Pros and Cons of having a second child?

Triggles

Pigeongirl - just a thought, but have you considered adoption? No pregnancy issues to deal with (which means less concerned about PND), and you still would be able to have a second child. Because it is an adoption, there are support groups as well, so you have a built in support system.

blackcoffee

Emmenelle wrote: »

Your right Glen000, I am a benefit claimaint. Until February I was probably earning more than you do now, but I was made redundant at 8 months pregnant and have lived off my 'pay off' until last month. I had a quote of £260 pw from my previous childminder to look after both children, so do you know what? I've decided to stay at home until they are of school age and claim < shock horror > tax credits.

I will then go back to work full time and carry on paying my taxes for the next 30 years. Is this alright with you?

surely when you decided to try for number 2, you knew that childcare for 2 was going to be more than chlldcare for 1 ?

If went back to work today, I would need to earn in excess of £16,500 to pay for chld care before & after school for 1 & 2 and some holiday care and full time nursery for number 3.

I am waiting for number 3 to turn 3, and will re-assess. I am in the meantime in college, which costs my dh creche fees for number 3, so when the time comes I will be employable !!

Emmenelle

blackcoffee wrote: »

surely when you decided to try for number 2, you knew that childcare for 2 was going to be more than chlldcare for 1 ?

Obviously....but having been forced to take redundancy from a very well paid job which allowed me to cover 34 hours a week over 4 days, I wasn't to likely to find something anywhere remotely similar, so wouldn't of factored in the extra days childcare fee for 2 children.

Becles

Glen0000 wrote: »

Actually you are not as you stated in another post you get tax credits. That is a benefit to me, especially when it is £50/£100/£150 a week sometimes.

All families on household incomes of up to about £60K get tax credits.

All claiments get the family element which is around £10 a week, regardless of how many children you have.

The number of children only comes into play for lower incomes who claim child tax credits and working tax credits, but I'm not really sure how that is worked out.

There are also childcare tax credits but I'm not sure how they work as I've never claimed them.

Do you get the £10 a week?

foreversomeday

Erm... back on topic lol!

Pigeongirl wrote: »

I sometimes think Im not a normal woman since most other people seem to be able to have children without a worry.

I know how you feel on this one, I have exactly the same thoughts but about another subject (Ie, sometimes, in fact a lot of the time, I feel I'm not a normal woman because everyone else seems to be able to ________ without a worry.) Would rather not say what it is, but just wanted to let you know it's very unlikely you're the only woman who feels this way, even about children, which the media would have us believe is all romance and maternal and lovely! :rotfl:

With another baby you might be fine, although there is a higher risk admittedly of the PND returning, you would at least be prepared and perhaps cope with it better through having a support system there before it sets in. Could you have a chat with your GP, or health visitor, or perhaps a counsellor if you saw one for your PND before? And might I add it's not selfish at all if you decide the risk is too much, some people avoid having more than one child because physical damage from their first pregnancy and birth would make it too dangerous, I don't see how this is any different.

Good luck with your decision, I'm sure you will make the right one whatever you choose.

Pigeongirl

foreversomeday wrote: »

Erm... back on topic lol!



I know how you feel on this one, I have exactly the same thoughts but about another subject (Ie, sometimes, in fact a lot of the time, I feel I'm not a normal woman because everyone else seems to be able to ________ without a worry.) Would rather not say what it is, but just wanted to let you know it's very unlikely you're the only woman who feels this way, even about children, which the media would have us believe is all romance and maternal and lovely! :rotfl:

With another baby you might be fine, although there is a higher risk admittedly of the PND returning, you would at least be prepared and perhaps cope with it better through having a support system there before it sets in. Could you have a chat with your GP, or health visitor, or perhaps a counsellor if you saw one for your PND before? And might I add it's not selfish at all if you decide the risk is too much, some people avoid having more than one child because physical damage from their first pregnancy and birth would make it too dangerous, I don't see how this is any different.

Good luck with your decision, I'm sure you will make the right one whatever you choose.

