt, inability to pay his way fairly within the household. He possibly sees that if he contributes more, then he's paying for children that aren't his. He took on his role as step-father when he decided to marry you, and with that role came a level of responsibilty on a moral, personal and financial basis. He is shirking this role, abusing the authority it brings, and punishing you for having children that aren't his. He is trying to get you to support this point of view, by getting you to treat him to beer/ready meals, which I suspect is a throw back to life before you? This screams to me that 'he's not bought into the family'. He isn't fully committed to you all, which is why he feels no guilt about not making further contributions on a practical level, and is able to sit playing on a games console, bought with money he shouldn't be wasting on himself.

No sex. This tells you so much more about how he views you as a partner, a woman, and the love interest in his life. Unless he has a physical problem preventing him from performing (which the stress of the £ could do), I find it difficult to imagine a man of his age not wanting a sex life. Unless things started off patchy, and not very actively. Have either of you changed dramatically, physically? My ex put on quite a bit of weight and felt too self-conscious at times. The fact that you are making attempts to instigate sex, and he has gone as far as hiding the items you got to spice things up is not right. Any normal man would have been delighted. Could he be getting sexual gratification elsewhere, via the internet, or paying for a service?

I think matters between you two are at such a low point that you need professional guidance to steer you through all these major obstacles. If you do not address the major issues appearing here, they will continue to remain in your relationship, and will not just go away.

I think you need to look deep inside yourself and ask yourself some very hard questions.
Do you want your children to grow up living with a person who resents them, shows them contempt and aggresion, whilst you stand by supporting him?
What message do you think you are giving to your children, to stand by allowing this behaviour towards you and them to continue?
If you saw your child/grand-children on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour, what would your advice be?
Why do you think you have no sex life?
Why do you think your husband appears to not want a sex life with you?
What is it your husband does for you, right now, that makes you love him deeply?
Imagine yourself in 20 years time looking back at you now, what advice would she offer you?

I hope you find a way to resolve matters, but I really do recommend you getting some professional help.

natashasprite

You just need to talk, talking is important but men find it very hard and some things just take time to sink in. Everyone has these faults and it is common for men to not realise until they are asked. Unless you ask they dont realise as they do not think like I us. First just ask for some help in a nice way, dont just come out with everything at once as I find they just shut off. Deal with one thing at a time as that is all they can handle. Do it when you have had plently of sleep and prioritise which is the most important thing you want to deal with first. Your husband may have confidence problems that links with the lack of intimacy ...so make sure you do show you appreciate him and tell him so ...even if you dont feel like you do... and hopefully he will become a man you do appreciatte ..just as I do my husband now after lots and lots of hard work

natashasprite

sarymclary wrote: »

I
No sex. This tells you so much more about how he views you as a partner, a woman, and the love interest in his life. Unless he has a physical problem preventing him from performing (which the stress of the £ could do), I find it difficult to imagine a man of his age not wanting a sex life. Unless things started off patchy, and not very actively. Have either of you changed dramatically, physically? My ex put on quite a bit of weight and felt too self-conscious at times. The fact that you are making attempts to instigate sex, and he has gone as far as hiding the items you got to spice things up is not right. Any normal man would have been delighted. Could he be getting sexual gratification elsewhere, via the internet, or paying for a service?

There are many men who are not into intimacy at certain times in their life ... especially those who lack confidence or have health problems ...do not take it personally and do not think the worst. Think positive until proved otherwise...this is a much more common problem than you think

Dormouse

I'm so sorry to hear about your problems, OP

I can't really add anything to what's been already said. You deserve better than this, and your children deserve better than this. You've got to find a way to make him listen.

He sounds like the sort of person who bottles it all in and he's probably found it hard adjusting to a ready-made family and a new child. He's not good at expressing his feelings - maybe his background has affected him? You know him better than anyone, so I hope you can find a way let him know just how bad you think things are. It's hard doing that without blaming him, I know...

Good luck hun

worry_worry

Thanks so much everyone.

There's a lot to take in and I've been having sneaky peaks from work this morning and chewing over things, but couldn't reply till now.

I'm going to mull over all the bits on here, even the bits I don't like - lol, and see how I go from there.

daphne_descends

I guess you do mean that he calls your child c-u-*-*'s then - it is them I feel sorry for, don't you owe them more than this?

It would have broken my heart if my mother had let a man like that live with us. Anything less than changing the locks is condoning and enabling this behaviour.

I don't mean to sound quite so harsh but don't your children come first?