Getting OH to propose - and think it's his idea!

Mrs_Ryan

kr15snw wrote: »

Im in a similar situation...

Been with OH for over 3 years and living together for a year. We dont share any of the household bills as hes very traditional and doesnt want to until were either married / buy a house together (its his house) as he got completely done over by an ex so is being careful (basically if we split up he doesnt want me to run off with all his stuff that he bought, seeing as i moved from parents into his place ive not brought anything other than personal items with me.) Which I think is fair enough.

Im DESPERATE to get married, Im just at the time of my life were Im with the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with and think its just right. We even spoke over the summer and I told him by christmas would be the right time for me, and if not by then I would be seriously wondering whats wrong with us? He agreed with this. But NOTHING!!!

He also says that every time I mention anything to do with weddings / engagments then it gets put back a month. By his calculations we have about 50 years to go. Lol. I pray hes joking........

When I first got with him I told him I wouldnt want it in front of a group of people, or christmas / birthday as I would want the day we got engaged to be a seperate special day. Now I dont care!!! Just DO IT!!

So yeah, hints definately dont work with my OH so I get to play the waiting game.... Yay

my god - youre in exactly the same situation as me!!!

In my case though, my OH just refuses to propose. He says he doesnt see the need in getting married - my mum thinks he's taking me for a ride. He said last night that he doesnt want me having my name on the deeds of the house which is why he wont marry me (charming, huh?!) despite the fact I have told him I would be prepared to sign a pre-nup stating that I dont want my name on the deeds but he's not having it.
He knows I cant afford my own place and he's well aware of the fact that he can just kick me out whenever he feels like it (he's tried it before) which is another reason why he wont marry me. He wont listen when I try to talk to him - everyone says Im being taken for a mug but I'd feel really bad if I left - he has mental health problems and my conscience couldnt cope with it if he did something stupid. So I guess Im stuck living with him forever.....

skintchick

Mrs_Ryan wrote: »

my god - youre in exactly the same situation as me!!!

In my case though, my OH just refuses to propose. He says he doesnt see the need in getting married - my mum thinks he's taking me for a ride. He said last night that he doesnt want me having my name on the deeds of the house which is why he wont marry me (charming, huh?!) despite the fact I have told him I would be prepared to sign a pre-nup stating that I dont want my name on the deeds but he's not having it.
He knows I cant afford my own place and he's well aware of the fact that he can just kick me out whenever he feels like it (he's tried it before) which is another reason why he wont marry me. He wont listen when I try to talk to him - everyone says Im being taken for a mug but I'd feel really bad if I left - he has mental health problems and my conscience couldnt cope with it if he did something stupid. So I guess Im stuck living with him forever.....

If he wouldn;t want your name on the deeds even if you were married, I'd be walking away very quickly. What kind of person won;t share their life and all they have with their husband/wife? If my husband had tried that I'd have shown him the door.

Why let him treat you so badly?

Mrs_Ryan

i dont know.... I think its because Im very much alone down here and all my family is at the other end of the country. If we split up I would be made to feel like I had failed again and cant cope with that.

He claims that he loves me but when I ask him why he's so cagey with everything he blames his ex and his parents - his ex was always trying to get the house off him. He has admitted that he realises I dont give two hoots about his house or how much money he has in the bank, but still wont let me share in his house etc. He was most concerned about me getting my hands on any of his work pension until I pointed out to him that my work pension scheme (I work for the NHS) is better than his and I've ensured he wont get a penny of it if I should die before he decides he wants to marry me. (God forbid - Im only 28 but you never know, do you) - I've instructed any payment to go to my parents or my next surviving next of kin (brother, sister or nephew) Two can play that game.
Yet he is happy enough to accept the Playstation 3 I have slaved away to buy. I told him I wanted a ring for Christmas to replace the Claddagh ring he has insisted I wear for 2 years 'in case any other blokes chat me up - !' a ring which incidentally I had to buy - which is bent out of shape and cutting the circulation off in my finger but he moans if I take off - and he told me I wasnt to get a ring that looked like an engagement ring in case anyone thinks we're engaged!!!! Im ending up with a cheap Celtic band ring.
In short - why do I stay? I have no idea.

RedCanadaHat

vixarooni wrote: »

My boyfriend and i have been going out for 3 years now, living together for a year.

No ring on my finger yet!!

But good luck, i think you just gotta drop big hints, if all else fails theres another feb 29th or whatever the date is in about 2 or 3 years isnt there? hehe

same here!

the boy asked me last week: what is your ring size

and 'we should get an advent calendar this year....

it's so unlike him but pretty predictable...i have a feeling he'll buy a ring and put it in the advent calendar on xmas eve or something. i hope i'm wrong. i want a proposal to be a surprise.

skintchick

Mrs_Ryan wrote: »

i dont know.... I think its because Im very much alone down here and all my family is at the other end of the country. If we split up I would be made to feel like I had failed again and cant cope with that.

