Pros and Cons of having a second child?

pulliptears

I have 2 and DS was 4 when DD was born.

What I wasnt prepared for was the shock of seeing DS after the birth. I had this tiny baby in my arms and in he walked and suddenly he seemed so so grown up and different. I actually sat and cried for almost an hour because I was so devastated to have lost my "little" boy. I think hormones played a big part in it, but nobody prepared me for that

Spendless

I love having 2 children. I love watching the sibling relationship between them, I have a boy 3 years older than his sister. They are playmates, they do squabble occassionally, but I do expect that of people who live in the same house together.;)

I have a sister and like having a sibling, even if she does drive me nutty at times.

I found two children is more than double the work of one. I was no longer able to work when I had 2, as relatives that had previously provided childcare became ill. I could have afforded childcare for 1 but not for 2. Extra expense became noticeable when it was a time you had to buy double for (eg Christmas, school uniforms).

skysky69

Pigeongirl wrote: »

:rotfl: Thanks for all the replies. I didn't realise it was such an emotive subject!

The thing is, as much as I love my son I have found motherhood SO much harder than I thought! I have had depression since he was born; it has only started to ease this year (when he started preschool lol) and the idea of feeling so low again fills me with dread. I'm not sure I want to go through pregnancy, the agony of birth and then possibly wreck my mental health by having another baby but other people seem to find it so easy. I wonder if I shouldn't be put off by the bad experience I've had so far and just go for it.

I sometimes think Im not a normal woman since most other people seem to be able to have children without a worry.

Pigeongirl, you sound exactly the same as me. I look back and wonder whether I was a little depressed whilst my little girl was a baby. She is now nearly 4 and I am thinking I would love to have what other people seem to cope so naturally with. But at the back of my mind, I am in a good place at the moment, hated pregnancy, was a nervous wreck for the next 3 years after she was born. The big part of me wonders whether it is worth rocking the boat for something that my DD wouldn't actually miss that much (which is the big argument really). One of the biggest reasons I think about doing it is so that DD isn't lonely, and when my and my OH are no longer here, she would have someone to talk to.

After all is said and done though - you can choose your friends but not your family. I speak to my brother a few times a year, we are not particularly close. We get on fine, but are not close at all. And then there is my OH, has a sister - hates her guts and claims he will not speak to her again Which throws my theory into complete disarray! Even if I do decide to have another, they might hate each other's guts.

I also considered adoption as I would imagine there are a lot of children out there that are between 0 - 3 that need a good home. To me that might cut out a large chunk of the bit that I haven't particularly enjoyed - but I worried that my in laws might not accept an adopted child and may show favouritism towards my DD.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Xaviera

I'm one of 5 but the age gap was so big I was effectively an only child in our house as siblings had moved out.

I definitley want 2 at least, I want a house of children running around, getting into our bed, I can't wait!! Is the reality much different to this utopia ROFL? I'm inclined to think it is

More and more people are choosing to have one child, it's not odd or unusual, but I do feel only children can be a bit spoilt and self absorbed. I'm not sure that the child's relationship with other children isn't better when you have more than one at home. Only children relate better to adults rather than their peers, but do we want them too relate to us or their school friends?

Don't feel forced into anything is my advice

SammyD_2

I have two, and would like more, but am concerned about my health if I do. For us, we always wanted more than one - yes it is a bit more work but not really any more expense apart from childcare and time off work for maternity leave.

The long term advantages to me are: more love and another person in your life; your children's kids are more likely to have cousins down the track, the children entertain each other and have someone else to rely on other than just parents, when we are older there is a better chance there will be a child around to make the hard decisions about what to do with us, potentially more grandchildren etc etc.

I remember my Mum and Dad separating when I was six. It felt like it was me and my brother on our own. I don't know what I would have done without him, although we are not particularly close, and never have been. But I wouldn't be without him for anything.

There is of course no right answer. Some people want more than one, but can't, other people get more children than they intended!

For me, the thought of more post natal depression and the effect on my family means my baby days are probably at an end.

kettlefish

I am one of three and, growing up, often wished I was an only child! However when my grandad passed away I know how hard it was on my mum (only child) having to pick up the pieces on her own, whilst grieving herself. My grandma was in a right state and it would have been really nice if mum had a brother or sister to turn to. I know this is a bit morbid but I guess what I'm trying to say is that the support a sibling offers grows with age and it's harder the older you get if you don't have a sibling to share things with. On the other hand, she could have had a brother or sister she couldn't stand and made it harder!

buxtonrabbitgreen

My dil had severe pnd with the first child. But she was absolutely fine with the second.
I have no opininon to give on whether you should have one or many. You should do what feels right to you and your oh.
I am one of five and happy with it. I alos have 5 kids of my own. Youngest now 15. I work full time and am not ashamed to appreciate the tax credits.
I didn't get them for the first 3 as they didn't exsist. So we managed as we would manage now if there wasn't any.