I think I know what you're saying...

never_enough

I think that you have to go with what feels right for you, for whatever reason that is. I don't have children myself & now realise it's unlikely to happen. At times this makes me very sad & at others I'm very grateful as I'm not sure that I could cope! :eek: I see my friends with anything from 1 to 5 children & they seem just amazing, but there are stresses on their relationships, finances & mental health at times. On the other hand for most of them the love & joy the children bring makes that worth it (even if they do want to knock heads together at times)
I was brought up as an only child until I was 10 when my step-sister was born. I had a magical childhood full of love, laughter & friends. I never remember being lonely. We didn't have much, but I would always share, as that was how I was brought up. I was over the moon when my sister was born (although a kitten was top of my wish-list! ) & despite the age gap we're very close. As I've said I would've liked a child myself, but I only ever wanted one. Do what *you* want to do, no one else has any right to argue with that.

JoolzS

I used to work with a guy who's wife had severe PND with their first child. When she had their second she had full post-partum psychosis and had to be hospitalised for a few weeks. When she was released from hospital she basically took to her bed for about two years. He was in the fortunate position of being able to afford a full-time nanny so was able to cope, but he had the snip very soon after the birth of the second child and told me once that he wished he'd had it done before she'd got pregnant with the second. He loved his daughters to bits, but hated what the pregnancies had done to his wife and the strains it had put on their marriage.

Julie

shimmershelly

I now exactly how you're feeling. I was diagnosed with PRE natal depression (I'd never heard of it before), whist pregnant with my second child. He was unplanned (the pill scare!), I had a really difficult and traumatizing birth with my first and she was a really demanding baby. I kept bursting into tears everytime I went to the doctor so they gave me counselling to "debrief" about my daughter's delivery etc. My mum's cancer also returned whilst I was pregnant so I really was a gibbering wreck!
My son was born by planned C section, due to the problems I had with my daughter's birth, and I loved him the second I saw him. He was an angel of a baby and still is an angel. He makes my heart swell with pride every day.
I did have PND but that was probably also to do with losing my mum just after he was born, but the professionals were already on hand to help and really looked after me.
Looking back on it now, I think I had undiagnosed PND with my first and was still suffering when I became pregnant with my second.
I am so glad I have two children, they were close enough in age as babies to play together so they never got bored. Actually it was probably easier when they were younger once my second came along, my first was so much hard work on her own.
They bicker like hell now but underneath it all they still love each other!

I think if you do decide to go for another one, make sure you have plenty of help from your doctor, health visitor etc (let them know in advance how you are feeling).
Good luck whatever you decide

bestpud

I have three children, which is what I wanted but we have a 9 year gap between numbers two and three so dd2 is like an only child in some ways.

I really don't like to say this as I love all my children and would not want to be without any one of them...

But, having experienced how it is with one young child (dd1 is 16 now and pretty self-sufficient in that she tends to do her own thing a lot of the time and ds has left home), I have to admit I think it is much, much better.

I have the time to concentrate on her and we only have hers and our needs to juggle when we go anywhere. Plus, if we go out, it is way cheaper and we get no arguing! I have more time to do her homework with her, and reading - she gets longer bedtime stories as it is just her and she gets the book she wants every night.

The downside (there always is one!) is she can be a bit self-absorbed at times and we've had to reign her in a few times when we've accidentally allowed her to feel she is the only one - iyswim? But that is our doing and can be avoided of course!

But it is fantastic and I am so glad we had the age gap so I can enjoy her more.

Like I said, I feel awful saying this as I have three children and would not be without them now. However, how would I have known the difference if I'd stopped at one, and also, would I have felt the same had I not experienced the reality of having two for a while and then three children?

I might add I had severe pnd after my first two children so it is difficult to assess the impact of that too.

Oh jeez, there's no right or wrong answer really. But overall, I lean towards stopping at one.

Take no notice of Glen though, as you are just as likely to have five well mannered children as one, IF you are good parents. That's an outcome that depends on the parents entirely - and not how many children they have!