He claims that he loves me but when I ask him why he's so cagey with everything he blames his ex and his parents - his ex was always trying to get the house off him. He has admitted that he realises I dont give two hoots about his house or how much money he has in the bank, but still wont let me share in his house etc. He was most concerned about me getting my hands on any of his work pension until I pointed out to him that my work pension scheme (I work for the NHS) is better than his and I've ensured he wont get a penny of it if I should die before he decides he wants to marry me. (God forbid - Im only 28 but you never know, do you) - I've instructed any payment to go to my parents or my next surviving next of kin (brother, sister or nephew) Two can play that game.
Yet he is happy enough to accept the Playstation 3 I have slaved away to buy. I told him I wanted a ring for Christmas to replace the Claddagh ring he has insisted I wear for 2 years 'in case any other blokes chat me up - !' a ring which incidentally I had to buy - which is bent out of shape and cutting the circulation off in my finger but he moans if I take off - and he told me I wasnt to get a ring that looked like an engagement ring in case anyone thinks we're engaged!!!! Im ending up with a cheap Celtic band ring.
In short - why do I stay? I have no idea.

Dont; wear the ring! Tell him if he won't get you a proper one you won;t wear one at all. He wants it all doesn't he?

You wouldn't be a failure if you ended it - why would you think that? Better to end something that's wrong than stay in it. :A

Dinah93

I agree with Skintchick, his behaviour makes me feel physically ill. This is emotional abuse and he is using you, you are not a possession for him to play with or discard as he sees fit. Even if he has mental health problems you only get one shot at life don't waste it being miserable. I was in a similar relationship with my ex (only when he actually mentioned marriage the thought of being with him for the rest of my life turned me cold and scared me to death) and you need the right ring from the right person.

My OH started to propose a few months ago, very spontaneous, no ring, just suddenly came into his head and I stopped him as I thought he was joking/would regret it if I said yes. He was heartbroken and I feel like I've lost everything I actually really wanted. Worse, I did this to him, so I feel like anything that goes wrong now, every wobble, it's my fault and I hate that I made him feel like this. Sometimes its best not to overthink things, when it happens it happens. Unless you're me - I'm cursed!

Solusnomead

Mrs_Ryan wrote: »

i dont know.... I think its because Im very much alone down here and all my family is at the other end of the country. If we split up I would be made to feel like I had failed again and cant cope with that.

He claims that he loves me but when I ask him why he's so cagey with everything he blames his ex and his parents - his ex was always trying to get the house off him. He has admitted that he realises I dont give two hoots about his house or how much money he has in the bank, but still wont let me share in his house etc. He was most concerned about me getting my hands on any of his work pension until I pointed out to him that my work pension scheme (I work for the NHS) is better than his and I've ensured he wont get a penny of it if I should die before he decides he wants to marry me. (God forbid - Im only 28 but you never know, do you) - I've instructed any payment to go to my parents or my next surviving next of kin (brother, sister or nephew) Two can play that game.
Yet he is happy enough to accept the Playstation 3 I have slaved away to buy. I told him I wanted a ring for Christmas to replace the Claddagh ring he has insisted I wear for 2 years 'in case any other blokes chat me up - !' a ring which incidentally I had to buy - which is bent out of shape and cutting the circulation off in my finger but he moans if I take off - and he told me I wasnt to get a ring that looked like an engagement ring in case anyone thinks we're engaged!!!! Im ending up with a cheap Celtic band ring.
In short - why do I stay? I have no idea.

Hi Mrs Ryan.

With all due respect, get out and get out now. Run faster and farther than you have ever run in your life. He's going to make you miserable. Very close friend of mine was in a situation that was not dissimilar and she was constantly depressed and borderline suicidal. This kind of treatment will slowly break you down and no one should ever have to go through that.

Ok rant over now.

RedCanadaHat

^ I agree with this comment.


Heres a nice story of how my dad proposed to my mum (back in 1976!)
Dad had this handwritten diary he left open one night near where Mum was sitting and mum was randomly looking through it and noticed a bookmark. She opened to that page and down the line on one of the days it said 'Getting Married'. Mum was a bit confused and said to my Dad 'What is this all about then?' and Dad said back to her 'Oh, that's when we're getting married..I hope that's okay with you'.

Aww i thought that was really sweet :-) He was too afraid to ask her lol

Spendless

Mrs ryan- I agree with your mum (and all the other posters)!

Jo- did you ask your oh?

schmink

I know its easier said than done but its well worth waiting for him to propose and you never know what is going on in your OH's mind. I've been with my OH for 3 yrs, living together for 2. We are childhood sweet hearts who have been friends for ages and then decided to get together so there wasnt going to be any surprises but when i said i wanted us to get married he didnt seem so keen. After the usual, quite blatant attempts to get him to change his mind I just gave up. I then got a proposal 3 weeks ago as the time was just right for him. He had been looking for a ring since July and had bought a ring sizer to check my size, and i knew nothing about it ( i honestly thought he wasnt keen on the idea!) You dont know if your OH has been looking at similar things. If you leave him to his own devices he will find the perfect time and do it. Men are stubborn and dont like to think they are being made to do anything that isnt within their control!!!