All my kids get on really well. All are clever and pleasant. In fact I remember when the eldest 2 started going to the pub the landlady said to me one day, what lovely polite boys they were.

So having a lot of children doesn't mean they will neccessarily suffer in any way. Thoug perhaps they didn't have as much in the way of amterial goods as thier friends.

There are large age gaps beteween 2nd and 3rd and 3rd and 4th. But I honestly don't think If you asked them they would want it any different.

It is up to you.

wifeforlife

Quote wrote: »

Are you aware how ridiculous you're sounding on this thread?

You've moved variously from wishing your own family weren't born, to jumping on the "gun and knife crime" bandwagon, to trying to turn it into some sort of half-arsed political discussion. Are you a personified version of The Daily Mail?

Never mind the last ten years, people having been having children forever.

Sorry that your life has turned out so bad that you feel the way you do about things, but coming from a family of five, with two sisters who have three daughters each, and with two daughters of my own (and another baby due in March), I can safely say 'the more the merrier'. My partner also has four brothers and a sister, none of us have a criminal record, and, thankfully, none of us would spout the nonsense that you have here.

Maybe the reason the previous poster didn't mention money is because, when it comes to having children, the other things they mention have to come first.

This poster never once mentioned anything that you have so eloquently put!

Just because you dont agree with him/her doesnt mean you can put words in his/her mouth (so to speak)

I am the eldest of 4, my siblings and I have always been very close, rarely fighting even as children. The third child died in infancy, the second child has chosen his wife from us his family and now doesnt speak to us

I am a mother of one child. My child is neither spoilt or the centre of attention, I work full time, my child earns even at a young age her posessions. She is very well mannered, polite and has a beautiful outgoing personality. I can understand Glen's reference to one child being more suitable and I agree with his/her points made, but I do not agree that their is a 'perfect' number of children

OP I hope you have the family you dream of and deserve whatever the number of children

Cate

fallen121

I am the second child of two. My sister is 9 years older than me and we have never been close. We live far apart and rarely see each other. My sister had more or less left home when I was growing up, we never went to school together and I have only vague memories of occasional holidays together. But I can't complain because it was biology. My Mother by all accounts had terrible trouble concieving and numerous miscarriages. So I suppose I am lucky to be here at all.

My husband and I have one child. And it has been a struggle as we neither of us have any family within 500 miles or close friends to help with advice or babysitting. In fact my husband worked most of the time I was at the maternity hospital (he later became self employed on less money because of the ridiculous hours he was working) so visiting time was hard for me with no-one to visit.

My daughter was 6 before my husband and I had a night alone (sleep over). We have never regretted having my daughter and never asked for any help from anyone. But two we could not cope with. And it's not a money thing. We both work (my husband is self employed, so money is a bit irregular and non existent if, for example my daughter is sick) and I work flexible hours and a lot from home. And I don't have to explain to anyone on here what it's like. It's a juggle. But we chose to be parents so we manage. And yes, we snipe at each other like anyone does sometimes. But usually because we are tired!

Apart from a childminder when she was very small to help out with collection from nursery and an out of school club two afternoons a week we manage with very little childcare. For one thing it's expensive, and for another thing we try to fit our work around our daughter, not the other way around. Our daughter does go to a holiday club in the summer for two weeks, but she chooses to do this, we don't enforce it, and it's usually activities she enjoys anyway like swimming or dancing or crafts.

We did try for another but it never happened. Again it could be biology, because my sister only has one child and so do two of my cousins. But my husband has said to me several times that he is glad in a way that we don't have more than one because it is so very hard to manage when you have no-one else to call on when things go wrong.

I'm sure it must be lovely to have lots of children but I do sometimes observe at my daughters school that those who have 2, 3 and 4 often also have a Grandparent or other relative who is able to step into the breach when required and whilst I'm sure that this isn't always the case, it does help. Certainly if I had had another child I would have been all alone in the hospital because there isn't anyone we know well enough that could have taken my daughter overnight for example and my sister isn't the sort of person who would jump on a plane to come and help, and in any case, my daughter has only seen her twice and hardly knows her.

The point I THINK I am trying to make is that every family is different and what works for one won't work for someone else. I know this doesn't help the OP, but she should consider age differences between children, whether she CAN have anymore children and also what help might be available to her if for example her partner wasn't always available.

Just ideas to throw around.

helen81_2

Im a mum to 2 children,with a 5year gap between them,and we have decided to go ahead and try for baby no3,so a 6year gap between my youngest child at the mo and a new baby. This has worked out just fine for us..they can play together,but DD is 11 next week,often goes off to play with friends,leaving me and DS together,so at times it's like he's my only child. If I'm lucky enough to be blessed with a 3rd child I don't think it'll be much more hard work than to what it is now to be honest. Don't get me wrong,I wouldn't expect DD to do my job where the baby's concerned but I'd like to think she would enjoy helping out occasionally. As for money- if I had just 1 child I would most likely over spend on that child to spoil it,so would end up spending same amount that I spend now,on 2 children.