Marriage troubles (long)

cobbingstones

OP do the children see their biological dad? Also are there any same patterns in this and the last relationship?

MM

aliasojo

Mely wrote: »

The op`s husband is calling her children the 'c' word! That alone (and goodness knows what else he is calling them) will damage them emotionally. If hes the type of guy to be so mentally abusive to children, i cant imagine him giving them a little tap on the bottom for being naughty!

I do agree with you, I'm just trying to see the bigger picture without assuming too much.

I keep getting this nagging feeling that wont go away though.......I'm kinda wondering if the kids are used to swearing generally and although the OP doesn't like this particular word, it's maybe not registering as anything more than 'just not very nice' to her, whereas the rest of us would have jumped on him from a great height the minute he spoke to the kids like that. I think the biggest concerns for her are perhaps not the same as what our biggest concerns would be, in the same situation, simply because she's scared to be too assertive as she doesn't want to lose him. I think we can all agree that love isn't the most rational of emotions, is it?

My OH is not the biological father of my eldest..only the youngest so I'm trying to empathise with the OP to a degree. Step families always have a rougher time than straightforward A+B+biological kids type families. There's a lot of adjustment needed and stress levels are usually a lot higher.

The more I think about this though, the more I think she has let him act in this way as she simply didn't want to rock the boat too much in case he left her. Unfortunately it has got worse and built up to such a degree that she's a bit fed up now.

I think she needs less talking and more action now tbh.

Anyway I think she's probably had enough of us discussing things now that she seems to have made a decision....and I wish you would all shut up too as I have loads to do but my nose keeps getting the better of me and I keep joining in the discussion.

Money_maker

Interesting subject. I stand on the side which agrees that an occasional (not regular) smack is sufficient punishment. However, this kind of swearing at children is horrific.

I know of a family where the children are regularly called little sh_ts and emotionally abused. The mother cannot talk without swearing. In turn, the two youngest children (7 and 5) use swearing in everyday language which is so sad. Its a case of 'mummy says it?' - so it must be right? They are already banned from some kids houses.

Children must be cherished and loved - always. A mothers duty is to protect, need I say more.

bringmeshoes

my mums second husband was like this, he worked & spent all his money on golf & booze while she paid for everything else, he was also mentally and physically abusive to us but my mum never stopped him. this has really affected me and although she has since split up with him ( nothing to do with how he treated us) my relationship with her is strained to say the least as i can never forgive her for letting him treat us like this. do you want this to be how your relationship is with your children in years to come because they felt you always took his side?

worry_worry

madsmum wrote: »

OP do the children see their biological dad? Also are there any same patterns in this and the last relationship?

Biological Dad had little to do with them when he was here, and see's them briefly a few times a year now (his choice as I've never blocked access). Ex was just a control freak and a bully. I was told what I was allowed to wear, who I was allowed to speak to and so on. I'd been saving up in secret and had my name on the council housing list when I caught him messing around with someone else, so I just let him walk away as it was an easy way out for me.

Also wanted to add that I don't condone swear words and the children have never heard any from me or my relatives.

Husband has never had children and has a poor relationship with his own family (never knew birth father and has had numerous "uncles") and his mother is awful. She verbally abused me a lot, so we broke contact with her and he's not really said anything nice about her or his childhood. I guess he never experienced good parenting as a child which may make him have a short temper with mine.

He has been trying to control his temper and hasn't shouted as much at the children over the last few days. They were having a right old giggle together last night which was nice to see, my youngest gave him a hug and a kiss at bedtime. He doesn't always do that. Small steps but we'll see how things go.

wannabe_sybil

Worry worry - wishing you all the best.

It may be useful for your husband to try and deal with what his childhood was like. It sounds like it is a major source of trouble. Perhaps you can get him to open up to someone, I know it is difficult with men, but it may really help your relationship and his relationship with your children.

I also think that you need to try and work out how to deal with the finances, because it is not really about the money, it is about the stress, worry and conflict. If that can be sorted and your husband feel a little more in control there, it may help. Can you get help from someone like a counsellor to suggest ways of approaching it?

Please take care of yourself, and know that you can post on here anytime for support and hugs.

Mely

Bringmeshoes....ive been through the same experience with my own father, as you have with your step father, with him being mentally abusive and violent. My mother left him when i was about 22! She also left him for another reason and not for how he acted, as i was growing up. I have NOTHING to do with him now and never will. Over the years ive had a difficult relationship too with my mother as i cant believe she let it go on! That is why ive tried to give my advice to the op...i havent been having a go honestly, and i wish her all the best. xxxx

bringmeshoes

Mely wrote: »

Bringmeshoes....ive been through the same experience with my own father, as you have with your step father, with him being mentally abusive and violent. My mother left him when i was about 22! She also left him for another reason and not for how he acted, as i was growing up. I have NOTHING to do with him now and never will. Over the years ive had a difficult relationship too with my mother as i cant believe she let it go on! That is why ive tried to give my advice to the op...i havent been having a go honestly, and i wish her all the best. xxxx

i also havent been having a go at the op and hope she doesn't think that i was, i just wanted her to see what it can be like for the children caught up in this kind of situation.

Mely

Bringmeshoes...yes i was trying to do the same for op. I wouldnt wish it on any child, what me and you have gone through growing up.

nearlyrich

natashasprite wrote: »

And then maybe people would actually work at their marriage and they would last for years and years rather than for just a short period of time ...that would make a better society....

Stop encouraging someone to break up a marriage at the drop of a hat and actually take up the vows that were promised ...even if the other person is letting their side down.......only if the other person does no longer love you do you let them go ( this does not include someone abusing you or cheating on you though... although even this can come down to forgiveness...people do and can change if they realise what they could lose if they do not)

This guy is abusing the OP and her children what are you waiting for to hear on the news that an abusive husband killed a child or his wife. He has had his chances he is using and abusing the OP and abusing her children, no-one would call my children that horrible word let alone someone who came into our lives when they were already in the picture, he knew what he was taking on and he has let the OP down. There is nothing left that is good for this lady, she works, spends all her money on the family, subsidies his drinking that contributes to the abuse, she needs him out of her life until he can learn to treat her and her children with the respect they deserve.