Getting OH to propose - and think it's his idea!

crystal_fire

I have to agree this thread has surprised me too and i tend to agree with tori.k there's nothing wrong with waiting though my cousin waited 8 years before her OH propposed they have kids and she said she always loved the thought of getting married but they were happy as they were he asked 2 years ago and they got married the same year.

fraz_babe

My parents have been together 20 years nearly. My dad STILL refuses to get married.

Dinah93

I think marriage is still important to people, I don't agree with trying to trick someone into marriage, but in some cases it is something both parties want, but they never get around to. I'd imagine it can be very scary for a guy to ask! Especially in older couples it can be very important if there are significant assets as marriage remains an important aspect to inheritance tax and rights. Marriage unfortunately has become almost a taboo topic and any woman broaching it risks being labelled a bridezilla, but it is my belief that it is part of important financial planning, and is vital for some peoples emotional reassurance.

crapwithcash82

This is such an interesting thread!! I love the site, mainly for the debt free wannabe forum but stumbled upon this one night while browsing!!

I'm currently "living in sin" with my OH and our 18 month old baby. We've been together for around 3 years but known each other for going on 8 years. We have spoken about getting married because it is important to me - mainly because our daughter has his name and I want her and any future children to have the same name as me. In hindsight I should have given her my name until we were married but I didn't.

I also feel like people in my area don't see you as the same kind of couple as them (smug married's) if your not married but have kids, and that your some sort of reject because your not Mr & Mrs on paper. Not only that, I love my OH to pieces and would be honoured to be his wife!!

He had been engaged before unfortunately, and until we are engaged I think there will always be a tiny piece of me feels I am not good enough and inadequate because he proposed to her and so far not to me, and I've given him his first daughter!!

We'd both love more children but I've said no more until we are married, our first was unplanned and I wouldn't have considered children before marriage had it not just happened accidentally. I am hoping we get engaged this year, whether he proposes, I propose or we just decide together when the time is right, I don't mind, so long as we can get hitched and start practicing for baby number 2 in 2010!!

jamtart6

well i said I wouldnt move in together until we were married.... 3 and a half years later hes finally decided I'm more important than a batchelor pad and his xbox360 (Im totally exaggerating but Im sticking to my guns and not moving in until we are married)...we've just got engaged and bought a house to do up ...so lets see howlong it takes to actually get married!!

Mrs_Ryan

Well 12 midnight brought more 'discussions.'

I basically said 'Do you ever plan on marrying me or are you just going to string me along forever?' He started going on something about I'd said I would wait max 8 years and then I was off, I said sounds about right.

He said 'I know I'll still be with you in 8 years time but I dont know about getting married.'

At this stage I went off it and said that was unfair on me and he went offi n a sulk saying that it was putting pressure on him. I asked why he proposed to his ex (who he hated) and he had first of all said 'Cos she threatened to leave if I didnt' then last night he came out with 'because her parents put pressure on me.'

Now my mum is very unhappy with the whole set-up. She thinks he is using me as I have to do everything and refuses to commit so he can keep his hands on his money and house (see previous post) She reckons if he claims he loves me so much why wont he commit? Even OH's dad came out with he cant understand why OH wont marry me as he reckons OH could never find anyone else like me (bless him lol)
OH just keeps bleating 'oh whats their problem cant they see i look after you and provide for you?' This is laughable in the extreme as I work full-time as well and earn a dam good wage - I could pay towards the bills but OH wont let me! And as for the looking after me - he cooks for me and thats it, I have to do everything else as he claims he isnt capable!
I got to telling him about my mum who is severely disabled and in a lot of pain at the moment. She has been told her spine is crumbling and there is nothing more that they can do for her. She said to me when I went home that she just wants to die as she cant bear to live with the pain anymore. I explained that if the worst should happen, I, as the only unmarried child, would be expected to move back home to look after my dad who has emphysema and is deaf, and he relies on my mum to look after him. I said I thought that my brother and sister could arrange something between themselves, but as they are both married and my sister has kids and my brother has kids from his first marriage, they wouldnt be expected to.

I also said I would like to be married before my mum becomes too ill to go to the wedding, to which he replied 'Oh well then, looks like you'll be going to look after your dad then.' and he started on about the importance of passing my driving test quickly and learning to cook so when the worst did happen I would be prepared!

Im incredibly upset about this now, I cant talk to my mum about it for obvious reasons, but now Im starting to think how soon I can get out....

crapwithcash82

Hi Mrs_Ryan, what a situation you are in!! I totally get where you are coming from with wanting your mum to be there when you get married, I lost my Grandfather in November and now really regret that he won't see me get married. I know thats not the same as your mum, but I kinda understand!

I think you'd be better off without this guy, he doesn't sound like he has any empathy what so ever. You sound like such a nice caring person, and although I'm sure your mother would love to see you married, she'd love even more to know that you are with someone who will give you the love and respect that you deserve.

Life is too short to waste on people who are to self absorbed to know a good thing when they have it.

Best wishes for the new year, and I hope you can find happiness for yourself!!

Serendipity_phoenix

Please sweetheart, really truly sit down and think if you even want this relationship, or is it the idea of someone loving you and being there that is holding you in.
Is it the dream of a future that is keeping you in this, or the man?

From outside looking in, is sounds as you would be better off without him, but I dont have your feelings, so easy for me to say.

Just an idea, but is there any way you would consider moving out, cooling things and supporting you and your children for a while?
It may just give you both the time and space to think what and who is important and if you can live without each other. (my feelings on this is that either you or he, will find you are much happier with space)

I couldn't believe it reading your post, my mums spine is also crumbling, so i know the kind of pain you are talking about, I also know the panic and trapped feeling you much be having when you are told you will be a care giver.

I think whatever the outcome this man just isnt the right one for you, even if it does just come down to the cruel things he says that he knows you dont want to hear.

I think he is giving you the answers you are looking for, but you just dont want to hear them, due to the hurt and upheaval it will cause to act on them.

briggers_3

Hi all...this was a great thread....gone quiet now. Just wondering if Jo_R or crapwithcash or any of the others had any news or updates? I didn't. And although a dozen other niggling things contributed to it, I asked my OH to move out, (he's just left) and if I'm really honest, the lack of proposal was a major underlying factor in how unhappy I was becoming.
I don't want to trick anybody into anything. It's just hard for some women to be not in control for this important thing in their lives....not just out of control, it's not about control. But it's hard, especially when other girls you know seem to get proposed to after a few months. It makes you think that other relationships are seemingly more perfect and right and romantic.
And to coin the forthcoming film title, that he's just not that into you!!
Anyway, i don't know what'll happen next. It wasn't an ultimatum.He didn't want to leave/it to end/ to "lose" me..........I was just desperately unhappy.
I didn't want to move in before making a commitment. But in the end I did and I regret it so much. Yes, we got to know each other. Yes, we had some good times living together. But in the end I could just hear my mother's voice in my head smugly saying in her day blah blah blah.
Maybe she's right!

Skint_Catt

briggers, so sorry to hear your news, but I understand wholeheartedly where you're coming from. My brother proposed to his wife on their first date and 25 years on their still perfectly content and happy. Other friends have been proposed to withint 3/6/12 months, so it makes me wonder whats so wrong with me. I think my OH too has just become settled in 'living together' though I have said he'll have to ask me before we buy anywhere. He also knows he's got until the end of June otherwise the same will happen to him as your OH so he can't say he wasn't warned! :grouphug: